11/02/2005
I'll Die Without You
He sat, shivering against the wooden goal post. The rough wood aggravated his back, its callous surface digging into him, and his spine grating. He raised his head and slammed it hard – hard enough to see stars – into the post, the aftershock a good type of pain; counteracting the bad striking, tearing pain in his heart.
His black hair fell over his eyes, in shaggy waves, different lengths. His eyelashes grazed a few strands every time he blinked; he tried to stop blinking.
The post was hard and constant, firm and unmoving. He turned his head, looking towards the only moving object, way across the grounds. It stood strong and wild, but miniscule in the bulk of the black castle in the distance.
He was in there, and Sirius was out here. He was drawn to the willow, knew that James and Peter were attempting to do his job for him and he was tense. He expected a howl to split the air. To see the eyes of his Mate, deep within the depths of the yellow orbs of the wild beast. With every passing second his heart sank; maybe they didn't need him after all.
Sirius hung his head, letting his hair block his view, so as to try to stop a sob from bursting through his being. If he couldn't see, the hurt might just dull to a sluggish beat upon his heart. He wondered how long it would be until his heart was rendered dead; until it failed and he died, lost all memory and was sent to a burning fire in the pit of hell. He wondered how long he had to live without Remus' cool, soothing presence.
Sirius sighed, giving up as a sob wracked his body, hearing the heavens break and the sound of a dozen falling raindrops. A tear carved a path down his cheek, burning the skin it touched. His tongue snaked out to touch it. He remembered how Remus' tears had tasted. Tears of joy. Tears of hope, of pain, of sadness, of disbelief. And tears of utter loneliness and betrayal.
He pulled his knees to his chest and listened to the sound of the rain, his robes soaked up the fallen water and his hair becoming straggly and dripping drops down his back.
His back was to the moon, full and beautiful; but cruel and painful to his Remus.
He cursed himself and he cursed the moon. He sobbed and willed the rain to wash away everything.
Curling in on himself, he wondered how he had ever been so stupid, how Regulus had been so stupid and how Snape had been so set on finding out that which was none of his business.
In a moment that seemed to still, the rain pausing, the wind hushing and the silence becoming more pronounced, Sirius mourned the loss of his younger brother. He wondered who had introduced Regulus to Voldemort; he suspected Bellatrix – his cousin having been the lapdog of Rodolphus Lestrange since Hogwarts. He grieved for the fact that before his death Regulus had reconciled himself minutely, in Sirius' eyes, by ousting Snape.
And so it had been Snape he had sought vengeance from, and in the glare of the full month, he had felt his blood boil and his jaws had tempted to snap Snape's neck.
He had changed form in front of Snape, his black form melting into the familiar handsome face of Sirius Black, now gaunt and pained.
He had felt such hate and all he could think of was Remus. And Remus was a wolf that night and so Sirius had dared to betray his friend, his Mate, because the Spirit of Vengeance had overtaken his flesh, bending his will.
But Prongs had acted the hero, and saved the snivelling slime ball. Sirius shifted, his flesh melting and separating into fine black hairs upon a huge, mournful dog. And in the rain he slept, fitfully, tail curled around and sinking into the mud of the Quidditch pitch.
Remus woke abruptly. The first rays of dawn shone in his eyes and he blinked and turned his head, wincing as the cords in his neck grated and pulled. He sat up gingerly, slowly, so as not to aggravate any new wounds he might have acquired.
Normally, with Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail, he could wake up feeling a bit nauseous but injure-free. Today however, Padfoot's absence was the biggest change. It was the first time he had not been there for Remus since he had become an animagus. The air was still, the house quiet and he hadn't woken up in his Mate's arms, comforting as he woke.
Remus groaned, articulating the weariness he felt. He sat up, flicking his fringe out of his eyes and examined his chest for new marks. There were a few new additions in the shape of rat's claws. But it wasn't until he stood up that he felt, and saw the rather large bite mark on his upper arm, and wondered why he hadn't felt it already. It was obviously the work of the wolf, being an example of the wolfs flexibility; luckily he healed almost instantaneously, so all that was left were the white scars.
