The vast forests of the Kanto region were a sight to behold. The dense rows of trees which went on for miles were positively teeming with life, as the calls of many different species of Pokemon filled the air. The day was coming to a close and our heroes: Ash, Misty and Brock were all continuing their journey. They had been trekking through the forest for many hours and were beginning to tire.
"Ash can we pleeease stop and set up camp for the night?" Asked an exasperated Misty, wiping sweat from her brow, "we'll make it to Celedon City tomorrow ok? I want to sleep and I'm starving!" Ash Ketchum, being a sis het white male, took charge of the situation,
"Misty we can't stop now! We're almost there! Besides we're out of food!" Misty stopped dead in her tracks,
"Out of food?!" She shouted as she turned, lightly hitting Brock in the arm, "How could you possibly let that happen?!" Brock, who really hadn't been himself lately, said nothing looked back at Misty with a spiteful glare through his permanently closed eyes. Misty, not taking notice to Brock's clear distaste of her tone, continued,
"I even gave you money to buy more food back in Lavender city! What did you buy with it?" Brock didn't answer and just continued to glare. Brock!" She shouted again. Brock blinked repeatedly, as if breaking from a trance, and replied in monotone,
"Oh I uh...bought some personal stuff." Misty, now fuming with rage, dropped her bag and sat firmly on the ground.
"Are you really being that stubborn?" Ash asked, hands on his hips,
"Mmm Hmm" Misty nodded, arms crossed. The boys sighed as they too set down their bags, and began to set up camp.
Meanwhile…
The sprawling blue sky, interrupted only by the occasional puff of white cloud, hung above Goku as he sat and meditated, looking out at the ocean. Deep in concentration, Goku thought about all the trials which had faced in the past, and pondered what he may face in the future, that was until, his concentration was interrupted by a blinding flash. Goku shot his eyes skyward, where he saw the menacing Piccolo descend from the sky. He hopped to his feet.
"Begone Piccolo!" Piccolo slowly levitated down to his adversary's level, chuckling lightly,
"Begone? Really? That's all you have to say you cuck-munging fuck?" Goku looked down in shame, Piccolo was right, that was a pretty gay thing to say.
"Stand down Goku!" Stated a stoic Vegeta as he stepped out from behind a nearby boulder, where had been crouching in wait for like forty-five minutes, "me and Piccolo have joined forces to destroy you and take what is rightfully ours!" Goku looked back, stunned to see two of his most insidious foes joining forces,
"Vegeta?! Piccolo?! You're working together?!" Piccolo rolled his eyes and shook his colossal, avocado-coloured head,
"Yeah that's what he just said you dizzy shit!" Goku, now sick of being taunted, threw a fist at Vegeta, who was sent spiralling into the ocean screaming. Piccolo, having underestimated the fighter, flew at him with blinding speed, only to be met with an earth-shattering kick to the mouth. Piccolo fell to the floor, viscous blood pouring from his now missing teeth.
"What the hell?!" He said as he looked up at the awe-struck Goku. Vegeta, now having scaled the cliff, came up behind Goku and let loose a flurry of fists, all of which, Goku dodged with ease.
"How are you doing this!?" He screamed as he continued to swing and miss time and time again, growing increasingly frustrated. Goku, being just as confused as them, watched in disbelief as he ruthlessly delivered another devastating blow to both of his attackers, making them fall to their knees, battered and broken.
"How did you attain such power?" Piccolo managed through his broken jaw. Goku looked down at his hands and noticed that a soft golden glow surrounded him and amplified his already immense strength.
"I...don't know."
"I do!" spoke a thundering voice from the sky. The three fighters looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. Then the world shook as a blue portal opened with a crack of lightning.
"What the fu-" Vegeta's questioning was cut short when a golden, 1967 Mercedes s600 screeched through the portal and tore straight through the villains, spilling their blood and vital organs all over Goku and the surrounding area. He wiped the blood from his eyes as he looked on the scene in amazement. The car had turned two of his arch-enemies into nothing but a couple of mashed up cadavers, but the real question was of course...who was driving? The door flew open, releasing a cloud of smoke, further disguising the driver.
"Who...who are you?" asked a bewildered Goku.
"Who? Little ol' me?" asked a devilishly classy Jeff Goldblum as he strode from the cloud of smoke and stepped over Piccolo's still-spasming corpse, "I'm what you might call...uh...divine intervention." The god smiled and winked through his charcoal-tinted shades. Goku stepped back in fear, not knowing what else this being was capable of.
"What are you and what do you want?" The goldblum chuckled as he twirled his lavish golden cane in his hand and began to circle Goku, clearly intrigued.
"I'm...just passing through and couldn't help but uh… notice your little skirmish here. So I did what was only natural and decided to help out...those two were bad news." He looked down at the corpses dismissively.
"You're...not of this world...are you?" The Goldblum smiled and straightened his flawless black suit, sown from the finest egyptian silk.
"No. I am beyond it and every other world." Jeff walked over to Goku and snapped his fingers which immediately wiped all the blood from the fighter, leaving his gi completely spotless.
"Word around the multiverse is you like fighting...what if I told you I could uh...plop you into a land that does nothing but celebrate Violence?" A smile crossed Goku's face.
