Midnight Catharsis
The room was dark, lit only by whatever light was showing through the windows. Still most everything was in shadow and darkness. The only comfort she had was the Mag light flashlight she had in her hand. Her gun belt was empty; she opted to leave the weapon with Grissom when she went to carry in the money ransom. She wasn't even wearing the CSI windbreaker. She was… just a worried partner.
The light shined on her face as the question was asked, "Are you terrified?"
She was terrified. She knew what Nick was going through and she was terrified of what she would find. She summoned up the courage to reply, "I don't want to talk to you. Where is my partner?"
"Oh, so he's your… partner, huh?"
"Yes," she replied with the same look she would give a suspect in interrogation even though her insides were quaking. "Where is he buried?"
"Are you two close?" He was prompted further by her non-responsiveness. "What does Nick Stokes mean to you?"
It was like poking at the very heart of the matter. She had managed to keep it from everyone except Sara. Sara knew because of her reaction to the video feed. What were her feelings?
"How do you feel when you see him in that coffin?"
It suddenly flashed before her eyes. The flowers were beautiful. She walked forward, down the aisle towards the altar of the chapel. Her throat constricted as she got closer, passing by their friends and colleagues dressed in mourning. She saw his parents, his mother dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief. She continued forward towards the open casket. Her throat constricted as she looked into the casket.
"How do you feel, knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell?"
She looked down at his face. He looked so peaceful, like he was asleep. She felt the sob choke in her throat as she looked down.
"Helpless… useless… impotent…"
She turned to see him. The one who had her partner. Her throat quivered with sobs that threatened to be let out. She let out a slight gasp as she saw a shadow from the past standing behind the other. Her breath quivered as she felt the sharp prick of fear run down her spine. The darkness started to close in as she looked at the past. Her breathing started to pick up and she was close to hyperventilating. It was then that she heard, "Good."
She saw the man and the past wearing simtex vests. She gasped and took a step back. Then came the explosion…
Sage woke up gasping for breath. She leaned forward, feeling the pounding in her head. She grimaced and immediately she felt her stomach get queasy. She was out of bed and quickly and quietly sauntered to the bathroom. She almost fell over and into the toilet bowl when the first of the heaves began.
It felt like her stomach was being emptied out along with her stomach as she heaved. She tried to brace herself so she didn't fall into the bowl but it was hard. The smell of vomit made her more queasy and she reached for the handle to flush. The effort exhausted her and she slumped against the wall with her head within reach for any more heaves.
Eventually she tried to get up. The moment she did, the queasiness arose again and her head pounded. She couldn't hold it in and let it out into the bowl. She couldn't help but sob as she heaved. She was in pain and felt sick. It was all coming out at once.
"Easy there, Sass."
Sage still sobbed and a hiccup came out along with another heave. She felt a strong and familiar hand on her back. It began to soothe her as his hand rubbed gentle circles on her back. It was enough to calm her down and the heaves slowed. Her head was still pounding and she shut her eyes. Her throat was dry but she tried to speak but it came out in a whisper.
She didn't need to say anything though. She felt a cup full of water being placed in her hand and Nick's gentle twang saying, "Just rinse and spit it in the bowl."
She wasn't going to fight him on that one. With her eyes closed, she sipped the water and sloshed it in her mouth before spitting it into the toilet. She rested her head on her forearm and took a couple of breaths, feeling better that her mouth was clean and even better when she heard the toilet flush again. Then her hand was opened and she felt the familiar shape of pills placed in her palm.
"Come on, Sass."
She sighed heavily and tiredly as she managed to sit up and lean against the bathroom wall. She slowly popped the pills into her mouth with her eyes closed. She brought the cup up to her mouth and used the left over water to swallow the pills. She sighed again and dropped her hand from the effort but kept her eyes closed. She didn't register the cup taken from her hand. She winced though from the dull throbbing in her head and squeezed her eyes tight.
How do you feel?
She gasped like she was choking and she could feel tears leaking out of her eyes. It had been months since she had that nightmare. In the beginning, it was terrible. The migraines were crippling and it was a wonder she was able to get any work done. And she wasn't able to keep the team from finding out that because of her foolishness, her concussion had been exacerbated and now she was stuck with migraines.
