by: Mister-X (yahlord@freenetname.co.uk)
NOTE:
This fanfic has two authors. One of them is Yah!Lord,
who wrote it in late 1999. It was his fourth fanfic, and also undeniably
his best (easy enough when you compare it to all the other crap he's written.)
The second author is Mister-X, who, incidentally, is
the same person. Instead of writing a new fanfic, he decided to overhaul
one of his old ones. He added a scene here, deleted a few lines there,
and generally improved the fanfic.
As you can tell, both these authors are the same person.
And that is quite clearly me.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy FF Snow White- available
in the shops now for only £14.99!
NEW! Now on audiobook, and translated into Urdu,
Zande, Tho, Tulu, Dogri, Edo, Tongan, Min, Sango, Kongo, Dong, Fon, Nung,
Hindi, Ho, Gago, Fula, Fang-bulu, Farsi, Byelorussian, Bemba, Uzbek, Wu,
Yi, Yao, Tatar, Esperanto, Luba-lulua, Oppish, Punjabi, Tagalag, Quechua,
Swahili, and Hmong!
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, charming young maiden- what? 'Tifa' and 'maiden' in the same sentence, with no "not" or "yeah, right" in it? Um, whatever- a beautiful, charming young GIRL named Tifa Lo- sorry, Snow Tifa. Is Tifa a colour? Oh, who cares...as long as I get paid. Anyway, she was found wandering in the, um, abundant forests around Costa del Sol one day by 7 other members of the cast of Final Fantasy VII. And she was fair, young, and wise.
Also, by an incredible coincidence, in this fantasy dream world, lived
the thirty-eighth Resurrected Evil Bitch Queen named Aeris (henceforth
known as R. E. B. Q. Aeris XXXVIII). And she was a total beatch.
Every day, she would ask her mirror who was the fairest of them all.
And the mirror, who was named Bob, would appear, and say in a deep and
mystical voice, "You called me down here for that, I'm trying to watch
the Mirror Programme, Bob, it's a mirror's life." Bob of course is the
patron saint of all mirrors, who was famously martyred when the Bad Luck
King Alan CLXXXVI smashed him in an effort to switch his luck. It's
hard to say whether it worked or not, because the next day as he was attempting
to test his new shotgun's firing range whilst simultaneously licking a
speck of dust from inside the barrel- sorry, the full story is too horrible
to recount.
One day, at REBQ Aeris XXXVIII's Doom Castle (tm), it was another normal
day in REBQ Aeris XXXVIII's Doom Castle in Sector 9, in Midgar. Even
though Sector 9 doesn't exist. And Meteor fell on Midgar. Oh
well, they were in... Bitchland, the new country created by Aeris after
her ascencion to the throne. Anyway, back to the story.
"Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's t'fairest of'them a'll?" asked
the Queen her mirror.
And the mirror didn't respond. REBQ Aeris XXXVIII realised that
it was the special ornamental mirror she was talking to, and not the magic
one across the room, who looked at her disdainfully.
"Yes, the Mirror Programme is on. I must say, you have an unrequited
talent for interrupting any programme anyone wants to watch- I mean it
can't be normal. Seventh sense? 'Can tell if Mirror Programme
is On'? You've interrupted it AGAIN, in case you can't tell, but
you know, it's okay, because I got one of those new digital doohickeys
that records everything and lets you watch it while it's still recording,
but then, I'll miss Mirrorpool vs. Mirror City, so I'll have to tape-"
"SILENCE!" screamed the Ressurected Evil Bitch Queen.
"All-frcking-right. You are the fairest of them all, my Queen.
Happy now?" There was a pause.
"You're lying, aren't you? I can tell. Who is the fairest
of them all?"
"Goddammit, it's Snow Tifa. Go kill her, or something.
I'm, missing a great article now about mirrors affecting the world mirror
sales figures!"
"Okey dokey. I got me some poison apples to sell! Where
are they, Bob?"
"We had to get rid of them. After the unfortunate "vegan" incident
2 years back, we had to replace them with regular ones," said the Mirror.
"We have some liquid cyanide in the lethal hold, though, and there's plenty
of syringes in there."
"Righty ho." said the Queen, and trotted off to the Lethal hold, on
the umpteenth floor.
The mirror went back to watching the Mirror programme.
