Disclaimer: I own no characters in this story and I have made no profit off of it. I also drew inspiration from the book The Motion of the Ocean by Janna Cawrse Esarey.
A/N:This is a little longer than my usual work, but the story kind of took on a life of its own. I was trying to work the ocean as an extended metaphor, but I'm not sure if it worked.
Kit had always connected with the ocean. He returned to the sea whenever he could, whether it be to jump into the surf, walk on the beach, or sit and ponder his budding relationship with his best friend. They'd both finally recognized the spark that was there, recognized it and acted upon it. Yes, Kit was dating Nita, leaving Kit with a girlfriend and without anyone to turn to for girl related advice. So he turned to his other love for inspiration.
When everything else in the world changes, the sea will remain. No matter what is developing around the world, the tides will come and go, the waves crash against the beach, and the ocean will slowly move rocks. But, as some say, the sea is a 'fickle bitch'i. All of a sudden, just when you think you have her figured out, that you and the sea had come to an understanding, a storm comes out of nowhere and sinks your boat. But for some people the joys of the sea and the treasures hidden within her outweigh the risks. The sea almost claimed Nita during the Song of the Twelve, but Kit understands it was nothing personal. When you swim in the ocean, you have to watch out for sharks; Kit has never tried to deny that.
But he had never been told about how drastically relationships could change from day to day.. Everyone warns you about the dangers of the ocean, the hidden riptides and all that, but no one has any advice to give about a 130 pound 22 year-old brunette. Well, Dairine had advice, but it was more sarcastic than useful. In her usual dry, I-don't-understand-why-I-deal-with-stupid-people voice she had commented, "Please don't tell me you honestly thought dating my sister would be easy."
Kit sighed, and watched the waves moving in and out, in and out. He had thought it would be easy to love her. He had loved her before they started going out, and he only loved her more now. So then why did he now feel like there was more distance between them than ever before? They had been fighting over the most innocuous things, and every sentence she uttered seemed loaded, as though she was always trying to convey some subtle message to him. At the surface, everything seemed fine, but Kit sensed there was a shark lurking in the depths. And he was tired of looking over his shoulder for a dark triangular fin.
And so Kit waited for an epiphany, at the edge of the element notorious for sudden apparitions. All he wanted was for a theory to pop out of the recesses of his mind, or for an idea to come together that would explain Nita's strange behavior. As a wizard he should have remembered not to want something too much, for fear of willing it into existence, because his answer had just appeared out of nowhere behind him.
"Hay," Nita said as she sat beside him. She laughed to herself as Kit jumped, startled, before realizing it was she. He noticed she didn't lean in for a kiss or move closer to him; just sat there, 8 inches away.
"Hay," he responded in kind. "I thought you were going to be out of the universe of awhile?"
"I was supposed to be, but the situation was fixed before I even got there. It seems something here had changed, and the Powers wanted me back home ASAP. And of course I didn't check my status till I was on the other side of the universe with another wizard telling me that 'this was his errantry, what are you doing here?' How have things been in the 48 hours I've been gone?"
Kit was glad she seemed to be normal today. "Fine. The usual stuff." An awkward silence ensued. Or at least it was awkward for him, he had no idea what Nita was thinking.
"I heard from Dairine right before I came here," Nita started. "She said you felt like something was….weird between us."
Kit was awestruck at how fast lines of communication work. Seriously, he thought he had a few days before Nita found out he had been looking for advice. "Umm, yah," Kit said quietly, going for honest rather than articulate. And they both sat there, staring at each other.
"Well?" Nita probed.
"I thought you would start." Kit retorted. Before they started dating things had never been this awkward. Some days he almost wondered if it all had been a mistake. And then he felt like he was betraying the person he was closest to, in both friendship and love. Nothing was simple anymore.
Nita sighed. "Fine. I'll start." She sighed again, then stared out at the horizon. Or, Kit thought, the general area where the horizon should be, because on this cloudy day the line between water and sky had blurred, just as lines between two best friends had blurred, causing them to fall together in a high of passion. They hadn't done… you know, but it had come close a couple times. And then Nita pulled away from him, leaving him trying to reach out to her from across an abyss. Maybe he (and Romeo) should have listened to Friar Lawrence when he said, "Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast."ii And, if Kit and Romeo didn't understand the value of that line, they should have listened when the good friar said, "The sweetest honey is loathsome in his own deliciousness…Therefore love moderately. Long love doth so. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow."iii He and Romeo both missed the wisdom of these two passages when it came to love…
"KIT! Did you hear a word of what I just said?!?" Nita glared at him, practically fuming at the ears.
"Sorry Nita, I was just stuck in my own head for a bit there," Kit sheepishly answered, feeling a lot like a sacrificial offering. A quick picture of Nita holding a bloody butcher's knife like a serial killer from a horror movie popped into his mind, which he immediately regretted. She deserved better than that…even if it was funny.