Remus sighed, slumping back onto the bad letting the black wash over him. He'd exhausted all of his reserve energy. No doubt he would wake up in the hospital wing, fully clothed and feeling much rejuvenated.
He just wished that it would be Sirius he woke to, instead of the bustling Nurse's cheery face.
Sirius writhed, limbs flaying about as he felt a presence intrude on his space. Padfoot growled and opened one bleary, red-rimmed eye to glare at the imposing figure.
He yelped, leaped to all four feet, legs shaking with cramp and cowered under the blue gaze of the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.
He hung his head, shivering in the bitter wind that was picking up, the remaining water droplets in his coat helping to pronounce his shivers. Dumbledore crouched down and flicked his wand and Sirius was once again human.
A cloak was wrapped around his bare shoulders – he cursed the way his clothes always disappeared when he changed from human to animagus to human – and he was levitated into the castle; his awake mind succumbing to the inevitable dawning sleep, his eyelids failing, closing. Finally his body went limp, and for the first time in since the previous Full Moon, he lost all tension and worry.
A cold hand on his brow caused Remus to startle awake, an arm flashing out to grip the intruder's wrist with the innate reflexes of the inner wolf. There was a hitch in their breathing and Remus opened eyes to darkness, the yellow of the wolf flashing briefly as his eyes adjusted to the light. Seeing more clearly, Remus let go of the Headmaster's arm, regretfully and ashamedly. He frowned and looked up at the older man's face, wondering what crimes he had committed this last moon as a wolf; hating the skip in him memory.
Sighing, as if struggling an internal battle, the Headmaster cleared his throat and subtly moved into the direction of another bed in the closed ward.
Fawkes made his entrance then, trilling a slightly mournful tune and beating his wings slowly as he landed on the end of the hospital bed.
Dumbledore looked again at Remus, closing his eyes and sighing before walking sedately out the room.
Remus sat up, squinting to try and see round the closed curtains at the end of the ward. Swinging his legs gingerly over the edge of the stiff bed, he straightened up and let his bare feet meet the cool touch of the floor. He walked across, the distance closing rapidly. Soon he stood before the still white curtains, a hand hovering before, trembling as he wondered whom lay beyond and in what state.
He hoped it wasn't James or Peter. It wasn't Lily and his conclusion only suffered his hand to shake more erratically.
Fawkes made his decision for him, nosing his way between the curtains and pulling Remus in behind him. Remus stumbled in, the eyes of the boy in the bed fluttering open. He waited for the enhanced eyesight of the dog to take effect and Remus saw his eyes widen and glow red for a brief second. The surprise was evident in the eyes of his Mate and Remus stared.
Sirius struggled to sit up but floundered, too weak. A hoarse coughing fit shook his body, causing tears of pain to appear, and specks of red blood appeared on the pristine white sheets.
Remus ran to the bed, as fast as his legs could carry him, collapsing on the end of the bed before crawling up to lie by his Mate's side.
His arms came around Sirius and hugged him close; tears forming as another coughing fit came and went, though silent. Remus got up quickly and went to the nearest bed to get another pillow to prop Sirius up on. It was as he was entering the curtains again that he realised that a Silencing spell was on the curtains. How long Sirius had been suffering was debatable.
Remus looked over to the Phoenix, his feathers ruffled and sticking out in places; a burning day was imminent. He willed Fawkes to help Sirius, to ease his pain.
The Phoenix looked back at him and spread his wings, gliding to Sirius' form, shedding a tear on his face, and laying his head on Sirius' throat. As the coughs subsided, the Phoenix left, trilling a slightly happier melody as he flew out of the hospital wing, leaving one gleaming tail feather on the sheets.
