Hey, everyone! Lincoln Loud here. A lot of people have been asking me a ton of questions about my "relationship" with Ronnie Anne. From my friends at school to my own sisters, pretty much everyone and their mothers keep hammering me, asking me, "Lincoln, are you and Ronnie Anne actually a couple?" "Hey, Lincoln! What's it like dating the toughest girl in school?" Well, have I got a treat for all of you! That's right, instead of just telling you all what it's like to date her, I'm gonna write down right here in this journal the highlights of our romantic misadventures together. I guarantee that after reading my list, you all will have a better idea of what it's like to to date someone who's just as tough and manly as you, including all the trials and hardships accorded therein. I hope you like sloppy joes down your pants, because here we go!
1. Your pants will have to be washed 75% more than in the average relationship.
Yeah, I wasn't kidding with that sloppy joe thing. You know how you're used to the feeling of nothing being down your pants? Well, you might wanna get used to not being used to that feeling (if that makes any sense), because your butt is going to be drowning in all sorts of food products every single lunch for the entire time you're dating your special tomboy! Not to worry though; it feels uncomfortable at first, but over time, it just feels like your sitting in the water of a beach and it ends up becoming something you just can't see yourself living without. Besides, the food ends up there anyways, so why not make the trip faster? So don't you worry! Your butt's gonna be fine!
If there's anything you should be worried about, it's your pants, plural emphasized. Trust me, you will have to use up almost an entire week's worth of laundry detergent to even get a start on cleaning all of the mold, barbeque sauce, and vegetable oil that's going to stick to those things like my hands to a new Ace Savvy comic. And to make matters worse, all of your sisters are going to hound you to hurry up with your load, and you'll keep telling them that you have so many dirty pants that it'll take tons of time, and then they'llgetallangryatyouandthreatentoturnyouintoahumanpretzeland and...and…. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah! Long story short, get ready to wash those pants! …..Or at least, buy a lot of new ones.
2. You will experience around an average of 27 hand cramps on a weekly basis.
And where will these endless hand cramps come from, you might be asking? Well, let me answer that question with one of my own: what is the favorite place where a tomboy wants to hang out with a boy like you? The video arcade! And everyone knows that if somebody goes to the arcade with someone, they'll never want to play games on their own. So who will they turn to to play with them throughout the entire visit? You. That's right; your hands are going to be tied on those buttons and joysticks, and you'll have to work them down to the bone just to keep up with that special someone.
Now, you might be thinking, "Oh, what? Can't I just play lightly and not overwork my muscles?" Well, I've already tried that, dear reader, and what your date will do then is insist that you "try harder, you big wuss," and then you'll have to work in all the expert level combos that requires all sorts of quarter circle forwards and half circle backs while at the same time mashing all of the buttons in some absurd order. And even then, you'll only be able to get your guy to a simple fireball attack while your honey is just wailing on you with all sorts of long combo strings that make you just want to give up entirely. So yeah, get ready to have your hands cramp up to no end from the hours upon hours piled onto your nonexistent video game career.
P.S. There is no guarantee that you will actually get better at the games; just that you'll be playing them a lot.
3. Your confidence in your masculinity will drop to lifetime lows.
Okay, this one may seem like a bit of a stretch, but just hear me out. In a normal relationship, you'd be used to each person being within their respective roles; you will like all of your boys things and the girl will like all of her girl things. Not when your dating a tomboy, because everything will go topsy turvy when your partner ends up being into everything you're into. Now, that alone would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that they'll outclass you in said events too! You have that high score in Total Turbo XXII? She comes along and doubles it. You have a limited edition comic book? She's already read it and memorized it word for picture. And when the dust settles, all that'll be left with is you feeling like a dust eating loser who can't even catch up to a girl.
….Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I just stink at the whole "manliness" thing. Heck if I know.
4. You will gain around 100+ new nicknames.
Oh hohoho, this one will be a doozy. Yeah, your special tomboy will have in store of mean nicknames, mostly derived from your own name, to spring out at you either when you least expect it, or when you greet each other every day. And just when you think that someone just can't twist your name around to make it sound like their mocking you, surprise! They'll shoot one out at you like nobody's business. I don't even know how they're able to do it! It's like they just have this dictionary in their heads that just helps them come up with all these stupid, albeit brilliant, ways to utilize your name and turn it into weapons that can put you down in a heartbeat. To let you know what you're in for, let me tell you a few of my nicknames as some examples:
-Lame-O
-Stinkcoln
-Loud
-Ape Lincoln
-Ape Stinkcoln
-Ape Lame-O Stinkcoln
Okay, granted, the large amount of nicknames will most likely come from your tomboy mashing together the small names into gigantic lump names. But even so, they'll all sting just the same. But, on the bright side, you'll gain skin as thick as a concrete building! So really, as long as you learn how to roll with the punches and take the good with the bad with whatever comes your way, you're going to be spic and spiffy. If you can't...well, ya might wanna find a super scientific sister to create these concealed ear buds that detect certain nicknames and turn them into your real name.
5. Your schedule will have to be 70% devoted to your tomboy.
This is one aspect of your dating experience that really won't be any different from dating a regular girl, unfortunately. Yes, even girls who have the same interests as you will want to be paid attention to almost every single waking moment of your day. But this time, it'll be even worse because….well, okay, I'll be the first to admit it; us boys are gross. And one of the perks of having a girly girl as your special someone is that you will be able to take a break from being your usual gross self just for a few hours per day. Not with tomboys, oh no no no no no. For better or for worse, they will embrace your grossness and insist on sharing your gross activities the entire time you're with each other. And from there, you'll come home covered in Cheese Knot dust and mud, and you'll have to jump straight into the shower every single time you get the chance to. Refreshing? Yes, but not all too practical.
6. You will be the envy of 0% of your friends.
Ooh, and this right here is the big kick to the gut. You know how one of the reasons you even want to find a girlfriend in the first place is to gain some bragging rights that you can bring up over and over again in your little circle of loners. Well, that's kinda off the table with your tomboy, as the people who will actually believe you are dating one will either be glad not to be in your shoes, or will be too invested in their own feminine girlfriend to even care. And then there's the people who won't even believe that you're dating is a girl version who's virtually identical to them in the first place. What's that? You're dating someone who actually likes to play video games and eat all sorts of gross food at Gus's Games and Grub without being forced and/or bribed into doing so? Please. Get real.
Although, that might be because I may or may not have told my friends I have this huge harem of girls consisting of people I've made eye contact with for a few seconds. And then they found out and refused to believe anything I say about romance anymore. Sooooooo, ehehehe, maybe I'm not the best judge.
Now, by this point, you might be questioning why you ever wanted to date someone like Ronnie Anne, and your head might be going bananas trying to figure out how I'm even able to put up with her long enough to even consider having a long term relationship. Well, the thing is….I can't really say. Not because I don't know, but simply because I can't find the words to describe the feeling I have for her… So, really, all I can do is ask you to trust me and finish off this list with:
7. Despite it all, you will love each other, and it'll all be worth it in the end.
At the end of the journal, there was nothing but a photo of Lincoln and Ronnie Anne holding each other's hands, their fingers intertwined, as they both gazed into the sunset.