Bittersweet First Love
by tsukicchan
What can you expect from a relationship without any clarity?
What can you expect from an unrequited love?
What can you do if the one you loved are not in the same wave with yours?
I feel myself bursting into laughter. I feel ashamed with myself. I never knew that this would be hurting me even further—even though it's my own idea to begin with. I've been actually predicting him to be like this. I've predicting about it! But my heart denied it with all its might, stating that this would be forever. Creating a delusional me who believe that all of this is not a mere illusion. I tried my best to convince him. I tried my best to keep him. I really tried my best so he could love me the way I wanted him to be. Every single time, I've been asking him about his heart. Yet, he only gave me his warming smile. Leave me in another delusional world.
I walked myself to Ikebukuro station. It was a beautiful winter happened in here, I guess. I didn't really take notice of my surrounding. I couldn't—because my heart recently hurts me more than before. While my mind keep repeating the same sentences of `goodbye`, my heart keep believing that this is not the end—that this is not a goodbye for both of us.
Without my own consciousness, I finally succeeded on reaching his place. I felt myself to be wrecked even more.
I'll face him again—eh?
Chuckling by myself, I found myself to be frozen in front of his apartment complex. My feet wouldn't move, as if they were afraid of what will happen next. People said that your heart is the reflection on how you're feeling things right now. And those fact were actually make me hate myself even more than before. I hated it—to be not in control. I hated it—on how it WAS actually right. I was afraid, but I kept on denying it.
How stubborn, keep believing on things that shouldn't be believed—aren't you, self?
I finally did it. I choose stairs over elevator to reach his apartment. Only to make it longer, so I could prepare my heart. I knew that I shouldn't look back. It's all—done. I knew he would never love me. He wouldn't have the same feeling as mine. And even my mind kept mocking on the irony of my bittersweet unrequited love.
Another chuckle passed my mouth—accompanied by invisible tears that I've been holding for the entire journey to his apartment. I've promised myself to not cry over this. I cover myself with other masks I have within myself. Only giving a faint memory on how he criticizing my masks, said to me that he hated it and he would like to see me without the masks.
I stopped in the midway of my steps towards his apartment. I crouched in the middle of the stairs. My tightened chest didn't give me a chance to pass all of this without being hurt. I gripped my handmade muffler tightly. I was once thinking on how I should give it to him in the very first day of winter—like the other couple did. But it seems like this muffler will only be something that shouldn't be there in the very first place.
I continued to walk toward his apartment. My body was trembling. I kept on convincing myself that this is it—the time of our goodbye. While my heart—again and again—selfishly kept on telling me that I want us to be together. Kept on remind me that I want YOU to be MINE.
I finally reached his apartment. His apartment door finally now in front of me. So close—yet I wanted it to be far from me. It was torturing me—almost like the door is my death sentence. With all my bravery, I reached the bell and barely brushed my finger on it—half-heartedly pressing the button.
Damn, I ringed it!
My body froze when I heard his footsteps coming closer to the door. My mind suddenly went blank. I didn't even remember my reason to be there. I flinched when his door finally opened, gave me a view of his tanned skin, covered by his usual bartender suit.
"Ah, S-Shizu-chan" I couldn't look straight into his eyes. I felt that he will found out my motives to be here. I glued my eyes on the floor.
"Izaya" My heart fluttered by his voice. I hated it—yet I loved it. Even my mind betrayed me when I heard his voice, calling my name in a soothing manner.
"What's wrong? You're spacing out" he asked my with a concerned voice, while deep down, I knew that he didn't really meant it. He didn't have any special affection towards me when he asked my condition.
"N-No, I'm alright" I gave him a quick glance and shoved the muffler to his chest. "Here, I-I have present for you" I cursed myself for stuttering in front of him. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. It's hard—especially when I felt his eyes on me, analyzing my attitude.
