-2003-

Gill closed the door behind her and threw her shoes away. She slowly removed her coat. On the hanger there still was the blue trench she bought last Christmas for Dave. He wasn't coming back. He moved in with the whore five weeks before and looked very happy with his new accommodation. In a fit of rage Gill took the coat and slammed it repeatedly on the floor. It would have been a lot more satisfying if the man himself were inside. She marched straight to the kitchen and poured a glass of italian wine directly from her husband's expensive collection. She drunk it all up and put it back on the counter so violently that she broke the stem.

"Fuck!" Trying to clean she cut her palm. A drop of blood as red as the wine fell on the floor. She took the glass and threw it against the wall. She had been crying so much, she had nothing left.

"Hi." A small voice made her turn.

"Oh Rachel.. I forgot you were here. How's Sammy?"

"He's sleeping. I must have fallen asleep as well on the settee."

The young girl had her long dark hair in a messy pony tail. And a faint mark on the cheek resembling the cushion. She stepped closer and took Gill's hand. "Are you hurt?"

"A small accident with an uncooperative glass."

She gingerly pushed the older woman toward the faucet and cleaned the wound. "If you wait here I'll go and find a plaster."

"It's not.." But the girl was already gone. "..necessary." Gill told no-one.

When Rachel came back she gently dried Gill's hand and applied the plaster. "All done! Want me to kiss it better?" She immediately blushed. "I'm sorry! I must have spent too much time around children!"

"It's ok. Thank you Rachel. Do you want me to call you a cab?"

"My sister should be here in ten minutes. Do you mind if I wait inside?"

"Of course not." Gill took another glass from the cupboard. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-one. Almost twenty-two."

"Do you want a glass of wine Rachel-almost-twenty-two?"

"Yeah why not?"

They sit at the counter.

"Had a bad day?"

"Why?" Gill asked.

"My mom used to have glass-involved accidents when she was in a bad mood."

"Are you comparing me with your mom? I don't think I'm old enough!"

"You're nothing like my mom. But what can I know? I haven't seen the alcoholic bitch in ten years."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We're better off. Anyway I wanted to tell you.. I've almost finished uni and I applied to become a cop."

Gill smiled. "That's great Rachel. Are you sure?"

"I always wanted to be a copper."

"Let's drink to that, then. Cheers."

"Cheers."

Rachel's beautiful smile captured Gill's attention.

"What? Do I have something between my teeth?"

Gill laughed. "On the contrary. You have a contagious smile. It seems so innocent."

"I'm not innocent!" Rachel protested vigorously.

Gill held her hands up. "I said it seemed."

Rachel squinted her eyes not sure. "I've had lots of boyfriend and girlfriends."

"I'm sure you have no problem whatsoever with finding a companion."

"Sex is easy, the rest.. I'm working on it."

"We are all working on it." Gill's eyes were suddenly distant.

"I'm sorry. About your husband.." Gill shrugged. "I can't understand how someone could do something like that to you. Being so lucky and throw it all away. I would never.." Rachel stopped abruptly. Gill was staring at her and she regretted her little speech. "I'm sorry, I'm just the stupid nanny. Sometimes I talk when I should just shut the fuck up... And sorry for swearing too."

"As long as you don't swear in front of Sammy you can do whatever you please. And my soon to be ex-husband is a knob. I agree."

Rachel was glad she didn't fuck up for once. Especially with the woman she'd had a crush on since she started babysitting her son over a year before.

"Do you want me to clean the glasses on the floor?"

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"It's no problem." Rachel took the gloves from the sink and kneeled.

"You don't have to." Protested Gill kneeling close to her.

"It's ok. I don't think it would be nice being reminded of... this tomorrow."

Gill looked at her with gratitude. She tried to pick up a piece but Rachel slapped her hand. "You're going to cut yourself again. Let me. I'm used to it. My father can be quite messy."

Gill wondered what kind of family this girl had. She trusted Rachel with her son but knew almost nothing about her.

