This isn't a happy story. It's a story about Portia, Anthony, Bruce, Cassius, Jules and me, and by the end two of us are gone.
It's not a happy story, but it starts that way.
Rows of bleachers line the walls of the gym. I'm sitting with Portia up at the front, and for the first time in a while things seem okay between us. Near our seat is the stage; in its center is Anthony with the PA system. On a chair next to him is a box. Portia and I have been craning our necks to see what's inside of it. Capitoline Charter, meanwhile, is going crazy. I see freshmen waving streamers, jocks pumping fists, girls cheering, screaming, the student body seems like a huge connected ball of excitement. The band switches their tune and the drum beat picks up, and suddenly the football team is running through the side entrance. They're sprinting up and down the bleachers, shouting out to kids in the crowd, laughing, holding out their hands for high fives. The team makes their way to my side of the gym, and then Jules, my Jules, is being pulled up onto the stage and offered the mike, and Portia is nudging me and giggling and I'm blushing. He pushes it away with a grin to the bleachers but they start chanting "SPEECH, SPEECH," and Anthony keeps offering that mike and finally Jules takes it.
"Hey, Cap Charter," he roars. "So it's the first time in more than ten years that our school has won the championship."
There's a clamor of approval, a rush of sound. Jules continues.
"And I mean, a huge part of why we won is the team. I mean, these guys have worked their asses off. But this win is mostly thanks to you. You guys are the ones that staffed the fundraisers; you're the ones that were cheering us on at every match. We couldn't have done it without you."
This time the cheering is so loud I have to partially cover my ears. Looking around the gym, it's clear to me that they love him. It's no wonder so many students showed up to every game and fundraiser, for their quarterback they'd do almost anything. From my seat near the front, I examine my boyfriend's face carefully. Jules is smiling charismatically, but I can see his eyes flickering back and forth and from where I am I can see that he's sweating slightly. Anthony takes the mike back and they stand together on the podium.
To the average student, the seniors look like two sides of the same coin, popular, attractive, perfectly at home in their environment of rapt audiences and screaming crowds. I know these guys a little better though, and to me all the differences between them are apparent when they're right next to each other like now. Jules might look at ease to someone who doesn't know him, but under that thin layer of faux confidence he's totally agitated right now. His foot is tapping, and he keeps crumpling and uncrumpling his left hand. He loves the crowd as much as they love him, maybe more, but he hates to talk in front of a crowd. His speeches are good, full of emotion behind every word, but they take a great deal out of him. Anthony, on the other hand, seems to be energized by the attention. When he starts to speak his eyes flash and he looks like he grows a foot taller.
"What's up, you guys?" he starts. "So, like Jules said, we couldn't have done this without you. But this win is also thanks to someone else, someone Jules didn't mention. Sure, without a supportive school body the football team wouldn't exist, but without a quarterback it couldn't function. And so I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the quarterback. Dude, get back up here." During the speech, Jules had quietly slipped off the podium. Grinning, he returns to the stage.
"There's a reason you've been named MVP two years in a row. You're a natural leader. The whole school knows it, that's why you're the first ever student to be both senior class president and captain of the football team. You're a trailblazer, man, and that's why we want to offer you this." Out of the box, Anthony pulls the homecoming crown. Portia gasps. So that's what was in there. This is crazy, this has never happened, a student's never been named king before the dance, and Jules clearly doesn't know how to react. Anthony's gesturing toward the crown and Jules is backing away in a way that looks kind of bashful but is a little more desperate than that and the crowd is screaming its approval and suddenly I realize that Jules is panicking here. And I have to do something. So I stand up, run to the front, jump on stage and grab the mike.
"Hey, everyone," I say lamely. Portia and her boyfriend Bruce are staring at me dumbfounded. Cassius, the skinny little running back that Jules has called "the most two faced guy in school", is narrowing his eyes. Oh wow, from this viewpoint the crowd looks even bigger. And I don't really have the speaking skill of Anthony or the passion of Jules, so what am I even doing on this stage? I just have to get this over with as quickly as possible.
"So, most of you know me, right? I'm Jules' girlfriend," I laugh. There's a bit of scattered applause. "And Jules is too polite to do this, so I'm doing it for him. We'll take the crown, thanks. See you at Homecoming!"
