I finished reading a story about Alice's shopping habits and decided to try one.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned. They are all the property of Stephenie Meyers. I am simply borrowing them for the story.
It was just about an hour away and Bella was on the verge of collapse. It was 11 p.m. on a Saturday. She had gotten barely two hours of sleep but she had just spent the last two weeks planning this devilish prank. Of course, she meant no genuine harm but Alice was immortal so a prank or two couldn't possibly hurt her in any physical sense. She did make sure that her plot to drive Alice Cullen up the wall couldn't be compromised. She had the plans written in her own secret code to make it hard for Alice to predict her future actions. Bella also took care to smear garlic on the padlock to the chest containing the plans so it'd be painful for Alice to pry open. The idea had popped into her head because Alice, the biggest shopaholic west of the Mississippi, made the mistake of getting an Amex Centurion card. She was driving Carlisle up the wall when he found out about the annual $3,000 membership fee. On the other hand, she threatened to mutiny if deprived of her ability to shop till she dropped. Carlisle decided to risk it but, to his absolute horror, the creditors at Amex LOVED Alice. They decided to send her the fercrissakes thing for FREE! He had not been the same ever since and swore that he was now slowly becoming mortal. He recalled with horror the day the card arrived. So loudly did Alice shriek with delight that Esme wound up having to replace half of the house's windows because they were cracked. Bella's father, Charlie, knowing her scary shopping addiction, immediately asked Bella to get as much garlic as possible from the local store. It had nothing to do with Edward. In fact, he had come to accept him because he saved Bella's life. Charlie planned to smear it around the windows upstairs to keep Alice away. Alice wouldn't be deterred so easily for she had seen a vision of him sending her to the store for garlic. Bella forgetting to tell Charlie about Alice's visions was a fatal mistake on her part. Worse, Alice made sure she wore plastic gloves and goggles each time she sneaked over so she could pry open Bella's window.
Bella shuddered when she remembered THAT visit. Alice was so hyper that Bella wondered if there was such thing as caffeinated blood. Hmm, might have to get that patented. I'm sure there are other vampires who could use it. She was lying in bed, trying to catch up on homework when Alice burst into the room. "Damn it, Alice!" she screamed, falling off the bed. "You could be nice enough to text me before you show up!" "Oh, don't be a fuddy duddy!" She was trembling with delight and holding something black in her hand. Bella swore her friend's feet had not touched the floor the whole time. "Um, what is that in your hand?" "Oh, they finally sent it to me, isn't it cool!?" She tossed it at her. Bella stared. It was real, the card was solid titanium and pretty hefty. Bella realized her time in hell was going to begin pretty soon. If she was lucky, she might be able to find Charlie's service revolver and shoot herself before the shopping season began. Alice was now a blur and all Bella could see was stuff flying everywhere. She ignored Bella, who groaned "Alice. What… the… frig… are… you… doing?" She finally came across it: the one thing Bella prized most: her Nokia phone. It might sound like a trivial thing but Bella was, in some ways, like the other teenage girls at Forks High. She couldn't live or breathe without her cell phone. Charlie was still mad at her for accidentally destroying two cell phones and told her if she broke this one, it was bye-bye cell phone. Alice flashed an evil grin. "Bella, have you heard of Metrotown? It's just awesome!" Bella's heart nearly stopped. Living in Washington, no teenage girl would pass up a chance to go there. It was across the border but that didn't deter the die-hard shoppers like Alice. Situated in the heart of Burnaby, it was one of the biggest shopping malls in the world. Alice tossed the brochure on the bed. Uh oh! Bella thought. She didn't have time to process the next thought because Alice beat her to it. "You have a new assignment. You are to memorize the location of the mall. We will set aside two days (TWO?! Holy s***!) to shop. You will not need your truck. I'll bring the truck around." Bella thought for a second that her heart had skipped a beat or two. (Truck? She can't be serious.) Alice patted her on the cheeks, her