READ THIS FIRST!
Hello!Here is my first attempt on a crack-fic so please don't kill it.
Things that is good to know(WARNINGS AND SPOILERS):
-This is set in Shippuden. But if you have only watched the anime you might not know who some of the people are.
- Orochimaru is still alive but Sasuke is with Hebi.
-Everyone in the Akatsuki is still alive and so is Asuma.
-I'm dissing everyine in the story. So don't flame me if there is something you don't like. If you do I will think of you as something less than a human and spam your e-mail.
- I chose to use 'believe it' instead of 'dattebayou' because believe it sounds so retarded in my mind. And this is a crack-fic...Believe it!
-This story is rated M for yaoi, bad language, Hidan, annoying things, crazyness, possible brain damage, possible death to fangirls, possible nosebleed and possible death to authoress who is currently running away.
Well...I hope you'll enjoy it!
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Chapter 1 - The Jutsu
It was a normal day in the Akatsuki hideout. (Well as normal as it can get in a hideout full of S-ranked and mentally disturbed criminals.)
Leader Pein was plotting his evil plans to take over the world. Konan was being antisocial. Kakuzu was counting "his" money for the fifth time that day. Hidan was sacrificing some random unholy people. Kisame was taking a swim in their new indoor pool. Itachi was painting his nails. Zetsu was eating some random people. Sasori was working on his puppets (does he ever do anything besides that?! Oo ) Deidara was being cute and uke-ish bothering Sasori with his adorableness and giving the puppet a hard time. (haha you got that? w)
And Tobi? He was being a good boy, as usual. Or was he?
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Somewhere in the forest surrounding the Akatsuki hideout, Tobi was sitting on a log talking to himself. (He has been spending too much time with Zetsu).
"Why does Tobi feel like this?" he asked. No one answered. He sighed. A bird landed in front of him and looked at him with big black eyes. Tobi's eye lit up under the mask.
"Why, hello there little birdie!" he giggled. He pulled out some food he had snuck away during breakfast and held out his hand to the bird. He giggled more as the bird hopped into his hand and started eating.
"Awww you're so cute Birdie-chan!" Tobi laughed happily. "You kinda remind Tobi of Deidara-sempai!" Tobi giggled at the mental images. (Somewhere in the distance Deidara sneezed).The bird chirped happily.
"Tobi really whished he could be more useful to the Akatsuki." He suddenly said. He sighed. It wasn't often Tobi felt like this, but he was an Uchiha. Emoness came natural to him.
He sighed again, looking sadly at the sky and the clouds. The bird chirped again before it flew back to the forest.
"Oh!...Byebye Birdie-chan! Tobi is a…good boy…" Tobi called after it, a bit sad that he was alone again.
"Why must Tobi be so useless?" he sadly said to himself. Tobi was slowly getting depressed, his normal happy and hyper attitude fading.
Then suddenly Tobi got an idea!
"Tobi will be useful! He will show everyone how awesome he is and Deidara-sempai will finally love him!" Tobi shouted out, scaring all the birds. Tobi started laughing madly while he jumped around.
"TOBI WILL MAKE A NEW JUTSU! 'CUZ TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!!" he shouted on the top of his lungs.
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After laughing for an hour he snuck away to think out his new jutsu, how to make Deidara his and be a good boy.
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In Konoha everything was good and well. Tsunade was lying passed out in her office because of too much sake, while Shizune was banging her head against the wall in frustration.
Ero-sennin aka Jiraiya was collecting 'data' for his new book. Kakashi was reading said ero-sennin's previous book.
Iruka were desperately trying to control his nerves, where he was sitting in an empty classroom (all the students ran away from his boringness), while Ebisu were chasing his students, Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon.
Yamato was walking around wondering why the hell Kishimoto-sama even put him in the story since he is really really boring and don't do very much.
Teneten was just standing there being ignored. Neji was acting calm and normal but in reality he was spying on people with his Byakugan.
Hinata lay fainted somewhere. The cause remains unknown. Shino was…somewhere.
Kiba and Akamaru were jumping around like rabbits on crack (runs from angry friend who is all fangirly for Kiba). Kurenai and Asuma were all lovey-dovey with eachother. Chouji was eating. Ino was bitching. Shikamaru was bored. Lee and Gai were having a make-out...uh I mean hugging session while getting a lot of weird and disgusted stares. Sai was commenting on peoples' penises. Sakura was being stupid and useless (as usual) and Naruto was eating ramen, fooling around, saving kittens and screaming "BELIEVE IT!" on the top of his lungs at the same time!
Yeah…everything was normal in Konoha.
"Believe it!"
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In Suna everything was…silent…very silent. Why? Because no one was home.
Gaara, Temari and Kankuro were in Konoha, but no one saw them!!! This made them of course very angry and some random people were hurt because of it. They are currently residing in the nearest ramen-stand having their lunch break.
