Pathos

A/n: Taking a small break from burning in the ashes for a bit more….depressing note. I will update my next chapter on Burning in The Ashes soon. You'll just have to be patient.

Warning: This is not a happy fan fiction. It won't have any cuddly endings of any sort. These warnings include: One sided Yaoi (for a bit), Yaoi, Self mutilation, Suicide, Depression, Angst, Character killing, Rape, and many more. Don't like it. Too bad.

Summary: No one cares. It's up to you to make the decision to be happy. Don't look to other people for happiness. Instead do it yourself. Depend on no one but yourself. At least that's what he said to me.

Lets begin shall we?

Apathy- Freedom of emotion of any kind.

Apathy

Scribble, scribble. Tap, tap. Smudge.

A long wooden utensil marked pages of a 500 page notebook. The words had no meaning. In fact there were few words that made sense. The notebook had so much scrawled items on it, that mostly anything in that book was nothing but notes, and pictures of absolutely nothing of significance to the way the owner was feeling at the time. There was no fear in the writing, in fact the owner of the nicely dark red notebook was void of all emotion at all. The sounds of the room filled with nothing of importance, except that the owner was busying himself to pass time. After all, what is time but only a mark of daylight? So the sound continued on. Scratch. Scratch , Scratch. Scribble. Pause.

The owner of the notebook looked up. Azure eyes gazing up around the archaic flavored walls. He sighed once. Twice. Then held his breath. His right hand quivering from over stressing his body. Then again nothing seemed to change in this mood. The room didn't have a thick atmosphere of any kind. Almost, like no one lived in that room. But that's entirely wrong. That fact proven that someone lived in that particular room. They were in fact sitting on that bed.

The room itself was plain. There were no posters. No mess. All clean. Like someone didn't have anything better to do. And that's correct. This person had, exactly that. Nothing better to do. The floor seemed to at least change the cleanliness of the room, It was crimson. Very dark. His mother, decided that color. No one wanted to be exactly like everyone else. She had exclaimed several times to his father.

His parents. Them. Who just like everyone else had given up hope on the boy. They knew his smiles were fake. They never reached his eyes anymore. It was a façade. Almost like he was hiding the mourning, of someone. Indeed. Himself. What happened to that happy boy? His parents had over the past five years had questioned. Was there anything that they could do to change this behavior. Hell, in fact anything was better then the way he was acting now. Moping would be better then this. But; just like everyone that was close to him. They gave up on him. Just like most cancer patients had come to terms with their oncoming death, when the time came. There was nothing to save this boy from. So all they could do was wait.

The boy looked up placing his notebook off to the side on his bed. His eyes glued to the red burning numbers on the clock that read, 5:35AM. The words taunted him. Reminding him horridly, that he would never would get to sleep. Insomnia wasn't fun. Not to most of the suffering that were diagnosed this. It was always trouble to try and find ways to figure out how to occupy the time that-to him, was useless. There was no way to fill that endless void. He had given up video games, calling friends; if he hand any left, and just about everything else. So- He spent his time. Alone. Avoid of all contact of his world.

He got out of his bed; after a very long debate of whether or not he should start his day. He had decided this, and was sticking to it. Stretching slightly, in his catlike movement; eyes wandering his room again as he did so. He decided a shower.

Padding over to his dresser, he pulled his clothes out that he was going to wear for the day. It didn't matter what he wore. He just had to pretend. Just like most people didn't have to. He had to keep his façade. His eyes closed grabbing the towel that was folded neatly on his bed. He headed down towards the bathroom silently, getting himself free of his stoic self and place a mask in over the emptiness that was there.

Once he looked in the mirror of course. It was different. Unruly spiky hair was always the same dull brown. Always the same dull eyes. It always took a lot to fake emotions with his eyes. It wasn't even faking. It was pretending he had emotion. His once golden skin was now a pale. It almost fit. He looked unhealthy. Dark bags under his eyes. He couldn't handle himself so he looked away stripping. It revealed all the cuts and deep scars. This boy was just begging to feel. But he couldn't. So he hurt himself. He always hid himself under make-up. Just like every girl did.

The only difference was. He wasn't hiding his ugly face. He was hiding his weakness. That separation between him and humanity. He placed his make-up on the counter of the bathroom. Eyes closed suddenly. Too quickly for anyone if they were watching to notice. His lips moved quickly, his voice slowly raising higher and higher. Until coherent words were no longer. Today he set himself like he did everyday.

"Today you are Sora."

The phrase was being repeated over and over again until he set it in his head who he was suppose to be. Who people knew. After all no one knew who he really was. The Sora they knew was a happy adolescent boy, who fancied girls, enjoyed hanging out with friends, extremely smart, but very clumsy. What they didn't know-He was gay. Had a little infatuation for his best friend if you could call him that. His body allowed him to sleep and be how he wanted, avoidant of emotion. But in return. He had to make his body feel loved.

Drugs are a big part of feeling loved, cutting, and even being gay. Was how he paid his body back. He wasn't a victim of himself. Mercy no, he was a victim of the body that was no longer his. That was fact. Who was portrayed was false. Not even anything, soulless existence. He closed his eyes and if he was breathing, he opened his eyes and was finished with putting on some soft eyeliner. Lots of people couldn't see it, but it made him look more…lively.

