Just a note that this is completely separate from my story "New Beginnings". This is a different re-imagining of Rose's feelings towards Tentoo after "Journey's End".
I still don't own Doctor Who.
Rose couldn't sleep. She couldn't even get comfortable in her large four-poster bed. She tried everything from counting sheep to some bizarre alien breathing technique she had learned while travelling on the TARDIS.
The TARDIS.
That's where she felt she should be at that moment instead of still stuck in this bloody parallel world.
After spending so much time and effort she finally found the Doctor again, only to be dumped back on the same Norwegian beach without him even giving her the courtesy of saying goodbye, or even asking where she wanted to go.
It wasn't just her and her mum he left behind. He also left behind his half-human clone.
Rose felt a stab of guilt thinking about this duplicate. Before the Doctor left she prodded both of them to finish the sentence he began a long time ago. The Time Lord sidestepped her question and just answered with a question of his own:
"Does it need saying?"
She felt like screaming at him then! Of course it needed to be said! She poured her heart out to him last time finally admitting that she loved him, and just when she was certain he was going to say it back his transmission cut out.
Now he couldn't say it? Had he been leading her on this entire time?
But then she turned to his blue suited twin and repeated her question, and he answered. He whispered the words right into her ear, the words she had been yearning to hear for so long. Then she just acted on impulse, grabbing him by his jacket and passionately kissing him.
No wonder the Doctor left. It must have been difficult watching her snog someone that looked just like him!
She didn't know who to be angry at: The Doctor for dumping her here against her will, his doppelgänger for saying the things that the original should have been saying instead, or herself for being such a right cow for turning her back on the man she loved and showing affection for someone else.
At the same time, she felt bad for the half-human Doctor (she didn't know what other name to call him). He didn't have a say in this anymore than she did. He laid his heart on the line and offered to spend his shortened life with her.
He looked the same, sounded the same, claimed to have the same thoughts and memories.
He said that he loved her, and she kissed him and he embraced her and kissed back.
But he wasn't him.
She had avoided him on the zeppelin ride home and bolted straight to her room as soon as they got back to the manor. She vaguely remembered hearing her mother telling him she needed some time. Thankfully he heeded that advice and left her alone.
Rose rubbed at her eyes in frustration as she sat up and grabbed her dressing gown. Sleep wasn't going to claim her tonight it seemed. She padded through her door and into the dark hallway of the Tyler manor. She walked right past the guestroom that was made up for him without even a second glance. The thought of seeing his face right now was too painful but she knew she would have to see him eventually. Maybe in the morning she would be brave enough to face him and maybe work out what to do. Right now she just needed time and a good cup of tea.
She was halfway down the stairs when she realised there was a light on in the kitchen. Her mum, perhaps? It wasn't uncommon for her to make herself a cup of tea in the middle of the night either when she couldn't sleep. She had a rough day too, facing the Daleks. Yes, a nice cup of tea with her mum felt like just the thing she needed. Maybe she could also help her figure out what to do with their new resident.
When she crossed the threshold to the kitchen she could see there was someone making tea, but it wasn't Jackie.
The Doctor's twin had his back to her. She noted that he hadn't changed for bed although he removed his suit jacket leaving him in his maroon t-shirt which made her think he was just as much of an insomniac as the Doctor. She turned to leave – just seeing his back was almost too much right now – but as she did her foot hit a creaky floorboard. She grimaced.
"Rose?"
His voice cut straight through her. It was full of concern and sounded exactly like him. She froze and couldn't help the choked sob that escaped her lips. She missed him so much and it was just so painful hearing his voice again.
"Rose." His voice was softer this time and much closer to her ear. She felt his arms wrap around her middle and pull her close to him. She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the tears that were threatening to fall, but to her surprise she put up no resistance as he gently turned her and gathered her to his chest. Part of her brain was screaming at her that this wasn't the man she loved, but at the same time him holding her felt so right. She took a deep breath to try and calm herself.
God, he even smelled the same.
He rubbed her back and rocked her from side to side as she soaked the front of his shirt with her tears. He occasionally dropped a small kiss to her hairline while whispering comforting words into her ear. But the one phrase that he kept repeating left her conflicted.
"I'm here. I'm here."
And then there was the one he had whispered to her earlier: "I love you."
That was something the Doctor would never say, despite how much she wanted him too. Further proof of how this man holding her now was a completely different person.
She steeled her resolve and pushed him away slightly so she could look him in the eye. He looked as worn out as she felt. Dark circles rimmed his bloodshot eyes, but he seemed much more concerned about her. He wiped her tears away with his hands and in a strangely Doctor-ish fashion he began peppering her with questions: "Are you okay? Was it a bad dream? Are you hurt?"
She shook her head and wiped her nose with her sleeve.
"I'm okay." She lied, still sniffling through her remaining tears. He shook his head.
"I think I know you by now, Rose Tyler. You don't burst out into tears over nothing." His voice was soft and caring. He took her by the hand and lead her to the kitchen table. She sat stiffly across from him, but he kept hold of her hand, his thumb tracing circles over hers.
