Hard To See, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Hard to See

A fanfic by Tsu_chanB

Disclaimer: I own neither Yu Yu Hakusho nor Rob Thomas' "Her Diamonds".

A/N: So, here's a little tidbit while I procrastinate on everything writing related. My site's been down, so there's no motivation for me to get anything done. But work was dead today so I got this going and decided to actually finish it. Now, I don't actually listen to Rob Thomas, but this song plays at work all the time and once I deciphered the lyrics (cause I'm bad at understanding people XD) I immediately thought of Yukina. Anywho, to the fic. Happy reading!

He wouldn't call it fortuitous. But he wouldn't dare to label it as an inconvenience. The meeting was what it was, and he would respond to the situation as it came. Hiei leaned against the wall beside the only small, circular window in the room. The usual vibrations of the ever-moving patrol vessel thrummed against his back. Hiei didn't notice and instead turned his attention to Yukina. She sat on the other side of the low table beside him, a cup of hot tea in her gentle grasp.

She graced him with one of those warm smiles he remembered so fondly, though it seemed the innocence of it was lost in the lines forming around her lips. She looked older, more mature, and Hiei was knocked into the realization that time had indeed passed. For a moment he fancied it disappointing that he hadn't witnessed any of those years.

"It's good to see you again, Hiei," she said, drawing his eyes back to hers. "I wasn't expecting to meet a friend out here."

"We're always on the move. You could blame it on chance," he responded.

She smiled again. "Or fate."

Hiei watched her in silence before turning his attention back to the wall with a small grunt. The hum of the engines took precedence in the room.

"I've been looking for my brother again," Yukina announced. "I haven't had any success and I'm not exactly sure what to do. I know you would have told me if you found anything, but I wondered if you might have any suggestions for what I should do next."

". . . No." He watched her face again to gauge her reaction.

Oh what the hell she says
I just can't win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there's so many times
I don't know what I'm doin'
Like I don't know now

Yukina nodded slowly. The light faded from her eyes, twisting her smile into bitterness. Hiei instantly hated the expression. It didn't suit her in his eyes.

He wished she would stop worrying about it. The chase was one she would never win and he hated to see her upset over it, over him. But Hiei knew she had her own brand of stubbornness. He was certain she would stop searching only when it was completely hopeless and she was finally broken. He wondered whether it would stop if he died, if that strange intuition of hers would pick up on it, if she would return to her own life.

"How long have you been looking?" he asked.

"Oh, just a few years. You may not have heard, but Keiko passed away. Yusuke returned here and I came too since there's nothing left for me in the human world. But . . . ." Yukina passed a hand over her eyes, a sad frown on the corners of her mouth. "But, it all feels rather hopeless. I don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Most of the time I end up wandering around cities, asking for a man with a hiruseki stone. But maybe that's not the best way to go about it. I don't know. . . . Sometimes I wonder if I should return to the island."

Hiei didn't have anything to say to that. He couldn't tell her to return to their homeland. He despised those women, and she would be unhappy there anyway; unaccepted. But he didn't want to see her wander the demon plane for centuries searching for what was right in front of her. A part of him reasoned it would be best to tell her and get it over with, but the rest of his brain shot the idea down. Hiei knew he only thought of that because he was upset over the situation, because it seemed easier to confess the truth.

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it's funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

He gave a start as the gentle clack of her tears hitting the floor rang in his ears. His hand twitched forward with an immediate urge to comfort her but he controlled the impulse and pulled back. Hiei closed his eyes against the scene. He couldn't stand the sight of it. Seeing her face twisted in agony and hearing those precious tears against the ground made his gut twist in a sickening knot.

"I know," she started in a whisper. "I know he's alive somewhere. But I don't know where, and I don't know where to look. It feels so hopeless and I can't stand it. I can't stand it."

"Then stop," he nearly snapped. "If he hurts you so much, it's not worth the effort. He doesn't deserve your tears."

"But it is! It is worth it!" Yukina exclaimed as she leaned forward slightly. Hiei blinked, surprised at her adamancy, and had a hard time finding his voice.

And she says oooh
I can't take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cuz I can't help her now
She's down in it
She tried her best and now she can't win it's
Hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

With a gentle exhale of breath Yukina turned her clearing eyes to the table. "Hiei, don't you . . . don't you ever want a family?"

". . . Sometimes." Hiei tilted his head back to look at the ceiling.

