Fifteen Years Ago:

Raven clutched the straps that hung across her shoulders that attached her rucksack. Her black hair was up in a single ponytail and she hated the tugging feeling that came along with it but kept it in despite the discomfort. She could see the school up in the distance and her first instinct was to run the other way but her pudgy hand was intertwined with her mother's, not allowing her to make any sort of escape.

Her mother walked slowly to allow Raven's own short legs to keep up the pace as they walked. As they made their way towards their destination she could observe the other children headed the same direction. They all smiled with their teeth and skipped ahead of their parents laughing and catching up with others like them.

Raven cocked her head to the side in confusion, she never quite understood the way those other children could simply befriend each other in a few moments. She couldn't think of a reason herself but she did know that it wasn't easy for her like it was for others. Raven always felt discomfort around them and didn't grasp the concept like other kids seemed to. Every single one of them appeared to naturally be able to make friends. Raven didn't feel left out however, up until now she had her mother to reassure and spend time with her. She liked it just being her and her mom. It was easy and it was never upsetting like it was with other people.

That must have been why Raven's tummy felt like flutterflies (really the word was butterflies, but her mom had always called them flutterflies. Normally Raven wouldn't have called something by anything but it's official name but her mother used the term so often she couldn't help picking it up) She would be without her mother for the first time in her life. Even when her mother went to work at the dentist office Raven was brought along and given permission to play in the children's playroom which rarely contained any other kids. If it ever did she simply joined her mother at the front desk where she worked and occupied herself with paperclips or books she brought from her home.

Needless to say, leaving her mother for the unfair reason of going to school was not something she was particularly keen on. It didn't feel good in her mind.

"Are you OK Rae?" Her mother asked in her usual kind voice.

"Mm." She replied with a small smile, she didn't want her mom to be worried. If she seemed sad she might make her mother feel the same way.

Her mother returned her smile and Raven's nerves settled slightly.

"Do you see all those kids?" The older woman asked pointing to the children running and spinning their way to the school as their own parents were attempting to keep them under control.

Raven nodded.

"Well they're going to be your friends this year, how does that sound?" This earned a wrinkled nose from Raven causing her mother to chuckle slightly, "I know that they'll be different than what you're used to, but it won't be too long and don't they seem fun?"

Raven turned her head to observe the children on the other side of the street. A group of three, running boys were "goofing around" (as her mother called it).. The tallest one, with a deeper skin color ran up behind his smaller friend and pushed him over. The tall one and his dark haired friend laughed as the victim yelled at them to "get back here before he pummeled them".

Raven shook her head. They did not seem fun at all.

"Well…" Her mother began, probably not sure how to react to the children's behaviour, "All you have to do is find someone, smile, and ask to play and you'll be fine."

Raven raised an eyebrow, something her mother had dubbed "precocious and was a sure sign of a sarcastic personality." Raven hadn't the slightest idea of what that meant but she did it often when she believed her mother to be lying, teasing, or behaving ridiculously. That was fairly often.

Her mother smiled slightly and poked her daughter on the forehead.

"You're silly."

Raven frowned, but inside her heart warmed at her mother's display of affection.

"Whatever." She mumbled.

"Such attitude at a young age," Her mother teased, "I predict a disagreeable teenager in the near future."

"Why can't I just stay at home with you Mommy?" Raven asked sadly, "I like being with you more than with other kids."

"That's why you need to meet other kids, because Mommy and Raven can't always be together now, you're growing up."

"That's stupid." She grumbled to herself, hoping her mother didn't hear her, "Growing up is stupid."

"Hey, hey, what did I say about saying mean words like that?" She warned.

"…Sorry."

"That's my girl. Now let's get you to school OK?" She said sweetly as she patted Raven's head.

Raven turned to see the school, just across the street.

"OK." She answered her grip on her mom's hand tightening.

They crossed the street, every step making Raven want to turn back to her familiar room and hide under her quilt, like she always did when she felt sad.

On the side of the school near the parking lot there was a small fenced space. Parents seemed to stand outside it while kids played inside. Raven's stomach didn't feel so good. The flutterflies seemed to be flying a little too quickly.

Her mom led her to the entrance of the gate and a brown haired lady greeted them, she bent down and said,

"Hi there Missy, what's your name?"

Raven recoiled and hid behind her mother's legs, gripping her skirt tightly. Her mother laugh rang out prettily as she gently gave her daughter's head a pat.

"Rae is a little shy sometimes, right sweetie?" Her mom replied.

"Oh, well I'm sure we can change that. Now let me see…" The woman glanced at her clipboard, "Raven Roth is in the class on the left wall. So why don't you go meet your teacher and some of your classmates?"