"It's okay, honey. I taped it for you." said his wife, Bobbette.
"I really wish that stupid Queen would just go move, or something."
"I'll bet she's nice at heart. Most people are."
"You said that about Hitler*."
(That being Svengsborg Hitler, who created the Bob No
More Mirror-Smash-De-Bad-Luck-inator.)
Of course, instead of actually using cyanide, arsenic, methylene chloride,
hydrofluoric acid, carbon tetrachloride, 1,1,1-trichloroethane, fuming
red nitric acid, or even Wintogreen Lifesavers to poison Tifa, she decided
to use that old cliché, and simply put her into a neverending sleep.
Screw killing her, she thought. I'll just put her into a neverending
sleep for some reason.
(This is one of the things that pisses me off in RPGs. Whenever
it tells you about in the past how the Guardians (or whatever) sealed an
evil demon for 1000 years, why the hell don't they just kill it?
They must know that the demon's gonna break out eventually, and screw everything
up again, after the Guardians are dead, or dormant or whatever. And
also, it always comes down to 3 or 4 people against one big bad demon.
You'd think they'd hire an army or something, but nooo. This is particularly
ridiculous in Suikoden (although there are 6 people).)
(We would like to apologise for that ridiculously long footnote.
The people responsible for it have been sacked.)
SCENE II- Cloud's Villa.
"Knock knock knock knock-knock!" said REBQ Aeris. Failing a response,
she tried the doorbell that Cloud had installed, meaning it probably wouldn't
work. It did, though (because Cid fixed it), because Aeris heard
the "Highwind" theme play. Then, Cloud's voice came on.
"Hi, you have reached the villa of Cloud "Cloud" Strife." Then, Vincent's
voice cut in. "They're standing ouside, you idiot, they know that."
"Okay," continued the recording. "Anyway, we're out now, or can't
be bothered to get up, or- yes, Cid, watching the Dukes of Hazzard (now
there's
an underused cliché), or the Discovery Channel Network, thank
you Red, or Sesame Street, or- to hell with it! I'm running out of
recording ti-" and it cut off.
"Stupid director," said Aeris to a duck. "this never happens
in high-budget films!"
"This isn't a film, duhwoman," said another duck.
"Really? I though it- hey, ducks can't talk!" She looked
at it accusatorily.
"Quack quack!" said the duck innocently.
"Damn straight!"
Scene III: Snow Tifa's Secret Hideout
"So, tell me again who we're hiding from," said- yes, Cloud, for the
seventeenth time that week, it being early Monday morning.
"Goddammit, we're hiding from Ressurected Evil Bitch Queen Aeris XXVIII,
you sodding smegging sodding smegging gimboid gimboid moronic gimboid!"
shouted Yah!Lord for the sixteenth time of the week, losing his temper
with Cloud again. Again. Again. Again again.
"Yeah!" chipped in Sephiroth, unwisely, since Yah!Lord hates people
who chip in with stupid comments. Yah!Lord did indeed turn round,
and glared at Sephiroth, who was spontaneously hit by a lightning bolt.
(Serves him right for being here, and alive somehow, and convincing all
the other party members that he wasn't evil any more, and so forth.)
"Wow!" shouted Cait Sith in amazement. "How'd you do that?"
"Well, what you do is, you get a Lightning materia, available in many
stores for a mere 650 gil, and then you cast the spell "Bolt" with it.
Or, if you've had it a long time, you may be able to cast "Bolt2" or "Bolt3"
or "Luminaire" if you're on Chrono Trigger," said Yah!Lord, irritated that
no-one knew what materia was.
Suddenly, a young member of SeeD appeared! "...." he said.
"What was that?" asked Vincent.
"...." he continued.
"He didn't actually say anything," complained Yah!Lord, before making
Squall vanish, because he hated people who say dot dot dot dot. (Even
moreso, he hates the fact that the most commonly said thing in Final Fantasy
IX is '!!!!?' or '......')
"Yes, but in the Final Fantasy universe, you can hear people saying
"....", especially Vincent," said Red, saying something for once in this
fan fic. (This is weird- Cloud hasn't been hit, Red's not saying
anything, Cait Sith's spoken, and Barrett's about to speak!)
