A/N: I reread this story and noticed a few small grammatical errors that needed fixing. So I decided to update this story with a newly edited version. Only a few, very minor changes have been made.
Before this edit, two different versions of this story had previously been posted, but I took them down to revise them. This is the most recent version of the story.
Much of the dialogue in this story is inspired by the song "That Would Be Enough" from Hamilton. At the end, there will be another author's note with more a detailed description of what lines were taken from or inspired by the song.
Also, please note that I headcanon Tonks as nonbinary, so they/them/theirs pronouns are used throughout.
Warnings: Mentions of depression
Copyright Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, Hamilton belongs to Lin-Manuel Miranda. I own nothing.
That Would Be Enough
"Dora, everything about you is bright. From the colors of your hair that your mother so disapproves of, to the kindness in your heart," Ted Tonks said to his child. They were sprawled out on their bed in misery. "You can't let dark clouds cover your light."
"Maybe I'm too sad to be bright right now," they grumbled.
"I know that you're sad, but you haven't left your bed in two days."
"No, I got up a few hours ago." True, that had only been because a bout of morning sickness had sent them running to the bathroom. But given their circumstances, Tonks couldn't help but feeling that they had the right to stay in bed. "Weren't you the one who insisted I see that psychologist? The one who said I had depression?"
Memories of the previous year flooded Tonks' mind. Generally, the wizarding world considered the field of psychology to be muggle nonsense, but Ted and Andromeda Tonks never cared much about what pureblood elitists thought. They wanted their child to be happy, so they took Tonks to see Ted's cousin, a psychologist, who diagnosed Tonks with major depressive disorder. Now the Auror knew why dementors sucked the life out of them even when none were around.
Because after the Battle of the Department of Mysteries, after Tonks failed to defeat Bellatrix, the young Auror believed that had they been better at doing their job as an Auror, then maybe their aunt wouldn't have killed Sirius. These feelings of guilt and shame washed over Tonks, and the storm clouds Voldemort brought grew darker and darker until all the sunshine was blocked from coming through. Tonks blamed themself for their cousin's death but told themself that they couldn't cry over something they had caused, which made them push away all their grief.
However, they weren't the only one repressing their emotions. Tonks couldn't bear hearing the one they loved deny his feelings by insisting that he wasn't good enough for them. This fear of admitting love made Remus risk his life by infiltrating a pack of werewolves, which destroyed them. With all these stressors combined, they could no longer find it in them to spread brightness.
A small, bittersweet smile crossed Ted's face. "I know-but I thought you had gotten better."
Tonks could understand why their father thought that. The clouds started to clear after Remus accepted the love that he deserved. The joy over marrying him made the world go from black and white to bright colors, and their hair go from brown to bright pink.
"I was, for a while. But then Mad-Eye died and…" Tonks' emotions stopped their voice in their throat, remembering how, as they mourned the loss of their paranoid old mentor, all the progress they had made vanished. But they told themself that they would survive it. They were married to the love of their life and expecting a baby. But Tonks' work towards recovery shattered like glass when they woke up to a note from Remus on the bedside table. The words made their blood run cold in their veins: "I'm leaving to find Harry and his friends. You and the child will be better off without a monster like me."
"You've been through a lot recently, I know. But Dora, what did I tell you when you were little?"
Nymphadora Tonks rolled onto their side to look at their dad, who stood next to the bed. "To stop putting Dungbombs in the kitchen when we had company?"
"Well, I did tell you that. Quite a few times." Ted Tonks chuckled and ruffled his child's brown hair affectionately. "But that's not what I wanted you to remember when you grew up."
"I still remember my ABCs."
"No, no. I want you to always remember that you can put a smile on somebody's face even on their worst day." Ted paused. "Dora, you've always been my little ray of sunshine. It breaks my heart to see you like this."
"It wasn't enough. I couldn't keep Remus smiling, could I?"
A sympathetic expression crossed Ted's face. "Oh Dora. Remus didn't leave because of you."
"Why did he leave, then?" Tonks demanded. "If he loved me, he wouldn't have left."
"He left because he didn't love himself."
Tonks closed their eyes and took a deep breath. "Dad, thank you for visiting me. But can I please be alone right now?"
Ted kissed his child's forehead. "Of course, sweetheart. Your mother was making you a sandwich for lunch; I'm sure she'll be up with that soon."
