The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
He was here again, in my flat, stalking around like he owned the place, checking. Checking that Amy, Rae, the kids, that no one else was in, checking that he had me alone. His presence was exciting me in all the wrong ways, this wasn't right, I knew that. But still a smile crept across my face when he came back to me, satisfied no one was about.
"Honestly no one's around," I said tentatively
Brendan just fixed me with that stare, the stare that made me completely succumb to him willingly every time.
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
I panicked, somewhere inside I knew this was wrong, so fucking wrong. He was a monster, everything about him screamed psychopath, he was doing this for himself, he didn't care. He didn't care about me or my feelings; all he cared about was the pleasure. But when his lips touched mine, my breathing went haywire caused by heart erratically beating. I hated Brendan with a passion, every single fucking trait. His lies, his manipulation, the feeling of self loathing I tended to feel after Brendan left early in the morning, again. But still here I was now, pushed down on to my own bed and Brendan coming down to me, that smile that someone might mistake as affectionate or friendly, not to me though, I knew the true meaning behind it. Yeah he was happy, happy with himself for getting to me another time.
You won't try to save me
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate
I wake up next morning alone, abandoned, deserted. The feeling of desperation hits me hard, desperate to have him sleeping next to me still, desperate to have a normal relationship with a man I know I will never have, desperate for more of what he gave me last night. And that thought sickens me the most. I just can't help thinking that he actually wants to do this to me, he takes pleasure in hurting me in this way as well as the other ways. You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth
How do you do it?
You're my heroine!
Later that day I tried to talk to him about last night and probably should have left it, I just have to keep pushing and pushing, cause the anger that comes so easily to him. But I was just sick and tired of this merry go around that had become my life; each day seemed to be another endless cycle of the same old game. Brendan wants it and I say no but then it happens anyway, I'm so fucking weak! Why does he get to me so much?
When I had pushed him far enough this time, he struck out. Well more than struck out because I woke up awhile later on the cellar floor, cold and alone.
I didn't want to admit the truth of what was going on because then I would have to admit a whole host of other things that were going on and had been going on plus truths about myself that I really didn't want to address, so I had to keep quiet about everything in fear of someone finding out and eventually leading to Brendan finding out. This wasn't right I knew that but I was so confused about my feelings and the want I felt in those few moments with him. Those feelings during those nights were stronger than the sadness I felt afterward. There were times that I worked up the courage to end things because, when it came down to it, that I shouldn't be treated like this. But every time I confronted him he'd either talk me round, or again fix me with that look that made me forget all my anger, I was hooked by this man… You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in every time.
But even when I sort of got along by myself, he was always there! Its like he had nothing better to do then to follow me around the place, I was so afraid he was going to hurt me if he got me alone. When he did finally get me alone, I shouted through my fear, at him, told him everything that was wrong about him and he just stood there staring at me. I didn't even know if he was actually listening to me. I got aggravated by the blatant fact that he didn't care what I had to say, I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm before I could escape the inevitable. He pulled me close and I knew I would give in another time; I can not stay angry at him. I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself.
I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.
I stand looking in to the mirror across from my bed and study myself. I look at the bruises he has painted on to my face, look at the shame that is permanently set there. The absence of Brendan has done this to me again. I'd hate to see what he would do if I was with someone else, I know he thinks that I belong to him and that's where I should stay, but I also know that everyone else would disagree. He thinks I am too dumb to do anything, but then that's probably the perspective of everyone around here. Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.
I can't resist him.
But under your covers more torture than pleasure
I live for the pleasure; deal with the torture, emotional and physical.
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter
The anger scares me so much, but I've seen him in his softer moments with me and how he is with his sister, I know he's cable of being calm. What is it about me that just makes him lose it?
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!
I like to believe that I can change him but I know the truth is I can't. I know I need to get out as soon as I can. I like to believe that will happen too but I know I can't. But you know what they say, it's near impossible to break a habit and he's mine.
My heroine….