What If?

Hey, AmberEyes here, this is my first fanfic, so forgive me if the characters are a little OOC or if my idea is unoriginal. Please, be nice, don't flame, and please review.

Disclaimers:

the rating is around PG-13 for some violence.

This fanfic is mostly in Heero's POV, but has a couple of parts in Relena's POV, and it is a 1xR… so if this pairing bothers you, then don't read it.

Finally, I do not own Gundam Wing or it's characters, I am simply a poor college student trying to pass the time.

Chapter 1

AC 198...

Heero Yuy sat at the large table in the restaurant accompanied by Duo Maxwell, Quatre Rababer Winner, Trowa Barton, and Wufei Chang. They were having a "reunion" of sorts to catch up on each others lives and see how things were going for all of them in this era of peace.

It had been Quatre's idea, and Heero truly didn't see the point of it. Their place had been in the past, and that's where it should stay, but still he came. He had surprised himself more then he did the others by showing up, but he was shocked when Wufei arrived as well. He was as much into sentimentalities as Heero was. Maybe he came for the same reasons Heero finally caved for. He was feeling utterly alone.

Heero could have smashed his head against the faux wood table for allowing such weak thoughts to influence his decisions, but he was no longer a soldier and he needed to learn how to live among normal people. Lead a normal life.

He almost smirked at such a ridiculous statement. What did he know about normal. Heero's life had been anything but normal. He was raised to kill without guilt, fight without fear, and die without thought because, in the end, his life truly meant nothing. Any emotion he showed was beaten out of him. Any gentleness, or kindness he expressed was rewarded by more pain. He was broken down until he was cold, numb… then, finally, felt nothing. He became exactly what they wanted, a machine, a weapon. He was no longer human. Every mission was carried out with deadly precision, and every mission accomplished was greeted with his cold laughter. Maybe it was an unconscious reaction. Maybe he was trying to gain some sick sort of joy from his existence. But there was none. He was only left even more empty then he was before. He didn't understand why. He still doesn't.

But that was before he met her…

She awakened his dormant emotions. Even though he was supposed to kill her, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Her eyes, the color of sky, held an innocence he couldn't comprehend. Her golden hair shone like it was made of light itself. Her slight frame looked so delicate, so fragile. Killing her shouldn't have been so difficult.

How can I kill something so pure? Am I questioning my mission?

Every emotion he had suppressed since he was ten had all of a sudden swirled through his being. The things he had repressed, and could barely remember were weighing him down, holding him at bay. And there was a new one. One he knew he had never felt before. Her bright sky blue eyes seemed to pull the trigger, but instead of inflicting pain, a warmth started to burn in his chest, and then continued to radiate through his body until he was sure he would combust. He was confused, even frightened of her impact on him. So he ran, a cowardly reaction that he often mentally reprimanded himself for, but what could he do? It wasn't like he had been prepared for something like this. Sometimes, just being near her would cause his whole body to ache. She would only distract him from his mission. So, he kept her at arms length, most of the time. And now, even though the war is over, he still can't bring himself to stay near her too long, despite the fact that that's the one thing he wants most. He can't name the feelings he has for her, he doesn't understand them.

Relena… He said her name in his head for, possibly, the millionth time since Mariemaya's coup de ta. I don't deserve her.

His hands were far too stained with blood. He is too tainted, too broken a person to give her what she needs.

He closed his eyes to the scene at the restaurant and imagined her standing before him. How he wished to run his hands through her hair. Feel the silky smoothness of her cheek against his rough, calloused hands. Feel her soft lips press against his… He felt the warmth spread in his chest again and snapped himself back to reality. He felt light headed and tingly, and realized that he had been holding his breath. He let it out in one even and unnoticeable sigh.

Is this normal? Heero thought to himself.

"Hey Heero… are you even listening?"

Heero's attention was suddenly brought back to the table. Duo was looking at him intently, and he realized that he had just missed the entire conversation.

"Hn." he grunted in reply.

"So, as I was saying…" Duo continued boisterously. " Are you gonna make your move on Relena already or what?"

"What are you talking about?" Heero asked in his usual monotone.