Once their father had shut the door, Tonks was left in total darkness. They had pulled the curtains over the window, preventing any light from coming through. Their body felt numb and their hair had faded to a dull brown. They thought that they made progress, but as the expecting parent lay there, they realized that happiness was an illusion.
Tonks had lost the light from their eyes, lost their Metamorphmagus powers, and lost their will to live. But even in their darkest hours, they still Flooed to their parents' house for Sunday dinner. Even though they struggled to believe it, they recognized that their parents loved their child and would smile because they had visited. Tonks considered it a duty to care for those they loved. How could Remus have caused them this kind of pain? Did he not share their loyalty to family? Tonks whimpered, wondering if they cared about them at all.
But then their father's words echoed in their head. "He left because he didn't love himself." Tonks realized that Remus never wanted to hurt anybody, and had only abandoned them because he truly believed that it was for the best. Tears welled up in their eyes. How could someone hate themselves enough to believe that their family would do better without them?
A knock on the door interrupted their thoughts. With great effort, Tonks rolled over onto their side and faced the door. They expected their mother to be on the other side, so they quickly wiped away the tears. Mum would fuss over their child if she heard them crying. Struggling to find their voice, Tonks said, "Come in."
As the door creaked open, light from the hallway filled the dark room. Tonks shut their eyes, not wanting the unfamiliar sight to blind them.
"Andromeda told me you'd be here."
That couldn't be their mother, the voice was of…
"Remus?" Tonks' eyes popped right open. Sure enough, their husband stood in the doorway, illuminated by the hallway light. They sat up as Remus hesitantly walked towards the bed. He forgot to close the door behind him, so the light kept shining. Tonks' husband stood a foot away from their bed, as though not wanting to intrude upon their privacy. He looked at the floor but Tonks kept their eyes on him. His clothes were even shabbier than usual and he looked exhausted, but he was there.
After a moment of tense silence, Remus looked up. "Well, I came back."
"I can see that." Tonks pursed their lips, not sure whether to hug and kiss him or call him a gift for leaving them. "You can sit down, you know." They patted the spot on the bed next to them. Looking unsure of himself, Remus followed the suggestion. His face was gaunt, and there were prominent bags under the warm brown eyes that Tonks loved.
"Oh Tonks, how can you ever forgive me?" he started, turning to face them. "I thought I was doing the right thing, doing work for the Order, but to leave you all alone with a child to raise?"
"I'm not mad about you trying to do work for the Order. I knew you'd fight until the war was won."
"The war's not done," Remus murmured to himself.
Tonks continued, "But you deserve a chance to meet your son. Why can't you see that?" They longed to shake Remus by the shoulders and make him see reason. He had someone who loved him and the chance to become a father.
"From now on, family is my first priority. No more risky Order work."
"You have done an awful lot of dangerous things, but you've survived them all." After all they had endured from the war, they were still here. "Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now," they said softly.
"I don't think that right now is the best time to be raising a child, with the war going on and all."
"James and Lily did it. And you told me yourself that James was restless being stuck inside, but he never left his family."
A small, bittersweet smile crept onto his face. "That's what Harry told me."
"Harry? You saw Harry! Is he alright?" They bolted up, excited to hear he was safe. Tonks had grown rather fond of the boy and his friends. They could never comprehend why Dumbledore had entrusted the task of defeating Voldemort with three teenagers.
"Yes Tonks. He's alright. He knocked some sense into me, made me see what a coward I was."
Tonks sat back down. "You're no coward. But you did need some sense knocked into you. Can't you see that I love you?" They noticed Remus' hand gripping the side of the bed, and placed their hand over his.
"But I am too poor, too dangerous..."
"Are you really going at that rubbish again?" Tonks snapped.
They were both silent for a long time. Tonks squeezed the top of Remus' hand and his fingers trembled, scared to accept their love. Finally, he asked, voice hoarse with shame, "Will you relish being a werewolf's wife, unable to provide for your life?"
"I relish being your wife." Their hand left his and they placed it under his chin. They met his wide and self-loathing brown eyes.
Tears started in Tonks' own eyes. How could they make their husband understand that they loved him, that he deserved the world?
Well, if he came back, he must have begun to understand it. "You've come so far from where you used to be."
"Have I? I'm still a poor old werewolf." Remus wiped a tear off of their cheek. Tonks slid their hand onto his shoulder and pulled him closer to them.
"You know I don't care about any of that!" Tonks whispered, their breath hitting his face. "The fact that you're alive is a miracle. Just stay alive. That would be enough." The thought of losing him like Sirius and Mad-Eye sent shivers down their spine.