"See? All done!" Rachel stood up and threw away the glass. She held one gloved hand to help Gill standing up. When the older woman took it she pulled maybe too hard because they ended too close to each other to be comfortable. For a moment their eyes met and Rachel thought it would be so easy to let herself go and kiss her. But Gill moved abruptly away. How could she be attracted by such a young girl? Was she so similar to her husband? But she would never have destroyed their marriage. He did and now she was alone in her kitchen with a gorgeous girl wearing yellow plastic gloves and staring at her like she was the only woman left on earth.

"Rachel.."

"I know, I'm sorry." She lowered her eyes. "My sister should be here any minute now. Maybe I should go outside."

"Please stay, it's freezing." Gill lift up her chin. "I'm flattered."

"Not enough." Rachel stated annoyed with herself more than with Gill.

"If I kissed you now, it would be to hurt my husband. It wouldn't be fair to you."

"He would deserve it! He is an asshole for leaving you. You are an incredible woman and I would give anything just to kiss you."

"I can't Rachel, I'm sorry."

A horn from the street startled both and they turned to the window. Rachel breathed deeply. On impulse she hugged Gill tight and murmured in her ear. "I can't work here anymore, I'm sorry. I'll send a friend of mine till you find a new nanny." She suddenly felt Gill's arms hugging her back and desperate tears begun pushing at the corners of her eyes. "One day everything will be different and I will come back for you."

She ran away leaving Gill and her regrets alone in the kitchen.

-2006-

Rachel was in the patrol car waiting for her partner to get his usual midnight kebab when the radio started chatting.

She rolled down the window and yelled. "Hey dumbass we need to go. Do you think you can postpone your snack or shall I tell them to wait?"

He hurried back. "With that mouth you'll be in patrol for the next forty years."

"You mean like you?"

"Ah ah, bitch. Where are we going?"

"Start the bat-car Robin, it's a homicide."

There were already at least twenty coppers on the scene, the street all lit up in red and blue.

"It must be big." he muttered in annoyance. Rachel was excited, that was what she wanted to work on in a few years, the big stuff.

For now her duty was to settle the perimeter and prevent anybody to get inside. A dark unsigned vehicle stopped in front of her and a woman got out.

"Hey madam you can't.."

"I do hope I can since I'm the one running the show."

"Oh I'm sorry madam.." The woman stepped into the light. "Gill? I mean, DC Murray."

"Hello Rachel. And it's DCI now."

"I'm sorry.. I mean congratulation."

Gill smirked and pointed to the scene. "I should.."

"Of course, right." And she lifted the tape to let her in.

She watched Gill walk in the middle of the chaos giving orders to every single one of the men and the few women. She was so tiny and yet her confidence meant that even the most misogynistic old copper in Manchester was at her beck and call. After almost three years Rachel wondered again what she wanted most, be her or be with her. But it was a useless loss of time. DCI Gill Murray.. it was a miracle she remembered her name. She unloaded her frustration on every curious passer-by.

Rachel could see the first rays of dawn behind the buildings on the right side of the street. The job was almost done. CSOs were inside and soon she would be asked to leave her place for another poor bastard to get his ass frozen.

"Hey kid, you done?"

Rachel, having mastered the art of sleeping standing up looking very menacing, jumped. "Yes I.." She looked at her watch. "I finished two hours ago."

"Would you care to take me home? I think my driver sleeps with one of the morgue girls he always disappears when there's a body."

"Sure, I have to.."

"I asked your boss, he was very happy to get rid of you."

Gill threw her the keys and headed for the car. Once at the door she stopped. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I.. I wanted to open it for you."

"Jesus kid, it's not the time of the day for this shit. Get inside."

"Yes madam." Rachel hurried behind the wheel. "Same place, right?"

"Yes, kid." She rubbed her face wearily. "So, you like being a copper?"

"Very much. But I don't want to be on patrol for long. I've heard there's an opening in sex crimes."

"Those are the worst."

"Worse than murders?"

"Sometimes.. But I'm glad you're doing good. You were always a clever girl."

"How's Sammy?"

"He's getting too old too fast. But he's a good kid."

After a long silence Gill laughed.

"What?"

"It's.. It looks like you have a very well made cop costume." And she seemed unable to stop giggling.

"You mean like a stripper?"