His teeth clenched. His heart rose a bit as he grinned. Fake, fake…fake. It all seemed to scream. But that was okay. There was no happy ending for this, no, there wasn't. His body had been in an out of the shower before the eyeliner without him even knowing. He dried his hair easily placing a nice white shirt. Yes, white is good. And loose baggy pants hung on his hips his body not ready for the day. His lips turned into a frown. Of course he wasn't ready for the day, but it was better then normal. He picked up his contacts placing them in his eyes carefully.

He was done as soon as he had started. Heading downstairs he made a quick breakfast, and out the door had town toaster-strodels as well two peaces of toast, making a strodel sandwich. His lips curled slightly eating away at the sweet breaded treat. He had to look healthy compared to most of his friends. He would stop by his friends' Axel's. Axel knew, no one else did. But that was besides the point. Axel was his closest friend and kept his secrets easily.

Axel wasn't necessarily the best company, or even his best friend. That was Riku's job. His eyes searched silently over the quiet day. Autumn was around the corner. He could tell that the solemn trees on the block were dying, with their yellows and reds. Color seemed most fitting for the day. But it wasn't him. His eyes closed. Taking a deep breath when he heard footsteps. His mind screamed a few phrases but only a few. He wasn't ready for this and he needed space to keep himself locked within the emotions. What should I feel right now?

He guessed turning his head seeing the last person he wanted to see. Kairi. Indeed the woman paused at him her long hair straightened down to her butt. Her eyes holding his gaze, a purplish-blue unlike his own felt worry for her friend she walked up to him her voice high a chipper hiding the fact that she knew something was wrong with her friend. She couldn't hope to see the old Sora. That person was gone now. But she led everyone to believe that he was fine. Her bubbly voice broke the awkward silence between them.

"Hey Sora, you butthead. How come you don't wait for me or Riku anymore. We're always expecting you to show up late." Like you used to in the old days. It was left unspoken but both teens had read between the lines of the words reading; What's wrong with you?

The woman was only 5'4" but she pulled a very angelic appeal to most. If Sora was straight. He would've chased after her like most boys would. Normal boys at that. Her lips puckered easily together, with lip gloss lubing them up for easily movement of her lips. Her eyes shadowed in a dark violet, while her face, was hidden under the cover-up, and powder to hide her own ugly face.

She wore a soft blue sweater that was zipped up half-way. Her shirt underneath it was a soft pale pink, that matched dark blue skin tight jeans. On her shoulder held a purse, a little pink purse. Her other arm holding her books and notebooks for the day. Her eyes held worry. But she didn't lead on that she knew about Sora. She had all along. She knew he was lying, just like she was lying and all the answer she got was, not enough of an answer. What are you doing with your life Sora?

Sora turned to her grinning widely his eyes turning towards the way he was going. He was going to escape. Just like always. Just like he always did. He was going to Axel's and just what he said. Saying nothing, and everything all in one sentence. "To Axel's." Sora shifted his weight he would be on time with Kairi stopping him in the middle of the way to talk to him. It wasn't like he hated her. But then again. She was just someone to keep him from being a loner. He smiled widely. "What are you doing this early on a Friday morning? Waiting for the bus? Kairi, it's around 6:45. Why're you here so early?" He asked this twice to get the point across. I don't want you to see me like this. Please, Leave me alone..

She seemed to get the hint and smiled charmingly. "I'm here to go see my boyfriend. Riku. You remember that still don't you?"

Sora internally hissed. How could he not? She took Riku before he could. But could he blame her? Sora hid his faked pain and grinned. "Well enjoy that then, and be to class on time Kairi." She was a sister to him, if he ever had one. He shrugged slightly turning to walk away hearing a giggle he stopped mid step.

"Yeah, he'll drive me to school like always." Her face was probably cherry red. His hands tightened on his backpack strap. His eyes closed biting on his bottom lip. He heard her take a step forward, as rubber and cement collided. Making a soft sound but he could still hear it.

"That's good, make sure he takes care of you. If he doesn't I'll have to kick his ass." She snorted at that but knew what he meant. Be good to him Kai. Because I can't, not while I'm like this. She knew if he showed any interest in Riku like Kairi did, she'd be the one wishing that to him. But Riku's was hers now. She silently agreed. As he walked off away from her glad that he had gotten this talk with her. She was the few who lied to Sora. She knew he was gay. And she didn't want to hurt him like this. But she had to be happy too right?

"Take care, Sora." And She left him to his thoughts. She had better things to do, and Someone was waiting for her. If she didn't hurry she'd be late.

Sora treaded off his head hung low. It should hurt that Riku was with someone else, But he couldn't pull the rage, the remorse. He couldn't. Sora knew this, Kairi didn't. He continued his way to a lower parts of town. The part of down-town that'd he'd be living in within a couple of months, Graduation was getting here quickly. He couldn't say he didn't care. But he didn't. He would just move in with Axel, not even going to the ceremony. He'd just pick up his diploma later.

Tap, tap. Ding-dong.

