Never Gave Up
At first it was just feeling tired, a slight headache, nothing he hadn't felt hundreds, maybe thousands of times before either from the job or from a bender. Still, he had just come from a confrontation. It came with the territory. You try to avoid the fistfights, the physical dangers, but often times, it was unavoidable. He had chalked it up to another day at the office.
He collapsed onto the couch. It was worn and developing a groove where he always found the sweet spot, the spot where his body would conform and melt into that familiar and comforting contour that helped sleep to come that much quicker. Tonight, though, it seemed that his body was begging for it that much more. The tired feeling he had begun with was quickly switching gears to a weariness that usually came from exhaustion. He then noticed his left hand, his dominant hand, trembling, twitching for no reason. He had only had to place one punch and he had led with his right so why was his left hand shaking? He tried to curl his fingers into a fist to try and steady it, but he couldn't do it. The room then began to quiver in his eyesight. He tried to stand, but his body was notched into that familiar, normally comforting, now suddenly disconcerting groove in his couch. He realized that there was something decidedly wrong and he willed his body to move. He had been surprised at how heavy he felt, how quickly his limbs were weakening, still, he forced every muscle to resist whatever was coming over him. He tried to focus his blurring vision to the coffee table where his phone sat, completely oblivious to his plight. He reached out, his hand shaking harder than before.
As he bent forward to grasp it, his body dropped to the floor, his control over it waning even more. He had managed to get his phone into his grip though and through vision that seemed to be tunneling in on him, he managed to find the name he needed and pressed the call button.
It began to ring, but his hold on consciousness was slipping rapidly. When a voice came on, he realized that his own was no more than a rasp.
"Billy?" the voice on the other end called out.
It was Michael's.
"Billy?" He called out again only more urgently.
All Michael heard was struggling breathing. He didn't need anymore proof. He could hear that Billy was in serious trouble.
"Hang on. I'm coming to get you."
Billy couldn't hold his eyelids open any longer and drifted into unconsciousness.
ChaosChaosChaos
"Poisoned?" Michael said to the doctor incredulously, Rick and Casey beside him.
"Yes, we're trying to ascertain the formula. A sedative was part of it, which was what caused the unconsciousness. Can you think of anything that he's ingested that was out of the ordinary?"
"Everything Billy eats is out of the ordinary," Casey said.
"Yes, well, that may be true, but we need to narrow down if he ate something or possibly was unknowingly injected with something," the doctor said.
"Does Billy remember anything?" Rick asked, his concern growing as he fought to remember the day, the moves they had all made, if during the hand-to-hand confrontation, someone had injected Billy without his knowledge and specifically if there had been a time when Billy had been separated from them.
"He's still unconscious, but I'm hoping he'll be coming out of it soon."
"We'll do our best to retrace our steps, his steps and let you know. Can you tell us what kind of poison?" Michael asked.
"Not specifically, but we think it's a neurotoxin of some sort. It could be a derivative from a toxin that came from a venomous animal, puffer fish is likely."
Michael hated asking his next question, but the more facts they had, the quicker they could find the answer.
"What can we expect…timeline wise?"
"It's hard to know. If we keep him calm, perhaps even sedated, it could slow the progression of it into his system, but that would only be delaying the inevitable. However this toxin was created, we'll need to determine its composition to create an antidote."
"So we have to find the poison," Casey said.
"Or the chemist who created it," the doctor emphasized.
Michael saved the worst question for last.
"What will happen to him?"
"Without knowing what else was in the poison, neurotoxins, alone, suppress breathing through progressive paralysis. He may also experience severe muscle spasms."
The doctor's words fell like lead in the air. The only thing missing was the sound of a thud as they hit the floor.
"Thank you, doctor," Michael finally said breaking the despair heavy in the room. "Can you let us know when Billy wakes up?"
"Of course. I wish I had better news."
The doctor then walked away.
The silence between Michael, Casey and Rick was filled with unspoken anxiety. Rick finally broke it.
"Do you remember anything?"
"No, but we've got to figure it out and soon. Hopefully Billy will remember something. There was a lot going on. Ricin can be delivered by just a coated ball bearing and only a small amount can kill," Casey said, showcasing his expertise in all things weaponry-related. "Whoever the assassin was, he could have administered the neurotoxin without Billy even knowing about it."
Michael could only nod.
ChaosChaosChaos
After a couple of hours, Billy had emerged from unconsciousness, dazed and confused. The doctor had told him the situation in front of the others and the look on his face was one of calm resolution.
"Well, then I believe the sooner we get cracking on it, the better my chances for survival."
"Billy, you really shouldn't –" Rick started to say.
"You can stop right there, sonny because I know what you're going to say, but I'm not just going to lay here and let death take me without a fight. I may be able to buy some time if I did but even that's in question and for what purpose? Just to die a few hours, maybe a day later? No, I don't think so. Now, doctor, if you'd kindly just untether me –"
"I have to object to this –"
"Objection duly noted," Billy said as he tried to stand, a wave of dizziness hitting him and he had to brace himself on the bed to steady himself. "But I need to help my team find my killer."
Michael, Casey and Rick, all seemed to straighten in unison at the statement, the weight of the responsibility weighing on all of them.
"You're not going to die," Rick insisted, though even he didn't feel the conviction behind the words.
Billy smiled with appreciation.
"Not if I can help it, lad. Not if I can help it," Billy said. "Now, doctor, if you please, I'd rather not waste what time I have left on this mortal plane discussing what has already been decided."
"I'll have a nurse remove the IVs," the doctor said as he left the room.
"Can one of you get my clothes? I fear I'll catch me death of a cold with the breeze that's passing through me legs," Billy joked.
The others could only marvel at Billy's ability to find gallows humor in the situation.
After the nurses took out the IVs and Billy had dressed, the "interrogation" began.
"Do you remember anything unusual?" Casey asked.
"No, everything was pretty much routine."
"Did you eat anything unusual?"
"What? Other than the bangers and mash I had for lunch?"
Casey scrunched his face.
"Yes, other than the usual disgusting food you eat."
"I take umbrage to your aspersion. It's the food of my homeland, my childhood. You don't know what you're missing, man."
