Title: The "G" Word
Rating: PG-13
Description: A series of rumors and embarrassing incidents has the men of Eastern Command struggling to prove their manliness! Is Roy bi? Havoc gay? They'll do everything from gay bars on fire to seeing who can take the biggest crap to prove otherwise.
Pairings: Lots of gags, but the only serious pairings are hints of Roy/Riza, Hughes/Gracia, and... ah... spoiler. But you'll see.
Warnings: This fic is kind of meant to make fun of yaoi, but it will contain small amounts of it. However, if you call this a "yaoi fic", I will cut you. Total yaoitard, but this is meant to be more of a gag than actual fangirl squeegasm material.
A/N: Ah, I had SO much fun with this. More than should be allowed. I just love tormenting Roy... hehe. I'm sorry if anyone's OOC. The way I write Roy is loosely based off of Makoto Inoue's writing of him, but I could never hope to do that well. O.O;; Anyways, enjoy.
A typical day at Eastern Command. Exactly what did that mean?
Roy Mustang slumped further forward in his office chair. A man would be hard-pressed to come across the sight of another man whose every aspect at that moment reeked of pure, unbridled boredom.
Of course, that is assuming the man faced with such a challenge was set to work outsidethe four walls of Eastern HQ. Mustang's expression, painfully bored-looking though it may be, was seemingly as much a part of the military persona as the uniforms and badges.
That was the eloquent way of putting it. Mustang's choice of words for the current situation weren't quite so easy on the ears.
"Sir, please. I understand days like this are hard on you – as they are on all of us – but you're making more paperwork into airplanes than you are into completed forms, and it's the latter that'll ensure you keep your position."
The voice was that of Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, who the rest of Eastern Command playfully referred to as Colonel Mustang's babysitter. Her expression showed no sympathy as she stepped into the Colonel's office. She, better than anyone, would know sympathy was the last thing he needed.
Unable to come up with a response, seeing as she'd just stated an indisputable fact, Roy shrugged and pretended to absorb himself in another pile of paperwork.
"Sir, I can see your datebook open underneath your desk. I'll inform the front office you'll need to be cut off from outgoing calls."
"Understood, Lieutenant," Roy grumbled. Next to Hughes, he was most notorious for his misuse of military phonelines. The only reason he was cut off from them like a grounded teenager and not Hughes was that all of his misused calls were deemed "thoroughly inappropriate" for his working atmosphere.
Or, as Breda had put it… "For god's sake, Colonel… We don't all need to know how long it's been since you last got laid."
Which, as everyone was led to believe, hadn't been for a very, very long time. If only they knew… Not that they ever would, but if they did, they'd know why he was so desperate to score.
Hughes's phone calls, on the other hand, were hardly inappropriate. Rambling about his wife, who he was an absolutely flawless, non-perverted, loyal husband to, and Elysia's most recent exploits – her first this, her first that. Roy would know their contents better than anyone …as he was always the recipient.
As if on cue, the stagnant feel of the office was interrupted by the shrill ring of Roy's desk phone.
With his primary method of entertainment gone, Roy was left with only one way of keeping himself from going insane. Intolerable though it may be…
He picked it up before the second ring.
"What?" He grumbled unenthusiastically.
If there were ever an instance where two polar opposites were laid out beside each other, it was right then, when a horribly recognizable voice became the perfect contrast to Roy's unenthusiasm.
"You're not gonna BELIEVE this, old friend! I can't believe it's finally happened! Oh, it's moments like these that make me want to go spread my little joy all over the-"
"Get to the point, Maes," was Roy's response. He was as immune to his best friend's enthusiasm as Hughes was to his lack of it.
"My little Elysia! Just a few minutes ago, she called me here at work! All by herself! She's growing up so fast, Roy! Already she's learned how to dial the right numbers! Of course, Gracia had to help her, but you just had to hear it! My little angel! As if calling me weren't enough of a blessing, I got to hear her voice! Tell me Roy, can you even think of a more heavenly sound…"
Yes, Roy thought to himself, silence.
By the time Hughes was done his monologue, Roy had counted three hundred twenty-eight leaves on the newly placed (and already wilting) indoor tree next to him.
"I'm glad you're happy, Hughes, but if you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do…"
"Aw, c'mon, Roy! I know you better than that! Any work you have is gonna be collecting dust until the last minute. You might as well talk it up with an old friend, if you have nothing better to do…"
"I have no problem talking with you, but 'talking' is the last thing I'd call your rambling about everything under the sun."
"Well, if you're gonna be in one of these moods today, I got just the thing that'll cheer you up… Elysia and I had a special photoshoot last night! It's sure to brighten up even the gloomiest of souls!"