The door opened revealing a spiky red-head with teardrop tattooed eyes. His emerald watched Sora closely. And grinned. "Roxas isn't here yet, so I guess we'll have to wait." He was wearing a tight black shirt with baggy black pants with chains attached. He wasn't wearing any shoes or socks for that matter. He was after all, knew what Sora was going through. He lost his entire family. Did I forget to mention Sora was adopted? He was.

Sora smiled inwardly. He stepped around Axel grabbing the best seat. The rocking-chair lazy boy. He looked up at Axel. "Any weed we can do?" Sora asked slightly. That was routine. Sora would ask the same thing. Axel would almost answer the same answer back.

"What's it to you?" His voice was normal. Almost like he'd been up all night just like Sora had.

Sora shrugged his eyes on the large glass piece in the middle of the coffee table. His lips pursed. "well, I got twenty-"

"Twenty, That's not gonna cut it." Axel half-grinned. Almost like a Cheshire cat would his eyes on the middle of the coffee table. "This stuff is pure thc. Think you could handle that?"

"Well it's something to do until it arrives."

"Very, well. What time are you going to school?"

"You kidding me? I told you I graduated early I just didn't tell my parents." Sora wasn't lying about that. He just went to school for the fun of it. Sitting in classes and learning-if you would call that learning, things he already knew and would pass easily even while messed up on the drugs. He didn't have to go. Simple as that. Even though. Early graduating for Sora, wasn't always fun. He passed with 4.0 woopdee-fucking-doo. He held out his hand placing a puppy dog pout. "Please Axel."

"Alright, fine. But cut the crap until after your high. I know you fake it."

"So does everyone else."

That's when the doorbell rang. The guest of honor had arrived.

Axel had fetched the door opening it easily to reveal almost two clones, just that one was older then the other. Ven, who was looking very sharp and sexy, was wearing a halter top that showed his pierced navel. His low riding pants left nothing to the imagination wearing checkered neon green and orange. His shoes were vans from he mall, He had to them dye neon green and orange-Since the malls never sold those colors on checkered vans. The kid was a freak for neon green and orange. It must've been the Extasy.

His twin on the other hand had been the opposite of his colorful brother. He was wearing a plane white wife beater with black jeans his checkered sweater hood was almost swallowing his shoulders whole. His pants black with checkered vans as well. Just plane black and white. As ordinary as his clothes were he was not ordinary. His tongue flickered out revealing a tongue ring that was metallic except for the white balls and the small black print that had Bite Me in the center in bold words. His ears had been industrialized with two huge bars the went from his cartilage to the middle of his ear. Eyebrow pierced and easily explained that Roxas was a professional at it. Even after graduating three years ahead of his time. He was the same age as Sora. Ven just four years older then the two.

They both had long spiky blond hair, Ven's a little lighter the his brothers. With almost the same eye color as Sora, One a darker shade of Azure, then other lighter. Ven's voice a little higher then Roxas'. "Axel…We got the stuff. " He winked at Sora grinning widely. "Hey Sor. What's up? Still a little apathetic I see. We can fix that." He smiled widely his opposite brother holding out a small plastic box.

"We're gonna metal you up, slick." He grinned slightly placing the box on the counter of Axel's three bedroom apartment. It was larger then most apartments. But Axel did have a really good job of setting up internet sites. Taking Sora under his wing to help him make the sites people requested.

Sora raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Is that so, love?" Sora seemed to laugh. Roxas and Ven seemed to always change Sora into the person they thought Sora was. At least. These few people knew from Axel who slipped out one night. These were his true friends. People who would share the bright side of life, and even the shitty part. "So when we getting fucked?"

Ven laughed at Sora's eagerness, tossing him a bottle of Vodka. "You like vodka right? Either that, or your sharing bitch beer with My little brother here." Sora agreed.

He twisted the cap off with a slight pop. Turning back to them and closed the bottle. "Weed first. Then the alcohol. What's up for today."

"Ever hear of Twisted Feast?"

--

Sora turned to the lights. This club was the shit. His eyes dilated a little bit more as The extasy took more affect. The Colors jumping at him. His body lunging out a laugh while he was sitting next to Axel, Roxas, and Ven. Turns out Terra-Ven's boyfriend had hookups to the club Nightcrawlers. It was awesome when you had hookups like this.

Sora's hand twisted around his shot of vodka taking down more and more. His eyes moving quickly to take in everything. He knew that he was overdoing it. He didn't care. For a few moments in his life he could Feel. His lips pulled back into a brightening smiled his other arm wrapped around Roxas' shoulders. Axel didn't care. Even if Roxas was his boyfriend. He knew Roxas was there to help Sora like they all were. After all, they had everything to gain and nothing to loose. Life was a risk and everyone had to take some once in while.

Terra pulled the microphone to his lips and spoke into it. Everyone knowing the magnificent Terra Olsen. "Ladies and Gentle Men, And you gay homo fags!" Ven cheered laughing along with Sora and the Rest of the club. It was easily to tell that Ven was a very likable guy. The world was fucked and no one knew better then these Five. Everyone could have a fun time here and forget their worries. Sora of course would sneak in tonight and fall asleep. That is unless him and Axel we're going to move his stuff in tonight.