icy palms snapping Bella out of her mind-wandering thoughts. "Bella, I know you want to be one of us pretty badly. I have some good juicy photos that will keep poor Edward from doing that if you don't do what I tell you." Bella glared. What could she possibly have that would make Edward… Alice read her thoughts and beat her to it again. She tossed the videotape on the bed. "And don't think about burning it. I have several copies as insurance. Oh, and if you *conveniently* oversleep or forget to be dressed and ready by 3 a.m…" "EXCUSE ME!? 3 AM!?" Bella shouted. Alice ignored her again. "I'll run over the phone with my car." Bella glared. "I'll smear garlic on your precious card and your BMW if you…" Alice beat her to it again. (Damn it! Is there anything she doesn't know?) "Remember the party we attended in Port Angeles?" "Yeah. So, they were serving beer but I didn't drink any. Remember?" Bella wondered where she was going with this. "I recall that your bikini was the perfect shade for Photoshopping." Bella's stomach dropped out. Damn, shouldn't have worn the light brown swimsuit but I had nothing else available that day. Alice tossed a manila envelope on the bed. She dared herself to peak at one of the pics. (Oh, my, God. Jacob and Eric will murder each other for just one picture.) For a solid minute, Bella was too stunned to speak. She grumbled "You win. I'll be up at whatever time you want." Alice actually jumped up and crushed her in a bear hug, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Owww! My arms!" "Oops, sorry. Can't help it, you know, vampire powers! Hee hee! Don't forget, 3 a.m. sharp! See ya!"
Bella's arms were still sore from Alice's bear hug. She even felt some pain in her back. Pushing the button on her Baby-G watch, she groaned. The lit face declared it was 2:35 a.m. Alice probably would be here early. A knock on the window snapped her attention away from the watch. Damn. "Um Alice, it's a bit too early…" Alice glared at her and waved the envelope. Bella hung her head and meekly crawled out. Little did Alice know that, Forks being a tiny town, Bella had intercepted the mail before it could reach Jacob and Eric. She burned the photos but replaced them with cheap baseball cards so Alice wouldn't be the wiser. Alice picked her up and hoisted her on her back. She ran to the north section of town where the vehicle was waiting. Bella couldn't believe it. "Alice, you can't be serious." "I am." She dropped her and climbed into the massive Ryder truck. "Does Carlisle know about…" "Yep but he won't do anything about it." "Okay. That's it. Give me my phone so I can call and make sure you haven't done anything to him." Alice sighed but wouldn't let Bella have everything her way. She dialed the house and held it out. Bella struggled for a few minutes while Esme sounded like a fool going "Who is this? Um, Bella? Is that you?" Alice's fingers might as well have been carved from solid steel. Bella gave up trying to pry her phone out of Alice's hand and pressed her ear up against it. "Oh, hi Esme. I just wanted to talk to Carlisle." "Oh, don't worry, he's fine." "No, Esme. Put him on the phone NOW." To her surprise, Esme didn't argue and heard the phone clunk on the kitchen counter as she ran to get him. "Oh, Bella! Don'tworryaboutanything! Youtwogoandhavefun!" Something was wrong, he was TOO chipper and was talking too quickly. Before Bella could say anything else, Alice hung up. "Hey! He was talking…" "Nope, I'm not stupid. I've had plenty of time to plan for this." (Yeah, right. And so have I.)
The drive was uneventful except for the occasional state trooper that Alice evaded. Bella gaped, wondering how the vampire could maneuver such a huge, bulky truck around like a go-kart. Alice read her thoughts and said "I had someone modify it a bit so it can go faster. The truck has new tires, a stiffer suspension and the guy even turbocharged the engine! We'll cut our driving time by two hours!" Bella felt her stomach grumble. Alice wouldn't even let her eat. "Um, Alice. Still human." Alice sighed, knowing Bella was right. She'd be dead weight (no pun intended) if she didn't eat and this was going to be a two-day shopping spree. Still, she wanted to be past the Canadian border before sunrise. Fortunately, they predicted three days of rain so it wouldn't give away her vampire qualities easily. She had taken time to smear on some thick makeup. She also applied it to her hands. It would help mask the sparkling skin if the sun hit her (a/n: why didn't the Cullens do this when Forks didn't have rainy days?).