"Yo, foos, ...., goddammit, ya know?" said Barrett, adding new depth
to Ebonics/Final Fantasy relations, before Yah!Lord's Humorously Oversized
meat Tenderiser of Yah! (forged by the great Yah!Lord himself, who can
forge his own really cool weapons) appeared in Yah!Lord's hand, and in
his other had, was... his other Humorously Oversized Meat Tenderiser of
Yah!, (fbtgY!Lh,wcfhorcw) and he simultaneously whacked Cloud and Barrett
round the head. Then, he put Barrett on a flight to Hokkaido, Japan,
where he was due to make a speech at a trade show for Mistuh Spahkle, the
Ebonics / Japanese crossover soap powder, and gave the two Humorously Oversized
Meat Tenderisers of Yah! (bfbtgY!Lh,wcfhorcw) back to his PA to appear
in another fan fic. But back to the plot. "We have a plot now?"
said Cait Sith incredulously (yay! pointless word!), but quietly, since
the stupidest member of the fanfic had just been knocked unconscious with
a meat tenderizer (although it was a humorously oversized meat tenderiser).
"Well, now Cloud and Barrett aren't here, perhaps we can have an intell-
oh wait. Yuffie, get out." said Red, and whipped her rounda da face
with his tail, giving her third degree burns. She rushed off to the
hospital, while Cait Sith huddled behind his moogle, Bob, for protection,
and Cid rushed off to watch the 38-hour Monday Morning Dukes of Hazzard
marathon on- where else, the Old Bad ReRuns network.
"I'm going to say something now!" said Tifa. "Oh wait... I forgot.
Since Sephiroth is in ashes, I've got no-one to beat up, unless I beat
Vincent up, but I've got no excuse to do that... dang."
"Since when did you need an excuse?" asked Yah!Lord, taking Cid's point
of view for once.
"Last time I tried Vincent turned into a 12 foot tall armour plated
killing machine and tried to destroy me. You never know how bad that
is until it happens to you. Sure, I beat the bottom part of it's
armour plating off him (he didn't have pants!!!! whoo, I forgot to take
my dried frog pills), but it kinda puts you off," she replied, for once
satisfying Yah!Lord, when she heard a knock at the door. Cloud got
up to get it, so Yah!Lord wouldn't knock him unconscious again, but
Yah!Lord sat him down.
"Look, I've read about this stuff. If it's an old woman with
a basket of apples and a veil over her forehead, don't let her in,
okay?"
"I've read the relevant literature," lied Cloud, who had only ever
read one book, where there was no past tense, the main character was a
dog called Ben, and all sixteen pages were made of chew-proof cardboard.
He answered the door.
"Hello young lad. Is Tifa there?" said the old woman with a veil
and a basket of apples at the door. Cloud's eyes widened, he roared,
and he kicked the woman so hard she flew 7 feet back onto the driveway.
As Tifa came out to see who it was, she saw Cloud kicking her mother 7
feet back onto the drive. She ran out to collect her mother, put
her in her bedroom, and came out to see Cloud.
"No need to thank me Tifa, I was only doing what was needed." he said.
"I'm not going to thank you," said Tifa, and closed the door.
What an odd day it had been, reflected Tifa's mother in her daughter's
bedroom. First, that young Claude fella had broken her ribs, and
then her daughter had broken his ribs, left leg, right and left
arm, three fingers, seven toes, fractured his skull and pierced his lung.
Still, it had been raining. Suddenly there was another knock at the
door, and this time Yah!Lord went to get it. It was an old woman
with a basket of apples and a veil over her head.
"Oh, hello, Ressurected Evil Bitch Queen Aeris the thirty-eighth,"
said Yah!Lord cheerily.
"Shut up you moron, you'll blow my cover!" hissed the woman.
"Did you just call me a moron?" asked Yah!Lord LOOKING at Aeris.
"No, I called you a Barong," lied Aeris. "You know, off of Azure
Dreams?"
"But I don't eat items and spit out better ones, I'm not purple, and
I don't wear a bad ginger wig," pointed out Yah!Lord.
"But you might," pointed out Aeris, before Yah!Lord LOOKED at Aeris.
"Sorry."
"So, why you here?"
"I've come to assassinate Tifa. Poisoned apple?"
"No thanks. I've got a real bad allergy. Whenever I eat
them I die. 'S a good thing I keep this Final Attack materia rubberbanded
to a Revive materia."