"So you know why I have to keep looking. I just . . . want him to know someone loves him. I want that base, that connection friends can't have. Even if you're miles apart, you know someone out there is on your side because you're connected. I wanted that, not just for me, but for him too," she said.

Hiei refused to speak. She was still as caring as he remembered and he was amazed that none of that sweetness was lost in the years. Hiei didn't deny that he enjoyed hearing she cared so much for him, but at the same time it strengthened his resolve against revealing the truth. It was better to let her keep that fanciful image of her only family. Telling her what he really was, what he had been, would surely wound her sweet spirit.

He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped as he saw her watching the moon outside the window. She looked to be in thought, and Hiei hoped she was considering a new course of action. He hoped she would forsake her quest.

He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He would let her keep her silence.

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don't feel right

After a time Hiei stood. He was due to return to patrol.

"It's late. There is a spare room you can rest in until you're ready to leave," he said. Yukina nodded and joined him as he left the room. He led her through the halls to an empty room with four bunk-beds.

She thanked him with a grateful smile, though he noticed the warmth and light of it was less than her initial greeting.

"Your brother," Hiei started as she began to turn away. Yukina gave him her attention. "What will you do if you never find him? Will you waste your life hunting a ghost?"

She looked to the floor. "I was planning on looking as long as I knew he was alive, but it's proved difficult. Maybe I'll take a break until I have something to work with, or at least some more hope for the situation."

Hiei nodded. He liked that answer. He left her and returned outside to his post.

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there's something less about her
And I don't know what I'm supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
And don't let her see

Perhaps the Jagan was spiting him. Hiei had a hard time keeping his concentration on the task at hand. When he closed his eyes he was hit with the image of his sister laying in the dark surrounded by gems shining with moonlight. He forced his senses to reach into the surrounding area and found that the image returned when he let that concentration slip.

He wasn't sure why it was bothering him. She did say her plans had changed. He was content with her new course, so there was no reason to be anxious. After thinking it over, Hiei admitted to himself that the only reason he was worried was because he hated seeing her cry. And even worse, she was crying about him. That was a cause for anger in his mind.

She was too stubborn, he decided. And he was disappointed with his own lack. He didn't know how to start trying to cheer her up. Hiei's shoulder twitched as a presence approached from inside the ship.

"You're looking tense." Mokuro's taunting voice sounded in his ear.

"Hn."

Hiei was given the remainder of the night to rethink his decision. It had been decades since he really thought it over and Yukina's presence brought the necessity of it to light. He wondered if it had been long enough since his deplorable activities to warrant her approval. He had more than paid his dues and he felt himself a less reckless man than in those days he served as spirit detective. Surely he had gained some respect in the eyes of his peers, enough to achieve a good standing in his sister's mind.

But then he realized that she had not known him in any of those long decades. Her image of him was probably still of the hot headed thief and murderer, as he had imagined her as the innocent girl he had known. But they had both changed. Perhaps that was more of a reason to keep the secret. He didn't know her that well. He didn't know how she would take it.

Hiei decided in the end to remain true to his original choice. Yukina's despair would pass, especially if she concentrated on other things as she said she would. Besides, what would happen if he did tell her? He would just return to his life, to the routine. Nothing would really change. He was content to leave things as they were. It was safe, because he knew Yukina would do well that way.

She would be fine.

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She'll be all right
She'll be all right
Just not tonight

The patroller had stopped in a grassy plain outside a small town. Hiei was happy to see Yukina's face was clear again as he wondered what their next meeting would be like and how long it would take to come about. A part of him was almost relieved to see her leave. At least then he wouldn't see it if she did cry.

"Thank you, Hiei," she said. "Talking with you gave me new hope. I won't give up on my brother, but I've decided that maybe it's not my responsibility to find him. I'm beginning to think that he might be the one to find me."

"Hm, what will you do now?"

"I think I'll go visit some old friends. It'll be nice to relax for a while."

Hiei nodded. Yukina hesitated in leaving. She sent him another of her warm smiles in full. "When I do meet my brother I hope he's something like you. Goodbye, Hiei."

Hiei said nothing and watched her walk away. He was glad to see her attitude had lightened again. He couldn't stand to see her unhappy and he definitely didn't want a gem collection to remember her by.

And even though they were miles apart, he could be content because she was still smiling.

I can't take these diamonds falling down