What I Really Meant to Say, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

What I Really Meant to Say, by DrGemini86 (DrGemini24)

Summary: Set in season 10, Daniel goes to see Sam, and she finally tells him what she really meant to say. Lyrics featured are What I Really Meant to Say by Cyndi Thompson.

Pairing: SamDaniel

Rating: T

Genres: Angst, Romance-focussed, SongFic, Thoughts

Category: New Romance

Spoilers: up to and including season 10

A/N: I first heard this song on the soundtrack of Callea's SamDaniel video set around the events of Fallen. If you haven't seen it, go ye to Callea's FF and ye shall find a link to her amazing site. Because of that video, when I listen to the song, I always think of SG-1 finding Daniel on Vis Uban and the scenes between Sam and Daniel.

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"It took me by surprise
When I saw you standin' there
Close enough to touch
Breathin' the same air…"

You glance up from your work in your lab, and nearly leap out of your skin on seeing Daniel leaning against the worktop next to you. It isn't the closeness, or your sudden realisation that you have no idea how long he's been standing there that surprises you, but his presence, full stop. You have watched you and him grow apart over the past couple of years, and you have no idea why, and you have no-one to ask about the seemingly sudden change in his behaviour towards you especially. It hurts you to think about how you've appeared to lose your one-time best friend to babysitting SG-1's newest recruit, and his growing stack of work and responsibilities.

What is he doing here?

"You asked me how I'd been
I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine
Oh, but baby I was lyin'…"

He smiles a smile that you've forgotten he owned, so seldom used since the disbanding and regrouping of the team… the smile that had never failed to set your heart on fire at the same time as softening it to a pulpy mash. He cocks his head to one side and asks, smiling as though he knows you're surprised, as though he finds it funny that you've got so into your work and lost track of time and space... again,

"How are you doing?"

Oh, if only he knew… the endless pain, the sleepless nights… the surprising knowledge your plants have of your inner turmoil and lack of a decent love life… but what does it matter? So, as you did the last time he asked you that same question – however many weeks or months ago it must have been – you answer the same way with a little smile – maybe if you say it enough, you'll begin to believe it, and then the pain will go… if only.

"Just fine."

He knows you better than that of course. He looks at you with those beautiful blue orbs that have seen so much of the world, the galaxy and beyond, pain and darkness as well as happiness and light… and asks,

"Are you sure?"

You nod abruptly. If he gets you to talk now, you won't be able to stop and he'll know… and then what will happen? You'll make things even more awkward… if that's even possible. You need to have body language that screams at him to go away, to leave you be, to let you wallow in self pity and regret.

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm dyin' here inside
And I miss you more each day
There's not a night I haven't cried
And baby, here's the truth
I'm still in love with you
(And, that's what I really meant to say)…"

He eventually goes, looking at you with high scepticism nonetheless but realising that you need space. Stress can be a good excuse sometimes. And then you wonder why you just didn't come out and tell him… tell him that you're not fine, that you're as far from fine as fine's polar opposite could be, possibly even more. You miss having him around to talk with whenever you want. You miss the late night coffees; the talks about life, the universe and everything; his worries when he was looking for Sha're… his nightmares before and after losing her.

You missed those little things during his year away, and you miss them now. He's in the same mountain, under the same tonnes of concrete, the same layers of secrecy… and it's as though he's dead. And it is. That time, he was helping (or whatever he was doing) the Ancients. This time, he's keeping his eye on Vala, and dedicating himself to preventing the Ori from ever getting a foothold in this galaxy like the Goa'uld had for so many millennia before this.

You realise just how much you've taken him for granted, and how you feel good about wanting to keep him all to yourself despite feeling selfish at the same time. But things would be a lot worse if you actually told him how you felt… it would probably drive him away to Atlantis.

"And as you walked away
The echo of my words
Cut just like a knife
Cut so deep it hurt
I held back the tears
Held on to my pride and watched you go
I wonder if you'll ever know…"

You didn't look down at your work when he walked away, did you? No, you watched him leave, hearing your paltry attempts at casualness and nonchalance in your head. You need him so much that it hurts, that you cry yourself to sleep most nights, but you push him away. Why? You can't tell him how you feel, how you've always felt, because even if on the one in a million chance he actually reciprocated, you'll lose him. It will end in pain and sorrow.

Love is for saps, especially when you happen to be in love with the one man that it would kill you to lose again.

If only he knew you're doing him a favour by not telling him.

You fell in love with him a long time ago, a very long time ago. In fact, before you even met him. You hadn't been allowed to work with him because General West was only humouring Catherine Langford at first by having him there. And then, West didn't want you… you owning a pair of breasts and a set of internal reproductive organs. You weren't even allowed to watch the first team embark.

Despite all this, you fell in love with that beautiful mind that had worked out in just two weeks what you and Catherine's teams had spent two years working on. And then, you discovered that the beautiful mind was encompassed by a beautiful soul, wrapped in turn by a beautiful man, who didn't know how he affected people in every way, every single day.