"You mean you can die?" asked Aeris, cunningly.
"Yes, although I do have infinite HP and MP, protection from all status
ailments, and a Final Attack/Revive materia slot, so technically, you can't
kill me. Anyway, I thought you were dead?"
"Yeah, it turns out that Phoenix Downs do revive dead people, and Bob,
my mirror, had a few spare, so he revived me, and... you know. Anyway,
I thought you were omnicogniscant."
"I am. I just like irritating people. Anyway, you're here
to kill Tifa, and I don't want that to happen, so... ah hell, I'll ask
Tifa. HEY TIFA!! YOU WANT AN APPLE?"
"I already got 37 apples from my ma!" shouted Tifa in from the back.
"That's all I'm doin'" said Yah!Lord, folding his arms. He let
Aeris in, and went to the local shop, presumably being as sick of all this
crap as everyone else.
As soon as Aeris entered, Yah!Lord appeared again, wearing an "ONLY
6 DAYS UNTIL WRESTLEMANIA!" t-shirt.
"Hey, where'd you come from?" asked Red.
"I went to the shop, but I got bored of walking, so I decided to come
back," answered Yah!Lord.
"So where'd you get that shirt from?"
"This? Oh, I've had this for years. It was a bit of a stupid
buy, though, cause I can only wear it once a year."
"You got tired of walking? You were only out for about 3 seconds!"
said Yuffie, picking up on a previous bit of the conversation.
"Your point being?"
*sweatdrop*
Suddenly, a prehistoric woman, a vampire (not Vincent) with long gray
hair, and a robot all decided to spontaneously appear in the living room.
"God, not more crossover," said Vincent and Magus (in case you hadn't
worked that out yet) at the same time, before glaring at each other.
magus then went over to the corner.
"Hey! What do you think you're doing?" asked Vincent.
"I'm going over to mope in the corner," replied Magus.
"...but that's my corner! Only I get to sulk in there!"
"So? Go find another corner. There's a basement, isn't
there-" Magus was cut short by Vincent screaming and turning into Chaos.
Chaos rushed at Magus and started chasing him round the house, Magus for
once running and screaming in terror.
While all this was going on, all the others were watching, dumbfounded.
"...what the hell just happened?" asked Red, slightly worried.
"I've got no idea, and I'm writing this," said Yah!Lord, also
looking slightly worried.
"I think it was just an excuse for Yah!Lord to derail the plot (or
lack thereof) temporarily. I must say, it worked very well," said
a robotic voice from behind him. Yahlord spun around to find that
it was Robo (duh).
"Where we?" asked Ayla, slightly perplexed at the completely irrational
behaviour of... well, everyone, but more worried about where the hell they
were and how they could get home.
"I compute a 98% probability that we are in the year 1997, in the Final
Fantasy VII universe," said Robo.
"It's 1999, actually. Your internal body-clock is out.
I think you need another neuro-spectrum field calibration," said Red.
Robo gasped. "1999?! What date?"
Red shrugged. "I 'unno, I think it's the 14th of March."
"My god! That means it's only 2 months till the apocalypse!!"
Robo yelled, slightly worried about the impending Day of Lavos.
"Apocalypse? But I thought we averted Meteor?" asked Cait Sith.
"Not a meteor, you fools! Don't you see?! The Day of Lavos
is alnost upon-" Robo stopped talking, and Red emerged from behind
him, with a 12V battery in his hand.
"I didn't want to have to do that, but he was in the wrong game," said
Red.
"Hey, how did you remove that battery? You don't have any hands,"
pointed out Cait Sith.
"Plot element," said Yah!Lord. "Red's the only one smart enough
to do that... at least the only one who isn't being chased around by a
big mutant, being a big mutant, or nearly falling asleep from writing this
crap."
"What going on?" asked Ayla. "Ayla no like childish quib-ling."
"Yah!Lord's decided it's time for a Chrono Trigger crossover, and/or
decided to piss me off by derailing the plot and stopping me from progressing
with my evil plan. And I must say, he's very good at it" said REBQ
Aeris, gaining a little wave from Yah!Lord.
Suddenly, Frog and Cyan appeared. "Not another crossover!" said
Frog in exasperation.