Much didn't matter to Sora. He was taking in more alcohol then he was suppose to, He didn't have to answer to anyone. His 'parents' would be gone in a few days anyways. Sora believed every night that he wasn't going home. He couldn't sleep, drugs or no drugs. At least the weed and what not allowed him to at least rest. Sleeping wasn't anything For Sora. To him it was faking such a stupid pathetic act. To actually rest was to wear your body entirely out and down. But little did he know. He was going to be left in a result of something horrid in the future of his time. But that's fine we're getting ahead of the story.

Sora grabbed Roxas' hand and grinned to Axel. "Dude, I'll do a line. If you allow me to dance with your boyfriend." Sora was happy you could tell it hit his eyes and his body seemed to glow. It always dulled when the drugs wore off.

Axel shrugged his shoulders grinning a bit. "Alright, make it two lines, and you can dance all night with him, just no fucking you to." Axel wasn't out of it yet like Sora was but it was easy to tell all five of them were gone from reality.

Roxas smirked at Sora pulling him onto the dace floor grinding into him with the dance beat making both hot and actually feeling a heavy weight on them. His mind blurred as everything started to move quickly, way too fast for him to really hold onto. There was nothing to Hide here, and there was nothing to tell. Everyone was here to just have a good time. Even though it was during the day. There were lots of people fucked up around here.

Sora reached over to Roxas' ear. "lets go to that taco place."

Roxas paused. "Your not going to eat anything. I already know that Sora."

"I know, But I want a coke."

Roxas bit his bottom lip grinning. "Can I get one too?"

"If you'd like."

Sora and Roxas returned to the table. Sora bending over and sucking in one of his nostrils a soft white powder, both lines down quickly. Standing up he pushed his nostril in harder only to suck up more, wipe his nose with a powdery mucus from his nose and sucked on his finger. He wouldn't let any of it go to waist. His body already felt wonderful. He was starting to think that taco place was going to end up being wonderful. What he didn't account on was the whole fact that a certain blonde would be at the same place with Kairi at lunch.

Sora pulled on Axel's arm grabbing him up a shit eating grin on his face, as his eyes were entirely dilated. "Lets go to the taco place." Sora pouted and it worked. Axel was always the least fucked so he was more acceptable to drive compared to the other three who would've crashed into a tree or and light pole just for the hilarity of it.

"Alright lets go Sora."

They walked all hand in hand having sunglasses to cover their dilated eyes laughing at the fact that Roxas' was too big for him, which involved it sliding down his nose, and clashing on the cement every few minutes when they walked to the car.

They reached the 'Taco' place in record time. Walking inside Sora paused snickering. "Just A large Coke."

Axel took their orders down letting them follow them up to the counter of the cashier. She was wearing a hat. Her blond hair slightly falling out in messy bits. Her eyes a soft blue as her lips pulled together. "Hi, I'm Michelle, What can I get for you?" Her smile was too fake. Sora decided. Just like his. He didn't like people faking his smiles, especially when he was in a good mood.

"Why-Why are you fake smiling?" The girls lips fell. Her eyes curious to what Sora was implying to her. His eyes burned with hate. "Thatss Stupid. Your stupid…I'll have a large coke."

The girl paused her smile faltering again as she looked at them a smile graced her again as she spoke in a too sweet tone. "ummm…We don't have coke. We have Pepsi. Will that work?" She hesitated.

Sora growled lowly. "Fucking no Coke. What type of place is this?"

Roxas mumbled under his breath. "It's the Taco place."

Ven rubbed Roxas' Hair laughing slightly. "Sorry honey it's Taco bell." he spoke almost as slurred as Sora.

Imagine these boys leaning on the counter. Sora holding onto it even more then the rest to keep from falling. His other arm wrapped around Roxas' Shoulder as they all whispered to themselves giggling and laughing, would make anyone wonder. Exactly what these boys' were smoking. Apparently a lot of Snorting Coke, Weed and alcohol. Making then a little tipsy. But also know that these boys no matter how young weren't just 'Light' weights.

Riku had noticed all the hushing and giggling. His eyes watched silently. it can't be. Is that Sora? Why is he messing around with drug abusers and losers like them? What can Sora be thinking? Riku pulled Kairi's hand to his lips winking slightly as soft flesh grazed hers His eyes glimmering in love. "I'll be right back love. I think I see…Sora." He whispered silently.

Kairi knew her lips pursed. "Riku, Leave him alone. He's done graduating, the only reason he stays at school is to be with us. Because we begged him to stay in school with us. Don't. Leave him be Riku." Her eyes flew down. Hiding the shame in her eyes of knowing she knew, but did nothing to help Sora. She was helpless. Sora couldn't be helped. Just like Her sister Yuffie couldn't be helped when she committed suicide last year. "You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves."

Riku was flabbergasted. In such amazement. "Your not keeping Sora from me. You know that right?! You know the only reason I've been dating you.."

Kairi nodded her shoulders twitching. "Is because Sora's not interested in you. He is Riku. He wants you Riku. He does. But he won't steal you from me. He at least has that much going for him." She sighed standing up pulling his face in her hands her eyes closing. "Riku, There will be a chance for you to have Sora. But let him come to you. Please…" He lips touched his softly.

