Jiraiya's Harrowing Day
Jiraiya was having, as one could say, an off day. As he wandered the streets of Konohagakure, his mind wandered as well. Back to that day. It seemed so long ago, now. He really had to think back. It had been Tsunade's birthday. Her twenty-fifth birthday to be exact. (Well, Tsunade said it was her twenty-fifth birthday.) Jiraiya had snickered in the back of the room as she gave her speech for her birthday. It hadn't been that long, really. Thank you, citizens. Blah blah blah. I'm so proud to be Hokage. Blah blah blah. As he listened, Jiraiya had just shook his head. The woman could be long-winded. Even for a fifty-two year old. That's how old she really was. She would never admit it, and if anyone had said that, they wouldn't be living very long. Finally, her speech wrapped up, so Jiraiya had busied himself at the cocktail table, flirting with the girls and telling them his own long-winded stories about how he single-handedly saved Konoha from a giant, three-headed snake. Of course, the three-headed snake wasn't the only thing that was giant, he said, winking around at the girls who hadn't already left his company. All he had gotten was a snicker or two, and the backsides of heads.
About an hour later, after ruefully rubbing a cheek that was burning, he had taken to drinking the complimentary sake that had been left out. As the guests filtered out of Tsunade's bedroom, he simply sat in a stool at the back, reminiscing and drinking himself to death. She had staggered up, smiling drunkenly at him. "So...you're not dead yet, huh, you old lecher?"
"Me? Never. You know that..."
"Ha! Right. I'm supposed to believe that you weren't flirting, huh?"
"We weren't talking about that at all..."
"You silly goose, you. Always trying to sweet talk me. Well, it won't work. A woman of thirty-two knows when a man wants to get into her pants..."
"I thought you said you were twenty-five?" She blinked slightly at him, suddenly grabbing out and snatching the sake glass in his head. Downing it, she slammed the glass back down, taking a breath before smiling at him.
"Thirty-two, twenty-five. The difference is only twelve years..."
"Um...seven years..."
"Are you contradicting me, Jiraiya?" Sighing, the man decided to just give up.
"No. I would never do that..."
"Good! Give me more of that!" Taking the bottle of sake from him, she proceeded to down the entire thing. Now, Jiraiya had had two viable options. One, he could go get another bottle of sake from the table. Surely the results of said option wouldn't be heavy enough to weigh him down, correct? Or two, he could cut his losses with what would surely be a raving, drunk Tsunade and leave now. He could always find a bar open at night, and he could continue to drink away his sorrows of being a fifty-three year old man with no one to live for.
Of course, the open sake bottles were free, and he would have to pay for them at a bar. Reasonably, he told himself, the best things in life are free. Therefore, the only logical solution to his dilemma would be to drink as much as possible at Tsunade's, thereby saving her by removing temptation. That was just what he began to do. Of course, being Tsunade, she also decided to finish the rest of the sake. Why leave good sake to waste, right? So, as the night wore on, the two began talking, drinking as they did. Already drunk, they were slowly bringing their blood-alcohol level up to extreme heights...without much more than blinking.
"You...you know, Jiraiya. I was thinking...about the old days..." By now, the woman was quite intoxicated. The fact that she was bringing up the 'old days' was a moot point to the former. Jiraiya had just shrugged.
"I try not to relive those days. Too painful." She had smiled. He could smell the alcohol on her breath. This fact was quite surprising...considering his breath probably smelled just as bad.
"Painful, Jiraiya? Why is that?"
"Being rejected by a beautiful woman more than once has an effect on a man. It becomes...monotonous." Taking another swig of the sake, he breathed out, setting down the bottle and staring at it. "Orochimaru was right. I turned out great, didn't I? Here I am, an old man, drinking his life away. What did I ever contribute to this place, huh?"
"Don't say...don't say that, Jiraiya! You're...you're...hehe...I don't know. You're great, you know?" Her hand touched his, and he looked at it. Her skin, unlike his, was smooth to the touch. Cool...almost sensually more effective than the best of baths or the women that bathed in them.
"Thanks. That's...comforting." Swishing the bottle in his hand around, he downed the last bit, sighing and standing shakily. "Well, I better get going. You have Hokage stuff to do tomorrow...and I have old man stuff to do tomorrow. You'd better get your rest." He stood, feeling her hand slip from his. His vision was blurry, but if the four Tsunade's in front of him was any indication, he was very drunk...and liable to do stupid things unless he left.
"Where are you going at this time of night, Jiraiya?" He could hear the sincere concern in her voice. She was genuinely worried about him. Or, at least, she was genuinely drunk enough to be genuinely concerned about him.
"I dunno. Somewhere. Goodnight, Tsunade..." He had turned, about to leave, when her hand forcefully stopped him. Her fingers were digging into his arm. It hurt, but more than that...it was more comforting to feel those fingers than anything he had ever experienced.
"I...I don't want you to go. You know...sometimes...it's hard to be a lonely old woman, to." He blinked, looking down at her hand.
