22:24 23/07/99 Not another Spamfic!!
TITLE: Electric Spam
AUTHOR: Bee Slayer
SPOILERS: none
KEYWORDS: UST, Spamfic, Humor(ish)
SUMMARY: Mulder has a story to tell...
DISCLAIMER: They're all mine.
MY CRAP: It's gonna be a UST, I'm determined. Sorry bout the sudden Spam thing, but I couldn't resist doing this. I'll explain at the end, cos otherwise it'll spoil it. And this is a serious spamfic. There's a moral to this story...
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Mulder leaned back in his uncomfortable set and looked at Scully, an expression of boredom on his face.
"This is going nowhere, Scully. I really don't see the point."
She glanced over at him briefly, and he could see the tiredness in her eyes. She wasn't enjoying the damn stakeout any more than he was.
"Mulder, it isn't pointless. We're here to try and catch a dangerous man."
He snorted, "Dangerous killer? Him? Yeah, and you're Hannibal Lector."
She bit back a grin, he hadn't known her back when silence of the Lambs came out, had he? She made a noise with her mouth, in a perfect, frighteningly good Hannibal Lector impression.
Mulder raised an eyebrow, "Very funny."
He turned back to the window. The scene outside was infinitely more interesting than the interior of the house that was the base of their stakeout. The only thing making it appealing was Scully, but she'd probably object to him staring at her.
A young couple wandered past the window, holding hands, totally oblivious to everything around them.
Mulder wrinkled his nose. The outside was depressing. He turned back to Scully.
"Did you ever hear about the Yellowleaf killings?" he asked, bored with the silence.
She frowned, the name wasn't familiar.
"No, I don't think I have."
Mulder smiled briefly at her, and settled down in his seat.
*storytime* she thought.
"It was back in the 50's 52 I think. It was a small town, Yellowleaf. Very small population. Quiet place, not much crime, never had to lock your doors...you know the kind of place."
She nodded, memories of Home coming back to her.
"The perfect place on the outside."
"And on the inside?" she asked.
"On the inside it was a little too perfect, y'know?"
But all was fine till the murders began. They were brutal murders too. People would be shocked today, never mind back in the 50's."
He paused for a second, "the victims were gutted, cut open from throat to abdomen," he ran his finger down Scully, starting at her throat, down between her breasts, over her stomach, indicating the path that the knife would follow.
She shivered, not sure whether it was due to the gruesomness of the story, or because of the sensation of Mulder running his fingers down her body, which was a *very* pleasant experience.
"And they were just left like that, insides...out.
Well, after the 3rd victim, the local sheriff started to get worried. But he didn't enlist the help of the FBI. You've got to understand that this town kept themselves to themselves...in more ways than one."
"Are you suggesting inbreeding, Mulder?"
He shrugged, "it was a theory. One of many, actually.
Anyway, as the number of deaths mounted up, the sheriff started to notice a pattern developing. all of the victims were female, and had just been shopping. They all had grocery bags with them. And in all cases they were just lying there, sprawled out on the ground, shopping everywhere. What the sheriff noticed though, the really odd thing-"
"something odd in one of your stories Mulder? I would never have guessed."
"Do you want me to finish of not?"
"Sorry, carry on."
"Okay. So the odd thing was that there was always something missing from the shopping. And it was always a tin of Spam."
"Spam?" asked Scully doubtingly.
"Spam. Other than that, there was no pattern to the killings, there seemed to be no motive. But then the sheriff got to thinking."
Scully smiled, Mulder really was a great storyteller. It was one of his many endearing qualities.
"What was he thinking?"
"He started wondering if maybe there wasn't a pattern there after all. And he realised that the murders all took place near bus stops. In fact, they followed the route of the number 42 bus."
"The bus driver?"
"That was his first thought. But it turned out that the driver had quit after the second victim and they'd had to get a new one. So it didn't make sense. But, the driver's reason for leaving was that he didn't like the conductor. So the sheriff decided to pay a visit to the bus conductor."
"Makes sense."
"Perfect sense. About the only thing in this case that did.
So they go and interview the conductor, Mark Kane. And they bring him into the station.
And Kane confesses to everything, giving them details that only the killer could know. He signed a confession and everything. The only thing they couldn't get out of him was the motive. He just wouldn't tell them.
Well the sheriff decided it didn't matter, and Kane was senteenced to death."
He saw the expression on Scully's face, "No, they couldn't do that. It seems that the sheriff had a strange idea about justice. They liked to take the law into their own hands.
So Kane was on death row, so to speak. They had their own electric chair, a crude model of the actual chair, with double the voltage. You'd have to be superman to survive it."
"And they got away with this?" Scully was incredulous.
"For a number of years, yes."
She looked astonished. Mulder shrugged at her and continued, "So the day of the execution arrived. The sheriff and the local priest went to Kane's cell, the priest read him his last rights, and asked if he had anything to confess to. Kane said no, that his conscience was clear now that he had confessed. Then the Sheriff asked him if he had any last requests. Kane replied yes, that he'd like a tin of Spam. Well the sheriff was confused, he thought it was very weird, but he brought him the Spam anyway.
Kane ate the Spam on his way to the chair, and was chewing the last mouthful as the straps were put on his arms. He didn't swallow the last mouthful though, which the Sheriff noticed, and added to the list of odd things about that case.
So the switch was flicked...and he survived. Just like that, he calmly swallowed his mouthful of Spam, and grinned at everybody, as calm as you like, not a hair on his head harmed.
Now no one could quite understand this, obviously the chair must be broken, right? You know that no one could survive it, right?"
Scully nodded, "it'sjust not possible, Mulder. The amount of electricity passed through one of those things...and if this was double the normal voltge? Impossible."
