A/N: If you opened this story expecting some sort of Wizard101 parody of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you can expect to be more or less disappointed. You'll find similar themes though. You wont need to worry about me canceling this story for lack of plans.
Enjoy!
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral would like to take this time to inform you that the book you are currently reading is likely the most inaccurate source of knowledge to refer to when asking about anything. The only reliable information it can give you is that any information from it, other than that the information from it is inaccurate, is inaccurate. The reason for this is that The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral has no articles on anything except this one which might lead readers to believe nothing in the Spiral is true or exists. Things in the Spiral do very much exist (although there is some controversy over this in the philosopher community). However, since it was just written in The Guide that the Spiral exists and The Guide is the most inaccurate source of knowledge, it might now be safe to say that the Spiral does not exist.
The Guide is merely a concept at this point in it's life. The original author of it hoped that it would be the ultimate source of all knowledge for anyone anywhere. That every living being in the Spiral would have one and would refer to it immediately in any moment of doubt or uncertainty. He went off in search of a magical paper that could copy itself infinitely. Said paper was enchanted in such a way that only the original copy could be tampered with but all copies would share the same properties. The author set off on an epic quest in the ruins of Krockotopia to find this item and died trying. Ghosts of the krock rulers attacked him for what they deemed as an infringement of copyright laws. Before he perished, another traveler stopped by to tell the author and the ghosts that such a paper had long since been heard of and plenty of adept crafters in Wysteria knew how to make such a paper. It is theorized that the author's last few words were, "see? This is exactly the type of issue my guide would be able to prevent!"
Brooke Wishsong put the book on the table. After reading the only chapter in it she noticed that all the other pages in it were just copies of the exact same page. The book was magical and would always take you to the chapter you wanted by merely opening it, but since that was the only chapter that was the only thing the book could show you. The librarian, Harold, picked it up after.
"So now do you see the problem?" He asked.
"You mean how there's no information save for how there's no information and a brief description of the book's history?"
"Yes," confirmed Harold, "although it's worth mentioning that the story of the original author is also incorrect, if The Guide is to be believed. It does say that the only reliable information in it is that all other information in it is inaccurate.¨
Harold walked over to his desk and opened a cabinet from behind it. From the cabinet, he pulled out a traveling backpack.
¨And that's where you come in, Brooke. The Spiral needs The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral. Every living creature deserves this knowledge. A complete database of everything in it and each version of its history.¨
He handed the bag to Brooke and then walked over to his collection of The History of Magic.
¨This series has long since thought to be the definitive source of how magic came to be in the Spiral, but you may note that the multiple books have faint traces of a biased writer at the pen and how each book contradicts another in some way. Add that to the recent discovery that these books were written by wizards, not scribes as we previously thought, and that ancient wizards have a history of being untrustworthy, and now we can't even trust The History of Magic. If we had The Guide we would be able to recount every interpretation of the history of the Spiral. Even if all of them are incorrect, we could at least know all the wrong answers.¨
Brooke listened while rummaging through her new bag. There was food, water, treasure cards and plenty of magical items. In the back pocket, she found the original copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral. Anything she wrote in it would appear in the copies of anyone else who had it.
¨So regardless of whether or not anything I write in it is true, readers will at least take comfort in knowing that everything there is known about a subject is with them at any time and that they could just choose whichever history they want? That sounds almost as flawed as just having an empty book. Someone could easily read the wrong information.¨
Harold nodded. ¨Once we get a detailed guidebook, we'll warp it through time to the beginning of history. At which point, I'll have someone add this legal disclaimer.¨
He pointed towards a mounted plaque that stated in gold letters: ¨While information in this book may contradict itself at times, reality itself makes no sense either. So it's safe to say that anything you wish to take from this guide is true. If at some point you find yourself in a situation where you feel The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral gave you false information, the problem is not with The Guide but instead the problem is with reality. We advise you to sue reality if this event occurs. If this happens multiple times, it is safe to say the problem is with you taking away the wrong information. At which point, we advise you to sue your past self.¨
"How can you send it to the beginning of history?" Asked Brooke, "and how can you be sure someone back then can write it for you?"
"You aren't the only editor I have," answered Harold, "I have plenty of writers across space and time. Each one has the original Guide. Or rather, they have an enchanted version of The Guide that gives them the ability to change the others. You are merely my first editor is all. After I send you, plenty of individuals will pick up the pen and assist in editing. Then, for reasons I myself don't know, they will be scattered throughout time. Eventually, a complete and definitive Guide will be sent to the beginning of time and an editor will add the disclaimer. Then history will have a complete guidebook for everything about everything."