Raven hid further behind her mother. That sounded like the last thing she wanted to do right now. She tugged on her mother's skirt to get her mom to talk to her.

Her mom bent down to her daughter's level and Raven whispered into her ear,

"Do I have to?"

"Only for a few hours, then mommy's going to come pick you up." She answered, giving Raven a quick kiss on the nose.

Raven frowned but nodded anyways and followed the teacher to her class line reluctantly; she waved slightly back towards her mother. As she did this the three boys who had been acting like idiots earlier ran past and bumped her as they made their way to the line. Her eyes narrowed but ignored them.

It was going to be a long day.

And it was. It was spent on her own. She read in a corner by herself despite the boring books the classroom had. She'd been reading since she was two and had no desire to learn that "A is for Apple". The teacher had been surprised that she could read and offered to take her to the library but Raven couldn't bring herself to say that yes, she would have liked that. The other kids in her class didn't seem to take much notice of her either; if they did try to talk with her Raven found herself freezing and not saying a word back. Besides, they were all much too loud and energetic for her tastes so she doubted she was missing out on much.

When the teacher announced to the class to pack their bags and get ready to head home Raven was struck by a small toy in the back of the room. She wandered off as the others put on their jackets and set themselves up to leave. She decided to take a peek before going out with the class.

She knelt next to the shelf and pulled out a small piano. She had read about them before but had never seen one in real life. A strange feeling came over her; she suddenly really wanted to play it. She reached a small figure out to press one of the white keys before she was stopped.

"Come on Rae, it's time to go home." Her teacher said with a smile, "Don't you want to see your mom?"

Annoyed that she was interrupted, Raven didn't reply but walked past her and prepared herself to leave.

When reunited her mother asked,

"What did you think of school? Did you like it?"

"There was a small piano. I wanted to play it." Raven said simply.

Her mom ruffled her hair,

"Maybe one day I'll run into some money and we can get someone to teach you."

Raven thought she might like that.

Raven roamed the halls of the university. It was quiet. There weren't any more exams this late in the day so it was fairly empty at the moment. The setting sun cast an orange and pink colored brilliance through the large windows covering the floors and walls. It might have been a peaceful sensation if Raven wasn't aware of the presence of professors in the building. It didn't matter that she could not see nor hear them; the simple knowledge of their location set her on an unsteady edge.

She had finished her musical theory exam earlier that day, she was fairly confident in the result. She seldom made mistakes in that subject. She was pleased that the year was coming to an end finally.

Afterwards she stayed back afterwards to practice on the school's equipment. She had her own at home the quality of the school's was much higher, thus providing a better result, besides she didn't mind having a reason to avoid her mother. If she ever had an excuse, Raven generally took it.

The time had pasted briskly, that was a common occurrence when she played, and it caused her to lose track of time. Not that it bothered her much; losing herself in something wholeheartedly was a better option than having to deal with her mother or Raven's own demons. That was a very unattractive prospect. Besides she had nothing better to do, she rarely had any prior commitments and if she did they were not for her own pleasure.

So there she was on her way out of the school, music sheets and novel in hand, dreading the trip back home. There were too many things she hated about it, too many to list at least. The bus, the streets, the people, the whole ordeal generally was a mess.

Before she had the opportunity to get out of Jump City University Raven was intercepted by a familiar face, or rather two. They weren't exactly welcome ones however, not that familiar faces often were.

The Dean of the university, Slade Wilson and the head of the music department, Hartley Rathaway stood before her. The latter beckoning her to follow her into his office.

Raven froze, her throat suddenly becoming tight. She could feel her body revert to a defensive form as she forced herself to stiffly walk into the office. Her face was stony, as it normally was, but inside she was thinking of about a million things that could go wrong in this situation.

Mr. Wilson was sitting in a chair in front of Mr. Rathaway's desk. Her music prof sat behind said desk and he gestured for her to sit in the chair next to the dean.

"Come in Raven, we'll only keep you for a moment." He assured her.

Raven sat down. She had no idea where she was supposed to look, at Mr. Wilson, Mr. Rathaway, or did she have to look at them at all. No clue.

She settled for looking at hands. Seemed like the safest option.

A part of her wanted to speak up and ask why they even wanted to talk to her but she couldn't bring herself to try. At the moment Raven didn't trust her voice to remain very steady.

"I'm glad I caught you before you left, Mr. Rathaway and I were just talking about you." Mr. Wilson began, referring to her teacher's first name.

Raven wondered if her lack of response was OK. Did she have to reply to that statement or was he going to continue? Deciding she'd better say something, she racked her brain for something that would pass for a suitable response and managed the words,

"I see."