He's not perfect, but his humanity, his ability to recognise his own frail humanity and imperfections, is one of the things that endears him to you. In your opinion, he's quite possibly the most human out of everyone you've ever known, the most beautiful and caring too… and selfless, courageous… the list could go on forever and it still wouldn't describe him adequately.

"What I really meant to say
Is I'm really not that strong
No matter how I try
I'm still holdin' on
And here's the honest truth
I'm still in love with you
And, that's what I really meant to say…"

So… what you meant to say instead of 'just fine', was… how can you even begin to phrase it? I love you? I need you? I can't imagine life without you? All of those sound so desperate and don't capture how you feel about him, how you want him to know how you feel about him. Because you do. Despite quite possibly saving his life by not telling him yet, you want to tell him, in case you go through the 'gate the next time, and never come back. What then? He'd never know just how much he's affected you, how he's changed you, how he's made you into a better person with his gentle influence over the years. You know he couldn't have heard you when you last had that epiphany, when he was slowly but painfully dying from radiation poisoning.

You look up and he's leaning in your doorway, watching you like he used to a long time ago… How long had he been standing there? For the first time in almost two years, you look him straight in the eyes, not feeling tired or jaded. You know what you have to do… and does it matter that he doesn't feel the same way? Perhaps it does… but at least it's out of the open. At least he'll know, and it won't be there as a silent unknown in between you… Although it'd be a loud 'known' in between you instead.

Which would you rather?

He moves closer to you. He knows you better than you know yourself. He knows something's troubling you. It's as though he's back… he's back. Dare you reach out to touch him, or will he disappear, or slip between your fingers like your reflection in pool of water? He stands there watching you, not with curiosity but with a deeper understanding than you even you think is possible.

You swallow. Will he storm out in disgust?

"Daniel… I…"

You touch his cheek as he wilfully submits to the exploratory caress, but you don't tell him everything.

"I miss you."

You lean your head on his chest and his arms come around you. Up until that moment, the memories of the many hugs you had shared had faded. You had forgotten how great his hugs make you feel… like a fulfilling bout of sex without all of the commitment. He's such a nice person to hug. You let his once familiar warmth and scent surround you, and he rests his chin on your head in a way that annoyed you when your previous boyfriends did it… but with him, it's different. It always has been.

He replies as his hand slowly rubs the top of your back, sending shivers up and down your spine until you feel dizzy with conflicting emotions, "I've missed you too. What happened to us? I've noticed I'm less happy without you to talk to."

You noticed. Of course you noticed how much more he frowns… but you never thought in a million years that it's been because of you, not like that. You had always put it down to the situation in the local Universe… not you; not someone as tiny and insignificant as you.

"The Ori happened."

You and he sigh. He looks down at you, still holding onto you – you forget how; all you know is that it feels really good, a lot more than it should – his beautiful eyes searching yours for some reason. He says,

"You're not fine, are you? I'm worried about you – I've noticed how unhappy you've been, but I figured you needed some space."

You rest your head on his shoulder. "I just needed my best friend."

Well… almost there. What was that proverb about 'half-done'?

"Me too."

He kisses your hair and you silently promise that you'll never wash it again… until you realise just how greasy it would get, and how you'd have to wear a hat for the rest of your natural life.

You sigh and then look up at him as he continues to look at you, constantly analysing every little clue, every small change in your facial expressions. You stretch up and kiss him gently on the lips – something which could be interpreted either way; romantic or platonic. You rest your head on his shoulder again, awaiting his response.

He looks shocked… that muted kind of shock he gets when he's been caught off world. Well, at least he isn't walking out. You look up at him from your position, about to apologise in case he took offence, but the words don't come out because the lips you've just kissed are kissing you back.

Well… you discover that kissing is just one more talent that he has on that long list of his… and your mind begins to wander as you wonder how many more talents he must have, especially considering the size and feel of his hands on your shoulder and the small of your back.

You still haven't told him though… but if he interprets this as platonic, you're going to zat him for being deliberately oblivious. When the kiss is finally over, he cups your jaw in his hand and he looks straight into your eyes, looking so much happier than you have ever seen him as he says,

"I do too."

Oh… words are so overrated these days. You never had to tell him, because he already knew. All thoughts of how glorious it feels to be in sync with him again are wiped from your mind like a particularly pleasant form of amnesia as he kisses you again... and you forget your own name, where you work... everything but the feel of his lips against yours, the feel of his body against and around yours.

"That's what I really meant to say
That's what I really meant to say…"

You just cling onto the hope that things are going to be different with this man, that you're not going to lose him. The kiss seems to be a promise from him to you, and you relax, allowing yourself to be truly lost in the moment as you promise in return that he won't lose you... and that if he does manage to get lost, you'd give up everything just to find him.

Because you would.

– Fin

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Thanks for reading… Reviews are always very, very, very welcome: ) C'mon, I'm going to have start paying AvengingAngel101 royalties if I put any more review adverts in. lol.