Only With You
2008
by Teacup (of JAG)
Disclaimer: The JAG characters are not mine, the basic storyline from the JAG episodes, Boomerang I and II, is not mine, the bits of dialogue taken directly from Boomerang II (or the lines as best as I could recreate them anyhow) are not mine.
… The way the selected scenes have been rewritten and added in this fanfic story though, … well … those changes are mine.
A/N: I have no idea what inspired me to write this, but the story is based on the episode 'Boomerang II' (The ferry ride in Australia – need I say more?) I'm only including selected scenes from that episode – rewritten or added, and I'm not getting much into the actual case at all.
So, let me just remind you (or tell you, if you haven't seen the episode) for purposes of having context, that Harm is in Australia defending an American sailor for murdering an Australian sailor 28 years earlier (The two sailors had been fighting over a girl). Bud is assisting Harm on the case. Brumby, back on his home turf, is prosecuting.
Mac has absolutely no direct working connection to the case, but she managed to get to Australia by volunteering to escort the remains of the murdered victim (who had been mistakenly identified as the American defendant instead of the Australian sailor, who was previously assumed to have been the murderer) back to Australia to be laid to rest by his family.
Mac has a few days vacation, which she is using to get over her cold – by spending time in the sun (unfortunately with Brumby) and, for some reason, when the actual trial does begin, she decides to observe (for fun) the case play out from the back of the courtroom. Mac is constantly seeing Harm and Mic 'duke it out' in more ways than one in this episode.
This story starts with the infamous 'ferry scene.' Mac and Harm are on their way to 'dinner.'
Only With You
Part I – The 'Eternal' Ferry Ride?
"Are you saying that a man doesn't need to understand a woman as long as she's beautiful?" Mac questioned Harm's comment.
"Even speaking the same language, what man understands a woman?"
"You're referring to me," she realized. "… Ha. Well, let me guess; you don't understand why I went to the beach with Mic."
This was awkward. Harm didn't want to talk about Mic. Diversion seemed like a good tactic.
"That Opera House is really beautiful, isn't it?"
"Smashing," Mac replied without looking at it. "So, what bothered you? That I went to the beach with him or that … you thought I was topless?"
"You weren't?" Harm asked with surprise.
"Harmon Rabb, you are a prude."
"I am not! … Look, I don't care if you wanna go topless."
"You do if it's in front of Mic."
"You work with the guy, Mac. You wouldn't go topless in front of me, would you?"
Mac's countenance immediately changed. She wasn't being playful or teasing or even flirting. She was ready for a serious discussion, and this just might be her opening.
"Is that a request?"
Harm thought he was going to have a heart attack. Not only because she had just implied that she might let him see her bare breasts, … which was something he literally fantasized about, … but because of the intense -- nervous, but hopeful look she was giving him.
… He couldn't do this now; he had a murder case weighing on his mind. He didn't have the focus and definitely did not have the preparation to deal with this topic. How about that diversion tactic again?
"You know they wrote eternity on this bridge in lights on New Year's Eve?" he supplied some meaningless trivia as they passed under the structure.
"Is that how long we're gonna wait?" She wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily.
Harm knew that this was about so much more than the possibility of her baring her body. … It was about the possibility of baring her heart. But the problem was that it would involve him baring his heart as well. He wasn't ready.
"Mac ..." he began to object.
"We're not in Washington any more," she told him. "We're not even on the same continent."
Harm was quick to point out, "That doesn't change who we are."
"Most men would disagree with you."
"I know," he easily admitted, "… I disagree with me sometimes too."
She eyed him carefully. "But you still can't let go."
"… Not yet."
Mac had observed Harm well enough to know that he wasn't typically shy with women. And he wasn't normally this reserved about the possibility of starting something. "You're just this way with me, aren't you?"
"Yeah," he admitted, "… only with you."
Mac was trying her best to keep her composure, though part of her wanted to cry. Why had she bothered to hope? "I suppose I should be flattered."
"You should, Sarah."
