(A/N) ... I'm posting at two in the morning because I feel like it. Don't question me. -.-
First/second person is always fun to write, especially when the subject matter is so dark. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
… Also, this is not a vent fic. Just sayin'.
ABOUT THE RATING: I've slapped an M rating on this fic mainly for language- and mostly for the second chapter, not so much this first one. I wanted it to be raw first person, so I haven't sensored much, if anything. There's also some touchy subject matter- I've seen fics labeled M for far less. HEED THE RATING- if you don't, you may regret it once you get to chapter two.
THIS IS ZADR, although that may not be apparent until the second chapter, as well. However, it is NOT rated for the yaoi- this is NOT a sexual fic, though that does play a role.
This was written to "We Are the Fallen" music. Go check them out- put them on in the background while you read, if you so desire.
I do not own Dib or Zim. I love them both, but I do enjoy tormenting my characters and those I borrow...
Day 1
I don't remember being brought here- I don't remember anything past that final confrontation with Zim... and before that, being in the High Skool cafeteria. I remember him... asking for my help. I don't remember why, and I couldn't possibly think of a viable explanation. But I do remember what happened when I followed him into the hall.
Torque slammed me against the lockers; that wasn't new- he's found a new group since we entered High Skool, and beating up either Zim or I- or sometimes Keef, if neither of us are available -is his favorite pastime beyond lifting weights- his favorite way to prove he's tough. Zim shrieked, obviously surprised- I went limp.
"Hi, Torque," I said with a sigh. "Do we have to do this again?"
"Fag!" He spit in my face.
Wait, I started out saying that this was a confrontation between Zim and I, didn't I...? I could have sworn that that was my last memory, not a fight with Torque that Zim just happened to be present for.
Regardless, I woke up here. And so now, counting myself lucky that this notebook and pen happened to be here, I'll write down all I know- beyond a doubt -to be true.
My name is Dib.
I am in High Skool- 11th grade.
My father is Professor Membrane, and my sister is Gazlene.
Zim is an alien- an Irken, they're called.
Torque Smacky grew up to be an insufferable jerk.
Humanity doesn't appreciate what I do for it on a daily basis.
Zim is my enemy.
Zim would kill me, if he got the chance.
High Skool has an unfortunate tendency to force outcasts together.
I would kill Zim, if I got the chance.
I've had many chances.
Day 2
I bothers me- my missing memories, I mean. It helps to write here, as if the answer might appear on the page- magically spring from my pen. But I've never been much of a writer- the arts and science are notoriously opposed, and my paranormal studies are every bit the science that my dad's is.
I'm sure Torque slammed me against that locker, just like I wrote yesterday. But if feels like there's something missing- something that would explain how I came to be in this cold, empty room. The only noise is the scratch of my pen on this page, and the occasional sound of my own footsteps if I decide to rise and pace. I don't know where I am- for all I know, I might be stranded in Zim's basement, captured by his security system. Whoever's on the other side of these walls hasn't seen fit to bring any food, and I'm starving.
I want to sleep a lot- more than normal. Even now I can feel my eyes drooping again. But I have one more thing I wanted to write...
But I seem to have forgotten it. Probably something about Zim...
Day 3
If I didn't have this journal to write in, I might rise to my dad's expectations and go insane. But I do, so that's okay.
I miss Zim more than I ever thought I would. I miss seeing him from across the classroom in English, and I miss sitting behind him in Government. He's always so bored during Government... sometimes he'll fall asleep with his head on my desk. An alien Invader should pay attention in Government, of all classes. He looks almost cute when he sleeps.
I hope no one reads this, despite my distinct desire for someone to do just that.
But if I could choose between Zim and a slice of pizza right now... well, I'd probably choose Zim. But if it was a whole pizza...
Day 5
Did I write yesterday? I don't think so. How did I spend my time, then? I don't remember that, either. But there are five tick-marks on this white wall, and I'm meticulous about my tick-marks.
I was wondering, today, if Gaz has noticed that I'm gone. Dad probably hasn't. But I still live with Gaz... even if she doesn't act like it.
Day 6
It occurred to me today to crawl around on the floor, looking for cracks. I still don't know why I'm here, and I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to look for a way out before. So I spent the day searching the floor with numb fingers- why is it so cold in here? I don't even have a blanket, and they took my cloak. This white coat they replaced it with does nothing to keep out the chill.
But my search was fruitless- I must not be in Zim's basement; he's not smart enough to build something I can't get out of. Maybe tomorrow I'll stand up and search the walls in a similar way- maybe I am in Zim's basement, and the inevitable flaw in this containment unit just lies elsewhere.
But for now, I'm tired. So tried and so hungry- I feel weak and trembly all over, and I don't think I can keep the pen in this unruly hand of mine for much longer.
Day 8
I feel strangely awake today- more awake then I've felt since they brought me here- who brought me here? Why am I here? I can't write fast enough to to fill this page with all the questions I realize now I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKING.
I lost another day, and I can't figure out why- I'm sure that that's a central price of this puzzle. I spent today searching the walls for any cracks or crevices- reading over my past entries here, I can't make sense of how lackadaisical I sounded! This is serious! I have to get out of here, no matter what!
This is Dib, recording here for all to see that I will not surrender!
This must be part of Zim's plot- or perhaps it isn't. But I know he's involved somehow! I remember yelling at him just before I was brought here- I don't know how Torque fits into the picture, but I doubt he's important at all. What's important is that final argument with Zim- and that's the thing that's missing.
The only thing in this damned room besides me is a lamp- a lamp and these blasted pillows. I tore a couple of those up today- made a nest that keeps out some of the cold. I wish I could climb the lamp- it looks as if I could reach the ceiling if I did, and I'm sure that that's where the entrance is. It has to be.
