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"Sherlock?.." Asked John one day. He was drinking tea in 221b a few weeks after Sherlock s short 'exhile'.

"Mm? Oh, yes John?" Asked Sherlock, who was wrapped up in a case.

John twiddled his fingers around each other and breathed. He had been thinking of this question for weeks but hadn't had the guts to ask it. Sherlock noticed this and stopped working for a second to listen to what his previous flatmate had to ask him.

"The day we thought you would leave; you..." John paused to breath, "you weren't going to say the Sherlock was actually a girls name where you?"

Sherlock froze like a rabbit in headlights. What? After all these years John had finally worked it out? He shuddered and then tried to mask his face of emotion, he was a good actor, he couldn't let John know. Not now he was happy with Mary...

"No..." Was Sherlock's reply, then he smiled as if that cleared everything up.

"So what were you going to say?" Asked John, suddenly fearing the answer.

"I..." Cover lies with the truth... "I just wanted to see you smile one last time, that is all. One more smile to get me through the months..." Sherlock swallowed, he couldn't believe that he had been so close to losing John.

"Really? Is that all?" Asked John, he felt strangely disappointed even though he had dreaded the answer that he thought he would get.

Sherlock swallowed even more, the lump in his throat becoming bigger the more he thought about it. "No, John, that is not all." He paused. "But to keep you as my friend I do not wish to tell you what I was going to say, or any reasons behind it."

John shuddered. Whatever Sherlock had to say was important and bottling it up would do him No good. "Could you tell me anyway?"

"Maybe one day John, maybe one day." Said Sherlock, looking out of the window so that John wouldn't see the tears almost escaping.

John sighed and after a while of silence he left the room to get his coat. As he exited, Sherlock muttered slowly under his breath;

"I was going to say I love you, John, I'm sorry..."

Now that John wasn't in the room Sherlock let a single tear find a path down his face. It was unwelcome and new, all these emotions, and Sherlock wished to keep them hidden. Still, nothing could stop him crying now that he guessed John had worked it out. His biggest secret.

As John found his coat in the other room he breathed and sighed into his jacket;

"I know, Sherlock, God I know. And I am so sorry, too. I'm so so sorry it had to be this way." He looked up. "Any other way and I would be able to say that I love you back, but now I can't... But I do love you Sherlock Holmes, I love you so so much..." He couldn't continue, his thoughts were too messed up in his head.

With that he left, without Sherlock ever hearing his reply. Nothing was said, Sherlock just sat in his chair, alone. To keep himself company Sherlock muttered the words;

"Alone is all I have, alone protects me..."

But he no longer believed it, no, not any more.

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