Again, it felt so right. But she didn't know him at all. She looked over at him and knew by the set of his jaw he wasn't going to let her go without an explanation. And his eyes held the same open and hopeful look they did earlier on that beach when he was telling her about his newfound humanity.
"Please, tell me what's wrong." He prodded again, giving her hand a light squeeze that almost undid her again.
"I'm just a bit… overemotional right now, is all. It's just been one hell of a day." She sighed, deciding at the moment not to break his hearts – no heart, this one was human, she had to remember that. Rose wasn't even sure she ever could, not with him looking, sounding and even acting like her Doctor.
But how could she live with that?
"Tell me about it." He sighed overdramatically. "But considering everything that happened, it didn't turn out all bad, eh?" He smiled and winked at her. It was the same smile he always offered. That genuine hundred-watt smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. And that's what truly broke her heart.
Rose bit her lip as it began to wobble again and pulled her hand away and abruptly stood, turning her back to him.
"I can't do this." She all but whispered. She took a steadying breath as she turned and looked him in the eye once more, seeing that his smile had vanished. "'M sorry, I just can't. You're not him!"
His expression went cold.
"No, I'm not!" He spat back angrily.
Now it was Rose's turn to be stunned. She expected him to start pleading with her that he was the same man again. But this? This was completely out of the blue. Even the Doctor never acted like this towards her. At least not since he wore leather.
The tea kettle began to whistle. He leapt to his feet and wrenched it off the burner and slammed it on a colder part of the stove to cease the annoying noise. He turned the flame off and just stood there facing away from her, head bent and hands gripping the counter so hard his knuckles turned white. She watched his shoulders heave as he tried to control his temper, she just wasn't sure if was going to be successful.
"I'm not the bloody coward who abandoned you when you needed him the most. I'm not the one who refuses to say what really needs to be said and runs away from his emotions." He turned and faced her again; his face unreadable. "But at the same time, I am him. And I hate it! You know why? Because I hate him! I detest him with every fibre of my being. You have a right to think I'm not him if it makes it easier. He loves you more than anything else. And what does he do? Well, he just drops you back into this bloody universe with a disgusting half-human… thing that looks and feels exactly like him and expects you to be a bloody caretaker and…" His words got choked out by the emotion rising in his throat. His hand unconsciously reached out to cover the right side of his chest with shaky fingers, and she realised that it was directly over where his second heart would've been. He shook his head and scowled at his traitorous limb as he shoved his hands into his trouser pockets instead.
"Sorry, you didn't deserve that. But I just feel like I've been hollowed out." He admitted hoarsely. "It's just as bad as if someone chopped off my leg or removed one of my eyes with a spoon. How do you people cope?"
Rose swallowed around the lump in her throat taking a moment to come up with an answer. She could see the raw fear in his eyes. She never realised just how tough this was for him. It wasn't just stuck being in one place the rest of his life without a TARDIS. The physical changes, although below the surface, were probably scarier to him than anything else. This wasn't just like he regenerated and popped up with a new face. That he'd dealt with several times over and was probably somewhat used to. At least he knew what to expect then.
"We learn to adapt, I suppose. Takes time and effort, but with some help we move on." She said, honestly, her voice breaking as she spoke. Her heart breaking even more for him.
He nodded weakly.
"Help me, Rose." He sounded so small, so afraid. "I don't expect you to love me – cos, who the hell could? – just please. Help me." Not being able to bear seeing him like this, she practically flew across the kitchen and into his arms where he broke down into sobs himself.
"It's okay, Doctor, I'm here for you. I'm here." She rubbed his back soothingly as he buried his face into her hair.
"I don't deserve you." He sobbed. She pulled him closer, her eyes pricking with sympathetic tears. Now she really felt bad for herself, stressing over her feelings and not even giving a thought to the hell he was going through. And that's when she realised.
That's when she knew.
"You're wrong, Doctor." She murmured into his chest, his name no longer feeling awkward for her to say. She pulled away from him slightly and looked him in the eye.
"No, I…" The rest of that sentence was interrupted as Rose stood on her tiptoes and kissed him gently. He stood there, completely dumbfounded for a long moment after she pulled away.
"I could love you. I do love you."
"How can you say that after I've been so horrible?"
"Because you're the Doctor that can say what really matters." She graced him with a small smile. He gave her a watery smile back before ducking down and kissing her back.
"Rose Tyler, defender of the Earth and my beautiful saviour." He chuckled against her lips before resting his forehead against hers. "What are we like, eh?"
"Well," She drew out the vowel in a surprisingly good imitation of his voice, "I seem to recall you calling us 'the stuff of legends' once."
"Hmm… aren't we just." The Doctor stole one more quick kiss before whirling away and resumed preparing the tea. Rose laughed at him, remarking how "terribly domestic" the sight was.
They had a long way to go, but Rose was confident they would make it. Together.
And they sat there, talking, laughing and catching up, until Jackie found them the next morning passed out at the kitchen table blissfully asleep.