Jiraiya smiled, glancing up as the sun played around on the red bricks of the building next to him. To tell the truth, even to himself, that was the last thing he remembered. The next thing he knew, he was in bed, smiling, a naked woman's arm over his chest and the drunken breathing of said woman against his ear. Of course, the best times in life are usually followed by the worst. If anyone had told him that Tsunade's temper could fluctuate any more than it did in the beginning, he would have called that person a liar. Not only a liar, he would have bet money on the fact that they were wrong...
He would have lost quite a bit of money...because he, like every other sane individual in the world, had never seen Tsunade pregnant...
Jiraiya shook his head, glancing down at the stones as he walked over them. How in the hell...and this was pure speculation on his part, for he didn't truly understand the philosophical meanings, nor the full anatomical workings of a woman, but still...how in the hell did an old, fifty-whatever year old woman get pregnant? For that matter, how in the hell did a fifty-three year old man get someone pregnant to begin with. Sure, he wasn't discounting his own body. He was probably the most virile male in all of Konohagakure. Sure, perhaps the entire nation of Japan. However, he still couldn't surmise how it worked out.
He remembered the conversation he had had with the woman just an hour ago.
She had walked up to him, seductively, her arm wrapped around her middle...which was considerably bigger now. "Jiraiya-kun...sweety...I'm sooooo hungry. I need something for my stomach. Would you be a dear and fetch me a container of ice cream?"
He had looked up from his notes, eying her from the kitchen table, where he had been busy with thoughts for his next book. "Tsunade-hime, I have the perfect idea for my next best-seller. Can this wait for tomorrow? I really, really need to finish this." She pouted for a moment, than seemed to brighten up.
"Jiraiya...remember when we got drunk on my birthday?" He sighed. This old routine. It was always best to entertain her ideas.
"Yes, dear. I do. Well...I sort of do, anyways. The memories are...fuzzy."
"Then, remember when you said that you loved me, and you would do anything for me?"
"Hmm...I remember something along those lines. But, Tsunade...sweety...baby...darling...I..."
"Remember when you promised you would get me things when I needed them...seeing as how I'm pregnant and all?"
"Well...yeah...but do you need it this second? I'm almost done...I just need a few more hours, and..."
"Well, Jiraiya-kun..." Then, her voice took on a much more edgy tone...as if a shark were circling a minnow. "You said all that. You remember yourself. I am a fifty-plus year old woman, and I have your child in my stomach. And! I...Want...Ice cream..."
"Yes...but, dear, please. I just need to..."
Jiraiya smiled again to himself. That's when she had thrown him out that plate glass window. He rubbed the back of his head ruefully. That would cost him a pretty penny to replace. Plate glass wasn't cheap in Konohagakure, that was for sure. Glancing to the side, he smiled at two pretty women coming from a dress shop. Whistling over at them, he stopped, waving. "Hey there, girls!" They turned to look at him for a moment before giggling and walking on by. Smiling to himself, he nodded. "Still got it." Of course, Tsunade would have something to say about that, too.
"Hey, Jiraiya-kun. You know how you always look at other woman all the time?"
"All the time? I wouldn't say...all the time. I notice a pretty girl every once in a while...but all the time? Isn't that a little...excessive?"
"Jiraiya...sweety...you look at them a lot, right?"
"Well...my eyes do tend to wander, I suppose. But..."
"Well then, Jiraiya-kun..." That same, acid-toned voice. The kind that could strip paint off of a wall. He glanced up, slowly, fearfully, seeing her wielding a large pair of stainless-steel scissors. "If I catch you doing it, I'll use these...and I'm not talking about cutting out coupons. Got it?"
That Tsunade. She loved him terribly. It was his good-looks. It was a curse, really. Jiraiya chuckled, still walking, but not watching where his feet were taking him. Suddenly, he bumped into another. "Oh...sorry about that. I didn't watch where I was going."
"Ero-sennin. Watch it!" Jiraiya sighed. Great, Naruto. Just who he wanted to bump into.
"Naruto. Sorry, but get out of the way. I'm on an important mission."
"To do what? Buy your stupid, nasty, sleazy books from the store again?" His eye raising and twitching slightly, the older man fought for control over his fist...which threatened to strike.
"No. For your information, I'm on a very important...Hokage related affair."
Naruto's eyes went wide, the word Hokage striking a nerve. "Hokage-related affair? Really, Jiraiya-sama? Really really really?" Jiraiya smiled. Finally, a little respect from the nuisance.
"Yes. I'm buying ice cream..."
Naruto's hopes for a Hokage business-related mission were soon dashed. "Oh...ice cream, huh? Real Hokage related."
"As a matter-of-fact, the ice cream is for the Hokage. You know, she has a taste for more than just me, now..." The man said, holding his head high.
"You're a sick pervert, ero-sennin..." Naruto said back, almost under his breath. Unfortunately, it was the wrong thing to say. A fist over the top of his head was the next thing to enter his mind.
"Don't call me that! I'm married now, remember? I'm not a ero-sennin...nor am I a sick pervert. I am the Hokage's husband, and you will treat me as such..."