Portia and a few of my friends are cracking up, but the rest of the gym is silent. I've never seen it shut down that fast. I try not to think about that, instead I focus on what I came up here to do, to get Jules off that stage. So I grab his arm and tug him down, and try to pull him back to Portia and my empty seat. But once he gets off that stage he snaps out of wherever he'd been, and suddenly Jules is the one pulling me, past the rows and rows of bleachers, out of the gym into the hallway. As we go, a freshman looks like he wants to stop us and say something, but Jules is pulling us too fast. We get outside and he turns on me.
"What the hell was that?" He is so angry. I've never seen him this way it's a little scary.
"Jules, I had to get you out of there." Why am I on the defensive, he should be thankful. "You were going to have another panic attack!"
"Oh my God, Callie, that was nowhere near happening," he chokes, pacing back and forth.
"Yes it was!" How is he denying this? "You froze up again! I saw it!"
"This was nothing like last time. And it's not your job to decide what I can't handle. I can take care of myself." Now he faces me again and starts on a new topic. "And why the hell did you accept that crown?" What? Why does that matter?
"Please, you were going to accept it in about five more minutes of stalling," I tease, trying to lighten the mood. "I'm sorry, I took your big moment away, but I was worried about you!" Now Jules is running his hand through his hair and pacing again, faster this time. If he's seriously annoyed because he didn't get to make some big acceptance speech, he's pettier than I thought he was.
"Jesus, Callie, you think I care about some big moment?" It's like he can read my mind. He's always so good at reading people. "Why did you think I would accept that crown? How could you think accepting it was a good idea?" Now I'm confused.
"What?"
"Callie, it looks so stuck up, like you just expected we'd be crowned king and queen. Why couldn't you just wait until the actual Homecoming Dance for your crown like everyone else in the history of this school?" Stuck up? The whole crowd was cheering for him to take it!
"That's crazy! They don't think it's stuck up, they love us!"
"They love us? How much do you think they loved us after your little speech?" Now I'm starting to wonder if he's right. The whole crowd was cheering for him to take it- until we actually took it. I remember the silence in that gym after I gave back the mike. I remember how only our friends were still clapping. Well, most of our friends. Even Bruce looked taken aback. And then I remember Cassius and those two guys from student gov whispering to each other after I took the crown, the crown I'm still holding, and how shady the two of us just walking out like that must have looked. Jules turns to me like he's read my mind again.
"We can't stay out here like this, it looks funny. Are you coming back in?" I shake my head. He shrugs and goes back in through the double doors. And I stand here, reflecting on how this is the most out of sync we've ever been. I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake.
Since the assembly, it's been weird around school. I've never been as popular as Jules or the other guys on the football team, but usually when I walk from class to class I get a few waves or smiles. And when I walk to class with Jules, for every couple fist bumps or "Hey, man!"s, I get a nod or two thrown my way. Since the assembly, the atmosphere just feels changed. On my own now I get nothing, no recognition from the crowd, and even when I'm with Jules, only half of the time it's high fives.
The other half is mutters and no eye contact. Even some of our friends seem like they're evading us. Cassius and a bunch of the other guys on the football team tend to hang back from us and whisper to themselves these days. Bruce has been acting differently too. He doesn't avoid us or anything like the others, but when we talk he seems distant and closed off. He's started to hang out with Cassius a lot more. I know Jules must have picked up on this if I have, and it must hurt him that he's losing his best friend to someone he hates so much. I don't know why everyone is reacting like this. It's just a crown. A silly, meaningless title.
On Thursday Portia and I are passing notes in Calc. She mentions Bruce, something about getting something for him for Homecoming, and I jump at the opportunity.
So what's with Bruce? I scrawl. He's been acting different around Jules and me. Portia sighs and then bends to scratch a reply.
He just has a lot going on. We all do. I roll my eyes. That's a non-answer if I've ever seen one.
Yeah, I know, but he's being really weird, even for being stressed out. I'm just worried about Jules, you know. They're really good friends and I'm worried for him if they drift apart.
Now Portia's the one rolling her eyes.
