Disclaimer: I own Ensigns O'Rourke and Patil. Everything else is Paramount's. This is just some random crap I wrote because I've seen a million fics with original female crewmembers discussing our heroes, and I thought the guys deserved a chance to weigh in on the stuff. And no, I don't know how either of them knew the situation involving T/Tu. They probably heard it from Chef. Who knows all.

…

Ping-Pong, Butterscotch Pudding, and Bomb Shelters

…

"Look. Sub-Commander T'pol at twelve-o-clock."

Ensign Duncan O'Rourke smirked at his lunchmate. "With Commander Tucker in hot pursuit, what a surprise. They don't think they're fooling anyone, do they?"

Ensign Shiv Patil cocked an eyebrow. "About that whole, I'll sleep with you but it's just to study you lowly humans, deal?"

"Yeah, that."

"Maybe, maybe not. You know, when a relationship starts to involve sex, it stops involving reason."

O'Rourke rolled his muddy green eyes. "Except in Vulcan chicks. Remember, it's just an experiment."

"Oh, please. She's getting lucky with one of the most wanted, and I do mean wanted, men on this ship. It's more than some experiment. You know she enjoys it."

"It's funny."

Patil's smirk turned into a slightly sardonic frown. "Yeah, I'm laughing."

"No, really. I mean, Tucker picks one woman out of dozens to (ahem) "get groiny with", and it just so happens to be the one least likely to appreciate it." O'Rourke wagged his eyebrows for emphasis.

"What about the Ping-Pong?"

O'Rourke was confused. "Ping-Pong? What the hell-?"

"You know, that Vulcan Ping-Pong getting freaky thing, that happens once every couple of years."

O'Rourke sighed. "Shiv…"

"What?"

"You mean Pon Farr?"

Patil grinned. "Yeah, that."

"You are such a loser."

"Why, because I'm not up-to-date on my Vulcan sexology?"

It's a good thing there are relatively few people in the Mess Hall at this hour to hear this, O'Rourke mused. "Hmph. So, you think you could do better with the humans?"

"What do you mean?"

"Okay…take Ensign Sato."

Patil coughed on his chai. "She's not my type."

"Not like that, numbnuts! Analyze. Go ahead."

"This is so sad. We're wasting out free time picking apart the love lives-or lack thereof-of the beautiful people at the top of our pathetic little pecking order. Anybody ever tell you you need a life?"

"Shut up and analyze."

"Can't do both at the same time," Patil said in a singsong voice.

"Just tell me: out of all the options, who is she most likely to couple herself with?"

"My money's on the Captain."

"Really?" O'Rourke said. "I guess I could see that. I mean, she's obviously attracted to him, and he'd be blind not to have the hots for her, but there are so many other choices closer to her age."

"Like Commander Tucker or Ensign Mayweather?"

"Mayweather is a definite possibility. They've kinda got a cute, flirty sort of rapport, and I bet he'd be a fun date. Tucker would have to be a no-no."

Patil shook his head in doubt. "I dunno…They seem to get along very well."

"She'd have to take down Sub-Commander T'pol for the chance to even start something with him."

Patil stared off into space. "Any chance taking her down would involve the two of them in the decon chamber wrestling in a pool of butterscotch pudding?"

O'Rourke reached over the tabletop and neatly smacked his crewmate upside the head. Patil squawked.

"Ow! Hey, it's an idea!"

"A very bad one! You know there's no way Chef could have that much butterscotch pudding that he'd be willing to waste."

"Betcha he wouldn't see it as a waste. I know I wouldn't."

"Anyway, never gonna happen. Best leave ideas like those to the fanfic writers."

Patil looked at him like he was crazy. "The what?"

O'Rourke sighed. "Never mind. So Sato's most likely to hook up with either the Captain or Mayweather."

"What about Lieutenant Reed? He and Sato are close."

"They're just friends," O'Rourke said confidently. Patil was unimpressed.

"And you know this…how?"

"Vibes. They have 'friend' vibes. He's a one-night-stand kinda guy and she likes a bit more commitment in her relationships. Plus, he treats her like a sister. A man and a woman can be just friends, you know, regardless of what society tells us."

"You're getting deep, man."

"I know, kinda scary," O'Rourke shuddered. "Of course, I don't even know if she would even look at Reed like that."

"I'll bet she does. I mean, he's a very attractive man."

"Dude,"

"Or so I've heard from just about every single female crewmember," Patil smoothly added.

"And a few of the males, apparently."

"I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to accept the fact that other men might be more attractive to women than I am."