"Yeah...right." Naruto humphed, turning. "Well, see you later. I have more important things to do..." However, something seemed to click within the trappings of Jiraiya's mind just at that moment.
"Hey! Naruto, why don't you come along, huh? You can help me out..." And carry the baggage...hehehe... Naruto turned, eying him.
"Help you out? Buying ice cream? Why?" Jiraiya smiled, pleading now.
"Oh, come on, Naruto. Think of the adventure! Think of the excitement! Think...of the flavors! What do you say?" The boy was caught between going with the old man for ice cream...or doing something better with his time. "Tell you what. Why don't you treat it as a favor...from the next Hokage to his teacher, huh?" The boy's eye's lit up.
"The...next Hokage? You mean it?" Jiraiya smiled back. Hehe...got ya!
"Sure. The next Hokage. What do you say, huh? Will you do it...Hokage-sama?" Naruto smiled, jumping up and pointing down the street.
"Yes! As the next Hokage, I cannot refuse a mission! Let's go!" Jiraiya smiled to himself as Naruto marched resolutely down the street. I'm such a genius! I bet I can make that boy do whatever I tell him to. Huh...let's see. What did Tsunade say about him again?
Tsunade had walked up from the living room, and Jiraiya had instinctively looked up from his position at the table. "You know, Jiraiya, sweety. I was thinking about Naruto."
"Yeah, what about him?"
"He's a good kid and all. But...he's rather stupid."
"Yep...mmhmm..."
"He'll never make a good Hokage unless he wises up."
"You're right...yep..."
"He needs to act more mature...more sophisticated..."
"You're absolutely right, honey. Whatever you say..."
"He needs to act more like you..."
"Yes...exactly...right...mmhmm..."
"Jiraiya, honey...my eyes are up here!"
Jiraiya quit his daydream long enough to look up at where they were going. Seeing the store sign in front of him, just down the street, Jiraiya smiled once again. "This day should go straight and smooth from this point on. Maybe Tsunade will want to work off the calories from that ice cream later...hehehe!" Suddenly, a pink-haired streak came from the side.
"Oh...hello, Jiraiya-sama! How's Tsunade-hime?" Jiraiya turned his attention to the pinkette, nodding.
"Fine, fine. She's just fine, Sakura." The girl smiled, nodding back.
"That's good to hear. Oh, hey Naruto!" Upon hearing his name, Naruto turned.
"Oh! Hi, Sakura-chan!" Running up, he smiled. "Hey, I'm helping out Jiraiya-sama! It's an important mission, don't you know?" Sakura gave him her best 'sure it is' look before turning to Jiraiya.
"A mission, huh? What kind of mission?" Before Jiraiya could explain, Naruto stepped in.
"It's a mission for ice cream, Sakura-chan! Granny Tsunade needs ice cream for something or another..."
"Well, Naruto. Sometimes, pregnant women have urges for food. This is probably one of those times."
"Oh...you think so? Huh. Well, anyways..."
"Oh! Hey, you know what? I bet that Tsunade would love a necklace! Come on! I know the perfect one for her!" Grabbing Naruto's hand, she quickly took him to the other side of the street.
Jiraiya's face fell. "But...she only wanted ice cream!" The two were not listening, however, as they were entranced by a piece of fine jewelry stuck in the window of one of the ritziest places in Konohagakure.
"See, Naruto? I bet that Tsunade-sama would love this!" Naruto nodded his approval. Truth be told, the necklace was gorgeous. Twin dragons made from pure gold, with inlaid silver patterns adorning the entire length. A large, crested ruby completed the ensemble, making the piece very lovely...and very expensive.
"Yeah, yeah! She'll love this! Let's buy it quick, Sakura-chan! Hurry, before it gets sold!" The girl nodded, and both rushed into the store before Jiraiya could halt the progress. Now, as it turns out, the necklace had been sitting in the store window long enough to attract dust. Mainly from the fact that the price tag had been cut from a solid piece of paper, the price being large enough to occupy a large strip. As the two rushed from the store, Naruto clutching the precious cargo, Jiraiya made it to the scene, holding out his hand to stop the forward motion of the purchase.
"Hey! You need to pay for that!" Jiraiya gulped, turning to the irate store owner, who's hand was thrust out in front of him.
"Oh...right..." Quickly, Jiraiya wrote out a check, cringing at the zeros that followed the six, the one, and the five. Ripping it off with a delicate hand, he handed it to the man. The owner smiled as if he was being handed the easy life on a silver platter, which was almost correct, minus the platter. After a small amount of wrestling, in which Jiraiya had a fair amount of trouble letting go of the paper with which his savings was connected, the shopkeeper nodded, taking it and going back in. Swearing inwardly, Jiraiya began to question his previous motives about the boy. Perhaps he had been wrong for letting him come along.
"Thanks, Sakura-chan! That will be a big help!" The girl smiled, nodding.
"Anytime, Naruto-kun! Let me know if I can help you again!"