"Yes, I do and I'll miss it gladly," Casey asserted.
Billy could only smile.
"How about during the fight? Do you remember being stuck with a needle?" Casey continued, refusing to be sidetracked as much to spite Billy as to fervently need to get answers so that he could save him.
"No, no, I don't think so, but things were going fast and furious. I remember landing a punch here and there, but nothing in particular stands out as unusual. It would have had to have been a very small gauge for me to not have felt anything."
Michael listened to the exchange when he heard his phone ring. The message on the screen said BLOCKED, still, something told him that he should answer it.
"Hello?"
"How does it feel, Michael? One of your own marked for death and you not being able to do anything about it."
The color left Michael's face. Everyone noticed and stopped talking.
"What's the matter, fearless leader? Cat got your tongue?"
"Simms…"
ChaosChaosChaos
"What? I thought -" Rick said.
"Tell the new guy, becoming bitter is what you have to earn when you're a part of the ODS. Just like trust," Simms taunted over the speakerphone.
"Damn it, Simms. How did you escape?"
"I learned from the best, remember?"
Michael's face registered anger then realization.
"The toxin was meant for me, wasn't it?"
"Think really highly of yourself, don't you? And that was the problem, wasn't it? Well, this little lesson would have been lost on you if you had been the target, now wouldn't it? No, Michael, for you to gain the proper perspective, to learn a bit of the necessary humility, someone you care about had to take the bullet meant for you."
"Simms, you bloody bastard," Billy said as he took the phone from Michael's grip. "Have you not the balls to face me like a man?"
"Ah, Billy, ever the hero. You have got to let go of that Sean Connery complex of yours. Still, I'm sorry that you'll have to pay the price for this lesson. I really liked you."
"Spare me the platitudes, Simms," Billy bit back angrily.
Michael took the phone back.
"Look, Carson, just give me the antidote and you can go anywhere you want. I won't -"
"Bother to find me? Haven't you already done that?" Simms said, his voice sounding both sad and vengeful. "Three years, Michael. All of you wrote me off as dead. Now, you'll understand the helplessness I felt when I realized you weren't coming for me. THAT'S the lesson I want you to learn."
"Don't you think I've already learned it?" Michael said his voice tempered with regret.
"You know, I almost believe you, but I know you, Michael. You have a talent for compartmentalizing things to rationalize your decisions, well, this is one ODS operative oh, I mean, FORMER ODS operative, who isn't going to let you forget the one man you did leave behind."
Simms then hung up. Michael stood motionless and frozen for a moment, but snapped back.
"Casey, get tech on to finding where Simms was calling. I know it'll be a burn phone, but we've got to start somewhere. I know him…WE know him. He'll milk this to the end. He'll call again."
"On it," Casey said as he left.
Billy rubbed his face in frustration. Michael noticed.
"This is my fault and I'll make it right," Michael said.
Billy turned realizing that Michael was misinterpreting his body language.
"No, it isn't, Michael, stop playing the lone martyr in this. We all left Simms behind and the man who's doing this isn't the same man who served with us. Don't forget that. Imprisonment ate at whoever was the real Carson Simms and what's left is someone else, someone embittered," Billy insisted.
Michael didn't know if he could separate the two men Billy was describing. He only nodded.
Billy then clenched his eyes and midsection, curling into himself. Michael braced him.
"Bugger," Billy groaned out.
When the feeling passed, Billy nodded.
"I don't think you should –" Michael started.
"Rubbish. Right, let's get on with it then," Billy said as he slowly walked out of the room, grimacing, but doing his best to hide it.
Michael flashed a look of concern towards Rick and he could only take in a deep breath.
ChaosChaosChaos
Michael had been right about the burn phone and he hadn't been surprised, but the weight of losing time, Billy's time, was weighing heavily on him so he had started reading over all the mission reports that the four of them had completed to see if he could find something, remember something that would help reveal a weakness. He had been reading for hours while Casey and Rick tracked down any other leads, retracing how Billy could have been poisoned, hoping to find evidence that would lead them to Simms.
Billy walked over to Michael's desk. He had been worried about the fact that he hadn't eaten or slept since finding out that it had been Simms at the heart of his attack.
"Michael, you're completely knackered, get some sleep."
"Not until I find something. I'll sleep then," Michael insisted, as he took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
Billy was sincerely moved by the dedication that Michael was showing to save his life. He had always known it to be there for all of them. Michael may be a paranoid bastard, but his commitment to the team was unquestionable. It was why he put Rick through such rigorous tests of loyalty. He needed that same commitment in return. Rick had more than met the challenges, as Billy had long surmised for himself just by his performance during the missions they had worked on together.
"And what were you hoping to accomplish by reading all this?" Billy queried, a feeling of spasmodic pain creeping into his chest.
"I trained him, Billy. He's as good as any of us, but we all have our 'tells'. I have to find his weakness, something that I might have dismissed back then, but that could tell me what his next move will be. I need to anticipate him in order to catch him."
Michael took in a breath and leaned back in his chair.
"And when we do, do you really expect him to just hand over the antidote to you?" Billy asked.
"What are you saying?" Michael asked the expression on his face was a mix of concern and confusion.
"I'm saying that maybe we should refocus our efforts."
"To what exactly?" Michael said, his voice was one of anger and denial because a part of him knew exactly where Billy was going, but he just wouldn't accept it.
"Of getting Simms out from the cold and locking him up."
"That's exactly what I'm doing –"
"No, mate, you're going after him to get the antidote and you're grinding yourself into the ground doing it. I'll help for as long as I can, but in the end, even if we did find him, you know that he won't give it up. It's personal for him now."
"Yes, he will, we'll make him tell us."
"Really? And how do you suppose we go about that, aye? Torture it out of him? He knows better than that. Face it, Michael. The best outcome we can hope for is to catch the bugger before he gets to you or Casey or God forbid, Rick. Not to put too fine a melodramatic point on it, I'm done for."
"No, I refuse to accept that."
Billy saw the raw helplessness that Michael's anger was concealing on his face. He understood that as a leader Michael wouldn't be able to accept anything less than a completely successful mission, that he would try to find a way to salvage any situation even if things went spiraling out of control, but Billy knew that reality didn't always play fair especially when you had people like Simms changing the rules or doctoring the game board.