"Don't give me that!" Duo said animatedly throwing his arms into the air, nearly knocking a waitress over in the process. " Even with your anti- emotional, anti- social, "Perfect Soldier" shit, it's still pretty obvious that you're in love with her." He turned to the rest of the table. "Am I right guys?"

"Well… yes." was Quatre's polite response.

Trowa nodded impassively and Wufei just scowled, but Duo took it as a confirmation.

"Ya see?" Duo stated matter-of-factly. " And she'll be here pretty soon so…"

"What?" Heero cut him off.

Duo smiled wickedly. To an outsider, Heero sounded like he couldn't care less, but those who know him could recognize his surprise.

"So… you missed that part of the conversation too." Duo laughed. "Well, as I'm sure you know, she has been here on L1 for business these last couple of days and she starts on her little vacation tomorrow, so Quatre," Duo threw a wink in Quatre's direction, " invited her. She'll be here at eight."

Heero looked at the clock on the wall, not missing the smug look on Duo's face, it read 7:48. His emotionless mask never betraying his inner affliction, he felt his heart beat pick up triple time and had to work to keep his breathing under control. He hadn't seen her in nearly two years.

"So what are you gonna say?" Duo coaxed.

"Hn." was Heero's response.

"Aw come on man, I know you love her and…"

Duo kept babbling idiotically, but Heero stopped listening.

Love, Heero thought, that is the perfect word for it.

He had never felt love from anyone before her, but that is the only thing that makes sense.

I love her, he confessed to himself, and even thinking about it made him want to smile. But I don't deserve her. She is beautiful and pure… an innocent. I am a killer. I am a machine, a weapon. I only know death and destruction, I can't possibly love… be loved. I will only destroy her in the end.

His face remained a cold, hard, emotionless mask and no one could see the battle taking place within. He knows in his heart that it is the truth, and he wouldn't, no couldn't live with himself if something happened to Relena, especially if he was the cause. He has to keep his distance. It is the only way he can protect her.

"Duo…" Heero finally interrupted his senseless banter.

"What?" Duo asked.

"Shut up."

That was all Heero said, then got up and left, running yet again. He didn't pay attention to Duo and the others as they tried to voice their protests. He didn't pay attention to the crowd in the restaurant as he pushed his way to the door. He didn't pay attention to the cold biting through his thin, white button up shirt as he stepped into the night, the darkness enveloping him, welcoming back its eternally lost son.

He uncharacteristically ignored his surroundings, trying to push the image of Relena out of his mind. She had looked so beautiful earlier that day as he watched her at a Peace Conference between all the delegates of the ESUN. He had watched from the shadows of the large, stadium-like room as she gave a powerful speech. An intelligent fire had burned in her clear, sky colored eyes. Her hair was tied back at the nape of her neck and flowed freely to her waist. She was dressed in a smart pant suit that was entirely white, adding to the image of purity. But there was a fierceness in her voice that she had not possessed when they first met.

Perhaps, if he hadn't been so weak, he would have confronted to her at the conference. Perhaps, if he hadn't been so weak, he wouldn't have ran from the restaurant in such a cowardly fashion. Perhaps, if he hadn't been so weak, he wouldn't have been so surprised by what happened next.

A cold hand covered his mouth and was pulled back into the chest of a man much larger then he. Before Heero could react, he felt a pressure to the right of his mid back, quickly replaced by searing pain as the cold metal of a dagger slid smoothly and swiftly into his body.

"Heero Yuy." Confirmed the raspy voice of his murderer.

Heero was rendered completely immobile. Not because of the pain now radiating through his body. No, but because of the familiar, feminine figure watching in shock at the end of the street. Yes, Relena Darlain stood frozen in horror as her once resilient protector was being murdered in front of her eyes.

"Too bad," Heero could hear the sneer in his voice, "now she has to watch you die slowly, and painfully… And don't worry, your four buddies will be following you shortly."

And, before Heero could react or speak, he felt the blade in his body slide upwards about an inch or two just before the killer gave it a deadly twist and removed the weapon. He was gone as quickly as he came.

"No! Heero!" he heard her scream, and she was running toward him.