"How hast thou been, then, Sir Frog? Talketh thou still
in that irritating way, akin to my chosen speech pattern?" asked Cyan,
before Yah!Lord LOOKED at him. (I'm doing a lot of LOOKing today.)
"Just say "How are you doing? Are you still speaking like a moron?"
"That I refuseth to say, for mine own speech is not in the least moronic."
said Cyan stubbornly, before having a 167 Ton wight dropped on him.
"CAN WE GET TO THE POINT NOW?!" screamed REBQ Aeris XXVIII. "This
is a Snow White fan fic! Not a Crono Trigger and FF6 crossover!
Get out!" she screamed at Ayla, Robo, Cyan (who had had the weight taken
off his head), Magus (who was still running from Chaos as if his life depended
on it, which, well, it probably did ^^) and Frog. All of them except
Robo left, Robo still being inactive in the middle of the room.
"Okay, finally back to the point. Tifa, my mirror Bob
says you're fairer than me, so I've come to kill you."
"Seems fair," said Yah!Lord.
"Would you like slow 'n' painful, quick 'n' much more painful, or neverending
sleep?"
"Well I wouldn't like any, but if I had to choose... quick and painful."
"Too bad. Neverending Sleep is all I got, despite the fact that
it's well proven that this method doesn't work correctly. Here, have
an apple."
"Oh, okay. As long as it won't put me into a neverending sleep,"
said Tifa, crunching on the apple. "Mmm, this is nice! It's
a bit too sweet though."
"Bite out of the other side," said Aeris, grumpily.
"Okay..." Tifa said, and bit out of the other side, and fell into a
neverending sleep.
"MUWUHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!" screamed Aeris, and disappeared in a flash of
lightning.
*pause*
"Right, so we need a handsome prince," said Red.
"I'll check Yellow Pages," said Yah!Lord.
"How did she disappear like that?" said Cloud, after Tifa's mother
had used FullCure on both of them, before Yah!Lord crushed his skull with
a handy morning star.
SCENE IV: Still at Tifa's Secret Hideout
"Hi, is that Handsome Princes 'R' Us? Yeah... evil witch's curse.
Apple. Neverending sleep, you know the drill. Do you deliver?
Not after 9 pm... right, thanks anyway. Bye." Yah!Lord put
the phone down dejectedly. "Not one delivers."
"How about we use The Handsome Prince Corp.'s Glass Tomb Service?"
asked Red, looking up. "We keep a glass tomb handy for things like
this."
"Yeah, why not? Stick it in the town square, have a bit of a
funeral, get a prince to come along and kiss her, and Seto's your uncle."
"Seto's my father."
"Whatever. Get on the phone."
"Hello? Is that the Handsome Prince corporation? We need to use your Glass Tomb service tomorrow. Neverending sleep. Apple, evil witch. You know, Snow White thing. Ummm... Alan, if he's free tomorrow. Thanks. How much will that be? 89,000 gil? Fine. See you tomorrow. Bye."
SCENE V: Snow Tifa's Funeral
"Where is that prince?" asked Yah!Lord irritably. They had put
Tifa's tomb in the centre of the town square, so that all the inhabitants
if the town could see how fair she was, but more directly, so that everyone
could ogle her.
"Is that him?" asked Cloud.
"No, Cloud. That's the guy off the toilet in Rocket Town, you
blind sodding smegging sodding smegging gimboid gimboid moronic gimboid,"
said Yah!Lord flawlessly (my new favourie phrase ^^). THAT'S the
handsome prince, there." And the prince arrived.
"Hi, my name is Alan. Alan Handsome-Prince.," said Alan, the
handsome prince. "I'm the Prince of the Yah! Federated State of Yah!Topia,
and I'm the son of Alan Alain Alanalain, King of the Yah! Federated State
of Yah!Topia."
"It's nice to see genuine royal blood around," said Yah!Lord.
"This Ms. Tifa, then?" asked Alan, looking at Tifa. "It'll be
a pleasure," he said, glancing down for a fraction of a second. He
kissed her, and she woke up and kissed him, and they got married.
You know the drill.
"There's still some stuff to tie up," Yah!Lord protested.
NOT THE END
"Thank yoo."
SCENE VI: R.E.B.Q. Aeris' Doom Castle
Ressurected Evil bitch Queen Aeris XXVIII paraded triumphantly up and
down her castle, triumphantly waving the Top 1000 Fair Maidens List of
2001 triumphantly.