"No! I'm used to your messy hair and huge jumpers. And now look at you! All grown up. The safety of this city in your hands!" She tried to compose herself. "I'm sorry I'm very tired. And it was hell inside that house. I just needed a good laugh."

"Happy to help, boss."

"Thank God I'm not your boss!"
"You might as well be one day."

"I hope not." She whispered so softly Rachel couldn't be sure what she heard.

"We're almost home. You can rest a bit."

"I'll take a shower and than back at the office."

"I'm sorry. I can wait for you in the car, get you there when you are ready. I don't have to work till six p.m."

"You're very kind, but you don't have to."

"I want to. Who knows how long till I'll see you again."

Gill turned to the window and Rachel wondered if she had said something wrong.

She parked in front of the house and Gill put her hand on the handle. "Go home kid."

"I told you, I don't mind.."

Gill swiftly turned to her and took her face between her hands. "Go home."

Rachel lips parted and Gill stared at them. "You have to go home and never come back."

"But.."

Gill kissed her forehead. "That's an order." And in a moment was out of Rachel's reach and safe inside her home.

-2009-

Rachel barely survived her first day at the Major Incident Team. Between the continuous pranks of her new coworkers (that made her change her shirt twice) and the pursuit of a huge drug dealer that really didn't want to cooperate with the police, the only pleasant surprise was her new partner. A blonde woman, Janet something. She was very sweet and weirdly maternal for someone she just met. But Rachel knew she had only Janet to thank for not bursting into tears before noon.

At the end of the day all the guys invited her to the local pub and even though she was very suspicious of ulterior pranks they only made her pay the first round. Finally sitting alone with a well deserved glass of wine she let herself think of her new boss. Gill was beautiful as ever but a lot scarier. And she wondered how that could be possible since she wasn't a little girl anymore. She swore to herself that she was going to be good at her job no matter what.

She emptied her glass and went outside to smoke. She saw Gill sneaking in an ally behind the pub and followed her.

Her boss was lightening up a cigarette. It seemed pretty innocuous so Rachel decided to leave her alone.

"Rachel!"

The woman had spider senses, Rachel was sure. "Yes boss?"

"Keep me company. Do you smoke?"

Rachel waved the fag.

"I quit. That means that I only smoke in secret. So how was your first day?"

"Great!"

"Bullshit."

Rachel smirked. "I'm sure tomorrow will be better. And Janet seems a great person."

"She is, we've been friends for a long time. She's Sammy godmother."

"Oh I didn't know."

"Why would you?"

"I don't know.. I never saw her at the house."

"Kid, nobody knows that you.. used to babysit Sammy. We should keep it that way don't you think?"

"Something like 'the past is the past'?

Gill nodded.

"So.. maybe I can just say that I used to babysit this great kid and her mother was great too. I used to have a crush on her.."

"Kid."

"I'm just training for the lie I can tell Janet."

"Don't."

Rachel stared in her eyes. "Why the more years pass by the more I feel.. this pull towards you and the moment is always wrong, it even gets worse."

Gill looked behind her. "I don't know, kid."

"Stop calling me that. I'm almost the age you were when we first met!"

Gill stepped closer but then put a hand on Rachel's chest as she was desperately trying to keep a distance. "Don't you understand? I call you kid every time I want to kiss you, every time I need to remember that I can't."

They looked into each other's eyes and their breathing got faster and irregular until Rachel couldn't stand the physical pain of the proximity any more and turned to the brick wall hitting and kicking it till her knocks were bleeding and she was alone in the darkness.

-2013-

When the last guest, Sammy and his future wife included, were out of the house, Gill closed the door sighing deeply. But as she went back to the living room she found Rachel sitting on a chair.

"What are you doing here?"

"I crashed your party I might as well stay a bit longer. You changed the position of the furniture. Did you tell Sammy to pretend not to know me or did he just forgot?" Her eyes empty, her voice monotonous.

"It's really late."

"I know. I tried to leave a couple of times. It seems I'm stuck here."

"I need to sleep Rachel. I don't think I have to tell you what a day has been."
"No you don't. I watched it on the telly with Julie and Janet."

"Rachel please." Gill took her hand and tried to pull her up. "Come on, kid!"