"Uhm, thanks, I guess" he scratched his hair. I didn't dare to saw his face. I didn't want to know what kind of reaction he gave me when he received that muffler.
"Err—you made it yourself, Izaya?" I nodded in reply. I didn't dare to make a voice to reply him anymore. He would eventually know if I kept on talking.
"Really, what happened to you?" he suddenly gripped my wrist, gaining a flinch from me. It startled me on how he still giving me this affection—while we both knew that all of this is aiming nowhere. Without my realization, I gave him a look and I felt my cheeks to be wet by my own tears.
In a blur world, I saw him shocked by my tears. He quickly put his hands on my cheeks and wiped it. My heart felt really hurt. I crouched again—while his warm hands were still stuck on my cheeks.
"H-hey, Izaya. What happened? Hey.." I felt my surrounding suddenly warm. He hugged me, kept me in his arm. I cried even harder that before. I heard myself sobbing, something that rarely done by me in the past years. I gripped his shirt, hoping that we would stay forever like this.
"S-Shizu-chan, I love you" my voice cracked when I said it to him. I didn't even know if he heard my faint declaration. He tightened his hug on me and put his hand on my head. As always, he wouldn't give me any answer.
"Shizu-chan, answer me" I gave him a look. I saw his handsome face I've always admire closely. He turned his head, didn't really exchange my look with his.
"We should go in. It's cold out here" he gripped my arms, lifted me and helped me to stand. My bang covered my expressionless face I got from his reaction.
He would never answer you, moron!
I pushed him and ran towards the stairs. I felt that if I kept on his arm any longer, I will lose it. So I finally decided that this is the right time to say goodbye to him. I forced my legs to keep on running. I didn't dare to look back—even though I know that he pursued me. He followed me, which is somehow made me hope all over again that he was actually cared about me.
I was startled by his sudden grip on my wrist. He pulled me and pinned my body, made myself to be stuck between the wall and him. I avoided his gaze on mine. I felt another tears poured on my cheeks.
"Look at me" I heard his voice. I heard his pant—after effect of running in the stairway. Still avoiding his gaze, he suddenly took my chin and kissed me. I was too shocked to even react. My eyes widen comically even when he pulled his lips away from mine. Our kiss was innocent. It's not something followed by any lust—even I doubt that this blond gave any feeling on that kiss.
I laughed after our kiss. Pathetically laugh in despair.
"Shizu-chan, aren't you cruel? You give me another hope" with a sad smile, I pushed him with all my might, gaining him to kiss me for the second time.
"N-no, s-sto—" I couldn't finish my sentence. He invaded my mouth and played with my tongue. My legs felt like jelly, I can't even stand properly due to his kiss. Deep down in my heart, I hoped that this is happened with mutual feelings. I hoped that he really have a feeling within the kiss. I hoped he meant it.
He finally pulled his lips and put his head on the crook of my shoulder. I couldn't see his face. I wished I didn't have to. I have enough of these mixed feelings, because it happened that everytime I saw his face, my delusional feelings stirred up with reality—leaving me in a faint hoped that actually never existed in the very beginning.
"Izaya, I—"
"No need to explain, Shizu-chan. I know. I know it well. I just need to adapt, that's all!" I put my masks back and tried to get up from his pinning. I smiled at him, even though I was certain that he knew I faked a smile for the sake of free from all of this. He sighed and patted my head.
"Thankyou—I'm sorry" and he went back to his room. My last memory of him was his back—covered by his silly bartender suit. Ah, also his last quick glance that I didn't really notice because of my tears that already rolling on my cheeks.
That night, I cried as hard as I could, released all my pain in my heart—as my first love story ended.
A/N
Gyappooo~~~ tsukicchan deeesu~
Ah kyaa~ I made another fanfic while I should be learning Math for my upcoming test oTL
Well, I hope you enjoyed this story :)
As always, sorry for my grammatical error *bow*
I'll be glad if you give me some reviews too! :")
Happy reading!
-tsuki