"We just wanted to consult you on the subject of your performance." Mr. Rathaway said carefully, "There need to be a few… changes made."

Raven's throat suddenly felt tighter and her stomach felt a little sick. She knew what he meant by performance. He didn't mean performance as in grades; hers were fine, exceptional even. He meant actual performances. The thought of them made Raven feel ill. She prayed to no one in particular that they wouldn't say what she thought they were going to say.

"We cannot exempt you from the required curriculum is the issue he's dancing around." Mr. Wilson said bluntly, "We were wondering if you would reconsider."

And they did.

Raven's lips suddenly felt very dry. Judging by the way he spoke, he wasn't wondering at all, despite the invitation. He was trying to trap her, one of the feelings Raven hated most.

"I was told that… I would not be required to participate in the performances."

Mr. Wilson gave her a hard look, apparently not happy to be talked back to.

"Rathaway was wrong to even give you that option when you came here."

Raven recalled last Spring when the music teacher had caught her by chance in a local music shop. She had been silently playing and for some reason he was impressed by her, she still couldn't fathom why. When he had approached her about applying to JCU she had forced herself not to ignore him but simply said in the most unwelcoming way possible that she had no interest in pursuing any higher education, which was not a lie. The stupid man had continued to hound her giving him his phone number and requesting hers. She had given it to him to shut him up, planning on blocking his number first chance she got.

Well it slipped her mind and he ended up contacting her. When she couldn't avoid him any longer she agreed to play for the other music professors, which only deepened her disdain and dislike of the man. After doing so the entire department wanted her to apply apparently which made no sense to Raven, she threw every excuse their way. Money, they offered a scholarship. Lack of interest, they tried convincing her of how wonderful it would be. Eventually she told them that she despised performing, which was a solid, one hundred percent truth. When the department made a deal with the dean, allowing her to study without being required to take part in performances Raven couldn't come up with any more excuses, so she agreed.

And they were about to take that away from her.

"What he means to say is that we only take two pianists each year, this year it was you and another student, we can't have only one participating." Her teacher said with considerably more tact than Wilson.

Raven's hand began to shake violently; in an attempt to conceal this she shoved them into her coat pockets. Crap. She knew the feeling that was creeping through her veins. This couldn't happen, not now, oh please not now. Terror gripped her body as she tried to communicate with the two men.

"I was not given the impression you would go back on what we agreed on," Raven said, trying to keep her voice from shaking just as her hands were.

Mr. Wilson looked at her disapprovingly. Raven held his gaze, not showing any of the dread she currently was feeling. She had to get out of this situation, if she didn't they'd force her to do something she didn't want to, or worse her status would progress. If she didn't leave now she would most likely humiliate herself because she knew what was coming, in fact it was pretty much upon her. If they found out… well who knew what they would do or think.

"Look here Miss Roth, we've made a lot of sacrifices just because of your unwillingness. Cooperate with us I beg of you."

He was patronizing her, which only made Raven want to punch him in the face, leave, and never come back. Not that she'd ever have the courage to do that anymore, maybe five years ago, but not now.

"I cannot do that, if you try to force me into this I will have no choice but to drop out." Raven said, with a little more frost than intended.

"Look here—" Mr. Wilson began, but was cut off by Raven standing up abruptly.

That was it; she couldn't stay in the room any longer. Their voices seemed as though they were too loud despite their steady volume, everything was too overwhelming, her breathing was becoming thin and she knew that trying to speak was futile. Soon she wouldn't be able to form sentences, it wouldn't be possible. What an idiot she was making of herself.

She turned her back to the two men, and stormed out of the office hastily in a desperate attempt to protect herself.

Before she was too far from the office she heard Mr. Wilson speak.

"What a disagreeable girl."

Like she didn't know that already. Still, hearing it didn't help her situation. What would they do to her? Raven's mind seemed to be coming up with every worst case scenario it could think of.

As Raven walked down the halls she felt as though she couldn't breathe, every attempt was led to her lungs tightening as if a boa constrictor was wrapped around the circumference of her rib cage, punishing her with every failed breath.

It was like there was a cloud surrounding her, blocking her vision, offering no way out.

Her heart pounded so hard she felt it would burst out of her already restricted chest. She could hear it pumping like it was shot up with adrenaline, too fast and too loud.

Thump, thump, thump.

Every beat was magnified in her ears, there wasn't any escaping the impending doom she felt because it was all her, her incompetence and inability to control herself. She couldn't grasp the reigns and gain control of her own body.