"Exactly. So the sheriff was worried. Becasue they had this rule in Yellowleaf, that if you survived the chair 3 times, you could go free, on the condition that you didn't go to the authorities about what had happened. So they took Kane back to his cell, and agreed to try again tomorrow. They double checked the equipment, but the sheriff couldn't get the Spam thing out of his mind. Why hadn't he swallowed that last bit of Spam? It plaugued him for that whole night.
So the next morning they were ready to try again. Again, the priest and sheriff went to Kane's cell, read him his last rights, yada yada yada. And again, Kane declared that he had nothing to confess, that he had confessed all that he had to. And the sheriff couldn't resist it, he asked *why* Kane had killed those people. But Kane didn't answer, he just kind of shrugged it off. He was asked, again, if he had any last requests. And again, he said, 'I'd like a tin of Spam, please.'
The sheriff wanted desperately to know what it was about Spam, but didn't ask. After all, the guy was probably just a psycho, so what was the point? So he got him the Spam. And again, Kane ate it on the way to the chair, and he *did not swallow* the last mouthful.
They gave it a couple of minutes, but he just wouldn't swallow, so they pulled the switch again. And he lived! Yet again, he lived through the chair!
And now they were really worried. They couldn't let such a dangerous killer loose in society to kill again. So everything was double checked, and double checked again. They tested it, frying a few cats while they were at it-"
"Mulder!"
He grinned, "Sorry."
She could see that he wasn't really sorry.
He continued, "So the next morning, the priest and the sheriff went back to Kane's cell. And again, he was read his last rights and had nothing to confess. But the sheriff was dying to know why he had killed those people. He asked him, and Kane gave the same old answer; no reason.
So yet again, the sheriff asked him for his last request, and yet again, Kane requested Spam.
'There's none left,' the sheriff told him. He didn't know why, but he was convinced that the Spam played a part in Kane's miraculous survival.
'But you can't do that. This is my last request, and I'm entitled to whatever I want. You hve to give me the Spam.'
Unfortunately, he was right. No matter how strange the request, the guy had to have his last wish.
So he gave him the Spam, but only on one condition: Kane had to eat it *before* he got to the chair. Kane shrugged, and agreed to this. He ate every last bite of it in his cell. They checked his mouth, checked that there was none of it left in, just to be on the sfe side, and allowed him out of the cell.
Everyone was very nervous, cos no one wanted this psycho to go free. But if he lived through this, they had no choice. So he was strapped in to the chair for the third time. Everything had been checked, and was in perfect working order.
And the switch was flicked.
Everyone held their breath, to see if it had worked. They had even increased the voltage."
Scully found that she was holding her breath too, he was such a damned good storyteller.
"And he opened his eyes."
"Mulder, there is no-"
"Don't tell me. I know, it's impossible. But nevertheless, he was alive. And as he was let up, the sheriff went over to him and shok his hand. He said, 'I don't want to do this, but you're free to go. I only advise that you leave town, and don't tell anyone of what happened. Good luck. But I want to know one thing.'
'what's that?'
'How did you survive? Was it the Spam? was that why you killed the women?'
'The Spam? No, I just really love Spam. It's my favourite food.'
'So how did you survive? The voltage in that chair should have killed you, but look at you, not even a singed hair!'
'I'll let you into a secret,' Kane leaned close to whisper in his ear,
'I'm just a really bad conductor.'"
Mulder leaned back, totally deadpan.
Scully couldn't believe it. She groaned loudly, "Mulder..."
He burst out laughing at the expression on her face.
"That was terrible!"
"I know, but it's funny."
She shook her head and threw a cushion at him.
"Hey! There was no need for that!"
"Mulder...all of that? That was all made up?"
He nodded smugly, "Yup. All of it. There's no such town as Yellowleaf."
"I don't believe you just told me that." At this, she started laughing as well, "Muldr,that was without a doubt the worst joke I have ever heard in my *life*!"
He smiled, "One of my teachers told me it at Oxford. I just... embellished it a little."
"And you remembered it all this time?"
He nodded, "photographic memory, Scully."
She shook her head again, she could just not get over that story, "all that, just for a cheap punchline... Mulder, you're unbelievable."
"I know. But you'll not forget that joke in a hurry, will you?"
"Mulder, I'll never be able to look at a tin of Spam again without wincing."
He shrugged, "I can't do that anyway. I've tasted it."
He glanced out of the window, seeing a car pull up, "Come on, our replacements have arrived. Home time."
Scully stood up, stretching. Mulder let his gaze run over her body, and coloured a little when he was caught.
Scully raised an eyebrow at him, "come on you, get your stuff together. I personally am looking forward to a long hot bath and a good book when I get in. That's if I can get your stupid story out of my head."
He grinned again, "Mind if I join you?"
She gave him a minor Look, and went to open the door for Agent Ford.
"Shut up, Mulder. And never, *ever* tell me a joke again."
"I promise," he answered, and followed her out of the door.
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...never listen to your teachers.
Oh dear, I apologise for that. But my biology teacher told us that story this week, and I will never forgive her for it. It wasn't quite the same, but I edited it a bit. The original involved bananas Apparently, her maths teacher told *her* the story when *she* was at school.
Take care, and don't throw yourself off a flight of stairs because of that unbelievably bad joke. Blame my bio teacher.
I was determined not to get them together in this. I just about succeeded, but had to finish it quick before I made them kiss.
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'...aimed in some way for the maximum truth in presentation of himself.' - Interview With The Vampire
'Spam the Future' - Me
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http://members.tripod.com/bee_slayer/intro.html - visit the Spam page... go on, you know you want to!