Remus pulled himself away from them. "But what if the child turns out like me?" he asked, burying his face in his hands.
A rush of sadness flew over Tonks, replacing the urge to knock some sense into Remus. The world had taught the man they loved that he should be ashamed of his lycanthropy. They stroked his hair. "Oh, you poor dear."
"Channeling Molly Weasley?" Remus lifted his head, a half-hearted smile on his face.
"You could use Molly Weasley hugging you and filling you up with some hot food and tea!" Tonks chuckled lightly and wrapped their arm around his shoulders.
They leaned towards him and murmured into his ear, "Maybe our son will be a werewolf, though I doubt that. But if he has even a fraction of your mind or your smile, then he'll take the world by storm, and that's enough."
Remus closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Tonks placed their head on his shoulder. After a moment's consideration, he leaned his head onto their. They sat like that, in silence and contentment, for a minute. The light from the hall shined on them, warming both of them.
Then Remus remembered his stupid sense of nobility. He straightened his neck and said, his tone business-like, "Tonks, we've only been together for a few months. You haven't seen what it's like for me, being a werewolf."
"I mean, I don't pretend to know what you're facing. What it's like for you every month." Tonks met his eyes, a smile starting on their face. "But I'm not afraid. I know who I married. So long as you come home at the end of the day-that would be enough."
"I want you to be happy." Remus' voice shook.
"So stay with me! Do you know how much you broke my heart when you left? My hair turned brown again!" Remus snapped his head towards them, pursing his lips in concern. "I've been in my dark room for two whole days, because my depression started acting up again."
Shame filled Remus' eyes. "Tonks, you're the brightest person I know. You're like a ray of light. And to think that I dimmed that light...how can you ever forgive me?"
"Just let me love you. We don't need a nice house or money. That won't make me happy, but if I could grant you peace of mind, if you could let me inside your heart... Please, let me be a part of your story."
"My story's a pretty drab one, you know," Remus said. But a twinkle of light had entered his eyes.
"It's still a story that I want to be part of. Let this moment be the first chapter where you decide to stay."
"Oh, Dora…" Remus wrapped his arms around them, and Tonks suppressed a shout of joy. They buried their head in his shoulder, and he rested his chin on the top of their head. "I'll stay, I'll make you happy."
"Promise?"
"I'll stay with you. Until the very end." Remus pulled back from the embrace and met Tonks' eyes.
"And I could be enough?" they asked.
"You've always been enough."
"And we could be enough?"
"I don't care if I don't have the money to support you. I just care that we're together." He made his way towards the window and pulled open the curtains. Light filled the room, warming the ache in Tonks' heart. They walked towards Remus, finally finding the strength to leave their bed.
As Tonks walked towards the window where Remus stood, they saw the bright sun in a clear blue sky, not a single cloud stopping it from shining. Hopefully, the two of them could find a way to stop the clouds from blocking their light.
Once they were standing in front of him, they met his eyes again. "Wait a second. Something's wrong here." Remus' eyebrows shot up with concern. Tonks just twisted their face in concentration, and suddenly their hair turned bright pink.
Remus' face lit up with a warm smile. "I do love that color on you."
"I love you, Remus." Tonks took a step closer to him.
"I love you too, Dora."
Tonks sighed in happiness. "That would be enough." They leaned forward to kiss Remus, and his lips met theirs. The kiss started out soft and gentle, but grew fierce with love and longing and the promise of forever. Because Remus would stay forever.
Forever would just be shorter than anticipated.
A/N: The lines taken from the song "That Would Be Enough" are as follows: "I knew you'd fight until the war was won (The war's not done) but you deserve a chance to meet your son" "Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now" "I relish being your wife" "The fact that you're alive is a miracle. Just stay alive, that would be enough" "But I'm not afraid. I know who I married. So long as you come home at the end of the day-that would be enough" "Let this moment be the first chapter where you decide to stay" "And I could be enough" "And we could be enough" "That would be enough."
The following lines were inspired by lines from the song "That Would Be Enough": "Will you relish being a werewolf's wife, unable to provide for your wife?" "You've come so far from where you used to be" "But if he has even a fraction of your mind or your smile, then he'll take the world by storm, and that's enough" "I mean, I don't pretend to know what you're facing. What it's like for you every month" "We don't need a nice house or money. That won't make me happy, but if I could grant you peace of mind, if you could let me inside your heart. Please, let me be a part of your story."
Thanks for reading!