Hellfire
Author's note: ShadowSaiyan316 requested that I consider a story involving Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze) and Illyana. Never really been a fan of Ghost Rider, but the Ghost Rider character does present interesting interactions possibilities with Illyana and the X-Men. To my knowledge Illyana and Ghost Rider have never met.
This is an Illyana 3.0 story that takes place while Kurt and Illyana are in Mexico, as mentioned in Extraordinary X-Men 8, page 1. I've been trying to come up with a Kurt/Illyana story so this is kind of Twofer.
All of my information about Ghost Rider has come from Wikipedia (as again I'm not a fan) where I found that the current writers have given Johnny a half Hispanic brother (gee who knew). I figure Robbie speaks Spanslish a bunch (English and Spanish mixed together).
This is both an action and humor story.
This story is dedicated to ShadowSaiyan316 as it was his request that sparked this. I let him review a prelim copy and he thought that: It sounded like a business retreat from hell. Two Spirits of Vengeance, a hell lord, a car and a weekend with free time to kill. In short it has all the makings of a buddy movie.
Which I guess it kind of is... Well enjoy. As always comments are greatly desired.
Part 1: Another fine mess that you've gotten me into (part 1)
The sky was a bright burnt orange with no sun and the land was a dust filled undulating rocky desert. The hot air was flavored with the dry tang of dust, burnt diesel, and old death. Distant craggy peaks could be seen in the far distance. A winding white road, with many sharp turns, was etched into the landscape like an old jagged scar. Upon that road a black Dodge Charger fled at high speed, being pursued by a pack of riders. The car was enveloped in red and orange flames and had two occupants.
The driver was one known as Robbie Reyes, a male half Hispanic teenager and somewhat disputed recent Ghost rider; he was supposedly not a true Spirit of Vengeance (likely a union dues thing, Johnny was somewhat vague on the specifics when the topic came up). Robbie currently had a flaming helmet-like head and was dressed in black car racing leathers with spikes and chains as he was in his Ghost Rider incarnation.
The passenger, riding shotgun both figuratively and literally, was Johnny Blaze; the real Ghost Rider if you bought into all the bullshit that Johnny liked to sell (Robbie was a skeptical buyer, he'd bought into Amway's spiel once and things had not gone well). Johnny was also Robbie's half brother via their common sperm donor of a father (gee thanks Dad, any other unknown siblings you'd like to tell me about?). Johnny was likewise in his Ghost rider incarnation of black motorcycle leathers, chains, and a flaming skull head.
Currently Johnny was leaning out the passenger window, facing backwards, and was firing hellfire blasts from his shotgun at the pursuing foe (the foe being a pack of demons wearing cowboy hats and mounted on demonic Velociraptor like creatures).
"Any more bright ideas Bro!'" Screamed Robbie as he fought the steering wheel; the ride was beyond rough being that the road was made from compacted bones and skulls (which makes for great slow motion roster tails of debris as the car spun around corners) "You total gringo idiota"!
Robbie continued his screaming complaints. "Great idea Bro'! Let's go to Mexico City for the week and checkout the Day of the Dead little brother! Kick back and have some Tecates and chase coño"! Eighteen being the legal drinking age in Mexico, not that anybody cared much about such things if you were a Ghost Rider.
"How the FUCK was I to know"?! Screamed Johnny back as he continued to fire at the pursuing demons. "I thought she was just a demon"!
"Aren't you supposed to know this kind of crap?! You're the one always name dropping"!
"Cut me some slack! I don't remember reading about her in the Who's Who of Hell (There actually is such a book). Oh SHIT! Left! Jerk Left! Left for the love of...'!
Robbie jerked the steering wheel left, the empty road was quite wide, sufficient for two lanes of traffic in each direction.
A roaring fireball descended upon the road right where the car would have been, the resulting explosion blasting a crater and sending up a fountain of dirt and bones. A burning skull broke though the right hand rear passenger window and rattled about after bouncing off of the back of Robbie helmet.
The stereo then turned itself on and thundered (man that car had some major subwoofers and the volume knob did go to eleven), after all car chase scenes are supposed to have a soundtrack. One Way Or Another by Blondie & The Undertones began to play at... oh 120 decibels or so.
One way or another I'm gonna find you
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you
One way or another I'm gonna win you
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you
One way or another I'm gonna see you
I'm gonna meet you, meet you, meet you, meet you
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meet you, I'm gonna meet you, I'll meet you
I will drive past your house
And if the lights are all down
I'll see who's around
...
...
Robbie briefly fiddled with the stereo but nothing changed, he gave up as he had more pressing concerns.
Robbie continued to angrily shout while spinning the car around yet another dead man's turn. "Be cool you said! We got this you said! It'll be easy you said! Follow my lead you said! Well... we're in Hell you stupid hijo de puta! HELL! My la mamá de is going to kill me if she ever finds out"!
Jonny pulled himself back into the car. "I think the highway patrol is going to kill us first! Can't you make this thing go any faster?! And how the hell to you turn this stereo off'"!
Robbie calmly informed Johnny of the road conditions. Ok, not so calmly, he screamed even louder "The Fing road is made out of bone man! Bones! Who the hell makes a road out of bones?! And no the stereo won't turn off! I think that coño caliente that you've found us is doing it"!
Johnny shouted back (the road noise was truly appalling and so was the car's vibration). "Hell does! Be glad it's not lava! Every try braking on Lave?! You hydroplane all over the place"!
Robbie screamed a rather important question. "And why are we still here Bro'!? I thought you could travel the planes! Well... get our asnos muertos out of here"!
"Bitch is blocking us somehow! I can't"!
"Mierda! Mierda! Mierda!. We are so Fing dead"!
"We already died you dumb shit! Shut-up and drive! I'll think of something"!
Robbie was less then hopeful as to Johnny's problem solving skills. "Like setting her on fire!? That worked out great! Punish her for her sins! Here little brother, let me show you how it's done! Fantastic job there Bro'! And you just had to pick the hottest Chicka around! Why can't it ever be a fat old waitress"?!
"Shut-up"!
"You Shut-up. What... what's that up ahead"?
Both of them intently stared at something in the distance. Then they both uttered girlyman screams (just like little girls on a rollercoaster for the first time).
Yep, the Ghost riders were speeding down a highway in hell, being pursed by the law like a bad Dukes of Hazard remake being shot on location in Death Valley.
But it wasn't hell. It was...
Limbo.
Not that our dynamic duo knew that. Well... at least not yet.
The car sped on to it's next encounter, accompanied by the screams of the occupants, the riders behind them (well a few less riders now, that shotgun was rather effective), the skull that kept rattling about in the back, and the stereo thundering out the last of the song.
...
One way or another I'm gonna see you
I'm gonna meet you, meet you, meet you, meet you
One way or another I'm gonna win you
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you
(I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight)
One way or another I'm gonna see you
(I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight)
I'm gonna meet you, meet you, meet you, meet you
(I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight)
One way or another I'm gonna win you
...
...
Somebody was having fun, but it wasn't them.