Veni Scripsi Vici

NOTES: Trust me to write a sympathetic angst piece from the point of view of the bad guy. This is my first (hopefully of many) Star Trek fics; read, review, and enjoy!

Let Me Forget

I disembark the Narada as I have done periodically for several years now. It will feel especially good to put my feet on solid ground this time, for this is one of the times when I dock in the port at home. After I officially release my crew for shore leave, we all divide up into shuttles, and before I know it, we're nearly to the surface of Romulus.

We dock at the terminal; I can hardly pay attention to the conversations of my crewmembers around me as we are cleared to exit the shuttle. I am the first one out and into the hallways of the terminal, leaving them behind, ready to leave them all behind for a few months; in a matter of minutes, I am going to see my family. Those I love most in the universe are waiting for me right now, those that I have not seen in nearly a year. We will never be separated again after this time; after my few months of leave, those months that will be the most blissful of my life to date, my most beloved will join me on my ship.

I am nearly running through the halls of the terminal, trying to find a particular room where she said they'd be waiting. In my haste to see them, I find myself getting almost totally lost, but I find this waiting room for crewmembers' families and friends; this one particular room that holds the family of the captain.

I burst through the door and there she is! My Danae is really there, a room's width away from me, looking so breathtakingly beautiful. I pause just inside the door, stunned by her very presence. She looks at me; when she sees me, her entire face suddenly exudes joy. She smiles so beautifully, and her eyes shine, undoubtedly with tears of happiness. There are other people here, waiting for members of my crew, sitting around us, but all I see is her. I'm smiling so widely it's almost painful, and just like her, I have joyful tears in my eyes.

Breaking out of my trance, I run to her, across the room, dropping my bag from my shoulder along the way. I throw my arms around her, gathering her up and spinning her around, so grateful to be able to actually touch her again. She giggles when I spin her; she keeps her arms around my neck as I put her down, close my eyes, and lean in to kiss her. It's such a beautiful feeling – to kiss my wife after being away for so long. It makes me feel like I don't know anything about the world, like I don't know anything about myself except that I love Danae with all my heart.

We come out of the kiss, standing as close together as we possibly can, her arms still around my neck and mine around her waist. We smile at each other, neither of us speaking; I don't think either of us can think of what to say. Finally, I stammer out a pathetic-sounding, "Hi…"

She giggles again, moving one hand to my cheek and saying, "I've missed that smile."

I give a blissful little laugh to match hers as she breaks out of my embrace, turning to pick up a little figure behind her. Though I thought my smile could not grow any wider, it does. Cradled in Danae's arms, her little head resting on her mother's shoulder, is our little girl. Hardly four years old, she is the pride of my soul, and as beautiful as her mother. She will be so loved on the ship; the crew already knows everything about her, the captain's daughter.

As my eyes come close to welling over with happiness, I silently open my arms. Danae moves to hand her to me; my darling child turns her head to look at her father, but… I don't understand – her sweet little face wrinkles up; she whines and recoils back from my hands. I assume it's because she hasn't seen me in so long; she's only small, after all… "It's okay, sweetie," I murmur gently. "Don't worry, it's just me. It's Daddy…"

There are tears rolling down my daughter's cheeks now. She shakes her head at my words and points a finger at me. "Face…" she whispers.

Wondering what has frightened her so, I turn to catch my reflection in a glass window. What I see disturbs me… There are intricate black markings covering my face – tattoos of mourning… I should not see such marks on my face; how has this happened? Suddenly, my view through the window changes from the outside of the terminal to a planet, my planet, surrounded by darkness, then engulfed completely by a bright, burning, scalding yellow light –

"No!" I awake, soaked in sweat and trembling in near-convulsions. The scream echoes endlessly from deep in my breast; it stabs at my ears and smothers me until it feels as though my throat might bleed. It chokes me – my breath abandons me and the infernal, cursed noise dies in my chest but remains in my ears, plaguing my mind with my own pain. Gasping for breath and still shaking painfully, I release myself from the sweat-drenched sheets and blankets and throw them from my bed. I lie still; the trembling keeps me from coordinated motion. My breath comes in agonized groans, raspy and sore from the scream, each one a sigh of love and a sob of despair for my sweet wife and for my child who never lived.

None of my crew, not even my first mate, will come to me after hearing my scream. They will not be concerned; not this time. They've had years to get used to my nightmares. I never shall, however; this pain will be with me, will be me, until my hour of death. It defines me now, and I loath and damn it. Do I care that my men no longer have concern or even wake up at the sounds of my midnight screams? No. It would not matter if any of them came to inquire, to comfort me – there is only one thing that I want, one unattainable thing. I want her to kiss me. I want her to kiss me as I lie here, so I can forget everything about the world, everything about myself, absolutely everything except that I love her with all my shattered heart.