"You're going to have to accept that there are just some things that are not in your control and more importantly, that are not your fault. This is one of those times. What Simms is doing isn't because of anything you did alone. It's all of us. He resents our going on without him. I need you to know that I've accepted my fate and that no matter what happens, you have to keep leading the ODS, keep teaching Rick what it means to be a right stellar operative."
Michael's posture collapsed as he rubbed his face, trying to keep his emotions in check, but he was finding it difficult to do.
"Like the example I set for Simms?" He said with anger in his voice.
"No, like the example you set for me. I came to the ODS a man without a country, without direction. You showed me that there was more that I could give to the work and I have because of it. I'm proud of all I've done here. It was more than I ever thought I had in me to give. You can give that to Rick now."
"I don't know if I can…"
"You can and you will," Billy asserted gently.
Billy then crumpled to the floor.
"Bollix," Billy gritted out in pain.
He curled into himself, feeling the spasms of pain hit him, taking him by surprise. He groaned and did his best to breathe through it. Michael helped him the best way that he could, by just giving Billy an arm to support him, but he felt the steely grip upon it and could only imagine the agony Billy was going through by that measure of discomfort to him in comparison. It made him feel even angrier towards Simms.
Michael often prided himself for being able to separate himself from the emotion that sometimes comes with the job like when Rick had been shot. He knew what he had to do then with the clear-headed clarity that removing emotion from a situation afforded. It's not that he didn't care, but he knew that in order to achieve what seemed even to Casey to be an impossible feat, he had to only think of the outcome, of arriving at that clinic before Rick bled out. It was that singular focus that had allowed him to make it in time and not crack under the overwhelming odds against its success.
It was that same ability that had destroyed his marriage to Faye. She had needed that emotion from him. She didn't need the analytical paranoid in their relationship. She needed him to break so that she could see the bare, fallible man beneath. He had wanted to give that to her, but had found that disconnect difficult to achieve. The irony was that the closest he had come to that was when they had lost Simms. Failure was the unacceptable result that he could never come to terms with and when they had thought Simms had been killed, that failure nearly broke him and Faye had been there to hold the shattered pieces of his psyche and confidence together. But once the months went by and he climbed back into the work, the wall had gone back up again and the marriage had never recovered.
What Billy was asking him to do, to remove the emotion by accepting that Billy couldn't be saved and switch his focus towards finding Simms before he could hurt the others wasn't as easy a request as it would seem. He knew that he wouldn't be able to do that. Billy had saved his life more times than he could count, sometimes hovering near death himself after attempting it so that simple separation wasn't going to be easily accomplished.
"Easy, Billy. I gotcha. I have your back," Michael said as he guided Billy through the pain.
Saying those words just affirmed that no matter what Billy wanted, Michael wasn't going to shift his goal of saving Billy. He would apply the same necessary focus he could to make it happen, even if it meant wringing it out of Simms with his own bare hands.
ChaosChaosChaos
Michael tried to order Billy to go home, but he had refused. He told him that if Michael was going to ignore his suggestions, then he was going to do the same back. Michael knew it was mostly bravado, but he also knew that he wouldn't be able to change his mind. A part of him understood that Billy could no more sit back and do nothing than any of the rest of them could in the same situation. It was the kind of insubordination that was accepted. It didn't make seeing Billy deteriorate any easier, but it was on Billy's terms and Michael could and would respect that. He headed out of the office to get more files as Billy remained, reading his own batch of reports back when Simms had worked with them. He had hoped that Michael's theoretical pursuit of finding a "tell" could be found in his reports somewhere or jog a memory. It mollified Michael by at least feigning rest and not exerting unnecessary energies. Casey then entered and brushed past Michael. They gave each other knowing looks, telling Casey everything he needed to know. Billy noticed.
"I can see you, you know."
"See what? I thought Michael was the paranoid one."
"You know what, that look, that 'Billy's being a stubborn git' look. Damn right I am so you can just forget about wasting your breath trying to convince me to go home."
"I wasn't even thinking about it," Casey said as he headed towards his desk.
Michael then left, a small smile creasing his face.
"Besides, if you want to kill yourself by being stubborn then so be it. Who am I to change your mind?" Casey teased.
Billy raised an eyebrow.
"This from a man who quotes percentages of concentration as some backward way of telling a very lovely woman, by the way, that he loves her? You are calling me stubborn?"
"We're not starting that again. How many times do I have say it? She misrepresented –"
"I rest my case."
Billy then went back to his reading, but clenched in pain. Casey noticed it.
"Are you all right?" Casey asked, seriously concerned.
"Right as rain," Billy groaned out.
"You're a lousy liar."
"Did you and Rick find anything?" Billy asked trying to deflect the conversation, giving him time to control the pain.
"Maybe. We managed to commandeer the garbage and the trash from the clean up crew. We found syringes."
"While that's a hopeful clue, keep in mind we were at a medical conference. I hate to admit it, but it was a bloody clever ruse of Simms to make his move there. In fact, I believe he set up the whole thing just to get us there."
Casey demurred.
"It's highly likely. We're already checking surveillance cameras to see if we can find him."
"You won't and you know it. You won't find any registration on him either. He's a clever little bugger, that one."
"You know, I find your lack of faith a little insulting," Casey said.
Billy smiled, but it was short-lived.
"This has got nothing to do with your considerable talents. Simms has done his homework, has done everything we would have done to cover his tracks."
Casey had nothing to say to dispute what he had accepted already as fact.
"We'll find him," was all he could say even though a part of him didn't believe it completely.
Billy looked over and saw the frustration on the face of his comrade. Casey didn't take any kind of defeat well.
"Look, I know you're doing your best and I want you to know that I appreciate it."
Casey heard the sincere words and didn't want to hear them. The kind of appreciation they gave each other didn't come from words or platitudes, it was from doing the work, performing the roles they did best to maximize success for the team. Hearing the words only signaled finality to Casey, that he wouldn't be able to show Billy how much he appreciated him through thrusting his fists and feet against a group of potential assassins or for Billy to charm his way to free Casey from an untenable situation of which fists would be useless.