Oh my god, can you talk about something other than your boyfriend for a second? You're like a walking failed Bechdel test! You know, Brutus isn't the only one treating his friends different lately, but I don't see you worrying about our friendship!"
The note is violently scratched into the paper, and the word "our" is underlined four times. Wow. She was the one who brought up boys in the first place.
Hurt, I turn around and ignore her for the rest of class. At the end of the day we both apologize and make up in the way we always do, that is, we say sorry and ignore that we're both still hurt. She asks if I want to sleep over tomorrow, she says we can talk about something other than boys for a change, it'll be fun. I tell her I can't. Homecoming is on Saturday, and I need time to prepare. And truthfully, it's award between us again and I'd rather avoid her for a while.
Later I try to go back over that day in my head to see if there was anything different in those conversations. And though in hindsight I can pick out little warning signs, I know that truthfully there's nothing out of the ordinary about what was said. We'd had hundreds of conversations like it over the course of junior and senior year. We had been breaking apart, and I'd been denying it, and Portia had been calling me out on it. And the reason I keep trying to look for a warning sign in that conversation, something I missed, is because on Thursday night Portia killed herself.
And I know she didn't do it because of a stupid fight with her friend, because we'd had a million of those before just like it. I kind of wish it were directly my fault like that though, because then at least I'd know why she did it. In all the stories where someone kills themself, there's always a big red warning sign, some Reason for what they've done. With Portia's there's none of that. Thursday morning, she's there, same as usual, and then Thursday night you get the call and she's gone forever. And I mean, of course there were warning signs. There were days when Portia said she didn't believe in anything anymore, she'd say life was pointless, there were days where she'd sob into the phone because she was so terrified of the future. And these sound like huge warning signs when I put it like that, but I mean every kid at this damn school that I've ever known has had those days. Half of the time when she was confessing those things, I was right there with her, crying my eyes out too. The thing is, because everyone had days like that, I kind of stopped thinking of them as serious. I mean, if Portia had been the only person to ever go that dark then I'd have been seriously worried about her. But Jules had those days, I had them, Bruce and Anthony had them. I figured if we all had times like that then it was normal, nobody would ever do anything serious.
And now that Portia has, I'm wondering if everyone else will too.
Bruce comes to school on Friday, which seems weird to everyone. He looks really old, like he's become an adult overnight. Lunch is strange. It's Anthony, Jules, and me, and a few empty seats where Portia and Bruce would always sit. We're all quiet; we don't talk about Portia at all because nobody knows what the hell to say. Anthony tries to bring her up once, and Jules stands up like he's going to walk off. I pull him down gently and firmly say I want to talk about something else. We're sitting in silence when Bruce walks in and strides to a table to the right of ours. A handful of sophomores already sitting there collectively scatter as soon as he sits down. I wave to him and gesture for him to sit with us, and then our eyes meet. He looks at me with the most hatred I've ever seen in a person's face, and then he walks out of the cafeteria.
There are tears in my eyes, and Jules and Anthony are telling me not to worry about it, but I know Bruce blames me for Portia. And for all I know, he's right. I mean, I don't think she would have killed herself over anything I'd said or done, but then again, what do I know? I have no idea why she did it.
After last period I'm walking to the parking lot and I hear whispering. Which is normal since the assembly, but this time it's clearly Bruce's voice. It's coming from behind the half closed door of the student council room, and as I get closer I realize the other voice is Cassius.
"Look, I know it's the bitch who's running it, but it's not just about her, ok? The power is there for her to take because of who she's closest to. If we do this tomorrow, Jules goes down with her."
Tomorrow? Tomorrow is Homecoming. They're taking Jules down? Why? Now Bruce is saying something.
"No man, I'm not ok with that. She has to pay, but Jules has nothing to do with it." Back to Cassius.
"Dude, what she did to your girl was horrible. But this is about so much more than that. You saw her at the assembly. Jules was going nowhere near that crown, and then suddenly she gets on the stage and names herself Homecoming Queen? Man, she's got more power than the both of us combined and she's not even on student gov. And Jules has to go down too, because he's where she gets the power from in the first place. Think about it, if he's down, how is she going to get back up again?"
Brutus still seems unconvinced. He hisses something I can't hear, and then Cassius picks up again.