Brooke was less phased about this than she figured she should be but she still had her concerns. "I have two questions. Question one: how can you be sure of all this?"
"Simple," replied Harold, "I was visited by a future editor of The Guide who claimed he was the second to last editor. He told me the final editor would be responsible for completing The Guide at The End of Everything. At which point, the final editor will deliver it to me to send to the beginning of the Spiral, at which point the second to last editor will add the disclaimer, give it to the Lords of Night and return to his time for a sandwich. With a complete Guide in the hands of the Lords of Night, that disclaimer will be legally valid and our publishing company will take care of making enough copies."
Brooke just nodded her head. She stopped caring about the explanation after she heard about the time traveling editor. Harold was clearly insane, but he was also paying her. She saw no reason why not to follow through on his weird quest.
"So what is your second question?" Asked Harold.
"Don't worry, your answer to the first one answered the second."
The second question was going to be "why me?" The job application asked for "a person who's utterly dead inside. Completely uncaring about others. A borderline sociopath. No real future plans. Also, at least kindergarten level writing capabilities."
It not that she didn't meet the qualifications, she was wondering why being completely uncaring was a qualification. At first she figured it was to make sure all information was unbiased. Then she figured the job would be so dull that it'd be better if you went in broken rather than to allow it to break you. Now she knew the real answer: to make sure you don't mind being employed by a lunatic who believes time traveling editors want him to write a guidebook. Also to make sure you don't report him to someone.
Lucky for Harold, she was dead inside. She was completely indifferent to being hired by a madman. Any shred of empathy or concern for others had long since been killed because of something that happened to her years back that she no longer cared to remember. This was nothing to her.
"In that case, I should be off. I am getting paid by the page after all. Where should I start?" She asked.
"I would recommend the Marleybone museum. Afterwards, check the archives of Dragonspyre. Assuming nothing has sidetracked you by then, like some sort of grand adventure or something, go to the ruins of Celestia. By then, something should sidetrack you, taking you on some epic adventure where you'll be able to write about all sorts of things. If for some reason nothing continues to happen, go wherever you wish. Just keep editing. This needs to be a complete guidebook on everything about everything."
With that, she was at the entrance of the Spiral Door in Ravenwood. Spiral Doors were no longer a popular method of travel anymore. A new type of ships called "The Spiral Spanners" made world travel far easier. She preferred this method though, if only because it was less noisy. She took out a spiral key she acquired from Harold and opened the door. She looked into it and saw the vastness of the Spiral. The infinite stars, the floating worlds and the pathways dripping with mana.
She stepped through with the destination of Marleybone on her mind.
"Look over there! Mom, look at her!" Cried a small cat child. He tugged at the skirt of his poor mother who just wished they could travel to Wizard City in peace.
"What is it now, Jonathan?" She groaned.
Jonathan pointed to the window of their room in the spiral spanner they were traveling in. Outside it, he could see a girl with a traveling bag being swept across the Spiral by an unseen force. Little did he know that the girl was Brooke Wishsong. Little did he know that while this would be the first and last time he ever saw Brooke, he would eventually know of her and her mission. Her mission was to write The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral, an incredible book that would grant every living being in the Spiral complete knowledge on everything about everything, or, at least, complete knowledge on everything known about everything. Little did he know that he would be the third editor for the very same book after Brooke's unfortunate demise.
A/N: I'm supposed to be writing lighthearted stuff, but it seems I can't write a Wizard101 fic without someone dying. I guess I just don't like knowing that the average audience will always know the main character won't die merely because they're the main character.
Before I end this note, I want to say I'd like this story to be a bit interactive. Like, I think it'd be cool if readers could send in their own articles for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Spiral. You'd be able to submit your own headcanon or theory or something. Due to the nature of The Guide there'd be no wrong theories, and the more conflicting the better. However, the site rules don't allow interactive stories so I can't ASK YOU GUYS TO SUBMIT YOUR OWN HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE SPIRAL ARTICLES. If fact, ANY SUBMISSIONS SENT THROUGH REVIEWS WILL BE IGNORED. I also would never accept a submission from a PM, even though ANY SUBMISSION SENT THROUGH A PM COULDN'T BE USED AS EVIDENCE FOR AN INTERACTIVE STORY.
Welp, that's enough loopholes for one day. We've got an adventure filled with time traveling, death and knowledge ahead of us. Please leave some constructive criticism if you can, and I'll see ya next time.