"It's not over yet. You're not…" Casey started as a rare hitch in his throat stopped him.
"No, I'm not, but I can't abide the idea that once I am –"
"You're NOT going to –"
"That once I am," Billy pressed softly, but with a distinct conviction. "That carefully crafted anger that you channel so well into an effective use of force will break and make you do something that will make you less the human and more the weapon. I can't have that happen, Casey, not because of me. I won't let Simms win that way. I can't."
Casey blinked at Billy, trying to stave off the emotion rushing past yet another carefully constructed wall of control. All he could do was swallow with difficultly.
"You have to promise me that won't happen, that you won't let him win."
Casey looked at Billy. For Billy to tell Casey that he couldn't direct his martial arts skills, his physical weaponry to destroy Simms with maximum prejudice was something he didn't think he could accomplish because it reached to the very core of his identity in the ODS. He prided himself in being the human weapon, to have the ability to unleash his fighting prowess to save his friends or to salvage a mission. He didn't think he could just set that aside, to blithely stand by and watch any one of his friends be hurt without some kind of retribution, some kind of act of protection.
"Are you asking me to throw a fight? To let Simms do his will without fighting back?"
"I would never do that. I'm just asking you to just this once, for me, turn the other cheek and win by not giving Simms what he wants…Your soul."
Casey blinked at Billy, his chest tightening at the gesture that Billy was asking him to accept.
"Billy…"
"Simms is doing more than just poisoning me. He's counting on destroying each and every one of ya by the things you do best. Michael, for his dispassionate razor sharp leadership and you, for your ability to subdue any man and any weapon with just a swift punch or kick. In the end, his goal is really to break the ODS and I can't have that because the ODS saved me. You and Michael and now young Rick have given me something that Simms could never take away, your friendship. The ODS has to keep on going. If not for me then for Rick. He needs you."
Casey was at a loss for words. He had only one defense mechanism, to fight, both with his body and with his words and he couldn't employ either one at that moment.
"Well, I've rendered the human weapon disarmed. A red letter day, it is then," Billy said half teasingly, but also with an imploring tone to his voice.
"Okay," was all Casey could say as he quickly left the room.
Casey had never run from any situation, not from any fight, any battle or even from the most uncomfortable of social situations, but at that moment, he had felt like his knees would betray him and buckle under him in despair so he had to run out, once out the door, he leaned against the wall and took in deep breaths to prevent his emotional wall from cracking and creating a deluge he knew he couldn't stop once it had begun. After a few minutes, he felt enough in control to straighten his suit, stand up and walk away towards the gym. He needed to vent his rage and frustration on a bag otherwise he would fall apart.
ChaosChaosChaos
Rick came into the office and spied Billy poring over reports just as he had seen Michael do. Billy looked haggard and though he was trying to hide it, Rick knew the pain was getting progressively worse. He marveled at Billy's threshold for it.
"Find anything?" Rick asked, not bothering to ask how Billy felt. It was a pointless question.
Billy looked up, the exhaustion and struggle on his face.
"Not yet, but I feel that we're getting close," Billy said.
Rick gave him a skeptical look.
"Not the new guy anymore, Billy. I don't need protecting," Rick said softly.
Billy looked at him, gave a quick smile then with a sense of pride, he nodded his head.
"Quite right, you aren't. I'm sorry for that," Billy clenched in pain. "After all, it may fall upon you to carry the ODS torch after I'm gone."
"What? No, no, that's not what I –"
"What you want? Well, you may have no choice, lad. I've come to terms with my fate, but I fear that Michael and Casey will have a much more difficult time of it so it falls upon your shoulders to hold the ODS together. It's a burden I'm sorry to have to lay on you, but I know that you are up to the task."
Rick looked at Billy with shock and fear on his face.
"I…I don't think I can I…"
"You said you didn't need protecting, well, here is your first solo mission only instead of Higgins, it's me who's handing you the objective. Do what you have to, play your dirtiest tricks, be as unscrupulous as you can, apply every thing you've learned from being around us, become a right bastard if you must, but promise me you will keep the ODS alive. Consider it keeping me alive if you have to."
Rick's expression was filled with dread, sadness, and fear and Billy hated the way he had thrown such a responsibility onto their newest, still-in-nappies recruit.
"I'm sorry. That was a bit abrupt of me. Dying can do that. What I mean to say is that I don't want the ODS to disappear and I know that if someone doesn't fight for it, Higgins will use my death, essentially blame Michael and Casey for it happening, to scuttle it and I can't let that happen. Being in the ODS saved me from becoming an embittered, clichéd spy-out-in-the-cold footnote. Saved me from becoming what Simms has become. The best work I have ever done has been here and I don't want it to die with me."
Rick listened and though he felt the weight of the responsibility, he knew that keeping the ODS alive was something he had wanted as well and it would be something that would keep Billy alive, his legacy alive. Still, the idea of Billy dying was impossible to accept and he wouldn't until he had no choice.
"I get that. I want it to go on too, but…" Rick said.
Billy groaned with pain and Rick went over to him, but Billy waved him off.
"Michael and Casey are good men as are you and I cannot let all of you become what I could have without something to save you like being in the ODS did for me. It's that important, mate," Billy took in a breath and felt a wave of nausea coming on.
He grabbed a trashcan and vomited into it. When he looked down, he saw blood, but kept the information to himself. He took in more deep breaths until the feeling finally eased.
"We should get you back to the hospital –"
"That's not going to happen," Billy breathed tiredly. "I'm still a part of this team and I intend to keep working while I still have breath in me, now, granted, it's getting a wee bit harder to take in, but…"
Billy closed his eyes as he dragged air into his straining lungs. Rick could only look on with helplessness.
"What you can do for me is get me some water, if you would, lad. I'd rather not add dehydration to an already burgeoning list of complications."
"Sure, sure," Rick said as he left the room to get it.
Billy then pulled out his cell phone, having felt it vibrating. The screen said BLOCKED but he already knew who it was.
"What do you blood well want, Simms?" Billy said, swallowing with difficulty. "Calling to gloat, are ya? Well, I won't give you that satisfaction."