This wasn't exactly something new to her, it wasn't as if she hadn't experienced it before, but every single damn time this happened she forgot anything she could do that might help. Even now she was reaching for something in her mind to help her but couldn't quite grab it.

Her head started to feel fuzzy; her vision was darkening, some things were visible and some in full color, her eyes were aching like they were being pulled far into their sockets. She felt dizzy, as if on the verge of collapse.

No, no, no, no, no.

She needed air, she needed it now. Raven had no idea what she was dreading but right now it seemed like she was falling apart at the seams and no one knew.

Through her faltering vision she saw one of the many exits the school had. Frantically she shoved the door open and felt fresh air cover her skin.

It didn't make her breathing any better, but knowing she was out of the school was good enough.

Her legs gave in and she slumped against the wall. Every part of her body felt light including her head and heart, probably from the lack of inhaling oxygen.

After sitting there for a little while, dreading some incomprehensible thing that wasn't coming, her breathing became regular and her heartbeat slowed.

She got up.

Then she walked, ready to head home.

As if nothing had happened.

Just like usual.

Raven opened the door to her apartment. It was small, but comfortable, probably not enough space for her and her mother. Her and her mother couldn't have enough space between the two of them

Taking off her shoes and leaving them at the front door Raven headed straight for her room. She passed her mother, who lay on the couch silently as she stared at the wall.

Even from where Raven stood, she could feel the exhaustion radiating off her mother. Underneath her eyes was dark and her cheeks seemed sunken in, maybe it was her imagination but she could have sworn her mom was not that thin a few months ago. She was not the woman Raven remembered as a child, she was a hollow shell of that person and she hated her for it.

"The school called." Her mother's weak and tired voice spoke.

Raven gave her mother a dead stare, was that why she looked so troubled? Regardless Raven had no wish to speak with her on the subject and simply wanted to be left alone.

"I'm sure they did." Raven replied blankly as she made her way towards her bedroom and shut the door.

Plopping herself on her bed Raven felt her it sink in. Her incompetence, her helplessness, everything that she beat herself up for every single day. The desperate wondering of what the school would do about her refusal to cooperate. How she would drag herself out of bed for another torturous exam. She filed through all the horrible and self deprecating thoughts she could (like she had a choice) until one feeling remained.

Loneliness.

She was on her own.

And it was her own damn fault.

The next day Raven went back to school, simple, as if nothing had transpired the day before. It wasn't easy to pretend everything was fine but Raven semi-managed it.

Exams had to be the thing she hated most in the world. She had just completed her playing exam, she knew the song like the back of her hand yet she still obsessed over the result and how the examiner thought she did. That was one of Raven's many, many, downfalls, despite her outer shell she cared too much about what people thought of her. At least it was the last exam she had until her second year. The first hellish year of post secondary was completed.

It was around the time the students on campus would start filing out back to their dorms or wherever they resided. Instead of following their lead, Raven stayed in the music room.

Earlier Mr. Rathaway had approached her, apologizing for the previous day. Raven only offered a shrug as a reply. He had assured her that he would keep the dean on bay as long as he possibly could and if she wanted to stay after school she was free to use his classroom as long as she liked. This didn't make her like him any better or resent him any less but she was a little grateful for the offer.

So she took him up on it.

Raven walked up slowly to the ebony grand piano, located at the far wall of the large room. She sat on the leather bench and grazed her fingers over the ivory keys. Her body relaxed instantly and a peaceful feeling set over her. There was something, something about the sensation of playing that instantly calmed her. It was like forgetting her worries for a moment.

Carefully she pressed a few keys then swiftly played a C-sharp minor scale.

As her fingers loosened and were warmed up she began playing a piece.

Her fingers glided gently across the keys as she played the slow, and sad first movement of Moonlight Sonata, her favorite piece.

Each note played was injected with emotion, Raven felt everything, the sorrowful crescendos and decrescendos, the subtle pulsing at the beginning of every bar, she felt it all. This was the only time she could, the only time and way she could express the complex feelings even she didn't understand, and control those feelings wholeheartedly. It was a precious release.

She breezed through the second movement with ease and reached the third, her fingers raced across the piano with precision and speed. The notes were meant to be played so swiftly, Raven made the occasional misstep but ignored it and continued as if no errors were made.

Her brain and limbs working automatically, used to the motion, having memorized it long ago.

Being so engrossed in her music she failed to notice the presence behind her. When she completed her piece and lifted her hands from the piano the sound of clapping hands behind her caused Raven to jump.

She whipped around to see a boy behind her, leaning against the door, clapping.

Raven froze,

"W-what the hell are you doing?" She demanded angrily gripping the edge of the piano behind her tightly.