Contrary to the popular belief Riku wasn't gay. He was in love with his best friend. Something even more raw then being gay. But he was using Kairi. She was letting him. He kissed her back his hand wrapping around her waist holding her close. Only to catch a happy Sora and Roxas Bounding forward taking pictures. "Awe lookie!" Sora giggled.

Sora watched Riku curiously in his haze his eyes glittering in the light make Riku take a breath back. That is until, he grabbed Sora by the collar lifting him up off his feet making poor little Sora's eyes widen then squeal with Delight. He looked happy, usually he showed really nothing to this when Riku wanted to torment him with the fact that he hadn't been going to school. In fact, it seemed like Sora was always expecting him to punch Sora in the face.

Riku grimaced. "Why weren't you at school today, Sora?" His lips twitched angrily his eyes watching intently at Sora. "You know it's bad when you ditch school." It seemed suddenly Sora had snapped punching Riku in the face making the elder, for once, fall to the floor Sora sitting on top of him, in his lap his eyes glaring intently at him.

"I'll do what I fucking want to. You can't tell me what to do anymore Riku. We're not five!" Sora grabbed at Riku's collar and spit on him while a twisted Blond stood behind him.

"Don't let someone beat on you Sora. Show him how it's done." The blond sneered. Over towering the platinum blond. His fists clenched. His body stance showing how much pissed off he was as well. It was obvious, if Sora wasn't going to make sure Riku didn't forget his manners around Sora, he world.

"I know Roxas, Back the fuck off!" Sora turned to the blond named Roxas with a sneer. When Sora turned around it was the first time Riku noticed Sora's pupils were almost the size of a quarter no maybe smaller, but defiantly were in fact, over powering his irises. There were almost no more blue.

Riku looked down towards the floor staring at the glasses that had fallen off of Sora's face. So…that's why.. Riku didn't know how but something inside him just seemed to snap. The next thing he was aware of was a screaming Kairi and him punching Sora. In that moment of weakness, Sora had tossed Riku over on his back and hit him in the stomach. He sat up gruffly. Grabbing Roxas' hand and walked back over to a tall redhead, and blond hand in hand with the 'Roxas'.

Riku sat up gruffly being babied by Kairi He held her close closing his eyes. "He's changed." He felt Kairi nod in his chest as she helped him to his chair, no one seemed to have noticed, after all, this was the downtown, and everything compared to fights were a lot worse then they could be. His silver hair fell over into his eyes his lips drawn into a strained line of stress. I hope you know what you're getting into Sora. Be careful, and please, please; Don't fuck up.

"What an asshole!" Sora cracked his knuckles, his good buzz now gone his eyes wavered to Axel. He had been suddenly quiet. His hands filled with a plastic bag filled with food. Ven standing next to him his hands holding both Roxas' and Sora's Pepsis. He sighed gruffly. Axel seemed to be in a bad mood.

"That was him wasn't it?" Axel said gruffly giving Sora his Soda. His eyes closing lips twitching. "What an asshole. I should've decked him myself. " His eyes closed. That was the last Sora herd Axel spoke for the rest of the day. But it went all the same, even without Axel's witty comments, they all seemed to have a fun time together. It was the norm for all of them. Get messed up, Axel and Roxas slipping through Sora and Ven's watchful gaze, as drunken and messed up it was.

Ven left around One that next morning. It was early. Sora sat still slightly. He couldn't sleep, anymore then Axel could. His eyes wandered around the room slightly his breath at least not visible with the heat turned up. Everything was normal. There was no more feeling in Sora anymore then there was a rock. His eyes closed slightly. As tired as he looked, he could go forever until his body decided to make him pass out. Sora had a Secret, and he would be damned if he told anyone about it.

Two-thirty ran around slowly, This time came company. It was easy to know it was Axel. His eyes closed, in taking a sharp breath. Axel moved around the kitchen with a little kick in his step. Jumping about gaily as if he had no care in the world; Axel's pretend self, just like Sora's, only a tad bit happier. But-this wouldn't last long, His movements started to loose it's spring and happiness as soon as he sat down next to Sora, handing him a blueberry poptart.

His lips pursed lightly and his green emerald turned to a sour bitter green. He took a bite out of his poptart his eyes glazed slightly. It was like he never had Roxas, this was a side, not even Roxas had seen, only Sora. His body seemed more paler then normal. Axel placed an arm around Sora's shoulders and took a deep breath. "How's it going, Sor?" His voice was dropped low, almost monotone. He took another bite, not ready for the comment.

"The same as always, what does it matter to you?" Sora's eyes went to the television watching the blank screen. His eyes seeming to loose the Azure side of life, the gayness that Axel had earlier with a spring in his step. It was lost. "It's always the same Axel, and you know this. There is no void for emotion, there just is. And when you don't have that anymore. What else is left for humanity?"

"Primitive instincts, Sora. There will always be instincts to guide you, when you don't feel anything. Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was a little gruff his eyes on Sora. His free hand fisting on his lap. His voice soft almost angelic. "I know you better then you best friend does, Don't I?" His voice was full of sureness of himself.

