EXIT
Disclaimer: I do not own Cyberchase, nor any of its characters. I don't own the song lyrics, either.
Warning: I wrote this a VERY long time ago, and never posted it, so please forgive me. I just thought I'd better upload something. Also, this has only been edited about once since I wrote it… I couldn't be bothered to do it again right now. And one last thing: this is probably quite OOC, so just a warning for that as well… I haven't seen Cyberchase in who knows how long, as well, no channels here show it anymore.
But anyway – try to enjoy it, it's the only thing I've posted for a long time, after all.
The song lyrics in this are from the song Exit by U2. Even though I don't really like U2 anymore. Oh dear.
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Once… I had a life...
Once, I had a job – though I must admit it wasn't much of one - that gave me a purpose in life, a reason to exist. But then something happened that changed my world dramatically - it was as if the sky had come crashing down upon my head.
Now I don't know where I'm heading. I'm drifting from place to place, hoping that somehow everything is going to be all right. But that hope is in vain; nothing will ever be the same again. Familiar voices, familiar faces – I haven't glimpsed one of those for ages. I haven't seen my friends, or my enemies, for that matter.
I growled at a stranger who looked at me sideways, and he quickly crossed the street and continued walking on the other side. It was an insult of the highest order – though I must admit I wasn't the nicest sight in the world, nor the nicest robot to meet right now. I always did that these days; I couldn't trust anyone.
Squinting in the dull light of the fading of the day, I looked up at the tightly gathered clouds above, and as I did so it began to rain, perfectly matching my mood. Ducking into an inviting doorway, I slumped down on the cold concrete and folded my arms, a frown on my face. I hated rain; for some reason I rusted more easily than Delete –
No. I shook my head, forcing myself not to think of that brother of mine, closing my eyes desperately. Tears pricked at my eyelids. I had never been susceptible to bursting into tears, so why the heck was I now? What had I turned into, some kind of wimpy robot?
Without permission an image of my younger brother appeared in my mind's eye. But after what he'd said to me, I had doubts that he was wimpy. He hadn't really stood up to me before, at least not as I can remember.
After that fateful night when I was thrown out of all I knew, I'd had nightmares every single time I went to sleep. There was no peaceful rest for me. So, forced to sleep by my tiredness, I witnessed them every time I let myself rest. I hadn't slept for a couple of days now; how I longed for that nice warm bed I used to have! All I had now was hard concrete and old newspapers to sleep on.
You know he got the cure, but then he went astray
He used to stay awake to drive the dreams he had away
He wanted to believe in the hands of love
A young woman glanced concernedly at me as I stared almost vacantly at the mist-wreathed street, this time not bothering to look up at her, let alone growl threateningly. Her gaze only fell on me for a single moment - looking away, she hurried past, eager to get out of the rain. She would inevitably forget about the robot sitting alone in a doorway, looking hopelessly into the rain-filled afternoon. No one ever remembered.
Sensible Flats was quiet; since the light was almost gone it wasn't safe to be outside with people much like me out and about. Not that I ever hurt anyone; I couldn't really see the recreational or profitable value in the action. The worst thing I have ever done is steal food when I was close to death from starvation.
That reminded me. Food. Even though the rain hadn't ceased, only pounded down harder, I stepped out into the dusty street again and looked around for some kind of source of food. There was a couple down the road who put out food for the poor every night; maybe I could make it there before the others ate it all.
I began to run. Due to much exercise and days without food, I no longer found it difficult to move faster than a walk. However, I mourned the loss of the supply of donuts… It almost made me start to sob again at this thought.
The wind had come up. It lashed the rain into my eyes as I had just about reached the doorstep; there was the plate full of leftover food. Clustered around it were the strays of Sensible Flats – tattered drifters who were either sad ghosts of their former selves, or untrustworthy criminals. Many of them were robots.
His head it felt heavy as he cut across the land
A dog started crying like a broken hearted man
At the howling wind, the howling wind
As I drew closer more than a few of them spat at me; since it was well-known that I used to work for the most hated villain in all of Cyberspace, this was not uncommon. Ignoring their spiteful comments, I found an empty space and grabbed at a chunk of bread sticking out from underneath a half-eaten chicken leg. I had learned that it was eat or die; once I had turned up my nose at these conditions under which I now obtained food. Therefore I had nearly starved.
Snarling viciously at a cruel-looking robot whose claw-like hands scrabbled at my own, I took off with the bread, settled in another doorway and ate it slowly. Water I could now easily obtain, thanks to the rain. Cupping my hands underneath a spluttering drainpipe, I then drank my fill and set off again, searching for somewhere to sleep for the night.