Nita stared at him for a couple seconds, and then seemingly found his answer sufficient and flopped down into the sand, stretching her legs out in front of her and putting her arms behind her head. Some might take this to mean they were forgiven, and that the scary relationship talk had been avoided, but Kit knew better. He could see through her façade to gaze upon the tension that resided in her shoulders, and could sense an underlying worry weighing her down. She started her confession once again.
"I'm not accusing you of going behind my back or something; that would be cruel. Especially when I've felt a… strain as well. I'm kinda ashamed to admit that your confusion is all my fault. But I thought I could deal with it all on my own, I didn't know you could sense something was wrong, I'm so sorry!"
Kit's blood ran cold; how could she hide something big from him again? Hadn't she learned after the whole mess with her mother that two heads are better than one?! How could she be so stupid! No, he had to cool down; he couldn't go into this spitting fire. He would only push her away more, and he couldn't live with that.
"You're mad at me, aren't you?" She whispered, pain and regret clinging to her every word, imbuing itself into her body language.
"Kind of Nita, but that's not important right now. I've got to know, what's wrong?"
She sat up, looking at him like a china doll, and seeming just as fragile. Her eyes were wide, and he could see fear and confusion and a sense of misdirection floating in their depths. She slowly and quietly uttered, "I don't know who I am."
Kit paused, and for a second wondered what the big deal was; everyone at some point in their lives has lost their direction, lost track of who they were. But there is opportunity in the confusion, a chance to remake yourself with the parts of your old self. But then the rest came crashing down on him. Nita is a wizard; often her life depends on her ability to define objects and actions with words. To not be able to define oneself is awful even to a normal person, but to a wizard it could be a death sentence.
"Oh Nita." She collapsed into his shoulder, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her, not quite sure who was supporting who. It's no wonder the Powers called her off the errantry, if she didn't know how to write her name in the speech, there would be no hope for the entire job. The errantry would have been doomed from the get go.
Nita cried for a while, and tears were still streaming down her face when she resumed talking. "I just, since we started dating, I've been lost. I mean, you've always been a huge part of my life, and I started thinking, what if it turned out I wasn't the kind of girl you wanted to date? Would we still be able to be friends, or would our break-up drag down our friendship too? And how do you define yourself in a relationship anyway. You have to bend on some things to keep a relationship working, but how far do you bend before you start to lose yourself? I mean, we're both very…passionate people," Kit thought that opinionated might be a better word, "and what if we disagreed on something really big? Something we couldn't compromise on? Who would I be without you?"
Kit paused. It was rare that they severely disagreed on things as partners or friends, but had that changed with the advent of their romance? He hadn't thought it had. But he also could relate to her fears, for they were certainly not unfounded. Just a couple months back they had been working with another set of partners and in the course of the errantry one died. The other partner became unhinged, and as far as Kit knew Nihath're was still in the hospital, completely out of his mind.
"But all of this new stuff with you, combined with the stress of senior year, and just some personal baggage that's built up over the years has left me so lost. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore."
Kit wanted to give her a straight answer. But at the same time he knew he could not answer for her. But he could help her try and figure it out herself. "I'll stay with you for as long as I can. In any way I can. Nita, I need you. But, what kind of baggage is dragging you down?" He cautiously inquired.
Nita looked down, pulling away from him slightly. Kit just held onto her waist tighter, if they didn't finish this conversation here he wasn't sure they ever would. "Nita?" He pressed, knowing he was hitting a nerve, but he was a firm believer in tough love.
She gazed unseeing into the air, as though she looked into the folds of time, remembering past events. "It's just, in the past, I haven't gotten along with people too well. Especially peers. So what if nothing's changed when I enter the work force? What if people just keep viewing me as a little book-worm who thinks she knows better than everyone else? Could I honestly deal with the drama and social out casting for another 30 years? Could anyone?"
Kit wished he could answer her. With all his heart he wanted to make her pain go away. But he had a duty, as a wizard and friend and partner and boyfriend, to give her the truth. "I don't know. I've had about as good of a track record with regular people as you have. But I do know this. You're stronger than you think you are. You think you're bending under the weight of the world, but I see differently. I see you as the ocean's waterline when it's retreating, farther and farther,"
"Oh, thanks for that" Nita sarcastically inserted, but Kit plowed on. "But as people are gaping at the sea's sudden withdrawal they're suddenly slammed back by a tsunami that they never saw coming. You are powerful and unstoppable when you want to be. People envy that. Don't let them drag you down. And please, next time you feel the ghosts gaining ground in this internal battle you're having. call me. I love to remind you just how amazing you are."
Nita leaned in closer to him, and entwined their fingers. Coyly she asked, "Does that make you my knight in shining armor?"
Kit looked at her, with her hair tussled by the wind, tear tracks still fresh on her face, and grey eye that were remarkably similar to the sea in front of them, hiding subtle nuances in their depths. "No, that makes me your life coach. To me you don't look like you need saving."
And so they sat, looking out at the sea, facing whatever could come together, as a team.
i From The Motion of the Ocean by Janna Cawrse Esarey
ii Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. Act II scene 4 line 101. The Folger Edition.
iii Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. Act II scene 6 lines 11-15. The Folger Edition.