"You do. I don't think, he's my best friend anymore." Sora bent his head down lips in full pout, despite his feelings.

"I thought you didn't feel anything anymore Sora, that you were just showing disappointment." Axel seemed to point out the obvious but, as like always Sora sighed once again showing his true colors.

"I want to feel disappointed. Anything is better then this. Anything. Anything but this. I just feel like words, just an object which spews them out at will, like nothing else matters anymore. Not Riku, Kairi, You, or anyone else. For fucks sake I don't even feel like I belong to my parents anymore." Sora looked down his eyes cold, the room reflecting in his eyes just before they closed without a sound. "it's just, I get close. God knows I get close. To feeling something, anything. And just before it happens It's gone. Can't you understand? Shouldn't you understand?" Sora opened his eyes and placed their attention on Axel's grim face.

"I do better then you think. It's because you've been to foster family over and over again, just like I have. We have nothing. Those cock suckers who think that we are their children, by document; doesn't prove a damn fucking thing. It's helpless and nothing seems to be alright. I can understand better then you. Your best friend up and left you for some pretty girl, either because he's straight, he's in the closet, or, he's afraid of you Sora. Personally I believe with my observations, He's afraid of you."

Sora sat up straighter. "You don't think I know that? That everyday I wonder what it'd be like if I was like my old self around him. He's dead. The old Sora died, after my parents forgot who I was and allowed that fucking asshole into my house!" Sora's hands seemed to tighten into tight fists making his knuckles crack.

"Xenhart right?" Axel's voice seemed to waver. "Hey at least your showing anger!" He grinned. But knowing all to well, that this wasn't Anger. This was just what he was taught. He knew better then this. Axel bit his bottom lip once Sora seemed to fall into a soft silent unbroken air of silence. His hands relaxing.

His voice was low as he stared into Axel's eyes his eyes closing almost like he could retrieve emotions from his past memories, but it was hazy with the drugs and alcohol that made him forget. "If only it was that simple, I would tell Riku everything in my heart. But, I can't recall what it's like to touch him gently. To hold him close, and almost like everything else. What it would be like to hang out with him again. But there is nothing, I'm just a shell for which I use numbly. I am a slave to this godforsaken body of mine. It's almost it's on autopilot, like someone with comatose."

Axel sighed getting off of the couch. He was right. There was nothing more then the fakeness of society that makes them use emotions. The smarter ones, of course were avoid of all emotions entirely, wondering exactly what emotions were like. There were few people with emotions to themselves that didn't care. Ven, and Roxas were only a few, a rarity among their kind. Everyone else, well, They just used material things to keep them feeling emotions. Then, there were people like Sora who, wanted nothing, and everything to do with these emotions, and then there are people like him, Who wanted nothing to do with emotion. It was a deep topic, but that was a shallow as he could get it. People who wanted it, people who hated it, and then people who had none and wanted.

He sighed. "I'm going to go lay with Roxas, there is weed in the cupboard, help yourself to it." With that he left Sora to his thoughts, as he went to lay besides Roxas who kept the bed warm pulling the cute blond closer to him feeling the heat seep into his body. He hid his face in Roxas' neck and thought about all that happened.

There's nothing in this world to help Sora. The kid's been to most therapists then most have ever seen, and it seemed to just shut his emotions away. They're in there, Sora will have to dig for 'em but they're in there. He just needs to dig hard enough, and eventually he'll get what he wants within due time. Good luck Sora, I can only help you so far, whether for good or bad, you decide.

The thoughts seemed to calm down as Axel watched his lover sleep. It would be awhile for those sleeping inducing pills to work, and hopefully he's be well rested by the morning. It was going to be hell.

That next morning Sora had decided to go to school. Wearing some of Roxas' clothes. There was nothing to do there, But he had to apologize to Riku for decking his in the face, if he let him apologize, he highly doubted Riku would but it was a shot at a million, and he was going to take that million.

His steps seemed to be softer then they were yesterday. He didn't bring a backpack but he had brought a few pencils and a couple of notepads. His eyes closed slightly. The cars heading towards the school seemed to wiz by him without a second thought, but that was fine. That's exactly what he had wanted. No one to notice him. He was smart. He used to be popular with everyone when he was little but everything seemed to switch around. It was always like that before you went to high school and/or finished it. But he knew exactly how school would be when he entered it.

He watched the houses he past by and wondered what his life would be if he lived somewhere else, was someone different. Would he be shallow as well? He didn't want that answered right away. After all, School was getting closer and he didn't want to brood on the what ifs and the possibilities his life could have been. Should have been. He closed his eyes as the gates of the school came into view. He really didn't want to face what was in there, but he would deal with these problem while he was sober and not fucked up on drugs. This was the only thing he could give Riku, at least before he told Riku he wasn't coming back anymore. His heart hammered. Maybe I should've taken a hit of that weed last night, just to chill me out. But it was too late for that now.