Jiraiya sighed, glaring at her. "I don't believe we asked for your help to begin with, young lady."
"That's alright. I don't mind! See you!" With that, she turned, flouncing away. Jiraiya just shook his head, his hand clenching.
"Now, Naruto. Let's make a deal. No more spending money like that. We only need to buy..."
"Hey Tenten-chan! What are you doing out here?" Of course, the boy wasn't listening. His attention span was that of an ant. If it wasn't ramen or Hokage talk, it didn't concern him.
"Oh...Naruto-kun! I'm just out for a stroll. What's going on?" Jiraiya decided to nip the conversation in the bud as quickly and cheaply as possible.
"We are just out for ice cream, young lady. So, please run along..."
"Yeah, ice cream for Tsunade-sama! It's Hokage business, you know?"
The girl was more than ecstatic. "Really? Hokage business? Tsunade-sama? Wow! I bet she'd really like a new kunai collection! Never know when you'll need one of those!"
Naruto looked non-plussed, as if he was surprised he hadn't actually thought of it himself. "Hey, yeah! I just bet that she would! Alright then, let's do it!" The two smiled, turning and running into the nearest weapon's shop. Jiraiya cringed, thinking about the expense before he got the bill.
"No no no! No kunai! What are you doing?" Running across the street and into the shop, Jiraiya was just in time to see the two running out, by-passing him. Naruto also appeared to be carrying a large bundle. Seething within, Jiraiya turned. "You stupid moron! Why don't you..."
"Yes, why don't you just pay for that, eh?" Stopping all motion, Jiraiya turned, smiling half-heartedly at the man behind him...who was wielding a very large, very sharp...very deadly looking katana.
"Hehehe...well, you know. I didn't even need any weapons. So, let me go get your goods back, and I'll just..."
"Uh uh. No refunds, no returns. Check the sign!" A finger pointing to his right. Jiraiya turned his head slightly, gasping at the words that confronted him. No Refunds! No Returns! Check This Sign! In his head, Jiraiya foamed.
That supposed to be funny or something? Outside of his thoughts, Jiraiya smiled at the man, reaching into his pocket. "Er...check be alright?" The man smiled, nodding to him as Jiraiya wrote out the sum, ripping the check off and handing it to him. Turning from the store, the white-haired sannin began searching the street for the tell-tale signs of a dreg of blond hair. "When I get my hands on that kid, I'm gonna turn him inside out. That Kyuubi of his will be begging me to continue...in the same breath that it's telling me to stop!" Finally, after another few seconds, he found the person he was looking for. Not only that...but he was talking to someone else.
"Really, Shino? You don't say?"
"Yes, Naruto. The insect world is amazing. Take these ants. They may look small, but the combined weight of the colony could crush you underneath it."
"Wow!"
"Yes, Naruto. Wow." Jiraiya could already see his bank account shriveling. He didn't know how, or the when, but he knew the why, and the why was an overbearing blond boy with a penchant for spending money that wasn't his.
"Oy! Naruto! Come here and..."
"I am sure that Tsunade-sama would enjoy knowing the insect life around her own city. Perhaps she may get into entomology as well." Naruto placed a hand on his chin, wondering.
"You know, Shino. She may. You have a point! Come on!" Jiraiya reached the spot...just as a cloud of dust began to settle.
"Err...NARUTO!" Stamping his foot in rage, Jiraiya began wondering how high a cliff would have to be to be a lethal drop. Perhaps the Hokage tower was high enough? Perhaps high enough for the purpose, but not high enough for his peace of mind.
Rushing after the two, he finally caught up to them, walking out of a specialty store. To say that the bags looked heavy was an understatement. Naruto, who had carried three people on his back, was having difficulty in wrangling two bags. Gritting his teeth, Jiraiya began stalking his prey, his shirt sleeves already pulled up. If the boy thought that the training for the rasengan was difficult, the beating that he was about to receive would change his outlook on life...or lack thereof.
"Buddy, hey! Those jars were mint. Come on!" Without even thinking about it, Jiraiya wrote out the check. The faster he wrote, the faster he could get his hands on the one he wanted.
"Here." Slamming the check down in the man's hands, he turned back, hands groping for the imaginary shuriken he would use to pin the boy to a tree. Glancing around, he found him. "Good, now. For the beating..." However, he seemed to be engaged with another person. Kiba of all people. Jiraiya could sigh a little now. Kiba was sensible. He wouldn't have anything that Naruto could use, or him. The only thing Kiba could offer was dog food, but seeing as how Naruto didn't have a dog, nor did he or Tsunade, he was in no danger. In fact, not only did Jiraiya and Tsunade not own a dog, but she had physically threatened him at one point.
"Jiraiya-kun, have you ever thought about a pet?" He had glanced up from the television. He would give her some attention this time. Besides, if he missed a beat, he would get a beat...beat-ing that is.
"Hmm...a pet? A pet, you say? You mean, like a gerbil or something?"
"No no. A dog." He blinked, turning around to think about it.