"Seventy-Fifth Fairest Queen!" she said to her mirror. "I wonder
where I am in the world rankings..."
"865th," said Bob curtly. "Out of 1000 entrants, mind you."
"Shut up, Bob."
"You do know that there are only 78 evil queens in the world?
75th isn't bad for you."
"Shut up, Bob."
"And that includes Queen Brahne."
"Shut up, Bob."
"Yuffie came in 366th in the world."
"Shut UP, Bob."
"My mother Bobbina would never have let that happen. 'Never date
anyone with a perfectly round face' she'd always say."
"Shut UP, Bob."
"Largest drop was Tifa, what with being married and all. Dropped
963 places. Apparently, if she hadn't got married she'd be 12th this
year."
"Shut UP, Bob."
SCENE VII: Tifa and Alan's Wedding
"I don't see why I couldn't have been a bridesmaid," muttered
Yuffie. "I wouldn't have tripped up and burst into tears."
She looked disdainfully at Marlene, the bridesmaid in question.
"At least they gave you a legitimate reason," said Red. "'You've
got to have hands to be a ringbearer!'" he falsettoed.
"Shu'up, foos, iss startin'," said Barrett, and glared at Yuffie for
her little comment about Marlene, before a large pomegranate crushed him.
The label on the large fruit read, surprisingly, "Yah!Lord Farms- End to
All Irritating Discussions."
"Wow, that's a relief," said Yuffie, before being crushed by a giant
cornucopia, which some small children were starting to Morris Dance around.
Red sat there, between a huge pomegranate and a giant cornucopia/maypole.
"Wow, I'm lucky nothing hit me," he said, which is a very unwise thing
to say if you DON'T want to get crushed and you're in the prescence of
Yah!Lord. Fortunately, I like Red, so nothing crushed him.
I'll have to crush Cloud twice to make up for it.
"Aaaagh!!" came the scream from the spiky haired wonder, at the exact
moment a tractor came driving away from him. There were hisses of
"shut up, you moron, you're disturbing the ceremony!" and "yum! melon!
i'll have some of that" from the assembled, just as the melon disappeared.
Then, another oversize fruit, this time a starfruit, pinned Cloud to the
side of the organ, which, because it was a self-playing organ, spontaneously
began to play "All My Songs Sound The Same, So It's Impossible To Tell
Which One This Is" by Britney Spears.. Thankfully, Vincent shot it
before any damage could be done. Cloud was now not getting up, partly
because he was scared that if he got up, he would get knocked unconscious
again, and partly because he was actually still unconscious. Tifa
dragged him away, making an impromptu pre-wedding appearance, with mutters
of "he's not ruining MY wedding, the spoily spoilt spoiler" because Tifa
didn't know any worse language than "retard". And she only said that
to Barrett.
Tifa walked out, Alan walked in, another organ magically appeared and
started to play the wedding march, and they got married. And everyone
lived happily ever after, except Cloud who was crushed 17 more times before
the day ended, until the next time I decided to write a fan fic about them.
THE END
(Honest)
"Wait a goddamn minute!" screamed Ressurected Evil Bitch Queen Aeris
XXXVIII, entering spectacularly. "I must atone for my sins because
I've been ressurected! Is Vincent Valentine here?"
"I'm right here!" said Vincent, jumping at the opportunity to give
his patented "How to Atone" lessons to Aeris, which usually ended up in
the people screaming and/or walking out in disgust. He jumped at
the chance because she stood for all the things Vincent hated. Like
niceness, flowers, and fluffy little kittens. So he obviously wanted
to torture her. But she was evil now. So she was okay.
But she did ask... who would he be if he didn't help a maiden in distress?
Probably not a maiden, but... ah, heck. "Let's go atone for sins!"
he said evilly, and cackled. Then he stopped, aware that everyone
was looking at him. "Let's just go," he said. They swept out
regally, as best they could with 150 people gawping, sniggering, and generally,
um, gawping at them, and went off to atone for their sins, which included
cackling, saying "....", being overly nice, and talking to mirrors.
And it really is this time.
"Hold on!" said Cloud, before a man came in and decapitated Cloud with a bowler hat, bowed, and walked out to cheers.
THE END
And just to make sure, I'm going to shut off my word proce-