"Such a land exists?" The Goldblum nodded, snapping his fingers to open another howling blue potal,
"Just step inside kiddo…"
"No!" shouted a protesting Master Roshi, hobbling as fast as he could to meet up with Goku, "You don't know what this being wants! It could be a trick!" The Goldblum thought for a moment, they were right to be suspicious of him...he had to win the old man's trust. He closed his eyes and looked into Roshi's mind...probing for his desires. Then his eyes shot open and his priceless smile became visible again,
"There are unattended small children in this world." Roshi's mind ran wild with possibilities.
"Oh...well in that case it can't hurt to look." The Goldblum let out his trademarked laugh straight from the helicopter scene in jurassic park,
"Step inside!" Roshi hastily rushed to the portal with Goku in tow. The Goldblum smiled, this is where the fun begins.
Meanwhile…
Ash, Brock and Misty all sat around the now dying campfire, tummies rumbling as a result of their lack of food.
"I'm starving!" Moaned an agitated Ash Ketchum as he fought the urge to devour his increasingly delectable Pikachu. Misty rolled her eyes,
"If it weren't for Brock's reckless spending we would be eating right now." She turned to look at Brock who sat quietly but restlessly, having enough of Misty's attitude.
"Why don't you come with me and collect some fruit from the woods with me Misty? Since you're so hungry and all?" Misty stood up and nodded,
"Good idea Brock!" The two hastily moved into the woods. Ash sat alone for what seemed to be hours before he eventually drifted off to sleep. Metallic clanks woke him from his slumber, he looked up in a tired haze, unsure of just how much time had passed.
"You hungry?" Brock asked, holding up a bag of fresh fillets. Ash sprang up from his bed, awestruck,
"Wow! Where did you get all that food brock?" Brock walked away and didn't answer, instead tossing a log into the dying fire, making it spark to life once more. Ash smiled and excitedly moved out of his tent.
"Where's Misty?" Ash asked, scanning the camp around them,
"She had to go. We'll be with her again soon." Brock said calmly, smiling as he began to roast the meat over the fire. Ash sat next to brock and let the sweet aroma of the cooking meat fill his nose. He was starving. Minutes passed, Brock let the freshly cooked flesh fall unto Ash's plate who immediately took a savoury bite. Ash, now several bites in, took a moment to analyze the meal's flavour. It was rough, and tasted much like pork.
"Great job Brock!" Ash said as he finished his meal. Brock smiled for the first time in days,
"Thanks Hsa" Brock said as his eye twitched, "I mean Ash." He smiled again, less wide this time. Brock, after finishing his slice of meat, reached into his vest and pulled out a little baggie.
"What's that Brock?" Ash asked as he took a sip of some water, examining the small objects in the bag, unable to make out it's contents, "Some sort of seasoning?" Brock smiled again before turning back to ash,
"Nope! It's Misty's teeth!"
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Who's that Pokemon?!
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It's Sonic!
A portal opened and out tumbled Goku and Master Roshi. The two men looked up in shock as a beautiful red bird flew through the sky, leaving a trail of sparkles behind it. Goku, being an ornithophile, screamed wildly as his gi tore into a gazillion pieces, falling to the grass below. A blinding light surrounded him as he continued to scream and go super saiyan.
"Holy fucking shit!" screamed master Roshi as he fell to the ground, only to watch helplessly as Goku rocketed into the air after the bird. A furious Goku positively tore through the air, gaining on the legendary bird fast.
"
Нет, не атакуй меня! Этот ребенок там нуждается в помощи, на него нападает людоед!" Screamed a defiant Ho-oh as Goku jammed his saiyan cock straight into his birdie asscrack. Goku thrusted and thrusted, tearing away at the legendary pokemon's internal organs, making them nothing more than a pulverized meaty fluid. Now that his prey was liquified, Goku puckered his lips and sucked the meat-shake surprise out from Ho-oh's anal cavity. Goku licked his lips as the mix of organs and feces poured into his mouth.
"MMMMMM!" Proclaimed a satisfied Saiyan.
Back on the ground, Master Roshi was left in his lonesome, searching desperately for the children he was promised. Overhill and underhill he did travel until finally...he saw a frantic Ash Ketchum bathed in blood, running from a man with a fork in hand. Master Roshi knew what he had to do. He pulled out his patented hatchet and tossed it square into Brock's forehead, killing him instantly. Ash stopped to catch his breath.
"Thank you! So much! He was going to fucking kill me!" Roshi smiled and put his hand on Ash's shoulder in a comforting fashion.
"There there kiddo…" Just as Roshi was going to go in for the kill, his ankle bracelet monitor sparked to life and electrocuted him, as he was within ten feet of an unattended minor, contrary to his parole and california state law. He toppled to the floor as Ash continued to run away.
"Get back here you little TEASE!" Screamed a furious Roshi, unaware of the Cacnea who approached his posterior.
"Cacnea!" Screamed cacnea as he fisted Roshi repeatedly. Screams filled the air as the old man's blood stained the grass. The Goldblum looked down from the heavens quizzically,
"What a...uh..an interesting turn of events!" He said as he filled his glass with champagne. The trickster laughed as he looked down at the continued fisting of master Roshi. He began tapping his foot...the rhythmic impalement and resulting screams from Roshi was quite the beat...perfect for his new jazz album. The Goldblum smiled as he made his way over to his pristine white grand piano, setting his glass on the marble countertop. The Goldblum sang and played beautiful melodies all through the night, his killer jams and tunes all based around the fisting. For hours it went on and the people did rejoice. The Goldblum is good indeed.