"A dog? You mean, like the Inuzuka's? Hmm...yes, that would be fine. I've always liked dogs. They are...cute, in a way. Not as cute as you, of course..." He thought that that would only end the topic and earn him a brownie point. However...
"Well, let me tell you something, sweety." He heard a snap behind him. Taking a gulp, he turned his attention back to his woman...and the wall, which had a fist through it. "If you ever...EVER bring a dog into this house, I will personally strangle you with a leash and neuter you. I am highly allergic. Just thinking about dogs makes me think about fleas. Ahchoo!" He had blinked at her, trying to process the information.
"Wait...don't you have allergies? Isn't that why you would sneeze?"
"Oh great. Thanks Jiraiya, now I itch all over the place!"
Jiraiya smiled. The woman was a handful sometimes. Well, two handfuls. But enough about that. He had to stop Naruto before he could...wait? What was he doing now? What the hell was that handshake about? As Kiba smiled, walking off with a last wave and leaving Naruto smiling as well, Jiraiya made his way to him.
"Naruto! Stop spending my money! What was that? What did you and Kiba just talk about?" Naruto smiled, turning to him.
"Kiba said that you two can have the best puppy of his mom's latest litter." Jiraiya felt his eye twitch.
"Um...his mom's latest litter?"
"Yeah, you know. It's Akamaru's mom. She just had another litter of puppies, and said that you two can have one!" Jiraiya sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. He would have to stop at Kiba's and tell him that he couldn't have a dog, with Tsunade being allergic and all. "Oh! Kiba said you can pay him later to. So you don't have to worry about it right now."
"Na...ru...to..." Gripping his hands into fists, Jiraiya fought the urge to pound the boy into the ground, perhaps using a rasengan to blow his head in. He was still deciding on a permanent fate for the lad when another bothersome gnat arrived. However, much to Jiraiya's relief, it was only Hinata. "Oh...phew. I won't have to worry about her. She can hardly get a sentence out around Naruto without fainting. No way I'll lose money on this deal." The girl was just now stubbing her toe on the ground, trying to form a coherent sentence.
"Na...Na...Naru...Naruto-kun...I...I..."
"Hinata? What? What is it? You know, you always stop me like this, but never say what you want. What?" The girl gulped visibly, shaking like an Autumn leaf in the Summer. Jiraiya didn't know what an Autumn leaf would be doing in the Summer, but whatever.
"Na...Naruto...ku...ku...kun. I...I wanted...wanted to...to...to give...give you this...this...this lo...lotion." Her hand extended out, a small vial of something in it. Jiraiya smiled to himself, holding the bags and leaning against a wall.
"Hehehe. She's cute when she's like this. Too bad for her that she picked the dumbest, most hard-headed boy in all of Konohagakure. Oh well. It should be amusing for a while." Hinata was stammering almost out of control now, without real, distinguishable words.
"Na...Na...ru...ru...to...ku...n...n...nnn...nnnnnnn..." Naruto stood, hands on his hips, watching the girl.
"Wait, that's for me?" She smiled half-heartedly, thrusting the vial up at him as her face turned to the ground.
"Ye...ye...yes. It's...it's...it's a...pr...pr...present...for...ya...ya...you..." Jiraiya shook his head. The girl was very, very sweet. The boy...well, he needed to work on it.
"Oh. Really? A present for me?" Naruto smiled lop-sidedly, grabbing the vial from her and staring at it. The blush on her cheeks was, perhaps, the brightest shade of red that Jiraiya had seen for many years. Perhaps brighter than the red that glowed on Tsunade's cheeks when he used his tongue to...well...he would think about THAT later as well.
"Yes. I...I made...made it...myself." She smiled, still stubbing her toe in the ground. Naruto looked at the bottle for a moment before looking up, smiling and nodding.
"Thanks, Hinata. But, I don't really need it." After a few moments of thinking, he smiled again, snapping his fingers. "But, I bet that baa-chan could! That's a great idea! Oh wait, hold on!" Turning, he ran back to the white-haired sannin standing against the wall.
"Oh, coming for some dating tips, Naruto? Well, thanks. Let's see. First date should be slow and subtle. Try to make small talk..." However, he was talking to a wall, as Naruto's hands dipped into his pocket. "Hey...what are you..." Coming out with Jiraiya's checkbook, the boy quickly wrote out a check...badly, and handed it to her. She took it, blinking down at it.
"Um...Naruto-kun. I...I..."
"Don't worry, Hinata! I wanted to pay you for it, since it was so nice of you to make it." Waving her off, he turned to walk down the street. Had someone looked at the scene from a distance, they perhaps wouldn't have known who had been redder. Hinata, or Jiraiya. Of course, Hinata's red and Jiraiya's red were caused by two different things. Hinata's burgundy palor was the onset of a boy's un-recognition of a kind act. Jiraiya's red face was caused by...well, the onset of a boy's un-recognition of a kind act. Both perhaps caused by the same thing, but with different results. As Hinata fainted clean away, allowing her body to hit the ground without another word, Jiraiya once again balled his fist, as well as someone loaded down with packages acquired through no means of his own.