It was a small price to pay in her mind but others didn't think so. She had plenty of scoldings from everyone who realized what she had done. There was only one person though who didn't really scold her and he was grabbing her under the arms to lift her from the floor now that she felt better after that unpleasantness.
"Come on. Let's get you back to bed."
Sage kept her eyes closed as her arms were guided to wrap around his neck and his hand scooped under her knees. It made her headache lessen and it kept the pressure off. She was aware that she was snuggling into Nick's embrace and she let him baby her. She was too tired to argue or protest and let him tuck her in her side of the bed. She did mutter, "Sorry."
"Not your fault."
Sage let out a breath of relief as she felt the covers tucked around her. When Nick got onto his own side, she moved towards him, reaching out. She gripped his shirt tightly as she pulled herself closer and rested her head on his lap. She curled her fingers into the fabric and held tight and didn't let go even when she felt his fingers rub gently through her short locks. "It is my fault."
"No it isn't. It's not your fault."
"I was helpless… useless…" Sage couldn't help but sob.
"You found me, Sass." Nick's voice hitched slightly. "You saved me. Kept me alive. I heard your voice."
Sage sobbed as she kept her eyes closed. She didn't like the fact that she had this nightmare again. And she knew why. "I am useless. I couldn't save you, Caleb."
Nick looked down at his girlfriend sobbing into his shirt. He had woken up when he heard her heaving in the bathroom. It didn't take him long to figure out that she had a migraine. It surprised him though that she was having one at night. The last time that happened was when she had a nightmare, which she admitted to when he commented on how tired she looked.
He knew the migraines were a result of the head injury she had received when he had been kidnapped and it had been exacerbated when she went to deliver the ransom money and nearly got blown up for it. She refused treatment and continued to look for him until it caught up with her, after they found him. She tried to hide it until Catherine found her vomiting in the bathroom and made her come clean. She hadn't wanted to tell him but she caved and looked like she was waiting for the ax to fall.
He couldn't scold her or tell she was stupid. It was foolish yes but what touched more was the fact that she didn't give up. She battled through her pain for him. To find him and bring him home. She didn't give up until she was assured that he would be fine. It only ascertained his own feelings and gave him hope that she felt more for him than what they referred to each other as. It got better but she still got migraines but more manageable. It was rare to get them this bad and it had him curious as to why.
When she said she couldn't save Caleb, he frowned in confusion and gently prompted, "Who are you talking about, Sass?"
Sage finished sobbing and sighed. She still didn't let go of Nick's shirt. She needed the reassurance he was there as she explained why she had that nightmare again. Taking a breath she replied, "Caleb. I couldn't save him."
"What do you mean?"
Sage squeezed her eyes tighter but didn't open them. "It's the anniversary of his death."
"Friend of yours?"
"Responsible for his death."
Nick frowned in confusion. That didn't sound right. Not his Sass. He looked down at her as he stroked her head. "I don't understand."
"He died to save me." Sage swallowed slightly. She didn't have to open her eyes to know that Nick was trying to process what she had carried for years and it fused with current memories. She continued, "We were buried alive. He was a rookie. More junior than me. He was paired with me. I was supposed to look after him…"
"Hey, you don't need to tell me anything…"
"We went back to a scene to collect evidence. The suspect returned to the scene. Got the jump on both of us. He tazed me and the last thing I heard was a gunshot," Sage continued, not hearing Nick's words. She had to let it out and it was easier the second time around. "I woke up in darkness with Caleb."
There was a slight hitch in her breathing and Nick continued to try and soothe her by running his finger through her hair. He had a lot of questions but he rightfully sensed that she wasn't finished with her story and waited patiently, thankful that they both had the night off. He was tempted to croon softly and tell her it was okay but he remained quiet.
He was rewarded when she gulped a bit and continued, "Caleb had tried to stop the suspect but was shot in the stomach. Slow bleeder even though I tried to stop it. The only thing I had was what was in my vest, including my Mag light." Her breath hitched again and she winced from the throbbing. "I could hear the suspect's voice saying that there was enough air for both of us for fourteen hours and he taunted us about whether or not NOPD was as smart as they think they were."
