Total Smut Biscuit – Volume 1

Note: These character are property of CC (boo) and 1013 Productions (Can we make that 666?). They are not mine, just borrowing for TOTAL SMUT! (YEAH!) No money made here. If you want to pay-I'm listening-I got a mortgage too.

The Dating Site

Chapter 1 – Good Try

"Who is he, Scully?"

Special Agent Dana Scully just walked into the door to their basement office—right into an irate Special Agent Fox Mulder. "He?" She asked innocently.

"The man I saw you with last night." Mulder was perched on the side of desk with his arms crossed and staring her down. He was trying to be imposing.

"I'm not sure what business it is of yours or how you even know about it. Have you been following me?" She tried to get to her desk, but Mulder cut her off and stood over her in an effort intimidate with his height.

"If you won't tell me, I'll find out on my own."

Scully threw down her coat and stared at him. "Stay out of it, Mulder. I finally have a personal life and I don't need you scaring him off."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"That's IT!" Scully screamed, grabbed her coat and headed for the door. "I'm taking a personal day, Mulder. Goodbye." She slammed the door behind her.

Scully was livid. The one time she had tried to date years ago, Mulder scared him off so she decided to keep Jared a secret, but he found out anyway. After that one night when they had celebrated the end to a long case, he has been acting erratically.

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They had a nice dinner that night, a few drinks, Mulder convinced her to dance with him and…things got steamy on the dance floor. She could still remember how his gorgeous hazel eyes dilated as they moved to the beat and the sizable bulge that pressed into her stomach by the end of the song.

It wasn't that she was immune to his charms, but Mulder was a dangerous man to get involved with—even if he wasn't her partner. FBI regulations about fraternization or not, sleeping with him would be a mistake and Scully came to that conclusion with regret. She was curious what it would be like to have all that intense dark energy focused on her and what it would feel like to have that impressive bulge stuffed deep inside. The lips that can disassemble a sunflower seed in minutes could do wonders on some neglected personal areas and those large hands… *Wow*

Scully shook herself. She took a wrong turn in her thoughts and had to put them in a lockbox and throw away the key. This is why she started dating after 5 years of celibacy. Mulder had opened a door and she couldn't close it. Many nights she spent pleasuring herself, trying not to think of *him* to no avail. She needed a man—so she found one. His name was Jared.

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Jared Spencer was almost perfect. A fellow doctor, never married, tall, blond and handsome. They met online and their first date went flawlessly. Naturally, Scully didn't mention the X-Files or some of the strange cases—it would have scared him off.

The day after that first date, Jared sent yellow roses to the Hoover building. Big mistake. Mulder always got there early and had read the note before she walked in the door.

"Who's Jared?"

The words slapped her in the face before she hung up her coat. She looked over at the flowers on her desk and smiled. She saw Mulder start to frown. "He's a friend." Not anticipating his reaction, she went over and smelled them. "Where's the card?" Mulder handed it to her and she stared at him. "Why did you read it? That was private."

"I wanted to know who sent them. I didn't think you would tell me."

"At seeing your behavior this morning, you would have been right." She angrily booted up her computer. Waiting for the hard drive to stop spinning, she leaned to a drawer to get some reports and when she sat up, her partner was inches from her face.

"Did you have a nice date? Roses like that meant he didn't get kicked out halfway through the night—right?"

Scully was shocked. "Mulder! This is certainly none of your business! You have never meddled in my private life before. Why the change?"

Her partner looked pained. "No, I guess nothing *has* changed."

Mulder stalked back to his desk, pulled out some files and started to work. He didn't speak to her for the rest of the day. Not even when Jared called her cell and Scully went into the hallway to take it, Mulder didn't comment. At five o'clock, he picked up his trench coat and walked out the door without a backward glance at her.

Scully was confused about Mulder's behavior, but figured he would get over it. Having a sullen, Mulder paled in comparison to the next day when Jared called to cancel their date and all future ones, she was floored. They got along so well! What could have happened to abruptly change his mind? Jared said it was him and not her, but after being so long out of the dating pool, she didn't believe it. It depressed her.

Mulder didn't say anything for a few hours the next day, but looked up when she summarily threw the wilting yellow roses in the trash.

"I assume that Jared is a bust?"

He didn't look smug, but it sounded like it. "Yes. I guess we weren't as compatible as I first thought." Scully waited for Mulder to express his condolences and was met with stony silence. He even said he was sorry when her dog Queequeg was eaten by a crocodile and he hated the mutt.

In true Scully fashion, she ignored her partner's boorish behavior, bucked up and went to try again. Those dating sites have good and bad points. One good point is she found men like Jared (even if it didn't work out), and the bad points were meeting some of the absolute scum of the earth. Those walking hormones would fuck you through the screen if they could. They wouldn't care if you were one-eyed and a hunchback, if they could stick it—you are the right girl for them.

It was a week later when she met Raymond on the same dating site. They chatted for a few days, talked on the phone and Scully felt comfortable enough to agree to meet him, setting a date for Friday. He canceled by instant message. How tacky.

After Raymond, she got no more takers on her dating page—not even from the creepos. Something was going on here. Scully decided to log out of the site, then go back in as a guest. There was a flag on her account. She clicked on the message and it said she was a stalker and potentially armed and dangerous. What the hell?! That would explain Raymond and why she received no more messages when she was getting over 20 a day. Someone was sabotaging her.

Pissed and needing a glass of wine, Scully went to the store and ran into—guess who? Jared. She went up to him and he immediately looked nervously around. "Hi Jared. How have you been?"

The man looked like he was going to shit his pants. "I'm fine, Dana. Look—I don't want to get your boyfriend mad. I'm just going to leave—ok?"

Scully was confused again. "I don't have a boyfriend, Jared. That's why I went out with you."

"The guy who called said you did." He scanned the store. "He said that if I didn't stop seeing you, he was going to break my hands! My hands, Dana—I'm a doctor! He sounded like he was serious and also said if I mentioned him that he would make sure I drank soup from a straw for a month." Jared put down his hand basket. "It was nice seeing you, but I'm late for…something. Bye, Dana." The man practically ran for the door.

Boyfriend—eh? Scully wasn't a crack FBI agent for nothing. It all added up. Ok, if *he* wanted to play—she will play.