"Ah, there's brave Billy. Where's that wit now? Not enough energy to turn on that Billy Collins charm, huh?"
"Cut to the chase you bastard or I'm hanging up on ya right now."
"Just checking on you. Sounds like the poison seems to be working its magic just fine. Surprised you're still alive, really."
"Guess you underestimated the Scottish constitution, aye? If you're so curious to watch me die, then be a man about it and face me."
"Oh no, you forget who you're talking to. What do you take me for?"
"I take you for a right paranoid bastard and a stupid one at that, but that's besides the point. At least give me the satisfaction of facing my executioner. I won't tell anyone."
"Yeh, like I would trust the word of a spy."
"Yes, well, I guess you learned from the master of paranoid bastards, didn't ya? Still, is your vendetta that blinding that you can't face me? You owe me that. It wasn't always about revenge. You were part of the team-"
"Emphasis on 'were'. I wasn't the one who abandoned a team member, left him for dead for three years," Simms spat out angrily.
"No one regrets that more than we do, more than I do. We let the intell, let Higgins convince us to not look for you and we should have. We shouldn't have stopped looking for ya until we had a body to bring back. Is that what you want to hear?" Billy said true regret in his voice laced through it was pain. "Isn't that the reason why you targeted me? That my death would hurt the ODS the most? Destroy it maybe for good? You'd be doing what Higgins has been trying to do for years and you know it. Is that what you really want?"
There was silence and Billy had thought that he had lost his argument.
"Meet me at the carousel and don't bring anyone else because if I get captured, you know it won't help you. I'm not surrendering the antidote."
"I know that, Carson. Consider it one last walk down memory lane for old times sake before I get taken off the road for good."
Simms hung up and so did Billy. He straightened up as much as he could and found that with a little mental fortitude, he knew he could make it to the meet with Simms. He knew that he didn't have much time, but he had one last mission to accomplish while he was still a member of the ODS.
ChaosChaosChaos
Billy arrived at the amusement park by cab. The driver had asked him if he was okay and Billy could only nod. It was taking everything he had left in him to keep from collapsing from the pain and muscle spasms, but he knew this was one mission he had to complete.
He saw where he needed to go and smiled. It was a carousel. Every step towards it was agony and he had to brace himself against other things in the park, benches and light poles, to get there without falling. When he finally reached it, he climbed slowly onto it. Memories of his boyhood youth flooded his mind and filled his heart with warmth. He had remembered his mum taking him to someplace similar in Edinburg and how he had felt then, so content, so without worries. Her murder had driven him inexorably towards his career in the British Secret Service. Being a copper just wasn't enough. In his idealistic youth, nothing short of saving the world was enough to assuage the pain and loss that had dogged him for years after her death. Through his own foolishness, though, through an arrogance that his mum would have deeply disapproved of, had destroyed the life he had built essentially in memory of her and for months afterwards, he had tried to destroy himself with drink and reckless, careless behavior, but then something finally made him realize that he was doing a disservice to her memory and he had straightened himself out.
He shopped his skills to the CIA after his deportation and had ended up in the ODS where, ironically, Simms had taken him under his wing. Billy understood Simms's feeling of betrayal, couldn't really blame him completely, not even for poisoning him, but one thing he couldn't abide was the threat to his team, to his friends which had once included Simms, but now he was a threat and Billy had to neutralize that threat no matter what the cost to himself.
He sat down onto a bench, letting out an exhausted sigh. He knew this would be his last stand, his last gasp and he had hoped that his body would not fail him.
Simms sat next to Billy, startling him, but he composed himself quickly.
"You look awful," Simms said.
"This from the man who poisoned me. How apt?" Billy said, grunting as each twinge of pain hit him.
There was a moment of silence between them, only broken by Billy's ragged breathing.
"Martin Quimby," Simms said, almost wistful.
"My initiation into the ODS," Billy said breathy and with a smile. "My first kidnapping."
"That went horribly south," Simms finished with a smile.
"Aye and you not only had to salvage the mission, but you had to convince Michael not to drop me outright after that," Billy said as he twitched in pain. "For what it's worth, I'm grateful to ya."
"I knew you'd be good for the team. I was wrong about a lot of things, but not that," Simms said. "For what it'sworth, I'm sorry I had to make you pay for Michael's mistake."
"Me too," Billy said as he took the syringe he had kept hidden in his hand and swung and plunged it into Simms's leg, expressing the liquid quickly into him.
Simms yelled with pain as he jerked away and pulled the syringe out.
"You BASTARD!" Simms screamed.
"It takes one to know one," Billy said.
"What did you dose me with?" Simms yelled.
"I left the formulation with Rick..." Billy clenched in pain. "They have the antidote."
"You SOB! If you think-"
"Doesn't matter what I think, Carson. This wasn't about saving me. This was about saving my friends, saving the ODS. I won't let you destroy them. Either you can give them the antidote to save yourself or you can wallow in your hatred and go to your grave with it. Either way, I'm at peace that I did what I knew they couldn't do, that they're too good to do."
Billy watched Simms run away and couldn't worry about him. Simms would either head to the ODS to save his sorry life or die prideful. Either way, Billy was done. He felt that even if Simms did surrender the antidote, it would be too late to save him. Billy was okay with that and allowed himself to fade off thinking of his mum and the carousel.
He would be content to die with those memories as his last thoughts.
ChaosChaosChaos
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...
-Running up that Hill
Rick couldn't stop the song from playing in his head after coming back with water and finding Billy missing. He had found the note Billy had left for him on his desk. All it said was, in a shaky scrawl:
Gone to meet Simms.
Going to dose him, antidote in desk.
Taking phone, track GPS.
Can't save me. Save the ODS. Not the new guy anymore, remember? More than that now.
The note had been smeared with blood. Rick had gone cold after he had read the words, but then had snapped out of his shock and with blind determination and focus, ran to find Michael and Casey, got Billy's coordinates from the GPS on his phone and they went after him. It had been only minutes, but it had felt like hours, days, too long and too late.
They found him slumped in a carousel chair, ashen, a blood trickle at the corner of his mouth, his breathing barely audible other than a faint wheeze.