"Just heard you playing from down the hall, thought I'd check it out."

The boy was familiar, Raven thought she'd seen his face somewhere before. He had blond hair and green eyes. He was probably a little shorter than her, around two inches perhaps. He dressed casually and wore a beanie and large square shaped, thick framed glasses over his average sized nose. He had a structured yet soft face that she could have sworn she'd seen before.

"Please leave." She said curtly.

Whoever this boy was, he had disturbed her and his very pretense set her on edge. Just the knowledge that he had been listening, judging, and watching her playing made her want to throw up.

"Hey dude it's totally fine, sorry if you wanted to be alone."

Raven sighed a small breath of realization, she knew did this boy (and wished with every fiber of her being she didn't), his way of talking hadn't changed since the last time she'd seen him years ago.

Garfield Logan.

"Do we know each other or something?" He asked, "You kinda look… well like I've met you I guess."

"No." Raven said firmly, hopefully cutting off the subject right then and there. It was preferable he stayed thinking they had never met all things considered.

"Oh, sorry then." He grinned scratching the back of his head, "Nice playing by the way."

When she inhaled and exhaled carefully with a glare present on her face, Garfield sauntered over next to the piano and leaned against it with an easy smile. Raven sucked her breath in and by instinct leaned away from him.

"You OK there?" He asked, obviously clueless to her discomfort.

"Fine." She said in a clipped tone.

"Am I bothering you?" He asked genuinely.

Raven got up, she had no intention of having a conversation with him, she was glad he didn't remember her (not that it was a difficult feat, she was quite forgettable) but she wanted to leave right away. She had no idea what she was supposed to say to him, she didn't like people to begin with, and it was embarrassing.

"Whatever." She muttered as she got up and pushed past him on her way out of the classroom, "It doesn't matter."

Fear gripped her despite the fact that she had successfully gotten out of the situation. She couldn't help but wonder what he thought about her, he probably thought she was weird, or creepy, most likely both.

Raven clapped her hands over her cheeks a few times as she walked down the empty hallways.

Snap out of it, stop over analyzing things.

The truth of the matter was however, she couldn't help it, and she hadn't the slightest clue why. The desire she had to find out was strong, but not so much as her fear of what people would think if she came forward with her worries.

So she kept quiet.

Truth was however, Raven didn't know how much longer she couldn't keep it up.

I can't do this anymore.

There we go. First chapter of a new story. I hope you all enjoyed it. I actually had planned to post this yesterday but my computer lost my file and I had to rewrite a bunch of it. I might have cried over it a little too but I won't talk about that...

For those currently reading my other story waiting for an update, have no fear, there should be one by the end of the month.

This chapter was a lot of exposition and I will apologize for that. I wanted to set some setting and ground before I get into more of the plot. This story won't be overly complicated however and will mostly surround friendship and the like. No blatant romance between Raven and another character however, you can interpret interactions she has with others however you like, but there won't be any star crossed lovers or kissing in the sand. There may be very slight implication if you squint and tilt your head to the side but nothing really. Sorry if that's what you were looking for but I have enough romance and implications of it in my other stories so if that's what you're looking for, perhaps they will be more to your taste.

Each chapter will have a snip-it of Raven's past and how it currently affects her present. Beast Boy (Garfield) was introduced near the end and the three guys had a mini cameo in the beginning scene if some of you caught it.

I can't be too sure on how often I'll be updating this story as I am also working others as well. Who knows. I make no promises because I am awful at keeping them.

If any of you are not aware of what was going on with Raven part way through the chapter, she was experiencing a panic attack. Keep in mind, I am no expert on the subject, I simply draw from my own experiences as well some research I did on the causes of them, etc. If any of you have experiences regarding panic attacks, social anxiety, or anything similar and feel comfortable sharing, feel free to PM and it would really help me write the subject more accurately. I've never written a character with mental health issues and I want to do it with as much justice as possible.

Writing little kid Raven was really fun. She's well spoken for a young child but is still innocent and naive. Hopefully you can see the contrast between her former and current relationship with her mom.

I feel like I'm taking a few liberties with Raven as a character, but after re-watching season 4 and the episode "Go" Raven gave me an impression deeper than a misunderstood dark character. She seemed very shy when the group first met, insecure, and anxious about whether she would fit in or not with them. She also expressed insecurities in the show about how people perceived her and who she was. Maybe I'm stretching a little with her characterization with this story, but hopefully it's not too unbelievable.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading. I'll update as quickly as I can. I'm off school as of today so I'll have much more time for writing.

Thank you very much ^.^