The stars had now come out; I had had no idea how much time had passed since I looked at the sky last. They were cold and unforgiving, like the freezing winter nights I had become used to. Shrugging and forcing my hands into my worn pockets, I wandered into the middle of the road and sauntered along the dirt track, listening to the silence surrounding me.
He went deeper into black - deeper into white
He could see the stars shine like nails in the night
Suddenly I saw something in the corner of my eye: two people sitting on their wooden veranda, horses tethered to the nearest post, not caring that this was a dangerous time to be outside. It seemed they were a couple; they were staring longingly into each other's eyes, arms around each other. The man was whispering to his lover, and she was smiling, face glowing with joy and happiness.
Their love for one another hurt me deeply, and I swallowed, hard, past the lump in my throat that had suddenly formed. A tear, unbidden, slid down my cheek slowly, and I lifted my hand without knowing to wipe it softly away. They couldn't see me, hidden in the darkness. And though my heart was breaking beneath my cold demeanor, I couldn't tear myself away. Why was I denied love, no matter what kind it may be? Why, why, WHY couldn't I just be normal again?
He felt the healing, healing, healing, healing hands of love,
Like the star that is shining from above
Still I could not move, captivated by the one thing I had been forbidden to experience ever again. It was all because I had messed up. It had been entirely my fault; I had almost gotten us all killed with that dangerous stunt. Unable to take the humiliation of the defeat I had caused, the boss had taken it all out on me and my brother – but mostly Delete. It was the worst thing I have ever had to live through; he had never been that angry before.
When he left to supposedly calm down, Delete turned on me. Yes, my own sweet, innocent brother. Shouting at me in the loudest voice I have ever heard him speak, he just about ripped my heart in half with all the hurtful things he said. I admit that I deserve it. I hold no hatred for him. He was doing something he should have done so long ago. I wish I'd been nicer to him at times in the years we worked together. Maybe then things would have turned out differently.
I turned away from the heart-wrenching sight, and continued on, down the road, stumbling occasionally as I came across puddles that drenched me in icy water up to my knees. Wincing at the biting cold, I half-jogged blindly, pressing on. I didn't know where I was going anymore.
Then, suddenly, I halted, right there in the middle of the street, the rain beating on my head rhythmically. If that kind of thing was blocked from me, was there a point for my existence? Did I ever make a difference in the world?
Not likely. You're lower than a worm right now.
I hated that voice in the back of my head. God, how I hated it. But with that hate was the knowledge of truth. I was lower than a worm. I never made a difference, only made everyone else hate me.
"Shut up," I said finally, loudly, heart pounding with the realization that there was no point. My voice sounded harsh and shrill to my ears – I hadn't spoken for a long time. But that nasty voice still nagged at the back of my brain.
Just go and do what you have to do. Do us all a favor. The world will be a better place.
"Shut up…" I whispered, though I knew that it was probably right. I looked around for some way out – surely there was an easy way to end this ongoing nightmare. But somehow I guessed that it wasn't that simple. There was nothing just lying around to let me end it all.
I started walking again. Perhaps if I just kept going I might fall off the edge and plunge to a painless death. It might take a few hours; it might take a few days to get there. I didn't really care, to tell you the truth. I didn't even care if I starved before I did.
Now I was beginning to shiver in the freezing rain. If I was lucky I might get sick and die…though that was a very long shot. Berating myself for being so silly, I stepped under the shelter of an overhanging roof, still shaking slightly. Water dripped off my antennae, trickled down my face in clear rivulets. My ragged clothes, baggy since I had lost so much weight, clung to me damply.
It was almost impossible to keep warm. Huddling myself in the nearest corner, I tried to keep myself awake for a while longer in case I spotted something. And indeed, I did.
There was the sheriff's office just a few doors down. There was her belt hanging on the chair…with a pistol jammed into the holster. Sheriff Judy was in the next room. Perfect. Within a few seconds I was in there, drawing the weapon and darting out again without making a noise. I couldn't believe she didn't see me - and she was supposed to control crime! Bah.
Snorting derisively, I returned to my shelter and looked down at the gun cradled in my hands, a slight smile on my face. The pistol shone dully in the light coming from the nearby window. It was amazing that something so simple could be a weapon - it was merely a lump of metal.
My smile faded as a thought suddenly came to me. I was a lump of metal too. More complex, yes, with wires and circuits…but in the end we were just the same. Frightening in the realization that we could both kill or hurt. Amazing that though we didn't look it, we could accomplish those things.
Pushing these contemplative thoughts aside, I fingered the trigger and picked the pistol up, hefting the gun in my hand experimentally. It was quite heavy, heavier than I had originally thought.