An ambulance had been called ahead and had arrived a few minutes after they had, by then, the remaining three members of the four member team called the ODS had lifted their friend, their fourth member, out of the chair and had laid him on a grassy patch just yards away from the carousel. Billy moaned with a throaty wetness, but didn't regain consciousness scaring the men.
And all Rick could hear in his head other than the throbbing pulse of blood pounding in his head and ears were the song's words:
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places.
He knew that in their own way, Michael and Casey were hearing their own version of that song in their heads as well. They all had wished they could trade places with Billy because they had believed that of all of them, he least deserved to be suffering as he was.
Michael had then gotten a call from Faye while Billy got placed onto a gurney and wheeled into the ambulance bus. The news he was hearing etched rage on his normally calm, handsome features. Rick and Casey didn't have to hear anything to know what the news was.
"Get him into interrogation. What?" Michael said his voice strained with anger. "He's going to feel a lot worse when I'm done with him."
ChaosChaosChaos
Rick went with Billy in the ambulance while Casey and Michael rushed back to headquarters to wrench the antidote from Simms. Michael had told them what they had already known. Simms had arrived, sweaty, suffering from cramps and throwing up. Rick then reminded them that Billy had dosed him and that the antidote was in Billy's desk.
Rick sat next to Billy in the ambulance bus, unable to look away, afraid that if he did, Billy would slip away without him noticing. As he watched, Billy's eyes began to flutter open and he managed a smile. He weakly tried to remove the oxygen mask, but Rick stopped him.
"Relax, Billy, we're on our way to the hospital. You're going to be okay. Just rest."
Billy shook his head and still pulled the mask off.
"S…Simms?"
"At headquarters in interrogation. Michael is on his way there now. I almost pity Simms," Rick smiled a little then became serious. "He'll get the antidote from him so don't you die on us. Hang on, you hear me?"
Billy shook his head.
"Not…sure…I…I have it…in me, lad," Billy arched back in pain, shuddered and coughed.
"Well, I know you do so don't make a liar out of me," Rick said his voice hitching in his throat as he swallowed the emotion back, remembering when the tables had been turned and Billy was offering comfort to him when he had thought he was dying. "I wish I could do more for you."
Billy smiled again. Like marveling about Billy's threshold for pain, Rick wondered how Billy could find a way to smile through it.
"You don't realize…how much…you have…already done, Rick…"
"Billy, you have to rest –"
"N…No, have to…say this…When…Simms was captured, dead, we thought…it nearly killed the ODS…killed me…I…I was the new…guy…once…he helped me…belong…were friends…but not anymore…he's not the…same…man."
Billy struggled to breathe. Rick tried to say something, but Billy cut him off.
"When you joined…the team, yes…we were right bastards…d…defense…mechanism…you…know? But…you…saved us…s…saved me…"
Rick looked shocked, couldn't comprehend what Billy was telling him.
"N…No, I-"
"Gave me…purpose again…grateful for that…would never betray you like Simms…"
Billy then closed his eyes, exhaustion hitting him.
Rick could only stare at Billy in amazement. He didn't know what to say. Out of everyone, Billy had been the one to reward, to teach, to support him. It didn't mean Michael and Casey didn't contribute, but Casey only knew berating, even if was meant with the best of intentions. Michael was generally distant, unable to become intimate, but no less a leader and had never commanded what he didn't believe he could do or support himself.
Billy, though, he had always been present, available, and accessible. Especially when Rick had needed those things the most.
Even though he knew Billy couldn't hear him, Rick said, "I know you wouldn't betray me like Simms did to you and I promise you I never will either."
ChaosChaosChaos
Back at CIA headquarters, Michael and Casey were in the interrogation room with Simms. He was pale, in pain with cramps and vomiting into a waste paper basket. They had to conceal their satisfaction at Billy's tactics.
"What brings you crawling back?" Michael asked.
"You know why. Billy dosed me with something."
"Better him than if I had gotten my hands on you. You'd be suffering more than what you're going through now," Casey threatened calmly.
Michael smiled, but it faded.
"If you don't give me the antidote to the poison you gave Billy, you better hope that Casey gets to you before I do," Michael said venomously.
Simms looked at both men and had never expected to be facing them again. They had been a team once and now all he saw in their eyes was hatred and that he was just another enemy combatant to them now.
"And why –"
"Because you're dying, just like Billy is and believe me, he's facing it better than you are," Michael said, his voice cracking slightly, struggling to contain his emotions. "Billy told us what he dosed you with so if you want to live, you better give me the antidote. If you don't and Billy dies, so do you."
Simms stared in disbelief.
"You wouldn't do that. You can't do that! We used to be -"
"Yeh, we used to be a lot of things, but you threw that all away when you poisoned Billy," Michael said menacingly though there was regret there too. "Hell, you sold your soul in that prison and make no mistake, I blame only myself for what that did to you, but it doesn't give you the right to turn on someone who was your friend. Someone who above all of us would have gone through anything to get you back, but who I stopped. Targeting him to prove your point was your first and I promise you, your last mistake. Now, tell me where that antidote is."
Simms just stared at Michael, absorbing all he had said, seeing the raw resentment on his face and realization began to dawn.
Michael finally couldn't hold back the fury that he had been controlling for Billy's sake. He grabbed Simms and pulled him to his feet and slammed him into the wall of the interrogation room. Casey looked on with an imperceptible smile curling at the corners of his mouth, a touch of pride in the expression.
"STOP TOYING WITH US!" Michael yelled as he gripped Simms's jacket collar and stared him down, the stench of vomit and fear reeking from his body not even registering.
Simms saw the anger in the eyes of someone who used to be his boss, his leader, maybe even his friend at one time and saw no compassion there, only revenge, maybe the same kind of revenge he felt, but he knew better. Michael's had far exceeded his. One of his own was dying and now he understood that maybe he had been wrong all along, that when he had disappeared, Michael had blamed himself, had tried to get to him, but couldn't. His expression softened.
"You got a pen?"
Michael let Carson go then tossed a pad and pen at him. He scrawled something on it then gave it back to Michael.
Michael looked at it.
"It's a storage facility. The combination is there. Better hurry because Billy doesn't have much longer."