I'm so hungry it's eating me alive. Between thinking about Zim and Gaz and Dad and trying to figure out where I am and why I'm here and how I came to be here and to what purpose I was brought here, food is all I can think about. I can't believe all the days I curled up in my warm bed after eating a hot meal with Gaz and didn't thank my lucky stars.
I have to get back there. I won't give in. I won't give in to whatever the hell they're doing to me, because they are doing something to me.
Zim, I don't know exactly why... I don't remember exactly why... but if you read this, on day... I want you to know one thing:
I hate you, you fucking little green alien menace.
Day 11
Where did the days go...
If it wasn't for my last entry, I would have no memory of the clarity I had the treat of experiencing those three days ago.
Everything is so hazy... I can't quite make out the iink on the page, so excuse
me if I skip a line or repeat a letter. I usually don ' t write so sloppily. But I had to writ here today, regardless of how disoriented I feel
ttoday. My mind is still intact, despite their attempts to damag it.
But I have to sleep now. I hope I wake up tomorrow
Day 12
I managed to wake up today.
Day 13
Isn't 13 an unlucky number...? Or is that just a human superstition? I wonder if Zim would laugh at me if I asked him if it was unlucky on Irk...
I think he would.
Day 15
I wasn't going to write today, but it occurred to me the I should record the fact that I'm bleeding. I don't remember how I was hurt, but I had to wash my bedding today. No one wants to sleep in dried blood, even if it is their own.
Day 20
I have made a horrible mistake.
This entire time, I've been assuming I was still on Earth. But I'm not.
I'm a prisoner of war, held here on Irk.
That must have been what that final argument was about- the argument between Zim and I, I mean, not the argument between Torque and I. It explains everything.
They've been drugging me.
The guards have been beating me- if these weren't asexual Irkens we were talking about, I might think I had been raped- more than once, judging from how sore I am. They haven't fed me- there is no human food here, and even if there was they wouldn't care enough to feed me.
That little green bastard Zim finally betrayed me.
I screamed his name until I was hoarse today, pounding on the walls until my fists were cracked and bloody. I know he must be here- I know he must be watching me, watching me suffer.
Zim, I know you'll read this one day, if only for your own amusement. I'll never forgive you, you bastard. I'll take my bitter hatred of your worm-ridden hide to the grave, and I hope that will haunt you for the rest of your hollow, self-absorbed existence.
Day 21
I miss you, Zim...
... why aren't you here with me...?
Day 22
What have I been writing here, all this time? Subjective truths- my opinions and my perception of the world.
So here are the things I know to be true:
My name is Dib.
I am in 11th grade- High Skool.
Zim is an alien- an Irken, specifically.
Humanity as a whole has never appreciated me- no single human has, either.
Zim is my enemy.
Zim would kill me, if he got the chance.
He has had many chances.
High Skool tends to create bonds between outcasts.
Zim is my best friend.
Gaz never believes me.
Dad is ashamed of me.
Torque Smacky deserves his shit-head friends.
I would kill Zim, if I got the chance.
I've had many chances.
We have no one but each other.
Zim has betrayed me.
Day 24
I forgot to write something yesterday.
But I can't remember what it is.
Day 25
My mind is clear today. Looking over the list I wrote, I remembered what I should add:
I am starving to death.
If I don't get out of here, I am going to die.
I have to get out of here.
I climbed the lamp today and searched the ceiling- it took everything I had, and to no avail. There is no door to this place, at least not one that I can find. I'm sure these men have raped me at least once, so there must be some way to get in and out; I know they keep me drugged, so there must be some way to get in and out.
But I can't find it.
I'm going to die here.
I miss you, Zim.
Day 26
I must stay awake. They won't come for me when I'm awake.
Day 30
The Irkens raped me again today. I have come to terms with such things.
I'm not as hungry as I was. Either I'm closer to death than I think or they took pity on me.
Day 33
The days are slipping by faster, now- sometimes I forget to write here, and I apologize to whoever happens to be reading.
Today would be an okay day- my mind is clear enough to think, and I'm not shaking as badly as I usually do. But I can hear the Irkens outside.
And so today is a bad day.
I miss you, Zim. Do you know what your kind is doing to me? Gaz will kill you when she finds out.
If she ever cares enough to find out where her brother went.
Day 40
Zim. I'm afraid I'm forgetting you. I miss you. Zim. Zim. Why can I hear your laugh, but not your voice...? Why can I see your eyes, but not your face...?
I wish I was on Irk. I don't want to be on Earth. I don't want to live here any longer. I hate being human.
I wish I was on Irk with you.
Day 41
I'm clearer today. Zim, I have to get out of here- for you. But I'm so tired.
I don't think I can remember what it feels like to walk farther than the length of this little, nine by nine room. I do remember running- Torque was behind us, wasn't he...?
But I have to keep trying. I have to keep scratching the plaster- tearing my nails out, painting the walls red with my desperate attempts. I know it's pointless, but I have to make it out, if only to tell you to your face that you're wrong.
Even if I can't remember what you're wrong about.
Day 44
Zim... I'm sure you were the last thing I saw before they threw me in here. That's why I can remember your voice, your gaze, but not Gaz's. I can't remember my own sister's eyes, but yours burn my psyche.
Zim, I miss you so much- it hurts more than the hunger. It numbs me more than the cold.
I hate you, Zim. You brought me here, didn't you?
Day 48
Zim, I see you everywhere. It's you who's raping me, here in this Irken prison. It's you.
But you're also the only thing that keeps me warm at night.
Day 50
I'm cold- it must be winter on the outside. I wonder if its snowing. Zim still hasn't come to see me. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever existed.
(A/N) NOT THE END. I'll have the second and final chapter up soon.
Please leave a review- I would love to hear your thoughts. :)