It was going to be a massive shopping season and the cars were already piling up at the border. She pulled into a Racetrac station but wasn't taking any chances. "Ow, wow! Please lighten the grip a little. You know I can't outrun you even if I drove the stupid ugly truck!" Alice's fingers felt like a steel vise. "You are getting take-out. No exceptions." Bella groaned, her plan had gone out the window. Alice tightened the grip again. "Ow! Why?" "That's your punishment for thinking about escaping. If you think of any more escape attempts, I'm sending another copy of those pics to an address you won't want to know." Bella gaped and finally, hung her head as they stepped inside. Back in the truck, she sheepishly munched on her scrambled egg and ham biscuit and burned her lips on the coffee while Alice loudly cursed the traffic clogging the border. It didn't help either that Alice had a vision of long lines leading to Metrotown. It took them nearly 40 minutes to get past the border patrol but they were finally on their way up Highway 1 into Burnaby. Bella finished her breakfast and immediately went to sleep. Alice pulled left on Kingsway and finally, they reached Metrotown. She shook Bella awake. Bella groaned. NEVER in her life had she seen so much traffic. The cars and buses were backed up from Marlborough to Randoph Ave. They couldn't even go one city block off the highway. Alice inched forwards, gritting her teeth as they waited for the traffic to enter the parking lot. 19 minutes later, they were finally inside. The guard directing traffic tried to stop her. "Ma'am. You cannot park that here." Alice jumped from the cab and got VERY close to him. He saw her eyes up close and backed off with a whimper. She climbed back in and drove around the lot, looking for a parking spot. Fortunately, some fool had chosen to drive, of all things, a MINI COOPER (A/N: nothing against MINIs; I own one and so does Kristen Stewart!). She bumped the car out of the parking spot with the truck and shut the engine off. Before they got going, Alice had one last important thing to do. She reached under the seat and pulled out two cans of Red Bull. Bella rolled her eyes. "Alice, I don't think it works on vampires." "Who said I was going to drink it?" Bella's eyes nearly fell out. She tried to open the door but, in one second, Alice had her seatbelt to hold her down. She pinned her by sitting in her lap and pried her head back. Cracking open the first can, she forced the contents down Bella's throat. After letting out a small belch, Bella groaned, wondering how hard she would crash tonight. Alice immediately popped the second open and poured it down her throat, threatening to bite her if she resisted any further. "Trust me, you're gonna need it." She then kissed her on the cheek and leaped out of the cab. "And if you vomit it up, I have some spare cans in the cargo bay." Bella meekly followed the pixie vampire to the entrance.
Bella groaned. It was still dark outside but there was already a crowd at the entrance because it was the post-New Year's sale and Alice was the only one with an Amex Centurion card. Even Carlisle's deep pockets were going to ache when the bill came. Bella groaned and did some math in her head, trying to calculate the damage Alice might do. Carlisle would have a massive headache for sure. Esme would be begging the creditors for mercy. Maybe telling a story to the Volturi or Aro would make them come assassinate Alice. A sharp jab in the ribs broke her concentration. She realized she was looking at the ground and meekly turned to her left. Alice's eyes said it all: she knew what was going through her mind and she mouthed the word: pictures. Bella fumed and redirected her glare to the ground. Her knees and hands were shaking violently as the Red Bull began to kick in.