Waiting for him outside the gates, leaning on them in a pissed off mood was his silver haired friend. Gods, not now, I wanted prep time. His eyes had held those darkening hate. His face was bruised, and patched up. Sora knew that Riku's hair hid the hickeys from Kairi. His hands gripped his notebooks harder. Hearing his heart snapped. Yes, that was why he had destroyed all his emotions. It was because of him. His best friend. His eyes locked on Riku as he watched Riku slightly his lips rolled together tightly his heart thrumming remembering four years ago. Why did it still hurt so much if it was something that happened Four years ago? He should be over it. But he wasn't. And he didn't know why. He could remember it very well. It was the last straw on his humanity.

His eyes were glowing happily. His face held a certain glow of angelic gods, His god. His strong arms seemed to hold himself. His white teeth glittering in the sun seemed to make his day. What had made Riku So happy that he was acting like a little girl with a crush….Crush? Wait…Who? Sora couldn't help but asked himself this his eyes watching Riku intently. His own crush standing a few feet away from him. His eyes wandering to check out his body. But it was very discreet. He finally had to ask. "What's up Riku? Why so happy?"

Riku smiled widely his eyes and body radiating. It was almost torture to wait for the answer but Sora had time. He had all the time in the world for Riku-his secret crush. "Kairi and I are finally going out! Isn't it great Sora?! Sora? Sor? What's wrong? Are you butt hurt? You made that me and Kairi are finally Dating? Sora? Sora!" Riku's glow had dropped as he chased after Sora.

Sora's mind seemed to die even more and more. It wasn't fair. He kept telling himself. It wasn't fair. But it was easy to understand. Kairi is a girl. He would be a lot more happier then he would be with me. At least that's what he kept trying to tell himself. He was trying to run away. Riku had chose someone else. And it was quiet funny too. Kairi had known and yet she still went for it. He hadn't blamed her but it was easier for him to hate her then anything else. His eyes closed. Tears rolled down his face. I hate myself.

Sora had laid in bed that entire day after he lost Riku, He had told his mother that they got into a fight and wanted nothing to do with Riku for the time being. It was easy to get his parents to understand. And in the quiet room that had soft white walls and Crimson floor. That's when he saw it. It was a hunting knife, that Roxas had given him, if even he needed to protect himself. Sora realized now, how he could protect himself. He could make himself forget. Forget everything…everything, anything, at least something.

The blade had ran across softly once, making Sora wonder exactly how sharp this object was. He wanted to forget any emotions, how he would regret it later. He had sliced through the skin into the flesh and to tear the emotions. Sora had little skill with this, and once he had sliced a little too deep he winced, hissing and cussing about. Trying to find anything to stop the bleeding. And when he stopped the bleeding, he stopped the tears, he stopped the pain, he stopped the emotions, and he stopped being Sora.

Sora pulled out of his memories and paused right in front of Riku. "I'm Sorry." He spoke almost like he didn't mean it. How could he? When he didn't know the meaning of sorry anymore. He had watched Riku intently. The male obviously was pissed at him. He obviously didn't want to talk to him. But at least Sora had came out and told him that. It would've been easier to tell Riku to Fuck off. But Riku was a good friend, when he wanted to be.

Riku had sat there watching Sora. So he's not on the Drugs today. Riku stood up straight to show he was better then Sora his lips curling into a grimace. He didn't say, apology accepted, and he defiantly didn't act like his old self and tell him, don't worry about it, it's just spilt milk right? Instead Riku hit for below the belt. "Not on the Drugs today. That's weird you seemed to like them better then hanging out with your friends."

Sora sat there a little surprised if he could feel surprised, so he faked it "Wh-what?" He understood everything in that sentence that Riku had Spoken. Got new friends now Sora? Are they better then us? Why'd you leave us you stupid brat? Why? Why? WHY?! Sora had ignored it and tried to answer, Riku had cut him off before he could speak.

Riku's eyes narrowed into a dark ocean green. "You heard me." His lips pushed into a sneer. Yes, Riku was jealous. It's funny what those emotions could do to a person. Riku had it all, the girlfriend, the grades, the car, parents, friends, and for some reason he gets jealous when he can't have Sora. Funny isn't it? His fists tightened. A dark aura of anger and hatred seemed to seep from his skin. But still Sora pressed his buttons.

"Well it's better then trying to fuck someone so many times. Gee Riku, are you a pimp now too?" What turned into an apology turned for the worse as Riku picked Sora up and punched him. Sora had flown to the ground only to get back up to wipe the blood off his face. "I hate to say it Riku. But I couldn't feel that. Could you try again?"

What's with this kid?! Riku's mind seemed to scream out at him. "What are you implying Sora?" His teeth gritted together an obvious dark male ego seemed to scream-You ARE mine and you will be MY friend. You will stop doing drugs and hang out with ME not THEM. Riku's muscles had tightened up and what caught him off guard was the way Sora had laughed. It was almost a creepy laugh, that said he had nothing to loose.

"My, my. Riku, you've gotten stronger. But I can't feel a cent of it. After all it is you who made me this way. I tried to lie to everyone that I was okay, But I guess after awhile a charade doesn't go on forever, secrets get told, rumored and even destroyed, to create new ones. But what exactly will you do with this new information."

Riku was in shock he choked. "You lie."