"Is this one of those moments you want to kiss me?"

They've never talked of that night before. They've never talked at all.

"No, you're being an actual kid. Get your ass up!"

And suddenly Rachel was screaming. "I can't! Can't you see I can't?"

Gill lost her patience. "You selfish knob! I was almost killed today!"

"And I almost lost you!" Rachel cried out. And her pain startled Gill, she kneeled in front of her.

"I know Rachel, I know. I'm here now, it's all over."

"It's not. I watched the car on the monitors, every second could be the last and I had to be a copper but the only thing I could think of was that I've never kissed you, I've never made love to you, I've never told you.." But Gill put her fingers on her mouth.

"I know Rachel, I'm sorry."

"You don't! You fucking know nothing! You watched me make one mistake after another and did nothing. You were at my wedding, fuck you. Just fuck you Gill."

"Did you think even for a moment that it was easy? Watching you screw up every five minutes? The bastard lawyer, the idiot husband, even Kevin for fuck's sake! It wasn't easy Rachel, it was devastating. But I didn't know what to do, I still don't. It's your life kid, I can't intervene, I am no one."

Gill sit emptied on the floor and Rachel slid beside her. "You are the only one that matters. You've always been."

Gill eyes were filling with tears. "Don't say that."

"But it's not only in my mind, I'm not crazy."

Gill caressed sadly her face. "No, kid, you are not."

"Let me sleep with you. Just sleep. I need to know you are ok."

Gill stared at her, unconvinced.

But when they lay on the bed still completely clothed and Rachel hugged her from behind, all worries left Gill's mind. And in a moment of absolute perfection they fell asleep together, the bad day no longer hovering over them. At least for one miraculous night.

-2014-

The party went long over three in the morning and Gill overslept a little. Not like she had to hurry to a crime scene anymore. She wanted to spend the day doing absolutely nothing for once and see if she could survive. So she was quite surprised when her door bell rang at 9 in the morning. She adjusted her robe and went to the door.

"Who is this?"

"I'm here for Sammy, Miss Lipton from uni told me you needed a nanny."

Gill opened the door smiling. "Oh I'm sorry, Sammy is a little grown up for a nanny, he's getting married."

"Oh.. then maybe his mother could use some help? I've heard she's a big shot in the police department and I really want to be a copper one day."

"His mother retired. Just yesterday."

"Really?"
"Yes."

"Absolutely sure?"

"Pretty much."

"Then I guess.." Rachel looked suspiciously around.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm waiting for something really bad to happen."

"I don't see anything."

"Yes but I've been deeply traumatised by bad timing and such."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I think, I really think that's all in the past." Rachel looked at her watch and then show it to Gill. "You see this? This is what good timing looks like." She cleared her throat for more effect. "It's been eleven years, nine months and three weeks but I'm here to keep my promise. I came back for you." She kneeled in front of her. "Will you please reward this brave knight with a kiss. A good one, no pressure but I've been waiting a lot so.."

"Stand up you daft twat and take what you came back for."

Rachel stood in front of her and all the cheerful was suddenly gone. Instead all kinds of emotion overwhelmed them both.

"I.." Rachel tried but stopped.

"I know. After all this years telling each other not to kiss.."

"Yeah.."

"It's ok" She smiled and turned away. "Want a cup of tea, kid?"

Maybe it was that last 'kid', or the sudden fear that not seizing the moment would result in eleven more years of waiting, that made Rachel grab Gill's arm and pull her impossibly close. Their lips met and one of them, or maybe both, whimpered.

"Who knew Godzilla could be so emotional.." Rachel murmured kissing away all of Gill's tears.

"I was crying because it was such an awful kiss to wait for it so long."

"Yeah, sure." Rachel kept kissing her face and neck and then her lips again. "I'll never get enough of you." She opened Gill's robe and let it fall on the floor. "I don't know if my intentions are clear enough. I'm going to make love to you not in another eleven years, not even in eleven minutes. Do you want to go in your bedroom or should we do it in the kitchen where we should have done it the first time?"

"There's time for the kitchen, let's go upstairs, my knight in a hurry." She kissed her again and took her hand, leading Rachel to the place she had always belonged, in her arms.