Roy smiled, and the gesture looked almost foreign in his current slump. "It's been three years, Maes, and yet you never quit,"
By the time Roy'd been fed up enough to slam the phone down, it was time for a lunch break. Roy couldn't get out of his office fast enough. The Lieutenant trailed behind him, looking as though she'd rather be anywhere else.
Most knew, however, that this was not the case. The Colonel and the Lieutenant, despite outward appearances, cared for each other very much. Hawkeye admitted her one and only goal behind being a part of the State was to protect and serve the one who she, for some unfathomable reason, cared for most.
Many of Mustang's followers were waiting for him to drop his book of numbers and dates into the dump and confess his feelings for his subordinate. Some, like the ever-persistent Hughes – constantly insisting a wife was the one cure to all that ailed the Colonel – more than others.
After all, someday he was bound to realize going out of his way to pulverize his work schedule with dates was meaningless when his perfect woman was always beside him, right?
But today, outward appearances didn't suggest that the two of them were going to run off together anytime soon.
"Lieutenant, could you do me a favor?"
Hawkeye looked up and nodded once.
"I need someone to take care of the airplanes on the floor…"
She sighed. "Listen, sir. I'm willing to do you a favor, but only if you do something for me."
Roy didn't look taken aback. He nodded, waiting for her to continue.
What he didn't expect was her smile. "The higher-ups are interested in the legitimacy of your words… I guess it's to be expected when the reports they get from you are scrawled out last minute." She paused to shoot him a quick, mock-reproachful glance.
"They might talk to you later today, and if it's not too much to ask…"
The two of them stopped then. Roy stood still, waiting.
"I'd like for you, from this moment onward, tell the truth everytime you speak today. Your superiors are trained to spot any small flaw in your speech, and they'll see straight through anything you try to feed them. If it means telling them the majority of your work becomes papercraft, the chewing-out is a lot better than giving them reason to believe you're not legitimate. Understood?"
Roy looked completely speechless. Despite how well the Lieutenant took care of him, he was surprised by how well she'd thought this out. His stunned look was slowly replaced by a smirk, and he gave her a quick nod.
"All right, Lieutenant. For the rest of today, I'll be a man of honesty. This is the perfect reason to let Hughes know I'd like nothing more than to take all his damn photos and…" as Roy paused to think of exactly what he'd do with the Lieutenant Colonel's pictures of his family, Hawkeye didn't miss the gleam in his eye. He meant it. At least he'd found a way to enjoy this… The only other option was denying her request, and it still surprised her that this was one of few things he couldn't do.
When Roy finally had his food in hand at the mess hall, his crew was already laughing and joking about his earlier "grounding".
"Hey, Colonel! Heard all about how Hawkeye ratted you out! I'm telling you, you gotta hurry up and find a girl," Breda said between mouthfuls of mashed potatoes.
"Really," grumbled a surprisingly youthful voice, "all you guys ever talk about are girls and whatever the colonel's up to. You'd think things in a military base'd be a bit more interesting."
Everyone present knew that the latter of the two mentioned subjects was the speaker's personal favorite. It was no secret that Edward Elric didn't particularly like his superior. In fact, he was near-famous for going to extreme lengths to sabotage Roy at almost every opportunity. They guessed today would be no exception. …And with his promise in mind, for once, Roy was worried about what the kid could do.
"Aw, you're just a kid, Ed! Someday you'll meet a girl and you'll know exactly what we're talking about," Havoc told him.
"Oh! That reminds me! It's been so long since I showed you those wedding pictures of me and Gracia!"
The entire table groaned.
"Hughes, for the love all that is good and well, shut up. There isn't one of us here that doesn't have the damn things memorized," Roy grumbled, just loud enough for his friend to hear. Hughes merely grinned in response.
"I think Havoc has a point, though, Roy. A girl could be just what you need." Falman suggested, not looking up from his meal.
"I'm aware of that," Roy replied with disinterest.
"Come to think of it," Havoc said, "when's the last time you got laid, Colonel?"
Edward spat out his drink. In an instant, the teenager's face lit up like he'd woken up to his birthday, and pretended to be absorbed in the remainder of his soda while listening intently to anything that might be incriminating against the Colonel.
Roy very nearly blushed. Of all the things he absolutely hated to think of….
Lying was his first instinct. After all, "Colonel Roy Mustang" was practically synonymous with "Skirt-chasing ladies' man with more dates than a calender". What would the answer do to his reputation? But there was the promise…
"It's been a while," he admitted. The way he said it, it could have been two weeks or a decade. Ambiguity was key.