In the quiet of the wing, all Remus could hear was the breathing of two persons. He sat up on one elbow, studying the person before him. Sirius' black hair and dark blue eyes stood out in the gloom, contrasting with the white colour scheme. The pale pallor of his skin melted into the shadows of his pillow, leading down into the sheets of the bed and showing up against the golden tone of Remus' own skin, pink scars blending into the majority colour.
Remus felt the flicker of Sirius' eyes upon him: unsure and emotive. Remus knew why he hesitated; he didn't know where he stood and it was up to Remus to show him.
Remus lowered his face, so that his mouth hovered over Sirius' lips, trembling and glistening. Sirius' eyes flickered between the lips at close proximity and Remus' own eyes, flicking a tongue out to moisten unconsciously.
Remus breathed out quietly and shakily before starting to speak hesitantly.
"I… I didn't hate you Sirius. I was just hurt, and it got reinforced by the Wolf's… displeasure at seeing prey getting away." He continued slowly, watching the emotions flicker across the pool of Sirius' eyes.
"I understand what you did and that Regulus…wasn't just a cruel…heartless bastar…person, but your brother also. I'm sorry. That last moon hurt so much and you got hurt too."
He lowered his head, mouth just touching Sirius'. "What did you do love?"
Remus kissed him lightly, feeling the relief sag in his shoulders. Soft lips reciprocated the kiss, leaning into Remus' touch more. Remus' hand inched towards the black locks, tangling them against the stark white pillow, making an interesting monochrome effect.
His lips grazed the corner of Sirius' mouth, kissing his jaw and working down his neck, which Sirius bared for him, the symbolism not lost of Remus. He was surrendering. Remus kissed and gently bit the collarbones of his Mate, feeling him groan against him, hips rising subtly, as if still unsure as to the exact feelings of his Mate.
To thwart this, Remus slipped fully beneath the stiff hospital sheet and ground his hips forcibly into Sirius, receiving a moan and a whimper in return. The resulting feelings sparked a trail across Remus' body, eliciting more touches and a growing need.
Sirius was becoming more like the Sirius of a month previous. He gradually became more daring, and after a short period of time, he flipped over so Remus now had to look up at his Mate. Normally Sirius was submissive – only because Remus' strength and power from the wolf made him a bit more dominant – but obviously the stress of celibacy had been too much.
Remus decided he liked a dominant Sirius, especially if he continued to do…just…. that! Remus moaned, back arching as the feelings grew more but stilling as a light flickered on and they lay frozen, spooning. Remus risked a look and froze, realising the curtains had been left open and he could see the person standing there. She stood there, surprised, with a house Elves pan in her hand.
The lights shone off the dark red hair and reflected in bright green orbs that were wide with startled desire. She cleared her throat and let out a relieved sigh. It was then that Sirius popped his head up, clearly shocked, but recovering enough to let out a bark of laughter.
"Whew! Lily, Lily-of-my-heart-who-lies-in-the-valley-of-James'-bed…" Sirius broke off as air became a problem and Lily smiled before realising the implications of the run together sentence.
"You… that's not fair. I do not have a sex life with James!"
"So you do have a sex life?" probed Remus teasingly, after regaining his working brain cells.
"Gah… I was coming here to erm… bash some sense into the both of you. Evidently you had already done that for each other." She held up the frying pan and flushed a deep red.
"Thank you," Remus said it sincerely enough and Sirius added, "If I didn't know you better, Lils, I'd say you got turned on by this."
Lily blushed again and walked off, a scowl on her face, but she clicked off the light and just as she swung the door shut, they heard a small "just don't tell James".
Sirius eyed Remus. They had laughed over Lily's parting words and the contrivable implications, and he was now trying to think of a way to answer the question that Remus had asked him.
"So… about what happened Padfoot… You scared me y'know. What happened?" There was a whine of distress in Remus' voice and Sirius shushed him, before promising Remus an answer.
"I'm sure I could replicate the exact conditions from which resulted my imprisonment here. How about you and I take a trip to the showers?" And if there was a distinct purr in Sirius' voice, Remus wouldn't be the one to tell him; so fixed was he on the images conjured by that last sentence!
Finite.