"Good for you", O'Rourke said, a bit uneasily. "Trust me on this one, if Reed had any sort of intention with Sato, which I don't see him having, the Captain would put a quick end to that."

"You think he'd be that jealous?"

"Sure, why not? He's a man who is used to being in control of situations. Nobody's gonna take away that control."

"Oooo, nice," Patil smiled. "But you said Reed and Sato had a brother-sister type of thing. That means, if the Captain or Mayweather were to pursue something like that, they'd have to deal with him."

"There's a thought. I can see it now, the Captain having to promise the Lieutenant that he'd be on his best behavior and have the Ensign home at a reasonable hour."

"Or else said Lieutenant would bust out his shotgun, er, phase-pistol, and teach him a lesson!" Shiv laughed.

"I bet good 'ole Reed has a shotgun hidden somewhere in his quarters. Along with an axe, a bazooka, and a few little odds-and-ends like pigmy poison darts."

"And the bomb shelter hidden in his closet."

"All right, so I'm fairly sure that one's just a rumor," O'Rourke said. "I mean, how would he fit it in there? Those closets are small."

"I'll let you try to figure it out. Maybe you could ask him."

"Oh, yeah, and while I'm at it, I could ask him about his current love life", the Irishman answered sarcastically, "'cuz me and my loser friend have nothing better to do than to guess who he's most compatible with."

"Yeah, come to think of it, I can't see him in a committed relationship with anyone."

"Anyone willing to be in a relationship with him should be committed. I've heard he sleeps with his weapons."

"I dunno, maybe some women find that very sexy. In a kinky way, you know," Patil mused. "Maybe we should try it. Might get us some action."

"I think a few more pips on these uniforms would get us more action than snuggling down with a phase pistol every night. Safer too. Accidents happen, you know."

"Obviously not to Lieutenant Reed. As of yet, at least."

Duncan raised his eyebrows again, a quirky little habit he had. "That we know of."

"Wow," Shiv said, and then he cringed. "Don't you ever put those kind of images in my mind ever again, do you hear me?"

Duncan laughed. A few minutes later he tapped Shiv's shoulder. "Ensign Cragen."

"What, Ellie? What about her?"

O'Rourke grinned widely. "She and our esteemed Lieutenant would make a fine couple, don't you think?"

Shiv's eyes grew wide. "You're kidding me. Ellie and Reed? They hate each other!"

O'Rourke waved in a dismissive manner. "No they don't."

"Uh, yeah they do, Dunc. You remember what happened when Crewman Yates 'accidentally' locked them in the gym together? The Lieutenant ended up in sickbay with a bloody lip!"

"Maybe it was a love-tap. Anyway, he's in sickbay so often I think Phlox has decided to give him his own bed. With a big old sign on it that says, 'Reed's Bed.'"

"A love-tap?" Patil said, unbelieving. "Oh, please. He thinks she's unprofessional and unnecessary on board because she's in Cartography, for God's sake, and she thinks he's got a phase-pistol shoved where no phase-pistol has gone before!"

"Probably an act."

"Ahah. Opposites attract?"

"Not really," O'Rourke grinned. "The reason they hate each other is that they're so much alike."

"You just lost me."

"Never mind. Just, believe me here. There's so much rampant, unresolved sexual tension jumping around the two of them that Freud would have a field day. Hell, he'd love the whole ship."

Shiv sighed. "And we're not getting any of it."

"Gentlemen?"

The two Ensigns turned their heads to see Lieutenant Reed regarding them. 'Yes-yes sir?" Patil squeaked.

"The Captain has requested that you take Ensign Mayweather's position and my own on bridge."

"Yes sir!" Both young men snapped to attention. They stood up to dispose of their lunch trays, and turned to head to the bridge.

"And Ensigns," Reed added.

"Sir?"

"I assure you, any 'rampant, unresolved sexual tension' involving myself and any crew member, particularly Ensign Cragen, is not fodder for discussion in the Mess Hall. Do I make myself explicitly clear?"

O'Rourke and Patil gulped. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."

"Very well. You have your orders. Dismissed."

Reed watched the two young men go, practically jumping over each other to get out of his sight. He smirked.

'Rampant, unresolved sexual tension?'

Well that was interesting.

….

A/N: Short short short! I know. My first ENT fic. What do you think? Sure, it's somewhat mindless crap, but I like O'Rourke and Patil. Or Dunky and Shivvy. Either way, it's all good. And yay! My favorite canon character is here! Anyway, review.