…But no, when it came down to things like this, the subject was never dropped. Not when it truly needed to be. Not when Fullmetal was on his way to a goldmine of what anyone would call "incriminating" material. He regretted every time he'd messed with Ed enough to earn it.
"C'mon, Roy! Tell us! This is guy stuff! This is what we're here for."
"Yeah, Colonel! Come on!"
"Hey, he's blushing!" Ed remarked. The others needed no further prodding. There was a hailstorm of assumptions and half-chortled remarks before Roy could so much as groan.
"Don't tell me you're a virgin, Colonel!" Ed continued. Roy would have loved to have responded with a comment about how Ed had no room to talk, being too pathetic to likely so much as glance in his pants, and how every time he so much as breathed he was rocketing up closer to the top of Roy's "Most Likely to Die a Virgin" list. But it would be best not to set him off at such a delicate time.
"No." That was the truth.
"All right! So come on! When's the last time you had sex?" Breda pressed.
"A while," Roy repeated, avoiding their glances. Also the truth.
"Dude! He is a virgin! I knew it! Ed's right!"
"Nah, all those girls, how could he be?"
"So come on, Roy! Tell us! Have you ever had sex with a woman?"
No, he hadn't. Maybe if he said that much, they'd be convinced Ed was right and leave it at that. He'd never hear the end of it, but the humiliation was only a fraction of what it could be...
"No," he answered.
There was a furious uproar of laughs, elbows in his side, enough snide remarks to fill a book, and the ever-persistent "I don't believe it!"
When the calamity had somewhat settled down, it was Havoc who became his undoing with one simple, innocent question meant only to lightly tease. The icing on the cake for his humiliating afternoon.
In the end, it'd wind up being an entire bakery.
"I heard you talking to Lieutenant Hawkeye in the hall…"
He nearly dropped his fork.
"You did a bad job of hiding it, but still, telling us you weren't a virgin at first kinda was going against your word…"
He didn't say anything. Instead, he resumed picking at his food as though it were the single most interesting thing the world had to offer.
"Why'd you go against your word?"
The single most interesting thing the world had to offer was in the way of him doing a perfect faceplant on the table. Burying his face in his palm would have to do.
This wasn't teasing anymore. They were honestly curious as to why he'd go against his word when he'd given it to one of the few people he would absolutely follow through for.
Dammit.
Of course, the whole table would have to go silent, waiting for his response. There was no way out of this.
Dammit.
Dammit.
Dammit.
"What? I didn't lie to you," he responded simply.
They all looked, quite simply, stumped.
"So, you're NOT a virgin?"
At any other time, he would have laughed at the disappointment on Ed's face.
He didn't have to answer that one with a yes or no. There was a way out of it yet.
"I've never slept with a woman," was his response.
"Oh."
There was a pause. A way too silent one.
"So, you ARE a virgin?" Fuery asked, speaking up for the first time. Though, next to Fullmetal, if anyone here were to have the words "Eternal Virgin" tattooed on their foreheads…
"No."
"But you've had sex?"
"Yes…" They say when one comes to face with death, in the end, one accepts it, and eventually gives up fighting once they see the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that was what was happening now. He willed for it all to be over.
"But not with a woman?"
He could see it now… It was almost over. "No."
There was a hoot of laughter from Breda. "So what was it, a goat?"
Clearly, they weren't taking him seriously. Maybe he could use it to his advantage…
But he couldn't think of a way that didn't involve lying. Dammit! Had they all planned this? What greater being had he offended so much to warrant this kind of treatment?
"Nope," he said, "I prefer sheep." It was almost a lie. In an entirely non-sexual manner, he would be willing to reason that sheep were better than goats. So, yes, he preferred sheep to goats in some way. Not a lie.
One would think that would throw them off. No such luck. In fact, he had reason to give up believing in luck at all.
A couple chuckles later, and Ed delievered the finishing blow. "So, what? No women, eh? So you've done it with a man?"
His expression answered Ed's question more than his stunned, defeated nod did.
He'd neglected to notice how big the silence had gotten. How every single eye was turned on him. Listening. All of Eastern Command wanted to know about the famous skirt-chasers adventures in bed. Every single mouth was gaping at him.
Except for one. The one mouth that had, ironically, been kept shut. Hughes simply shrugged and threw Roy a quick, sympathetic smile before returning to his coffee.
BWAHAHAHA! Poor Roy. All that skirt-chasing, and for what? Still, you have to wonder who he got it on with... ::scratches chin:: And for any hardcore fans who were offended by Roy gettin' it on with a dude... Please don't bludgeon me to death with your keyboard. O.O;; He has his reasons. I'm just surprised I'm capable of writing something besides yaoi. 8D