Michael and Casey started walking towards the door.
"HEY! You can't leave me here! Now, I get the antidote for whatever Billy gave me!"
Michael turned then smiled.
"He dosed you with food poisoning, uncomfortable, but not fatal. You see, he's a better man than us. He's not a cold-blooded killer and for some reason he feels he owes you for what you did for him when he first got to the ODS. Even poisoning him, he doesn't hold a grudge. I, for one, think he gives you too much credit, but I'm a paranoid bastard. Make no mistake though, Carson, I'm not as charitable as Billy. If he dies, you better have a food taster at the Federal Pen," Michael said with disdain.
Michael and Casey then walked out to leave Carson to continue puking away.
"Come on, we have to get that antidote!" Michael said.
"Right behind you," Casey acknowledged.
ChaosChaosChaos
By the time Michael and Casey had arrived with the antidote, Billy had been put on a respirator because he wasn't breathing well, but his heart rate was still strong so that gave the doctors hope that there was still a chance that Billy would take to the antidote and recover.
They found Rick sitting in a waiting room chair, dazed. Michael went over to him in the hopes that he could help the young operative cope even though he knew that it was Billy who possessed those abilities best.
He knew that Billy and Rick had bonded, fellow "new guys" to the ODS, relating to and adjusting to people who had no capacity to be open and honest. Billy had come to the ODS more jaded, more cynical than Rick because of what had happened to him at the British Secret Service, but his desire to belong was no less enthusiastic and in many ways just as needy as Rick's. Billy had needed to feel that he was still viable as an agent after his deportation, that he had something to offer and he had more than proven that he had.
At the time, Carson had been the perfect mentor. He was jovial, committed and he and Billy had bonded. Michael and Casey weren't capable of that kind of guidance. Knowing all that had made Carson's betrayal, his choice of Billy as his target even more difficult to understand. Michael could have almost forgiven him if he had chosen him, but Billy. Simms had overstepped in ways that could never be forgiven because of that.
"The doctors said that Billy is going to be okay," Michael said.
Rick turned, his eyes red rimmed.
"I know."
"Then what's wrong?"
"He said something in the ambulance on the way here…"
"What?" Michael asked his curiosity piqued.
"He told me about him and Simms…I just don't understand how…if they were friends, why would Simms…" Rick said his voice breaking a little in frustration.
Michael nodded and patted Rick on the shoulder.
"Billy was the new guy and Carson mentored him, just like Billy does for you. The hardest part of this whole thing is that Carson wasn't the man you met. He was one of us, a part of the ODS, but sometimes being left behind, being disavowed, it changes a man. It can turn a good man into a bitter one."
"Eaten by wolves…" Rick said dreamily.
"What?"
"Billy once told me about someone who had been disavowed and his family had been told that he had been eaten by wolves. I guess you have to accept that maybe you could be left behind, that it's nothing personal."
Michael looked at Rick and saw a little disillusionment there.
"We learned something from losing Carson. It's always personal when it's someone you've worked with for years and who's a friend. We learned then not to accept anything Higgins or anyone in high command tells us, that even dead means going after the body and bringing it back if you have to. It's why we defied orders and became spies out in the cold to go get him because we weren't going to repeat the same mistake twice. I'm sorry that Carson became so alienated that he felt he had to get even, but I want you to know that Billy will never become that. He could have easily killed Carson and none of us would have blamed him. We would have protected him, but he didn't. He didn't dose Carson to kill him or to save his own life, but he knew that Carson would come back to get the antidote so that we could capture him. That would've been enough for Billy, but still, he allowed us to find him by the GPS because he knew it would be important to us, so we'd know what happened to him, so that we wouldn't feel that we left him behind. It's the kind of guy he is."
"Billy told that to me too, that he'd never betray me like Carson had him, but I already knew that."
Michael smiled.
"None of us will, Rick."
ChaosChaosChaos
The antidote began to work quickly and Billy was removed from the respirator. He was breathing easier, but was still weak.
He didn't immediately regain consciousness, but the doctors had told them that it wasn't unusual, that he could use the rest.
The men took turns in his room, making sure that when Billy woke up he wouldn't think he had been left behind or alone.
It was Rick's turn and he sat in a nearby chair reading a file. It had been one of the reports that Billy had pulled trying to glean a detail, a "tell" on Simms to help catch him. Rick thought he could learn why and how the relationship between Billy and Simms had developed.
His relationship with Billy had evolved into a fulfilling partnership, along with Casey and Michael, and he couldn't comprehend the kind of betrayal that Simms had exacted on someone Rick had considered the best among them.
"You won't find anything there, you know," said a raspy voice.
Rick was startled for a second then looked up from the file to see Billy awake.
"Hey! How are you feeling?" Rick said as he got up from his chair and walked towards the bed.
"Like I've been on a weekend bender and believe me, I know what that feels like."
Rick smiled.
"You're going to be okay," Rick said his voice cracking with emotion.
Billy nodded tiredly.
"Thanks," Billy said.
"For what?"
"For saving my life."
"I didn't...we just -" Rick stuttered.
Billy enjoyed watching Rick struggle with humility. It was refreshing.
"It's all right, Rick. You did by never giving up on me, all of you. I'm lucky to have mates like you."
"Billy, what I meant to say was that we didn't save you," He paused as he swallowed back his emotion. "You saved us."
Billy took in a deep, cleasening breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he smiled then nodded.
"What say we call it even then, aye?"
Rick smiled. A relief overwhelmed him and he felt the tension leave his body.
"Is Simms in custody?"
"Yeh, he is. Thanks to you," Rick said with a smile.
"Is he still sick as a dog?" Billy asked, a hint of a small smile crept onto his face.
"Yeh. They're keeping him hydrated."
"Good," Billy said his voice a mix of satisfaction and regret.
Billy spied the file lying on the chair Rick had been sitting in.
"You looking to find something in there?" Billy asked pointing to the file with the jerk of his head.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry I-" Rick said embarrased.
"It's all right, lad, but the answers you're seeking to find aren't in that file or in any of the others as a matter of fact."