"Hmm...no, a savage beating wouldn't be good enough for him. I'll have to think of something better. Maybe turn him into a living statue. Yes, that should do. Or, a frog. No, that's not good enough. Hmm..." Stalking towards him, he began cracking his knuckles, until he ran into someone very particular.
"Oh...Jiraiya-sama. Fancy meeting you here. How are you and Hokage-sama?"
"Oh...Kakashi. Yes, we're fine. However, Naruto..."
"Oy! Kakashi-sensei!" The boy smiled, running back to them. "Where's everyone else?" Kakashi sighed, rubbing his head.
"I don't know, Naruto. Why don't you do something productive with your time, like train?" Naruto just smiled back.
"I am, Kakashi-sensei! I'm helping out Jiraiya by buying stuff for Tsunade!" Jiraiya sneered at him.
"You're buying her things that she doesn't need!"
"Really? Well, may I suggest some reading material for her?" Jiraiya turned to him, blinking.
"Reading...material?" Kakashi nodded, his eye closed.
"Hai. Reading material." Grabbing Naruto's hand, he turned to the bookstore. "I know just the books, to." Naruto nodded.
"Ay! She likes to read. I bet something better than those stupid medical books she's always glancing through." Jiraiya merely stood on the side of the street, thinking.
Huh. Books. What kind of books does Kakashi think that Tsunade would like? Of course, he couldn't be thinking of...no, impossible. In fact, she told me just the other day.
She had walked up to him, shaking her hips. He was sitting on the couch, resting his head...and his mind. Taking care of a pregnant Tsunade was much harder than anyone would have guessed. Smiling down at him, she sat on his lap, resting her head on his shoulder. Wrapping his hands about her middle, he gave her a kiss on the cheek, and she turned her head towards him, rubbing his chin with a hand. "Oh, Jiraiya-kun. I love you...so much."
"And I you, Tsunade-hime."
"There's just the matter of those horrid books you write." Jiraiya smiled, sticking a finger into her exposed navel.
"Oh, come now, Tsunade-hime. I don't think my books are so bad. They do have an adult rating on them, so that kids can't get ahold of them." She frowned at him, pouting.
"Do you really...really need to make those books? I mean, you're so good at other things." Another kiss. He smiled at her, relaxing. This was her patient, fussy, beautiful stage. These were the moments he dearly loved. Her mood swings were horrendous, but when they swung his way, he really enjoyed them.
"Mmhhmm...well, I suppose I could stop. But, I think I'm really very good at writing. Besides, it isn't like I have much talent in the way of getting another job."
"Maybe you could try?"
"Well, the books do make me some good money. I think I'll continue to write them..." Suddenly, his lap became very light. Then...his cheek began to burn suddenly, as if he had been slapped. Of course, the fact that Tsunade's hand was still flat and held out may have had something to do with that.
"You'll never change, will you!" She turned, leaving the room. He held his cheek for a moment before allowing his smile to come back.
Yes, her mood changes were sure sporadic. And painful.
Very painful.
Suddenly, Kakashi and Naruto were back, Naruto holding a large bag. Jiraiya smiled at him. Kakashi had sense. The books were probably very good, especially something that Tsunade would enjoy. "So, what did you buy in there?" Kakashi shrugged, turning to Naruto.
"Now, be sure that he signs them, alright?" Naruto smiled, nodding.
"Sure! Hey Kakashi-sensei, are you sure that Tsunade will like these?" Kakashi smiled from beneath his mask, patting the boy on the head.
"Of course! I do!" Turning to Jiraiya, he nodded. "By the way, Jiraiya-sama. You can owe me for the books later. Now, I'm off. I have...er...reading to do! Cya!" A poof of smoke, and the man was gone. Jiraiya closed his eyes for a moment, dreading the answer he was thinking about. Kakashi couldn't...wouldn't...didn't...
"Naruto. Just what did Kakashi and yourself buy in there?" Naruto smiled up at him, opening the bag.
"The entire Icha-Icha Paradise series! Funny, I never really thought that they were that good. But, you know how it goes, what I don't like, someone else does. Oh well." Closing the bag, he turned to walk off, leaving Jiraiya on the pavement, wondering how he could kill a silver-haired Jounin without being too suspicious about it.
"I...write...those...books. It isn't as though you had to buy them..." Flexing his fingers, he began to draw closer to the blond, his mind going through the many scenarios of killing a shinobi. The neck could be snapped, the man could be bled to death, a shuriken could be lodged in their brain! Any many different scenarios. So many to choose from, so little time. However, another person was in the way now. This time, someone...with a fruit shaped head. "Oh...Shikamaru? He can't possibly...Wait, I thought that many times. That hasn't worked out so well. I need to nip this in the bud right now!" Striding forward with a vengeance, the man was about to intercede on any deal that the two were going to make.
"Alright! Will do! Thanks, Shikamaru!" A handshake went between the two, and Shikamaru turned to leave, pocketing...something...
