The day was peaceful. Birds were chirping, the trees were chatting with each other, and the little elves of the Kokiri Forest were holding hands, skipping around like larks in the glen. The sun shone bright on…

I'm sorry to inform you that this is not how the story you are reading begins. This story does not even involve any thing remotely close to sunshine, chirping birds, or little elves holding hands and skipping around like larks in the glen. This story is so repulsive, in fact, that I have gotten several complaints from people who know some people who have been emotionally scarred by this tale. I must, as the recorder of these historic happenings, warn you of what is to come. This is, as I have said, a repulsive story; one in which you will regret reading after the first few chapters. Please, I implore you to click the Back button on your web browser and go about doing something else if this fiction novel offends you in any way. If you take this advice and end up leaving this web page, here are a few examples of what you can spend your free time doing: begin a grand campaign to save the Pacific dolphins, feed the poor, go spend a great amount of money on shoes, eat some pie, or read a non-repulsive book.

I must also mention that if you are at all offended by big swords, wrinkly old sages, seven-year slumbers, runaway princesses, dying trees, ghastly pale Hylian boys, or kidney and cucumber pie, you might as well not even bother reading past this sentence, because this will not be the story for you. By some awful twist of fate, it is my dreadful duty to tell you the tale of a poor, ghastly pale Hylian boy who goes by the name of Link. Since it is apparent that you wish to continue onto the story, I suppose that I can not stop you. But, for the record, please refrain from having your head deflate if this story gets too depressing for your taste.

With all due respect,

Feonicks Outreach

Every story begins with a scene. A beautiful scene or an ugly scene… They all begin with something big happening. "Lord of the Rings" by JRR Tolkien began with a 111st birthday. "Star Wars Episode Four" by George Lucas began with Darth Vader capturing Princess Leia. "Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book" by some random cooking experts began with a Nutrition Analysis section. All these stories…all stories in general, begin with an event taking place. Oh, but not this book…

This story begins with a little, ghastly pale, Hylian boy named Link laying in his bed. Link had consumed three alcoholic beverages prior to this dull, dark morning, and was at the time unconscious. I must warn you, if you ever come across a drunken Hylian, it is best to run as far as you can as fast as you can before the Hylian realizes you're there. If you are an unfortunate bystander when a drunken Hylian regains consciousness, I would have to bid you farewell, for chances of your survival are slim to none.

I know a man who knew a scientist who performed extensive experiments, attempting to study the mindset of Hylian beings. Take note that I said, "I know a man who KNEW A SCIENTIST". My colleague KNEW the scientist, for you see, one of his Hylian subjects—a bodyguard for the King of Hyrule—escaped from his containment compound, and well… let's just say, the scientist never studied the art of resisting having flaming stakes smacked against his backside. The scientist was

soon found laying on the floor of his laboratory, quivering and foaming at the mouth. His five experimental victims were not in their cages; they had escaped, and were never found. The scientist was soon accepted into the Hylian Hospital For The Mentally Troubled, and he is still there today.

So, as it is obvious, a Hylian is something that should not be tampered with, especially when it is drunk and unconscious. However, there are several types of creatures that could care less about what a Hylian boy or girl threatened to do to them. One of these sorts of species is fairies. In fact, as I remember, a fairy was, at that very moment, flying into the small tree house that the Hylian boy was asleep in.

And this is where the story begins. Did I not tell you, dear reader? It is not exciting. It is boring and dull; I am sad to say that it will begin to pick up pace, though. It will begin to pick up a sad, depressing, repulsive pace in the next chapters to come.

I, the documentationary expert of this written work, am happy to say that I do not have ownership of Zelda, Link, or any other characters that take part in this terrible tale of woe and despair. If I did, I would have probably committed a terrible act of insanity by now, for this tale is so revolting that it makes you want to rip out your eyes and sell them to someone who could really use them.

Until the next terrible chapter,

FEONICKS OUTREACH