It was just like every other night. Sitting in their small one bedroom apartment- alone. Silence, her only friend, only love. It was never the same- back when they first started dating they were planning their futures together. They would cuddle up on the double bed, candels surrounding them as they whispered sweet words of love to each other.
But that was all a fairy tale, a false impression. The world was lying and it was only time before the truth made it's self clear. Her knees huddled up to her chest, the dim light of the candles glowed and cast shadows upon her face. Alone, it was something she would never be use to. Sometimes she just couldn't bear it. She tried so hard to change things back to the way it was, but nothing seemed to work, it all just came back and hit her in the face.
Nights she would rock herself to sleep, tears streaming down her pale face wondering what she had done. What did she do to cause all of this to happen? Was it all her fault? She knew that blaming it all on herself never solved anything, but it was the only explanation that she could come up with, the only one that she actually understood. Outside of this cage she had friends.
Tomoyo her beautiful cousan would tell her how she should leave, she didn't deserve such a absent boyfriend but she wouldn't have any of it. It didn't matter how much she tried, she couldn't stop loving him. First love, it was always the deepest and the hardest one to walk away from. Sakura believed that she could change him. She didn't want to leave him alone and she didn't want to be left alone. No matter how much punishment she recieved she wouldn't let go. He was her life line, he showed her what true love was when she was just a naiive teenager. And now, nineteen years it was her turn to repay the favour.
On nights like these she would normally call Tomoyo, sure Tomoyo would give Sakura a lecture on how she should really be treated but after that they would have a casual convosation like when they were young teenagers. Gossiping over cute boys, new clothes they had found and plan little get togethers with the rest of their friends. But they'd just had a fall out. And she didn't want to make the first move yet. She knew that Tomoyo was right, but her stubborn personality refused to let her accept the truth.
Sometimes she did feel like a caged animal, afraid to leave the apartment. Maybe it was guilt that kept her there, afraid that he'd come home and think that she was gone, forever. She would never be able to explain, not with his state of mind.
Tired lids covered once bright emerald orbs, but now they were just dull- lifeless the only light was the one that flickered off the candel. Flame, anger it powered the candel, allowed it to survive, but gradually the anger, the negativity melted the wax as the candel would slowly die, until it was just garbage, a leftover of what once was.
She couldn't remember when it all started. First Syaoran started coming home really late- compaired to his right on 9.00pm arrival time from work, he was staggering through the door at three or so in the morning. It went on like that for weeks, her first opion was that he was cheating on her and it pained her to think of that. When she finally confronted him about that he (obviously) denied, but still the evidence was there. She felt bad for not believeing him but her gut feeling was very strong and she knew from past experiences to follow her gut. One night she stayed awake long enough to meet him when he got home.
If he came home with the smell of sex surrounding him then she knew. And she would have full evidence to confront him about it and he wouldn't be able to make up an excuse. But when he stumbled through the door, his eyes blood-shot, clothes tangled it wasn't the smell of sex, it was the smell of alchole and smokes. He was dumbstruck when he saw her there, just watching him like he was some kind of stranger just entering the house. She could still remember it like it was yesterday.
It was the first time that she saw him cry. He just broke down. Stress from work, stress from the relationship, peer pressure, family issues. She stayed up for hours, comforting him like a mother would a new born. It tore her heart to shreads to see him like that, and know that there was nothing she could do. She was just as lost as he was, and it frightened her. She felt helpless. From there, it just escullated. Even on the week nights he would come home in such a state that he looked like the living dead. Sakura would cry with him, letting all of her built up emotions out in hopes of reaching him. He seemed so lost.
It was also why she didn't want to leave him. In a drunken state he could do anything from killing someone, to hurting himself and she knew that she would never be able to forgive herself if that happened. She never did share her fears with anyone else. Syaoran had made her promise not to tell anyone of his.. desease. The strong man that she knew when she was growing up was just burning down, sinking father than she could reach. She had asked him to stop, but nothing seemed to help, he just couldn't stop. And at times she felt useless, wondering if there was actually anything she could do.
Worrying about Syaoran was also damagin herself, she bairly ate, locked herself in the house and only went out when nessary. Syaoran made enough money with his own buisness of being a top lawer to support both of them but it was just wasn't right. She had asked Syaoran to go see a shrink and he had told her that he promised he would when the time was right. But when would the time be right? When he was lying on the pavement, inches away from death. No matter what she tried to do to help him he only pushed her away.
If only he could see what he was doing to her then maybe he would understand. One would curse at her, telling her to get help even without his consent, but she knew his stubborn personality and knew that he wouldn't have any of it. He never hurt her and when he was sober he was okay, but that was only for a short time but she cherished those times. Replayed them when the times got almost unbearable. One way that she knew that she could help him was to be there when he returned him. Her arms open, allowing her to comfort him, see him at his weakest.
He had shared his deepest fears and she saw the child behind the tough-guy look. She loved him for that, knowing that she knew the real Syaoran and that he allowed her to see himself without his walls around and she wasn't going to risk that trust they had.