Her given name? She could only remember one previous occasion when he'd called her that. … When he was saying goodbye to her after she … unwisely … decided to leave JAG. Well, this was a sort of good-bye too, wasn't it? Goodbye to her hopes that he might actually want her.
Mac looked down in somber thought, before admitting, "… But, I don't."
She repeated, so that he would understand. "… I don't feel flattered."
Harm looked at her with apology and worry. This wasn't going well at all. Why did she have to bring up the issue of the two of them now? She might be on vacation, with her mind off of work and open to experimenting with love, … but he wasn't.
Trying to come to terms with the feelings he had for her … or lack thereof, Mac looked at Harm and asked, "… Is the fact that you're only this way with me because … you really do think of yourself as my big brother?"
He startled at the question, but didn't immediately answer.
The interpretive and even accusatory line of questioning continued. "So, you're protective of me, and you get upset when other men take a romantic interest, … but you, yourself, don't see me as … a desirable woman?"
"No! … I mean yes, I see you as a desirable woman," Harm insisted. "But I also see you as my partner and my best friend. … And I don't want to risk those things."
"… You value our friendship too much," she surmised.
"Yes!" Harm agreed, relieved that Mac seemed to understand after all.
His relief was short-lived.
"No man is interested in being friends with a woman like me … except you, because you're … more like a brother," she quoted what he had told her once. "Your words," she reminded him. "I should have believed them," she said aloud, but to herself.
Sometimes Harm hated that she was such a good lawyer … and that she had such a good memory.
"… No, you shouldn't have," he disagreed.
He hadn't meant that he didn't want her – only that he respected her enough to keep his desires at bay, thereby putting himself in a more … 'brotherly' role. … Aw, heck … he had just spouted out some nonsense back then to cover up what would have been too much of an admission of his own feelings.
'No man wanted to just be friends with her?' He was a man. Why not just put up a neon sign, saying 'Harm wants to sleep with Sarah MacKenzie.' Yeah, she'd have loved that. No damage to the friendship there. Was he supposed to have just left it at that?
"… Then why?" Mac asked, interrupting Harm's memories and thoughts. "Why am I different than every other woman on the planet … unless you just aren't attracted to me?"
Without thinking, Harm adamantly snapped, "You're different than every other woman on this planet because you -" He curtly stopped, realizing he had been about to reveal too much.
But to Mac, the question, 'what makes me so different from all other women in Harm's life?' suddenly had an answer. She was stupid not to have thought of it before. Mac realized that she was unique in the very fact that she was not completely unique, … not to Harm.
"… I look like Diane," she muttered with that epiphany. Of course, - that would be problematic for him. "… I'm sorry, Harm. I know that's difficult for you."
She could only imagine the psychological difficulties caused by her physical similarities to a woman who had meant a great deal to him, … a woman who he may have even loved. Thinking romantically about her, – Sarah MacKenzie, would only remind him of what he had lost with Diane, … or maybe he didn't trust that he wouldn't just be projecting his feelings for one woman onto another who looked so much like the first.
Harm hadn't seen the 'Diane' reference coming, but he could see Mac completely retreating now, putting back all of her defensive walls, ready to accept that Harm would never get over her resemblance to a woman who was very important to him in the past.
He was tempted to let her think that. It would be the easiest explanation. … But it wasn't the truth. She deserved the truth.
"… It's not because of Diane," he softly stated.
Mac looked up at him, confusion emanating from her eyes.
He assured her, "I don't think of her when I look at you anymore. … I can't remember the last time I did."
"… Then what?" she reflexively asked when the last plausible explanation had been taken away.
Well, there was one other thing, she had to admit. "Work?" she asked.
Before he could respond, she began arguing, "We're not going to be partners at JAG Headquarters forever. Are we gonna wait 'til they transfer one of us out and send us halfway across the world? How would we start something then?" She became slightly more disconcerted. "… Or is that the point? … We don't."
"It's not just work," Harm again knocked another reason for his hesitance out of the running.