"Naruto! What have you done now!?" Naruto turned, scratching the back of his head.
"Oh, Jiraiya-sama! I just bought a shogi game from Shikamaru. Isn't that great?" The boy grinned widely, looking up into Jiraiya's face without the slightest inkling of knowledge about what he had done.
"You? Bought a shogi game? From Shikamaru? Why? I didn't know you knew how to play?" Jiraiya could just see Naruto staring at the pieces for hours before making a move. A wrong move...a move that couldn't be made. He smiled as the picture hit his thoughts.
"No no no. I bought it for you, Jiraiya-sama!" Jiraiya blinked. A...shogi game for him?
"Really? You bought me a shogi game? That was...very thoughtful. Thank you, Naruto." Naruto smiled widely, throwing out his hands.
"Of course! Don't worry about it! I memorized your checking account number! That way, I can get you stuff without you having to bother about it!" He smiled again, turning and whistling as he walked.
As Jiraiya calmed the dogs barking in the back of his brain, trying to reason with them that it wasn't that bad, the memories of his last Shogi game with his wife popped into his vision.
"Check, Jiraiya!" She smiled, leaning back on the couch and smiling over at him sweetly. He scowled, looking at the board and trying to decide how to put it to her gently.
"Um...Tsunade..."
"Oh, come now, Jiraiya-kun. It was a good move, you have to agree."
"But...Tsunade-hime..."
"No no no. You can't deny that I...am just that damn good. You can't! You can't!"
"Well...you see..."
"You just have to face the facts, Jiraiya, sweety. I am smarter in every way. I am prettier, better, and much more intelligent than..." Then, she stopped as his hand moved, picking his knight up and moving it forward and to the left.
"Um...check-mate." He had single-handedly blocked her move...and check-mated her. He sighed, looking up at her. She smiled lop-sidedly, than back at him. Her eyes smiled as well...and when her eyes smiled, he was usually crying before too long.
"Well...I...um...you beat me! Good job, Jiraiya-kun! You win!" Standing, she sniffed, turning and beginning to walk into the kitchen.
"Tsunade-hime...baby...come on, it's just a game."
"No. I know that. Of course. It's just a shogi game. I know that. Come on, Jiraiya. You're good, I know that now. I'll go make dinner." She left, leaving him sitting on the couch. He sighed out in relief. Suddenly, a movement in his eye caught his attention. With a gasp, he dodged back as a large bat smashed the board to nothing. Her face was that of someone who had just gone to the bathroom and not lost any weight at all.
"Tsu...Tsunade-hime?"
"I...hate...shogi. No more shogi in this house." Seemingly regaining her stability, she dropped the bat, standing and winking at him. "How about a game of poker instead?" Turning her back to him and laughing, she failed to see the grimace that was once again plastered on his face.
"This...won't end well..."
Snapping out of his sub-concious thought, he coughed slightly. "Naruto, she...doesn't play shogi."
The boy looked at him for a moment before waving him off. "Well, I'm sure you can always play by yourself." He began again to walk down the side-walk, leaving Jiraiya wondering just how many times he would have to hit the boy in order for his IQ to work its way up to a respectable level. Perhaps twelve...but it didn't seem enough. Twelve...hundred! That would do! Jiraiya smiled grimly. Yeah, twelve-hundred. Now, he had a purpose again. But...he had lost sight of his target. Blinking, he began peering about. However, the yellow-haired annoyance was nowhere to be seen. "Where the hell did that little brat go?"
"So...you're saying that these are the best ones you have, Ino-chan?" Upon hearing the voice of said brat, Jiraiya nodded to himself.
"Target sighted. Lock and load!" Juggling bags around, he entered the shop on his left, walking grimly towards the boy and blond girl engaged in a transaction of some sort. At the moment, Naruto was engaged in smelling the roses, and Ino was engaged in making as much money for her family's shop as possible.
"You know, Naruto-kun. These flowers will make any woman fall madly in love with you!" Ino said, a huge smile hanging on her face. Naruto nodded, thinking.
"Wow. Really? Hmmm...let me ask you. Do they...um...work on...say...pink-haired girl's?" The boy stopped in hestitation, while Ino quickly stifled a laugh.
"Well, Naruto. I...I don't think that a certain pink-haired girl will buy it. But...one never knows with other girls. How about...a blue-haired girl?" Naruto blinked. A...blue-haired girl? Who would that be?
"Well then...how about a blond girl?" he asked, putting a finger thoughtfully to his chin. Ino blinked, turning a shade deeper than the roses and turning to the side.
"Why...Naruto-kun...I...I never thought that...that you felt that way. Well...I mean...I'm around roses all the time. But...you never know. Roses may...in fact...change a blond-girl's way of thinking about someone. You...you never know." In her mind, Ino was relishing the thought. She could wave the flowers around at Sakura, saying that the boy who liked her so much now enjoyed her company more.
"Really, Ino-chan? Good! I'll take them then!" Standing, the boy nodded. Ino smiled at him, taking the flowers from the vase and quickly putting them into a plastic holder. Ringing them up, she handed them and the receipt to Naruto, who smiled, taking both and pocketing the receipt.