Nick felt his throat convulse. He knew that feeling well. The tape recording he played taunted him. The intention was clear and that was to drive home the possibility that they wouldn't find him on time. He ended up panicking the first few minutes and tried to get out. It wasted energy but it terrified him that he was buried alive and could suffocate to death.
"The first few hours were okay. I managed to slow the bleeding but Caleb was in bad shape. We had to breathe slow and almost nonexistent. It was dark, cramped. I could smell the earth. The smell of blood. I panicked and almost hyperventilated."
It was painful to hear but Nick realized that he was getting a better understanding of his girlfriend and why she did things the way she did. He always assumed it was because of her time at DC Metro. He had forgotten her roots were in New Orleans PD. He stammered, "How… how did you calm down?"
Sage opened her eyes slowly and stared straight ahead. Her head was no longer pounding. "Caleb. For a rookie, he was the calm one. Told me that if I kept it up, we would both die. I stopped and started breathing slowly and calmly. I remember him saying I was a good girl, like he would a little girl.
"We struggled to survive. We lost the Mag light when the battery went out. I couldn't see anything and ready to give up that we would be found. Then Caleb said something that I can't forget."
Nick swallowed and asked in a low tone, "What did he say?"
Sage paused a moment and closed her eyes again. She felt Nick's hands on her body soothing her and it gave her courage to answer him, "'You're good, Parker. Keep doing good'. And then he was gone. I later learned from the coroner that he had opened his wound and let himself bleed out. It gave me two hours longer. I was in that container for four hours next to a dead body for a total of sixteen hours. And I almost didn't make it."
The revelation was startling as Nick processed the fact that she managed to live past what she had been told was the limit. It occurred to him that Caleb killed himself so that she might live and that she was living with the guilt of it all these years. And to top it off, she nearly died from it. He could see why she would be having nightmares. A thought then occurred to him and he asked, "So when I…"
"I knew what happened the moment I saw the video." Sage slowly opened her eyes. Her headache was gone and she was no longer feeling sick. She turned to look up into Nick's eyes. "It felt like it was happening all over again. I wasn't there with you but it felt like it and… it was like he said. I felt helpless… useless."
Nick felt his heart go out to her. "You're not that, Sass. As I told you before, you saved me. It was you that I heard. Not Grissom, not Catherine, not even Warrick. And I hardly think you're useless."
Sage looked at Nick and smiled tiredly. "Nice of you to think so."
Nick smiled back, "Because it's true. Come on." He adjusted his body to lay against the mound of pillows. Gently he pulled on Sage to get her to move even though she was exhausted by the whole thing and she had a death grip on his shirt. He pulled her to lay her head on his chest to make her more comfortable. He pulled the covers up. "That feel better?"
Sage hummed as she settled in by Nick's side. She wrapped her arm around his torso and sighed in relief. "Just glad that you're here."
Nick wrapped his arm around Sage and gently hugged her. "Me too."
"Lisa and Kaylee are coming to Vegas. They wanted to see me."
Nick frowned but it didn't take much to figure out that Sage was still talking about what happened to her. To be sure, he prompted, "Who?"
"Caleb's wife and daughter," Sage replied in a tired voice as she closed her eyes. "She called me yesterday and asked to come see me. It's tomorrow."
Nick looked down at her. So that explained the nightmare and the migraine and it made him wonder why she kept it to herself. Then again the experience was personal. He knew that better than anyone since he had been through it fairly recently. The visit and it was only months after what happened to him… He put a hand on her head and gently stroked her hair. "You really like to make things complicated, Sass."
Sage didn't respond having fallen asleep. Nick made a slight face but it turned into a smile. There was some color coming back to her face and she looked more relaxed. Her fingers twitched as she held onto him, not letting go. He would let her have that. He rubbed her head gently and placed a kiss on it before settling into bed. It was best to get some sleep. She didn't ask but he would go with her to meet the people she was to meet. He depended on her. Now she could depend on him to be there just in case. He gave her another kiss before closing his eyes. They would talk more later.
A/N: Sage has a nightmare caused by bad memories and reveals one of her more painful secrets to her partner and boyfriend, Nick Stokes. Tag to Grave Danger. Enjoy.