How Ken Almost Saved the Day (Or, How Takeru Is An Idiot and Taichi Has Stalking Tendencies)
Paring: Taichi/Takeru (Taikeru)
Summary: Ken listens to Takeru's problems. Takeru rants over Taichi's obsessive crush on Yamato. Taichi confesses that he does, indeed, have feelings for a blonde.
A/N: Don't ask. I'm almost completely dead to the fandom world. Somehow, though, I was suddenly struck by the desire to write a humorous Taikeru fic. Maybe it's because I recently discovered a rise in Taikeru fans. Whoot! OTP! Please don't ask me to update my other fics. Maybe someday I will, maybe not. But, for now, please enjoy.
It was frankly, entirely, and completely irritating watching Taichi fawn over Yamato. Like some kind of lovesick little seventh grade girl, with the notebooks marked up with sharpie reading Taichi Yagami Ishida, and the little pieces of paper scrawled with Taichi and Yamato Yagami, Yamato and Taichi Ishida, I Heart Yamato. Or at least that's what one could assume, what with the way Taichi trailed after Yamato. Disgusting, really.
Truthfully, though, Taichi was at least subtle, in his own unsubtle-Yagami sort of way. Always trying to please Yamato, always offering to help Yamato, always requesting time with Yamato.
It could make a brother sick, literally. Not literally sick. Literally a brother.
Takeru Takashi could not stand Taichi Yagami. Or, at least, the fact that Taichi Yagami was totally in love with Yamato.
"I mean, Yamato could have totally picked me up from my mom's place. He said he could. Just a little late, due to much needed extra practice time with the Wolves. But nooooo, Taichi had to insist. And the car ride! Agh! Totally uncomfortable. Akward. Asking me all these annoying questions. Like, 'Have you decided on a University yet?' and 'Seeing anyone lately?' and my all time favorite except not really 'We should hang out some more, don't you think?' I swear, could Taichi be any more of a kiss up? He is not going to win my brother's heart through me, that's for sure."
All Ken could do was sit silently and nod. Oh, Takashi, he thought. Such. A. Blonde.
"And he's always around! It's like trying to pry magnets apart! Difficult, although manageable with enough effort, but that's not the point. Taichi is completely suffocating Yamato. Whenever Yama and I are just hanging about, Taichi manages to show up. And the excuses are so totally lame. 'I left my football shoes here.' 'My parents are visiting the old folks, mind if I chill here?' And here's the best one, really, I swear: 'I really love spending time with the Takashi-Ishida boys.' Puke, puke, and double puke."
If he tried hard enough, maybe Ken could convince Takeru to step outside the situation. Maybe just for a second. A little one. A baby nano. That, or maybe Ken could manage to smack the blonde and shout the plain, naked truth in his face. But that would be out of character.
"Did I tell you that he's given me a nickname? 'Teeks! Old buddy, old pal!' We aren't in the friggin Digital World anymore, and you are not my all-knowing and worthy leader! Shouldn't I at least get a say in what he calls me? Of course not, because Taichi Yagami always leads the way. Look at me, I'm Taichi Yagami and I can give completely inappropriate nicknames to people who, when they were little kids, used to follow me around like I was the next Messiah. And some how and in some way I will maneuver my manly bits and parts into the pants of said little kid's older brother's pants!' It's infuriating, the nerve of Taichi."
Ken tried his best to contain his laughter as Takeru flailed his arms in an effort to imitate Taichi. This was quite pathetic. And everyone thought Daisuke was the oblivious one. No, Daisuke was the stupid one. Stupid, but at least he could now somewhat surmise the feelings of others. Takeru, on the other hand, could give the anti-derivative of tangent (the negative natural log of the absolute value of cosine) but couldn't figure out what in the world was going on. Ken could only sigh and continue to listen.
"I swear, I just don't get it. What does Taichi even see in Yamato anyway? Every time they get into discussions about things, they bicker and argue just for the sake of arguing. And then I have to be the middle man that breaks them apart. And then Yamato has to go off and be all pissy while I'm stuck with Taichi. It's like he does it on purpose. He's a sadist, I swear. And it pisses me off that every single time I mention a new band to Yamato, a new band that I've discovered on my own and that I seriously like, Taichi has to be all, 'Dude, I love those guys! They rock! We should go to a show sometime.' Step off, Yagami, seriously. Sometimes I don't believe him. Sometimes I think he's making this crap up. You know, just to impress Yamato."
Shaking his head, Ken stared at Takeru in disbelief. Was he seriously being serious? For real?
"I'm serious, sometimes it's almost as if Taichi doesn't even really want to be around Yamato. And yet, there he is! On his couch, eating his food, asking me those stupid annoying questions. Always asking me if I want to do something later. Burning me all the these silly mix CDs of artists that I like. I can't stand it! If it's Yamato he wants, why doesn't he go bother Yamato? I mean, I am completely opposed to a relationship between the two of them, because I don't think there'd be any hope at all for them, but if it gets Taichi to stop trying to please Yamato by," Takeru waggles his fingers in a quote unquote fashion, "pleasing me, then fine! So be it. Stupid, ugly, irritating, smiley idiot. It's such a shame he's got those big brown eyes and those lanky, musclely arms. Yamato usually goes for green eyed emo kids. Such a waste, really."
After a few seconds of silence, Ken decides that he should say something. This was it, Ken was going to solve the problem. He listened to the whole story and had the solution. He knew how to fix everything. He knew all the right words. He was going to lay out the reality right before Takeru. The blonde would realize everything, come to his senses, do what he must, and forever be in Ken's debt. Huzzah! Ken would finally serve a better purpose than just an open ear.
Opening his mouth, prepared to give his speech, Ken began –
"Teeks!"
"Crap. Hide me."
"I see you over there. Don't even try to hide behind that salt shaker."
Ken stared in not-complete shock as Taichi made his way through the coffee house and to the table.
"I just wanted to let you know, I'm sorry for being all stalkerish these past few weeks. I'm just, I dunno, more cowardly than I thought. But, now I know for sure, more than ever, what I want."
"Then why are you here. Shoo, go away you freakish cretin."
Takeru seriously just flicked salt at Taichi, Ken thought. Oh, Lord.
"Oh, I see. Yama was right. Teeks, I don't have some silly, weird, obsessive, sadist crush on your brother."
"Are you sure? I want to see your notebooks."
"No, really. I have this huge, enormous, overwhelming crush on you."
Silence.
"Really?"
"Really."
"You certain?"
"Certainly certain."
"For real?"
"As real as the salt on my shoes."
Silence.
"So, want to go to this show I've got tickets for?"
A baby nano second.
"I guess so. Might as well let you have some kind of outlet for your obsessive crush on me. It's not like I'm going to enjoy it or anything. I'd really rather not think about it, or about you really. It's not like I think about you at all. But I suppose I'd enjoy it enough to tolerate being with you."
"Wonderful. It starts in half in hour. Shall we go?"
"Oh well, I guess if I must."
Takeru got up and turned to Ken.
"Sorry, can't make that movie. Taichi is dragging me off to some concert, completely against my will. But I might as well let him get his kicks now, before he decides to kidnap me something."
All Ken could do was sit silently and nod. Oh Takashi. He watched in awe as the two boys walked out of the coffee house, his chance at being an outstandingly out-of-character hero completely murdered by Taichi's completely typical confessional speech.
"You're just too adorable."
"I still want to see those notebooks."