He put his hands in the pocket
His finger on the steel
The pistol weighed heavy
Why all this sidetracking? I got up slowly and walked haltingly to the middle of the street. No one would want blood all over their doorstep, even less a corpse. Better I die in the middle of the street, in the dirt where I belonged.
Raising the pistol, I slowly pressed the end to the side of my head, preparing to fire and end my bitter existence.
But somehow I couldn't do it. Cursing this weakness, I forced my trembling finger to start pressing down on the trigger. My heart was throbbing in my ears, shaking me; in a second it would be all over and I would be dead.
His heart he could feel
Was beating, beating, beating
Taking one last deep breath, I took a final look around and closed my eyes tight, awaiting the loud BANG that would end my life. My finger pressed harder. Rain was dripping like sweat down my forehead. I clenched my teeth in preparation for the recoil, the sharp pain that would follow –
Then I remembered what the man was whispering to his lover. Something so beautiful, put in such simple words…
Oh my love - oh my love - oh my loveI recalled this, held it there firmly in my mind, as I finally pressed home the trigger. Expectant, tense, smiling grimly, I felt the gun shudder as it in my hand –
"NO!"
The firing pistol was knocked out of my grasp, and the bullet shot off into the rain-washed sky, missing me entirely.
He saw the hands that build could also pull down
Angry beyond reason, blinded both by hot tears of fury, and the cold rain that was still running down my face, I whirled to face the source of this sudden halt and began to yell.
"What the hell were - "
I was interrupted by something latching onto me and knocking me to the ground, into the mud. It splashed all over me and the person who had jumped on me, but I didn't care at that moment. All I could do was stare incredulously at them, disbelief etched in every line of my face.
"Buzz!" the familiar voice squeaked, and I was engulfed by two light teal arms throwing themselves around me. Through the pouring rain I glimpsed a face I had woken up to for almost every day. A couple of tears slipped down my cheek as I stared incredulously. I didn't even notice.
"Delete?!" I swallowed. "What the heck are youse doing here? I thought you were angry at me."
"Not anymore, Buzzy." There was a grin spread all over his face. "I'm just so glad that I've finally found you, 'cos I thought you might be, uh… dead..."
"I think you came just in time," I grimaced, tilting my head in the direction where the gun lay in the mud. The grin faded from his face as he looked down at me concernedly.
"Buzz…why were you tryin' to – to shoot yourself?"
"Well…" I shrugged, looking down to avoid his gaze. "Life didn't seem to be worth livin' anymore..."
"Promise me you'll never do it again?"
"Never." I paused. "Why are you here?"
It was his turn to look down at his hands. "Uh…the boss wanted you back 'cos he couldn't find another assistant…an' he sent me to find you…" Delete half-blushed. "I didn't want to go 'cos I was still mad an' all, but then I saw the kind of people out on the streets - " he shuddered. "I really didn't want that to happen to you."
Suddenly tears sprang to life in his eyes as he drew back and surveyed me with that pure stare. "I can't believe I let this happen - " he wailed, and then grabbed me and hugged me again, so tightly he was almost choking me.
"Delete – please – let go – " I gagged, flailing my arms and trying to push him off. "You're – strangling – me – "
He flinched backwards, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry…"
"It's all right." I patted his shoulder fondly, feeling a grin start to form on my own face.
"You're so skinny…" His lower lip wobbled, and for a moment I thought he was going to throw himself on me again. Somehow, to my relief, he managed to restrain himself.
"I know. I haven't had a donut in ages…" I groaned wistfully.
"I'll get you as many as you want, as long as you come home!" He looked hopefully at me.
Thinking of Hacker, I hesitated. "'Da boss…does he really want me back?"
"Yeah…" The younger android nodded his head, eyes still on me.
"And you?"
"I really want you to come back to the Wreaker." His tone was pleading now.
"So do I." I smiled, knowing what decision I was going to make. "I'm gonna come with you."
"Oh, Buzzy!" he squealed again, and hugged me once more. This time I returned the gesture, patting his back and closing my eyes in contentment.
Once up, Delete offered a golden-yellow hand to me. With the rain still dripping off the both of us, I took it and together we walked down the road, talking. It looked like there was hope after all. Delete was no longer angry with me. The boss was taking me back. I no longer had to sleep on the cold, hard ground, or eat from trash cans or fight with the other stray robots. I could become social again, instead of hiding myself from the world. I could have that nice, warm bed, and I could finally have donuts again! Even though it would cost me my agility, I didn't care. As long as I became myself once more, it didn't matter.
The pistol was left there in the middle of the street, along with my fear and bitterness, still gleaming dully through the mud.
The hands of love