"Then what? What were you going to say before?" Mac asked, knowing he had been about to reveal something. "I'm 'different than every other woman on this planet because' …?"
It took Harm awhile before he gently spoke. "… Because … when I stop to imagine how my life is going to be a few years from now, … when I'm settling down and ready to start a family, …"
He hesitated, … but forced himself to tell her, "… you … are the only one I can picture myself being with."
Mac was stunned and astounded … and confused. It took her a minute to process what he had said. Finally, she asked, "How many years away is that?"
He spat out the first thing that came into his mind, almost jokingly, "… Well, we do have a deal in … uh, four and something years."
Harm was surprised by Mac's reaction. She was supposed to banter back … or at least be appeased that he had given someanswer.
He didn't understand why water started to pool in Mac's eyes instead. She looked disappointed. Even realizing this, he never, … never would have guessed her next statement.
"… So, … I really am your backup plan," she remarked sadly.
"Huh?"
Mac composed herself a bit more. "If neither one of us is in a relationship five years from that day, … we'll go halves on a kid," she repeated their deal. "It's a backup plan … if you haven't found the woman of your dreams yet."
She couldn't keep from furthering this thought aloud. "… If you haven't decided to permanently be with someone else by that time, … you figure … I'm a safe bet for the whole … kids and marriage thing? … Chances are I'll screw up any other relationship before then. … I'm guaranteed to understand the demands of military life. … And hey, - when we're not fighting, we get along okay. You could do worse."
"Mac, … you are not a backup plan."
"Then why wait so long? If it's not that you're looking to find someone better in the meantime?"
While Harm was trying to come up with an answer, Mac abruptly shifted.
"You know, … never mind. I don't even know why I'm asking these things. … There's no reason you should think of me as anything but a friend and partner. … Let's just forget this conversation ever happened, okay?"
Again, … Harm was oh so tempted to just nod his head. Pretending this conversation never happened would be easiest. … But he knew that they would never forget it. He also knew that she didn't understand. … And the misunderstanding hurt her.
"… So, … that really is a beautiful opera house," Mac commented, trying to get back to the friendly chitchat Harm had tried to start earlier.
"Yeah, it is," he agreed without lifting his eyes from her. "… But not as beautiful as you are."
"Harm, don't. … Don't play with me, okay?"
"I'm not playing. … I meant what I said about seeing you in my future. … I'm just not ready yet."
"Not ready for what?"
"… I don't know. … I can't explain it. … I just … feel like I have to do some things yet."
"… You're not done playing the field," Mac surmised, relying on her earlier belief that she was indeed his backup. "What makes you think that I'm going to wait for you?"
"… I don't," he remarked sadly. "And this is not about playing the field."
"… Well, whatever it's about," Mac dismissed, "… I don't want to wait years on end before I even have a chance to settle down."
She looked off into the night sky and wrapped her arms around herself. She wasn't making an argument to Harm; she was merely venting.
"I'm tired of being alone. … I want to have something more to come home to than an empty apartment and leftover take-out. … I want someone to be with … who I know is going to always be there for me, giving me comfort and support when I need it, making me feel loved, … someone to hold me at night, … someone to talk to … and share dreams with."
She paused, and then added, "… And I'm not getting any younger. Every year that passes without me trying for a child is time wasted - as far as my biological clock is concerned. Having a baby is not an opportunity that's always going to be there. … If I don't get married relatively soon, … I may not ever have a family."
She dropped off, still in contemplation.
After a moment, Harm observed, "You sound like you're itching to 'settle down' as soon as possible. … Like when you marry is more important than who you marry."
"Don't turn this around like that, Harm. It's not wrong for a woman to want those things."
"It's not wrong for a man to want those things either. … And I do. … When the time is right, I want to get married and have children, but …"
"I'm not asking you for that," she told him.
This confused Harm even more. She just talked about wanting to settle down as soon as possible, but she didn't want that with him? So, what exactly did she want? He couldn't believe that she was simply asking him for a night of passion.
