Rating: M

Warnings: Slash, HPSS (be patient!)

Summary: There are certain things in this world you can't change. Who you are in the eyes of other people, that is one thing that you can. slash HPSS post-HBP not totally HBP compliant

A/N: Ok, i am back for another go!! please review everyone, a story needs readers and its author thrives on reviews!!!

and a dead author just sucks writing fics. or so i hear. :)

Harry Potter

The spring before I turned eleven, when I was still unaware of my magical origin, I still attended the same public school as Dudley. I remember how I used to pay attention in those classes like my life depended on it. And well, at that time, my life did depend on it; I though my only ticket out of the hell-hole that was my life was through college. And how the hell was I supposed to get accepted to a university if I was flunking out of middle school?

So I busted my arse a bit and pulled through most of my classes with A's. Geography, History, Literature… I had it all down to a science. Every subject was just another piece of information I would swallow up and spit back out in my test answers. I was a model student. The only drawbacks, of course, were the beatings I took from Dudley and his friends almost daily, and my extremely low self-esteem.

I was a scrawny nerd with no friends, the picture perfect loser. And then, wouldn't you know it, I make a wish and POOF! I'm a wizard! It's almost like a fairy tale.

During that spring semester, my English teacher taught us a lesson that has changed my view of life in general. We were learning about the difference between "fact" and "opinion".

"An opinion," my teacher said, "is something that you believe to be true, and a fact is something that is true whether or not you believe it."

After that day, I started thinking about situations and putting things into perspective. For example, that day that I met Hagrid, this is what was going through my head.

Fact: Hagrid is the Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Opinion: That's the longest effing title I've ever heard.

The truth is that my entire life has been based on this system of Fact and Opinion; I've lived my life around the things that I want to happen and the fate that awaits me- the things that are eternal and the things that change so quickly that before you get a chance to enjoy them, they turn around and morph into something unrecognizable; the ever-fixed marks and the schizophrenic blots of emotion that smudge the canvas of my life.

My entire life has been based on one fact: I have a mission to save the world from evil. My opinion about the whole situation is that the world is too consumed by that evil to ever be saved. Even if I kill Voldemort, there will always be another form of terror waiting in the wings to follow in his footsteps and complete what he couldn't.

Fact: I am Harry Potter

Opinion: It sucks to be me.

HPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSSHPSS

In my fifth year of Hogwarts, a change in me occurred. Though not entirely unexpected, it did come as quite a shock at first. The betrayal that I had lived through, the madness, the destruction, the pain, it all seemed to collect itself into this one area of my heart and pulsated with a vengeance, to the point where the would be times that my heart would ache so furiously, it would shut my brain off to what was right and I would so something incredibly stupid.

I started taking Occlumency lessons with Professor Snape to protect myself from the mind-invasions that the Dark Lord was ambushing me with most nights. The fear of Voldemort penetrating my thoughts started a hot sweat enough for me to risk the extra time I would need to spend in those cold dungeons.

It wasn't until after the first few lessons that I really understood the meaning of the phrase, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." I was terrified of not being capable of the challenges Occlumency would pose for me. I didn't want to feel incompetent, and I was sick of making a fool of myself in front of Snape time and time again. I would prove to him that I was not just my father's son, not just the hot-heated Boy-Who-Just-Wouldn't-Fucking-Die; I was Harry Potter, and that was all.

I wasn't supposed to be particularly brave or spectacular. The fact that the fate of the entire world, magical and not, rested on my shoulders wasn't a reason for his torment; it was an excuse, and I was sick of it. I would show that Potions Master with a poll up his ass that I could do anything I put my mind to. I would try my hardest to be good enough. I would not fail. But I don't think a bit of Remus's chocolate would've done any harm before those lessons.

The first time that I noticed the change in myself was during an especially taxing session about halfway through my fifth year. Snape was probing my mind without mercy, and I was losing energy faster than you could say, "Legilimens!" The pulsing ache in my heart rose to a level of no return, and I was lost to its power. In other words, I was screwed.

I gripped my wand with a sweaty, shaking hand, and turned to face my Professor once more.

"LEGILIMENS!" he shouted, and I did the only thing I could think of without collapsing.

"PROTEGO!" I screamed, and focused all of my energy into repelling his curse. I knew as soon as the words left my mouth that it was a stupid decision, and when his own memories started moving through my brain, I realized how much trouble I was in for.

As it turns out, Occlumency lessons weren't the greatest idea for me or Professor Snape, and so we stopped them. In my sixth year, we both feared that we might have to start them again, and the fear was a valid one. Dumbledore insisted that I should continue what he called my "training" if I wanted to defeat the Dark Lord. Of course I wanted to kill the bastard! But I didn't really want to spend meaningless time with my other arch-nemesis either. I tried not to think about what I had seen in his Pensieve… the torture that my father and Sirius put him through, the shame it must have brought upon him. I was plagued by the notion that Snape hated me because of my father; that when he looked at me, all he saw was James Potter's son. I was just a shell, an echo of my father, and I couldn't rid myself of that reputation.

Fact: Severus Snape hated my father

Opinion: He had every right to.

The more time I spent with him, though, the more I discovered how great a man Severus Snape really was. He had had, possibly, the most difficult life imaginable. After a few sessions, I was able to look into his mind without using the 'protego' spell, and I discovered a few things. One, his father was abusive, angry and drunk practically always. His mother was a genius and, though she loved her son, she hated her husband more and left them both when Snape was 10. Later, her own husband tracked her down and killed her. Even magic couldn't save her from his torture. Oh, and she left her wand at home in her hurry to escape him.

I know that it's wrong to like a person out of pity, but mid-way through my sixth year, my feelings towards the man began to change. He wasn't that bad, if you got to know him. The problem was that he guarded his emotions so well, he seemed angry all the time, and this just repelled anyone who might've wanted to. Severus Snape was like a jigsaw puzzle. At first glance, nothing about him makes sense. But then, when you begin to painstakingly take the time to put the pieces together, you'll find you've discovered a beautiful picture and everything you've doubted will fit.

And then he murdered Albus Dumbledore.

There's always this part of me that tries to find the best in people, no matter what the situation. Usually, my irrational emotions win out, though, and I judge people only on what I see. What I saw that night was an angry murderer, filled with hate, determined to set a score. Perhaps if I would've known the whole story, I might have seen, too, the fear in said man's eyes, the regret. Maybe I would have realized that the hatred Severus showed was not towards Albus Dumbledore, but towards the task that he had commanded Snape to do.

Nevertheless, I was basically clueless. The only information that I had was useless, because nothing fit together. Malfoy was assigned a task by Lord Voldemort to kill Dumbledore. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't. I saw, with my own eyes, how close Draco was to lowering his wand and surrendering to the light before the other Death Eaters arrived on the roof of the Astronomy Tower. I saw how close we were to victory. I stood helplessly by as the man who I was just beginning to think might actually be trustworthy kill my mentor in cold blood. I saw everything, and yet, I was so blind to it all. Nothing is what is seems.

Fact: Severus Snape killed Albus Dumbledore

Opinion: He wanted to.

That's chapter one :) i know a bit of a cliffy and not too exciting yet but dont worry- the drama is coming!!! review!!!