"That'll be three hundred yen, Naruto-kun!" Ino said, sweetly and with that same blush. Naruto nodded, turning to Jiraiya. The man stopped his thoughts about blonds and flowers, beginning to walk out of the store.
"Oh no. Don't you even think about it." Naruto merely stood still.
"Don't think about what, Jiraiya-sama?"
"Don't even think about taking my wallet or my checkbook. Not this time. Not today!" But the blond was still not moving.
"Um...actually, Jiraiya-sama. I was going to get this one." Jiraiya blinked. The words he had never thought possible...the words he never thought would come out of the boy's mouth...were actually coming forth. They blossomed, much like the flowers on the counter. They were overflowing, like Tsunade in the morning when she couldn't quite squeeze into her bra. They...they...were beautiful! A tear slipped from his eye as he watched Naruto pull his wallet out, taking out a handful of cash and handing it to Ino. The girl smiled even brighter, putting the money into the register. Then, she leaned across the counter, cocking her head to the side slightly.
"So...when are you going to give the flowers to your special someone?" Naruto smiled, taking the flowers into his hands.
"Hmm...I don't know. Probably later on today." Ino's face fell, and she backed off slightly.
"Oh? Why don't you...you know...do it now? I mean...it isn't as though she's that far off." She pouted at him, and he merely smiled back.
"But...I'm helping Jiraiya-sama, so I'll have to give them to Tsunade-sama later." At the mention of the older woman's name, Ino's face did an about turn. From a pout...to an all out glare.
"Tsunade-sama? What? She's...but...I mean...what does she have that I haven't?"
Now, in Jiraiya's mind, he could think of many things. Age, beauty, a chest size that defied logic...experience in more than just flowers. Though, he had to admit, flowers could be used as a good reminder of what she had. But, what would Naruto say? He would have to break it to her gently. If it was one thing Jiraiya knew about, it was the mind of a young lady. Especially a young lady that was highly doubtful of her own self-image...much like Ino was and had been. However, unlike Tsunade, who could change moods at the drop of a hat, Naruto was like a rock. He never changed...and much like a rock...he didn't think.
"Tsunade-baa-chan? Well, she has her jutsu's. You can't do those. She's the hokage, and you aren't. Um...let's see..." He turned around, placing his head in his hand to think. What he didn't see was the girl behind him...getting madder and madder as he talked. "She also has a large..."
"Naruto! Come on, let's go!" Hoping to save Naruto before Ino killed him, Jiraiya stepped from the store. Naruto nodded, leaving, not feeling the cloud of ill omen behind him. As he left the store, Jiraiya sighed in relief. Another situation averted.
"Do you think that Baa-chan will like these flowers, Ero-sennin?" Jiraiya sighed once more. The boy was far more annoying than he deserved to be.
"Um...sure, Naruto. Why not?" In actual fact, Tsunade hated flowers. Not only hated them...loathed them. She was highly allergic to them. In Jiraiya's mind, he couldn't understand how the world's best medic nin could be allergic...to anything. How did that work? How did the best medic nin not get over allergies? It was a mystery.
"Oy! Jiraiya! We're here! Hey!" Jiraiya shook himself. The bags were killing him. The boy's shopping spree could have been put down in the history books. But, finally...the hell was over. He now stood below the redemption of the store. In just a few city blocks, he had spent more than he had ever spent in the course of his life...but now...it was over. Sweet, sweet redemption!
"Great, Naruto! Great! Now, let's go in!"
It was nearing four in the afternoon as Jiraiya made his way to his and Tsunade's house. The window repair men were just leaving, and one tipped his hat to him. Jiraiya would have tipped his own if he had had a hat...or a free hand. Looking up, he smiled at the window which glared back in the deepening sun. "Wonderful job. Well done." He would pay them later. Right now...he had a woman to make happy.
Finally at the door to his place, he smiled, opening it. As soon as the door closed behind him after he had entered, he dropped the bags on the ground, taking a deep breath. The day...the day from hell...the day that would live in infamy...was finally over. It...was...OVER! "Tsunade! Honey! Baby! You're loving, wonderful, doting husband is home!"
"Jiraiya!" The woman entered, smiling at him before running towards him. He put out his hands, ready to embrace her...when she dove into the bags, throwing paper and items too and fro.
"Well...nice to see you to." To himself, he wondered if it was worth it. Of course, the way that she used her tongue at night when...well, he would think about THAT later on as well...when he was in the mood. Another package flew through the air, and her face confronted his from the floor.
"Oh...Jiraiya-kun."
"Yes, baby?"
"...Where's the ice-cream?" Nothing but a blank stare.
"Um...the what?"
Then, the day ended for him as it had begun.
Sitting on the ground, ruefully wondering how he could have gotten himself into the mess he was in...
And wondering if the window repair men would come back that late.
A/N: I hope you all enjoyed reading, I enjoyed writing it! Thank you, and goodnight. As always, comments are appreciated!