Harry Potter: the Awesome Squib (TM)!

All characters belong to JKR. All insanity in this story belongs to me, Muahaha! The chapters are quite short (about 1-2 thousand words), so the preamble take quite a few chapters before we get into action. If you read until chapter 5 and still don't like this story, stop reading.

This is almost a crack fic, with silliness here and there. Everything takes place in a parallel universe, where Harry grew up like a King (in sharp contrast to servant) with over-confidence and a talent in science and business. I model his character a bit after Tony Stark (Iron Man), Mr. Bean and Angry Bird, among others... So this story may be pure madness or pure awesomeness, depending on your taste. :)

-oOoOo-

Chapter 1

-oOoOo-

"Yer a wizard, Harry."

Harry crossed his arms, staring at Hagrid with dreary, weary green eyes. A sigh, heavy than mercury, was puffed from his mouth. "Not funny, Big Guy. Definitely not funny. Unless you're a distraction while your thief comrades are entering through the backdoor, of course."

Vernon's eyes widened and was about to leave the living room to check the backdoor, just when Harry interrupted.

"Uncle Vernon, do you think leaving us alone with this self-proclaimed half-giant is a good idea?"

Vernon froze, looking confused.

Harry made a mental note to speed up his plan to hire a second bodyguard.

"And you!" Harry addressed Hagrid. "I don't care if you have Klinefelter syndrome or something. If you want me to help cure your illness, just say so. No need to stage drama, ok?"

Rubbing her eyes lazily as if having just woken up from a dream, Petunia whispered to Dudley's ear. "What's that syndrome he's talking about?"

Dudley, who had been grinning the whole time, said quickly. "A genetic disorder. Taller than average and having feminine characteristics, like large breasts. Often infertile."

"Huh?" Petunia looked surprised, eyeing Hagrid's gigantic breasts with envy. "How did you know all that?"

Dudley pouted. "Mum, I've been Harry's lab assistant for years!"

"Oh... right."

"This is the 2,493rd time I told you that, Mum. But this is alright. I still love you." Dudley pulled Petunia in for a hug. The woman embraced her son and had tears in her eyes.

Hagrid also had tears in his eyes. "Harry, yer so mean."

Harry screamed melodramatically. "What do you mean I'm mean? I'm sure I'm at least 6 standard deviations above the mean!"

Hagrid didn't seem to have understood Harry's stats joke. He blew his nose into his dirty, wrinkled handkerchief.

Harry sighed, giving in. "Alright, alright. I will try my best to cure you. But the stage of technology we have at the moment is highly experimental. That means it is dangerous to use on humans. And we…"

"I told ya I'm not 100% human. I'm a half giant! Now stop making fun of me!" Hagrid blew his nose some more.

"I told ya I'm not a wizard. I'm just awesome at science. Now stop making fun of me!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. "So you want my help or not. If you don't, just leave! If you do, shut up and follow me!"

-oOoOo-

Albus Dumbledore rubbed his temples thrice. "Minerva, did you just fart?"

McGonagall looked outrageous. "Albus, I was about to complain! How dare you blame that on me? Your room does smell like shit!"

"Please calm down, Cat-woman." Albus said in a gentle tone. "The odour issue can wait until the urgent matter on hand is addressed. So would you like to take a seat or a lemon drop?"

McGonagall sat down begrudgingly, casting a bubble head charm on herself.

Dumbledore smiled with satisfaction, but his face turned grim when speaking. "Our school has lost You-Know-How-Big. How could I continue to do the 'size does not matter' campaign?"

McGonagall sank in her chair. "What happened to Hagrid? Didn't you send him to deliver a Hogwarts letter to Harry Potter?"

"Yes I did. What a grave mistake." Dumbledore was a little teary. "Hagrid has been, Quote Harry, restored to his rightful size, End Quote."

"WHAT on earth?"

"And Harry didn't even believe he was a wizard."

"WHAT? Hagrid could have.."

"Harry confiscated Hagrid's wand and gave him a 'better' weapon to defend himself from bullies." Dumbledore chuckled, showing her an object with Harry Potter trademark. "Harry called it a stun pen. Looks like an ordinary Muggle writing utensil, but it is actually a gun that casts Stupefy curse but better."

"Merlin, WHAT?"

"According to the manual," Dumbledore opened a booklet. "The normal mode is for unarmoured humans. The piercing mode can go through even crocodile's skin. The gas mode emits stunning gas. The light and sound modes create a blinding light and a deafening sound accordingly."

As Dumbledore closed the booklet, a sharp feminine voice growled from under Dumbledore's desk.

McGonagall's face flushed fifty shades of red. She didn't know. She didn't know Dumbledore was…!

"No I'm not bisexual, Minerva. According to J. K. Rowling, I'm exclusively into boys."

McGonagall rolled her eyes.

Dumbledore addressed the person under his desk. "You alright? ... Good."

A handsome boy emerged from Dumbledore's desk, grinning. "Yes, I am, Headmaster, but I bet she isn't."

"I toldcha, Haggie. Minnie wasn't alarmed with unknown presence in the room, even after you made noises."

Hagrid looked less stupid in his handsome boyish look, but the general sense of stupidity did not leave him.

Dumbledore chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Maybe we can... Rennervate?"

McGonagall opened her eyes drowsily. "What on earth?"

"Minerva, let me introduce you the new Hagrid."

"Headmaster, I take it the gas mode works then?" Hagrid asked with a soft, cultured young lady's voice.

"It does, Hagrid. It does. As much as the normal mode as we kindly experimented on the poor Minnie. Though the gas mode does, Quote Minera, smell like shit, End Quote."

"Hagrid," McGonagall asked with great concern. "What did Harry do to you?"

Hagrid looked thoughtful. "The procedure involved a potion he calls… Reverse Growth Hormones and some ritual magic."

"Magic? But he didn't believe he was a wizard!"

"Sorry, Ma'am. Those are not Harry's exact words. It was how I understand it."

"Do you see the implication, Minerva?" Dumbledore got up from his chair. "The Elixir of Life may be able to extend life, but this is a whole new level of discovery. It entails great danger should dark wizards hear even the slightest of it. We thus need to see Harry Potter, right away."

-oOoOo-

To be continued.