He made a move in Relena's direction, but his legs refused to hold him any longer. He collapsed onto his knees, his arms hung limply at his sides as he put all the energy he had left into keeping his posture upright. He started to sway from the effort, and just as he was about to loose all the strength he had left, a pair of gentle hands took hold of him and pulled him tightly into the warm body of the woman he tried so hard to stay away from. To protect.

The metallic taste of blood washed over his palate as his breathing became shallow. His consciousness started becoming more and more evasive.

Relena cradled him to her in one arm while the other hand lifted his shirt to check the seriousness of his wound. She was fighting to keep calm, but when she saw how deep and lethal it was, her hands began to tremble, tears stung in her eyes and panic began to set in.

"Oh no, Heero…No." Were the first words out of her mouth. She took in one deep breath and with all the force she had in her, she shouted, "Somebody! Help me! Call 911! SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!"

And with that final scream, she broke down. Tears streamed from her eyes as she looked into the face of the only man who had her whole heart. His eyes, that impossible shade of Prussian blue, were still as guarded as ever. He was still conscious, but she could tell that it was taking some effort. And there was a lot of blood, everywhere. On her hands, seeping into her clothes… trickling out of the corner of his mouth down the side of his face. Her tears were renewed as she placed her hand on his face and tried to wipe away the crimson line, only managing to cause it to smudge. He was losing too much blood…blood.

I'm an idiot! I need to stop the bleeding.

Relena cursed her moment of stupidity as she removed the zip up sweater she was wearing with her one free hand. She folded it up as quickly and as best she could, and pressed it firmly against his back. His body began to tremble lightly and Relena pulled him closer to her, trying to keep him warm with her body heat. She tucked his head beneath her chin and forced herself to keep her composure. She had never thought it was possible for him to be like this. He was becoming weak, fighting for every breath.

He is dying, she thought, the tears flowing despite her efforts. He is human, even if he doesn't believe it…

"R… Relena…" she heard him gasp.

Her heart nearly broke at the sound, and she didn't think she was strong enough to handle the emotion in his voice. She hushed him, and gently started rocking back and forth to sooth him, as his mother probably never had. He surprised her by pulling back and raising his face to meet hers. She forced herself to look at him, and her heart finally shattered. His skin had gotten so pale and cold, and he could hardly keep his eyes open. He was taking deep shuttering breaths that caught in his throat, as if it were impossible for him to take a complete breath, and his lips were dry and cracked.

She pressed her forehead against his and sobbed uncontrollably, unable to bare the thought of loosing him. She felt icy fingers brush gently across her cheek. She cleared her eyes and witnessed Heero's hand wiping the tears from her face. Its path left a warm, tingling sensation in its wake.

"…I..m…s sorry." he said to her, and his eyes closed.

His hand dropped from her face and a new wave of panic spread through her body. "Heero?" She shook his shoulders gently with no effect. "H-Heero?" She said more urgently and shook him more forcefully. His eyes snapped open and she relaxed slightly. "I love you… so much." She blurted without thought.

She loves me? He thought. He hadn't believed that it was possible.

He opened his mouth to speak. He wanted so bad to tell her the truth, but it was so hard, and not just because of his injuries. He went to speak, but ended up coughing as more blood flowed into his mouth and found its way out the corner of his lips. Relena began to cry again, hugging him to her. He did not want to see her cry. He wanted to hold her, tell her everything would be okay, but his body would not allow it and he once again cursed his weakness.

"Oh, my God!" He heard the familiar voice of Quatre from behind. "Hey guys! Guys! It's Heero!" The Arab pilot sounded as though he may cry.

"Heero? Oh no, Heero!" Was Duo's follow up, completely lacking any of the humor from earlier.

Heero heard hurried foot steps as the four other Gundam pilots approached. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he slowly turned his head to stare up into Trowa's one visible emerald eye. First, grief shadowed his normally impassive features, which was quickly taken over by rage. The hand on his shoulder tightened some.

"Who did this?" He asked in a remarkably unaffected tone.

Heero took a breath to speak and was rewarded by another cough and more blood trickling out of his mouth. An angry huff by where his feet were still bent awkwardly beneath his body, brought Duo into his line of sight. He did not recognize his American friend. There was a dangerous glint in his eyes and his normally goofy/happy expression had turned to one of stone and anger. He looked ready to kill. Heero sensed that this may be a side of him that he tried hard not to express.

