A/N: Hello there. We're new to this fandom/community so please excuse our...newbie-ness! This is written in a text and screenplay format (or attempted to) so the basic terms/abbreviations you'll see in the fic will be explained at the end. Comments and criticisms are much appreciated!
DOMESTIC
By
Noax
PART 1: IN WHICH JOHN DECIDES NOT TO LET MRS HUDSON MAKE HIS TEA ANYMORE - TEXT
BORED.
John.
John where are you.
John wake up.
Come now quickly I need your help.
Christ.
You woke me up at eight.
It's a Sunday.
Where are you.
On my way back. Please make tea.
I'll be in bed. Sleeping. You make your bloody tea.
Earl grey will do.
I'll poison it with your ruddy experiments.
No you won't.
Right. And before I continue with this conversation I shall remain in bed.
Tell Mrs Hudson to get the beaker in put in the refrigerator.
Good night, Sherlock.
It's not an course it's not an argument.
You're going to listen to me anyway.
The beaker, John, the beaker.
John.
John.
John.
John.
JOHN!
JOHN!
JOHN!
Oh bloody hell.
THE BEAKER, John.
You're getting strawberry jam or no tea at all.
I already got it.
Fine.
You didn't smell like strawberries this morning.
Of course.
Tell me again why do I put this up with you?
You love me.
No I don't.
Yes, you do. You adore me.
Really? What makes you say that?
Because I irritate you.
That doesn't equate with love you know.
TEA.
What?
The tea's boiling, john.
?
Shit. Right. Thanks.
...Did you just predict when the tea's going to boil?
Lemon and six tablespoons of sugar will do. If you're looking for milk ,we're out.
Get milk then.
Already did.
...
Don't blame me if the tea gets cold.
I never said I wanted to drink it.
Wtf-are you seriously experimenting with tea?
...Don't answer that.
Yes, you're needed so don't go to sleep.
Fantastic. I'll be in bed if you need me.
I do need you.
See you in slumberland.
It's a Sunday, Sherlock.
Exactly.
...I should receive some sort of award for being your flatmate.
(DIALOGUE)
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
SHERLOCK, late-thirties, tall and striking with cheekbones that can give you a paper cut, is reading the newspaper upside down. JOHN, also late thirties, all military, walks out, fixing his tie.
As he goes to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water:
JOHN
I'll be meeting up with Sarah today.
Sherlock speaks but doesn't look up from the papers:
SHERLOCK
Sarah won't be expecting you today - I need you.
If I were you, I'd want to drink 3 glasses of water.
Tap water.
JOHN
Why don't you drink it.
SHERLOCK
No, you're compatible.
John almost says something but he doesn't.
Instead, he sighs, empties the glass and fills it with tap water.
JOHN
What experiment is this anyway?
Actually, he doesn't want to know. As he holds up his hands:
JOHN
Nevermind, don't answer.
Sherlock answers anyways:
SHERLOCK
Tea.
(A beat.)
Poison.
Of course. What else did John expect?
JOHN
(Blinks)
...I'm going out.
SHERLOCK
Don't worry, you're not going to die.
He flips a page of the paper with blasé.
JOHN
(Oozing sarcasm)
Oh, that's reassuring.
SHERLOCK
The tea's going to save you.
JOHN
I'm calling Lestrade, Molly or any other willing victim-person for you to poison.
John fumbles a bit for his phone. He can't find it.
SHERLOCK
I told you, you're compatible.
Other brown jacket, left pocket.
John looks up. Yup, now he remembers. It is in the brown jacket.
JOHN
If I die, I will haunt you.
SHERLOCK
You won't die. I didn't poison you, by the way. Mrs Hudson did - Not that she knew.
Sherlock tears the World News section in half and scrutinizes it.
JOHN
Oh for the love of-
SHERLOCK
The tea will saturate the poison.
JOHN
I hate you.
(RIP. RIP. RIP. TEAR. RIP.)
JOHN
For God's sake, Sherlock, what are you doing with the paper?
(RIIIIIIIIIIP.)
SHERLOCK
By the way, when you go to bed tonight, don't sleep on your side.
JOHN
Do I want to know why?
(A beat)
No. No I don't.
SHERLOCK
Good night, John.
INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
John wakes up.
He ruffles his hair, but something on his hand catches his eye:
JOHN
(Mustering every single attempt to remain calm)
The fu- Blue fingernails?
He walks to the doorway and stares straight at Sherlock. He wiggles his fingers.
JOHN
I have blue nails. Care to explain?
SHERLOCK
You obviously didn't sleep on your side.
JOHN
Sherlock Holmes. You. ARE GOING TO FIX MY NAILS OR I WILL STOP BUYING YOU POPTARTS.
SHERLOCK
There's a nail bar down the street - might help.
JOHN
Fantastic, do you know a good spa place, too?
No, I'm not going to get a bloody manicure.
SHERLOCK
I can get you a discount.
*Notes:
EXT = exterior
INT = interior
O.S. = off-screen
A beat = a pause before the character speaks
SEQUENCE = a series of quick shots
CUT TO/BACK TO = change of shot
*The first person language (e.g. "We see…") is a common style for screenplays, which means the camera shows/the audience sees something.