"I'm not -"
"I wondered too, you know, about why Simms would do this to me. I wanted to understand it, yeh? Thought if I found something that I had missed back then that I could use it to rationalize that he was always this vindictive, that I had just simply missed it. I tried to find answers in those files, hoping I'd find the explanation there, but there wasn't one, I'm afraid. It comes down to one simple fact. People change and I can't really blame Simms for breaking. He was a prisoner for three years, thinking that his government, more importantly, that his friends had abandoned him. Stronger men have broken for less," Billy said sadly. "I'm at peace with it now. It's all in the past and I try not to ruminate on things I can't change. Only mission objective I had was to prevent Simms from turning his rage towards the rest of you."
Billy noticed Rick's eyes welling and gave him a puzzled look.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
"It's really stupid, but I wasn't reading the files to find out what went wrong with Simms. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't care about that."
"What then?" Billy asked gently.
Rick looked at Billy's face.
"I…wanted to understand how –"
"I could forgive him?"
"Well, yeh, or why you didn't kill him with a real poison, not just food poisoning, I mean, no one would have blamed you, maybe would have thought you had a right to do it."
"I'd know that it would be the wrong thing to do."
"It would have crossed my mind," Rick said a bit uncertainly.
"I seriously doubt that, lad. You're not that kind of man. Casey, indubitably, wouldn't have given it moment's thought. Michael, too, but it would have eaten away at his conscience. He's not the right bastard he likes to think he is. He'd never be the same. As for me, killing Simms would serve no purpose other than for me to get away with murder, after all, I'd have nothing to lose, right? Ah, but I would have, something more important than my life, the respect of my fellow operatives and friends. And in the end doing that wouldn't have changed my fate and though having him dead would have saved you all just the same, it would have left you remembering me in a way that I'd rather not be remembered by. Revenge is never the answer. I know that from bitter past experience and I'd have been no better than Simms then."
Rick nodded in admiration for Billy's forgiving nature.
"Besides, I'm a lover not a killer."
Billy smiled tiredly extending his arms out, pointing to himself with his hands for emphasis and Rick couldn't help, but smile back, still, Billy noticed that there was something more on Rick's mind.
"Something else bothering you there, mate?"
"I know you said that you don't blame Simms for breaking, for becoming embittered, but I still wonder if even a 'dollop of praise' is enough to keep what happened to Simms and to Corwin for that matter from happening –"
"To you?"
Rick nodded. Billy realized that the recent events had shaken Rick more than he had expected.
"I'm surprised at you, Operative Martinez, that you don't know yourself as well as I know ya," Billy teased but sympathetically. "The fact that you are even questioning yourself tells me that what befell Simms and Corwin will never befall you."
"How can you be so sure?"
"There are very few things in this life that one can be truly certain of, but of you, I am 100% certain because you care. You can't help yourself, Rick. I'm convinced it's in your genetic make up. You care about your country, the assets we procure and rescue, you care about our fetching Deputy Director," Billy said with a wink. "You care about the team. You're only moderately risk adverse, which I have to tell you is reassuring because we need a level head in the ODS. More importantly you don't care about getting credit. If you weren't sure before, you should already know that by now and had left, joined the DEA or something. Now, THERE'S where you'll get all the credit a man could ever want."
Rick nodded and smiled.
"Listen, you have to let what happened to me, what happened to Simms, stay with us. None of what happened applies to you. Don't shortchange yourself by trying to compare yourself, let alone emulate me, Simms, Michael or Casey. You are your own man, Rick. It's what makes you better than the rest of us."
Rick didn't believe the last statement, but was proud that a man whom he had thought was the better man among them had told him that he was.
"Thanks. I guess I just needed to hear that."
"Well, then consider it said."
They heard the door open and Michael and Casey entered. Both had expressions showing relief on their faces at the sight of their friend, alive if not completely recovered yet. Michael had a broad smile on his face and Casey, well, at least he didn't have a scowl on his face.
"How are you feeling?" Michael asked.
"Getting better by the hour."
"Good…good," Michael said softly.
Platitudes weren't Michael's style, but Billy didn't need them to know how close to madness Michael had come. It was good enough to know how hard Michael had tried, what he had been willing to sacrifice to save him.
"Okay, I'm only going to say this once, but I'm glad you're not dead," Casey said, his human weapon mask tightly on his face.
"A seminal admission. Dare I check to see if Hell has frozen over?"
Casey gave him a look of dismay, but it faded quickly. Billy knew that Casey was applying his iron will keeping his emotions clamped down tight and he had respected that privacy. He knew that Casey cared and that was enough.
Rick and Michael could only continue smiling.
Billy relaxed into his hospital bed, feeling the long battle fighting back exhaustion pushing its will onto him and for the first time, he felt he could let it overcome him without wondering what he would leave behind in the wake of his death. He didn't fear death, just what his death would leave behind. He couldn't regret what had happened because it had solidified the bonds between them all, not just the ones towards Rick. He wasn't the "new guy" anymore and for Billy, that, too, was a relief. The constrained suspicion had been grueling at best and Billy had been waiting for Michael and Casey to catch up to him. He had already made his assessment of Rick and he had been proven right with every mission.
Simms's disappearance then reappearance had disrupted their cohesion as a team and each time in negative ways. Billy would always be thankful for what Simms had given him, acceptance, much in the same quick fashion that Billy had assessed Rick, but like Rick, Billy was his own man, he was no more like Simms than Rick was no more like him and Billy was glad of that. Rick had brought a fresh perspective that Billy really hadn't. Billy's contribution was his trust. He might have played along with Michael and Casey with the "tests" they had inflicted onto Rick, but in the end, he had given his trust on day one and had given Rick the slack needed to either return that trust or not. He hadn't been wrong to give it, anymore than he had been wrong when he had given Simms that trust. The break in that trust was painful, but not unforgiveable given what Simms had gone through and perhaps that was Billy's other talent to the team. He would forgive them anything. Just as he knew they would do the same for him. Reciprocity was everything in the ODS and now Billy finally felt that they had that again.
He closed his eyes and let the weariness take him over, trusting that when he awoke, his friends would be there.
FIN. Hope you enjoyed reading. Thanks for reading and sticking with it.