"What the hell happened?" Wufei asked curtly, but this time the question was directed to Relena.

"I turned the corner to…to get to the restaurant, and a large man grabbed him from behind…" she paused a moment to take a deep breath. "I couldn't see him well enough to tell you who…and then…I saw…a flash of metal, and he disappeared." Tears were beginning to form in her eyes at the memory. "All I could do was run to him…"

"Did you see which way he went?" The Chinese man asked.

Relena only nodded her head in the direction she saw him leave. Wufei looked at Trowa and started to move in the direction Relena had indicated. Trowa understood, and began to stand up to follow. Heero could hear sirens in the distance and the hushed chatter of strangers nearby. A large crowd must be forming, but there was something important… and suddenly, he remembered.

He turned quickly to grab Trowa by the wrist before he stood completely. The sudden movement caused a tremor of pain to wrack his body, and his emotionless mask broke as he winced, showing the intensity of his suffering outwardly for the first time that night. But he didn't let go of his wrist, he needed to warn them.

"He…He's after you too…All of you…" He managed to say unemotionally.

Trowa nodded and then left to follow Wufei. Quatre kneeled next to him in Trowa's place. He took hold of Heero's wrist, searching for his pulse, and his face fell. He shook his head slowly and turned to Duo.

"His pulse is fading fast…" He said softly.

"No… Come on Heero," Duo seethed as Relena cried silently, "you're stronger then this man." And he hung his head in defeat.

Everything began to slow. Color was fading and it seemed as though he were looking at everything through a long tunnel. Voices around became distant as his lungs burned and his eyes were pulled shut. He distantly acknowledged Quatre's grip on his wrist tighten. He began to mutter something in a strange language that Heero assumed was a prayer to his God. As the ambulance arrived with a couple of police cars in tow, he found himself fighting against the pull that threatened to drown him.

He felt the warmth leave his body as the EMTs gently removed him from Relena's arms, quickly placing him on a stretcher and loading him in the back of the ambulance. Relena and Duo quickly agreed to ride with him to the hospital while Quatre offered to stay behind and relay the information to the officers.

The back of the vehicle was crowded with Heero laid out on the stretcher, Duo was sitting next to Relena on the small bench near the rear doors, and the two EMTs fussing about Heero, getting him hooked up to a small heart monitor, while hurriedly grabbing other medical supplies. This kind of attention would normally irritate Heero, but he was too busy fighting the tides that were trying ruthlessly to pull him in every direction.

"I'm surprised this kid is still conscious." The young EMT stated.

"This isn't good…" the older EMT whispered to his comrade after rolling Heero onto his side to check the wound. He rattled off a list of medical supplies he would need and the younger complied.

Heero listened in to the EMTs conversation, hoping for a distraction from the intense pain and fatigue that suddenly overtook his senses.

"What's wrong?" the younger EMT questioned the look on the elder's face.

"Whoever stabbed this kid knew what they were doing." He whispered while skillfully dressing his wound. "There is no way that its placement was an accident."

"What do you mean?" The younger asked in a hushed tone while putting an oxygen mask over Heero's mouth.

"He stabbed him in just the right place…" He said, grimly indicating the gauze, blood already soaking through. "Inflicting maximum amounts of pain and damage without killing him instantly. He wanted this kid to suffer intensely before bleeding out."

"Are you trying to tell me that a professionally trained assassin went after some eighteen-year-old kid!" The younger said incredulously, raising his voice as the other tried to hush him. He didn't want to upset the two passengers.

"You would be surprised by how many people would love to see me die." Heero said uncaringly, his voice held no evidence of pain. He was losing his battle. He felt himself slowly being pulled under.

"Pulse is becoming erratic…"

"Get some epinephrine ready..."

"B.P. is dropping…"

"He's loosing consciousness…"

The frantic voices swirled around Heero, but he wasn't registering any of it. He was being pulled away, darkness enveloping him. The last thing he could comprehend was the warmth of Relena's tears against his skin.

Then nothing.

Now calm down. Before any of you hurt me, Heero is not dead, I do have a second chapter in the works, but if you want to see it, you must review!