Even though the mall would be opening two hours early, she was pretty high up north and freezing her butt off. Alice had yanked her from the room so quickly that she had forgotten her jacket. Alice being dead, Bella couldn't hug her to warm up so she stood with her hands in her tight jeans and trembled violently. Even if she was alive, Bella wouldn't hug her for warmth. She didn't need people thinking she was a Lesbian. She did see some people curiously staring because Alice wasn't exhaling fog from her mouth like the others. It was only 30 degrees and Alice wasn't shivering in her T-shirt and shorts either, attracting more stares. The silly girl could have at least tried to dress to blend in. After all, being dead, she wouldn't sweat like a pig running around all the shops. Alice's watch finally hit 7:00 and a man unlocked the doors. The shoppers kicked the door in, running him over. With an iron hand clamped on Bella's wrist, Alice used her vampire strength to shove past a few of them. Once inside, she yanked Bella to the first shop, Saks Fifth Avenue. Bella groaned. Alice didn't even hesitate. If she saw something that she liked, her only rule was: is it a New Year's sale item? If it was, she bought it. She was there for only about 9 minutes before Alice yanked her out the door. They never skipped any stores. Alice wanted to see it all: T2 Jewelry, Urban Planet, Reitman's, Belts & buckles, American Apparel, Lucky Jeans, Coach (where she literally bought half the store), Payless Shoes, Oakley and Bebe. They hit every store, winding their way in a counterclockwise direction: HMV music and video, Sterling Shoes, Champs sporting goods, Merle Norman cosmetics, Nike, Coast Mountain sporting goods, Avanti Jewelers and Off the Wall. Alice, to Bella's surprise, even hit Sears in case there were a few tools Carlisle could use in the house. American Express would give its employees the day off after Alice left the mall.
Bella felt herself slowing down. She was on the verge of collapse. Unfortunately, Alice had foreseen this. To Bella's horror, the pixie had another spare can in her purse the whole time. "Mommy, why is she making her drink that?" one kid asked as the vampire clamped an iron hand around the girl's throat and shoved another Red Bull down. The mother, having had bad experiences with the drink, shuddered. She simply ran, basically dragging her daughter with her. Bella felt sick. Because Alice had forced the drink down her throat, the expanding carbonated gases hadn't dissipated. It expanded and she felt like she was going to vomit. Wait, she WAS going to vomit. Bella charged for the first trash can she could see. Her throat felt like flaming gasoline was being ejected as she hurled all the Red Bull up. She nearly collapsed but Alice caught her by the neck. She popped open another can… Bella wished she HAD died trying to ride that motorcycle with Jacob.
The pandemonium went on for what felt like years. Bella found herself struggling to keep up because Alice didn't get tired. She had already burned all the calories from breakfast and was now burning any minute trace of fat left. Only the Red Bull was keeping her from collapsing on the floor. She calculated that her weight had dropped two pounds already because her stomach was growling again. Alice had forced her to skip lunch. They had been going full throttle, nonstop for nearly four hours flat. Alice had JUST finished the sublevel and ground floor. She also was running out of space to carry the bags. She told Bella to rent a cart and take them to the truck, painfully squeezing her wrist to warn her not to try running off. Bella meekly nodded. While Alice terrorized the shopkeepers at Nine West, Bella grunted, tossing the bags into the back of the truck. She estimated that Alice had already hit five-digit numbers on the credit card. It didn't matter, American Express was singing soprano. She heard her cell phone ring. "Bellawherethefrigareyou?!" "Alice, I already put the stuff in the…" She cut her off. "Getyourbutttothesecondfloornowanddon'ttryanythingstupid!" She immediately hung up. Bella groaned. Inspiration struck. Would Alice dare miss the other specials and chase her down? She thought and hemmed and hawed, trying to estimate the odds of death. The risk was massive but she couldn't continue at this rate. This would be enough to scare her off of shopping for eternity. Inspiration struck. She could simply find a fast car to steal. Bella had seen a few stupid car movies and Charlie had dealt with carjacking cases before so she wasn't in the dark about boosting a car.
Walking along the ground level, she searched for a plain-Jane car since the pricey ones would be more likely to have a security ignition cutoff device. She finally came across a well maintained white Chevy pickup. Desperate times called for desperate measures so she used her purse to smash in the window of the cab. Tearing out the ignition with a hammer the fool had left in the bed, she stripped the wires with a nail clipper and tied them together. The truck caught and she peeled out of the parking lot, trying her best to repeat that stupid old song by Right Said Fred. It would make it harder for Alice to read her mind. She stomped on the gas pedal and beat a hasty exit out onto the highway. Still angry at Alice, another idea popped into her head. She found her cell phone and dialed. "Hello? American Express? My name is Alice Cullen…"
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