"Believe it!"
"Naruto shut the hell up!"
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In Orochimaru's lair…it was also very quiet. The reason for this being that Orochimaru was sulking in a corner over loosing his precious saucegay-kuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn!
And Kabuto was reading some dirty OroxKabu fanfictions.
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Team Hebi was currently taking rest in some random village so close to Konoha that you could hear Naruto's believe its. Which is pretty close.
Yuugo was talking to a chicken. Suigetsu was bitching random passer-by's. Karin was plotting her soon-to-be-reality-rape on Sasuke.
And Sasuke?
He was cutting his toenails, picking up the little pieces an dchewing on them. (Ewwwwwww)
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So… Everything was perfectly normal.
But… (Dramatic music)
"Tobi did it!!! He made a new jutsu!" Tobi shouted in glee! "Now Tobi must show it to Deidara-sempai, and Deidara-sempai will be so proud of Tobi and he will fall in love with Tobi and ditch that stupid puppet and he will be like "Deidara I love you!" and he will be like "Whatever! I love Tobi-chan!" and Tobi will be like "I love you too Deidara-sempai!" and he will be like "Tobi will you marry me?" and Tobi and Deidara-sempai will get married and Tobi and Deidara-sempai will have lots of little cute kids and and and…!"
Tobi's rant was cut short because he fainted of lack of oxygen and massive nosebleed due to mental images of naked Deidaras!
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"Danna?" Deidara asked in a cute voice. Sasori nearly jumped him then and there.
"Yeah?" he responded after calming his urges.
"Don't you think it's a bit quiet?" he asked nervously. Sasori looked at him puzzled. "No, why?" he asked. Deidara looked at him with a big blue eye. "Well…it's too quiet here. There is always some kind of noise. Something is wrong. Where is Tobi?" Deidara asked looking around. Sasori didn't answer. Frankly, he didn't give a damn where the little 'good boy' where as long as it was as far away from his Deidara-chan!
"Danna, un? Where do y-ah!" Deidara was cut short as he was tackled to the bed he was sitting on by a very horny puppet-boy.
Moans and screams of pleasure were heard from the room hours to come.
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It wasn't until the evening that Tobi finally got all of the Akatsuki outside so he could show them his new jutsu.
"Listen up everyone! Tobi is going to show you all Tobi's new jutsu! 'Cuz Tobi is a good boy!"
"What kind of jutsu is it?" Leader asked. Konan looked bored around before going back to making a paper crane. Kisame was just grinning like a…like a…like a fish! And Itachi had fallen asleep (yeah…painting your nails sure takes its toll). Zetsu was chewing on something that is best left undescribed. Hidan was yelling at Kakuzu for not listening to him, while Kakuzu was ignoring Hidan and counting 'his' money for the seventeenth time that day.
Sasori was groping Deidara's butt when no one was looking and Deidara was blushing like the uke he is, looking to fucking cute with his rosy cheeks and messy hair (he didn't have time to fix it after Sasori was done with him).
Tobi glared daggers at Sasori from under his mask, but then smirked. 'Deidara-sempai will soon be Tobi's'!'
"Tobi isn't sure. Tobi didn't have time to test it." Tobi said to Leader. Leader mumbled something like 'how can you make a jutsu without knowing what it's for?!' but no one really knows.
"Well…then show us!" Leader demanded.
Tobi nodded before he turned around and walked a little distance away from the group watching. He closed his eyes and concentrated his chakra and formed some hand seals.
"THE-ULTIMATE-TECHNIQUE-NO-JUTSU!" he screamed and a bright flash blinded everyone.
The light died down and everybody got their sight back. Everyone looked confused around. Nothing had changed.
"What a total fucking waste of good sacrificing time this is! I'm fucking going back! See ya later fuckheads!" he said before leaving. Kakuzu grumbled about how he didn't get enough paid to do this before he also left. Kisame picked up a still sleeping Itachi and went back to the hideout, closely followed by Zetsu. Deidara and Sasori left too. Sasori was carrying Deidara bridal style. Tobi felt extremely jealous at this. The last ones to leave were Konan and Leader. Leader patted Tobi on the shoulder and said: "Well you tried at least" before he left too.
Tobi was left standing outside thinking over what the heck had just happened. His jutsu had failed. His plan to win Deidara had failed. He couldn't believe it.
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"Believe it!" slap
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All of the Akatsuki had gone to bed by the time Tobi finally got inside the hideout again. He sat down on his bed and sighed deeply. "An useless jutsu…" he said and fell asleep.
Oh how wrong he was.
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Hahahahahahahah!!!!Cliffhanger!Please review and you will get more!
"Believe it!"
chases naruto away
See ya!Owo