"You said it yourself; it's her fault Portia's gone. Do you really want someone like that in a position of power? Don't you think it's our job to take down a person like that?"
I can't listen to this anymore; I have to let Jules know. I turn the corner and pull out my phone, but before I tap his number I stop. How am I supposed to warn him without mentioning Bruce? I can't tell him his friend is plotting is destruction, then I would destroy him before Bruce even got the chance to do whatever he's planning. Jules loves his friends almost as much as he loves the school's opinion of him, he's already lost one friend for good, I can't be the one to tell him he's lost another. So I stand in indecision for a second, and then I call him. He picks up on the first ring.
"Hey, are you ok?" He sounds tired.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Look, I don't think we should go to Homecoming."
"What, why?"
"I just, I don't feel up to partying. And I just have a bad feeling about it."
There's a scratchy gust, he's sighing.
"I think the dance would be a perfect distraction for us. And what do you mean, a bad feeling?"
"I can't explain it, I just really think we shouldn't go."
"Ok, I'll think about it, but I really think this will be good for us."
I hope that when he thinks about it he'll realize I was right, but I know in my heart what he'll decide. He never listens to me. Sure enough, he calls me on Saturday at 6. I pick up knowing what he'll say.
"I'm going."
"I'm not."
"Callie, you can't ditch me like that. Come on, that's a shitty move."
"I told you I'm not going. God, I can't believe you're so insensitive."
"And I told you this would help you. Come on, you'll have something else to think about for a few hours."
"No. And if you go without me this time, then you can go to the rest of the dances this year without me too."
He ends the call abruptly. I'm crying a bit, but I did the right thing. If he goes alone, they'll have no reason to take him down, right? And if we aren't a couple anymore, then they won't try anything else, right? Maybe it's a cowardly move, but I did it for a good reason. And it's not completely my fault. I mean, if Jules had been more understanding, and stayed with me instead of going to the dance, then I wouldn't have broken up with him.
No, I had to break up with him; I had to keep him safe.
And anyway I can't even really be mad at him for choosing the dance over me. I knew from the start that he's always loved the student body more than anything else, and that he'd always choose it first. And I know he's broken up about Portia, more than he lets on. Adoring crowds, screaming fans, this is just how he heals. But on Saturday night I'm still sad to be alone, I'm still heartbroken that Portia's gone, I'm still worried that my move won't be enough, that Cassius and Bruce will take Jules down anyway.
My move isn't enough.
They take him down regardless. I don't know what they did at that dance, I've pictured something horribly clichéd along the lines of "Carrie", or maybe involving laxatives in the punch, but I've never really asked. All I know is that, according to Anthony, who tried to stop what was happening, by the end of the dance nobody in that room was cheering for Jules, they were all laughing at him. It didn't matter that I wasn't there. For Cassius it was never about me, he always had it out for Jules, and he manipulated Bruce into hating Jules too.
I can't blame Bruce. He lost Portia, and he'd loved her in a way Jules and I had never really experienced. He had to blame somebody for her death, and he couldn't blame himself, if it was his fault that she was gone, then how could he keep going? It had to be someone else's fault, and so it ended up being me, and then everyone I was close to. Everyone deals with pain in different ways, rage and blame is how Bruce does.
I can't be too mad at Cassius either. I mean, I was for a while, but he just didn't understand the severity of what was happening. A girl had died, and it had changed the people closest to her forever. Cassius didn't know Portia. When she died, it was like everyone around her grew up, we were all dealing with a grief Cassius couldn't comprehend, and he was left caring about stupid little things like student government.
That night, after the dance, Jules killed himself. And maybe you're thinking he's pathetic, for killing himself over some silly teenage humiliation session, but in that case I'd say you didn't pay enough attention. Like I keep telling you, Jules' greatest love was the student body, and once that love was gone he didn't have anything. And maybe it was silly to stake his dependence on one thing, especially one thing as fickle as a group of 900 highschoolers, but that single-mindedness was the reason he was so driven, the reason he was so great, the reason they loved him so much for so long. Their love was the thing that kept him going, and it was what took him down. When he looked out on that expanse of faces and saw it was gone, when he looked at Cassius and saw that hatred, when he looked at Bruce and saw it in him too, then Jules was gone.