But Mac clarified, "I'm not asking for a lifetime commitment. … Not tonight. Not tomorrow. … I don't know if you and I would ever even work out, … but don't you want to find out?"
Oh boy, … how did he answer that? It wasn't that simple.
"Right now," Harm eventually started, "… while my head is … finally coming out of the clouds over a carrier, … and I'm still adjusting to everything I missed when I was gone, … and especially since I'm currently in the middle of a murder case, for which I not only have to figure out what happened, but how to properly represent someone in an Australian court against … Brumby."
He realized that he was sounding a bit whiny there at the end, … but was proud that he managed to restrain himself in time to keep from making any insulting descriptions of the Aussie that irked him so. He got himself back on track regarding the issue of what he 'wanted' between Mac and himself.
"… What I really want is to have the comfort of the most important friendship that I've ever had. -- One that I missed for six months, … and I know that was my fault, … but I have been trying to regain what we lost."
It was an apology of sort, and while Mac didn't believe that he missed her nearly as much as she missed him while he was off playing jet jock, she did appreciate that he returned and that he wanted their friendship back.
Harm continued, "… What I want is to see that kind and accepting face at work … of the person who is equally as willing, … and certainly able, … to aid me when I need support as to put me in my place when necessary."
Mac smiled a little at that, despite glumly following Harm's thoughts on the foremost importance of their relationship as friends and colleagues.
Harm realized that he couldn't leave it at that. He looked at Mac intently for a moment, before staring up at the stars. "… The way I feel about you, Sarah, … I've never felt about anyone else … ever."
He lowered his gaze. "… Not about Jordan, … or Annie, … or Diane."
Mac found her heart was racing with this new information.
"… And that scares me," Harm admitted.
"You're scared … about me?" Mac finally asked with a certain amount of disbelief.
Harm didn't directly answer, and he couldn't look at her. "… What scares me most … is losing you."
Finally, he gathered the courage to meet her curious, sympathetic, loving, and yet … still disappointed eyes. It was time to answer her earlier question.
"Do I want to know if a romantic relationship between you and I would work? … Yes. … But I'm not ready to take that risk."
Finding solace again in the stars, he tried to explain, "I need to … feel more comfortable about where I am in my life. … And right now, I need you to help me do that … without expecting … things that I'm bound to screw up at the moment."
He looked back to her, saying, "… For now, … I just want to enjoy being your friend, … working with you, … kicking your butt in court."
There was a long silence, in which Harm nervously awaited Mac's response.
It finally came in the form of one word. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Well, okay to everything but you kicking my butt in court, because it's your six that's going to be keel-hauled the next time we oppose each other."
Harm was relieved that she seemed to accept what he had said, even the playful competition.
She gently put her hand on his arm and asked with hope, "… Can a friend get a hug?"
"I don't know," Harm answered. "Are you willing to give me one?" he asked, implying that it was he who was the one in need of the soothing contact.
They smiled at each other and came close in an embrace.
As Harm's hand felt Mac's bare shoulder and his nose inhaled her sweet perfume, … he nearly lost all of his 'mere friendly' resolve.
Before it got too much for him, Mac pulled away and shifted the conversation. "So, … where are you taking me for dinner?"
"Luna Park." He hated to admit that it was because he needed to check out the crime scene.
"An amusement park?"
"Yeah, you like hot dogs, right?"
"And what is 'Mister-practically-a-vegetarian' going to eat?"
"Corn dog?" he joked.
They reached the park, and Mac's patience was tested with Harm even more as she realized that the main purpose of the night's outing was Harm's desire to investigate.
She obliged his thought process, though it seemed even more of an insult to her that - not only had he rejected her advances, but he wasn't even focused on spending time with her as a friend tonight.
The rest of the night, the only discussion of relationships was in regards to Harm's client, Petty Officer Kevin Lee, … the deserter's 'wife', Jenny, … and the victim from twenty-eight years earlier, Ian Dunsmore.
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A/N: Next chapter, I'm thinking I'll explore H/M's time at Luna Park just a little.