"But do I Riku? Do I really." And that's when Sora lit up a cigarette his eyes watching Riku intently. "What would you like me to tell you? That I'm still that same old Sora ten years ago, How about four? You stripped me of humanity Riku." Sora leaned against the gate next to Riku a quoi smile on his face. "When? I don't know. How? I could tell you. But then I'd have to kill you." Sora winked. But as he put his cigarette out Riku had growled at Sora. "I hang out with who I want. You can't stop me. Personally, you've lost the title best friend. But that's up to you. Quit Bullshitting me, and I'll quit bullshitting you."

"You've never talked like this before Sora…Why?" Sora had ignored him Shrugged his shoulder and lit another cancer stick. It was off limits and against the rules, but Sora didn't belong to this school. He still had to follow the rules and had to do so until he got his diploma but all was fix able.

"Have fun with Kairi." With that he flicked his cigarette and walked away again. Turning his back against Riku. Like he had so many times before. But this time, he was telling Riku everything. Before he said goodbye. "You never knew I was in love with you Did you? Too bad now, I don't think you care." He walked away from Riku his back telling Riku Goodbye.

It was weird for Riku. First moment, he was pissed, then next sad, angry. And right when Sora left, and told him what he meant to say. Riku felt retarded. Sora had said that to Riku and he had meant it, only a tiny bit of emotion in those words. He couldn't help it when he crumbled on his knees only to watch Sora's posture tell him exactly what those words had meant. Goodbye Riku.

Riku had remained there in his crumbled form for his girlfriend to find him entirely destroyed just like he had left Sora destroyed for Kairi. His mind seemed to shut down. He was your best friend since you were babies! What the hell does he have that could possibly break us up?! Exactly what? Maybe it was you Riku? Me? Yes, you. After all, did you not ruin this with your selfishness? No, no, NO! Yes, it's true, he loved you and you spent that Throwing it in his face. Reason one, why he doesn't care for you anymore. But I-Think about it…I'll leave you to your thoughts. What…you are my thoughts-

Kairi had broken his thinking with a soft hand on his shoulder handing him a mocha latte. Her soft lips were cherry red today due to the lip gloss and her eyes were still eye shadowed in purple, he favorite color. Her hand brushed smoothly on his shoulder relaxing the tense muscles as the school bell Rang. "Riku? Baby? The Bell just rung, are you going to class?"

Riku shook his head no. He turned to her pulled her in her lap, placing aside the caffeine drink. Pulled her close to him breathing in her scent his body suddenly wanted her, from this horrid rejection that he had gotten from Sora pulled her close smelling her sweet perfume, which seemed to be cherry blossoms today. His lips found her neck, ignoring the people walking around them watching them on the little patch of grass by the gate as he whispered hotly into her ear. "I don't think I can concentrate, I think I might ditch for a bit. Do you want to join me?" He half grinned like a Cheshire cat.

Her soft blue eyes closed, feeling Goosebumps form all over her body. Her breath hitching in the right places as she leaded back into him, giggling letting him know he had won and whispered Softly to him. "Where shall we go?"

He grinned. "My house, we'll take my car." He loved it when he won. He would forget Sora for the time being. But he will get Sora back. If that was the last thing he did.

Meanwhile…

Clomp, clomp, clat, clat, clomp.

Sora finally had done it. Told Riku how he had felt but it had taken him four years. It was hard enough to point fingers. But Sora had taken it upon himself to ruin this friendship. It wasn't going anywhere and he could finally breathe. First thing, first though, He was going to have Roxas pierce his body up, to prove he could take everything away from his lifestyle and start anew, without a selfish jackass always telling him yes and no. The bastard could Rot for all he cared.

Upon, reaching Axel's and his new home, He unlocked the door closing it shut behind him and walked towards the table where the piercing needles, and hoops laid out clean and sanitized. Ready for Sora when he returned. Inspecting the items he found a note next to the objects that the obviously meant for him.

Picking up the soft object he read it aloud to himself, as if anyone else wanted to read it.

Sora,

Hey buddy, Hopefully that thing with Riku went well. With whatever you decided to do with that Relationship. Roxas and I went to pick up Ven and a few of his friends. We'll be back with the good stuff so we can party tonight. And by the way. Your parents called looking for you. Apparently, you've been missing for three days and it's got them worried. Call them and tell them that you'll be staying here for the remainder of the year and that we're a type of tutoring sorts for you. We can't tell them the truth but hey, alls goes well it ends well.

Got it Memorized,

Axel

Sora snickered. At least Axel was enough to set things back on course. His eyes wandered over the metallic objects against and Smirked a little. Tonight he would be an entirely different Sora. And he would leave everything behind him that he once thought was his, He would start differently anew, and these piercing represented that. He looked around the room and wandered towards the kitchen. Finding the cordless phone he picked it off the charger and held his breath for a second. Well he guessed. First things First, he had to call his parents. He dialed the number waiting for it to pick up a dial tone, redialed. Then all he had to do was wait. Ring, Ring, Ring. Brrring. In the silence, Sora held his breath until he heard a hushed female voice. "Hello?"

When Sora hung up his eyes wandered over to the hallway of his new home. He treaded down to the bathroom starting the shower, waited for the hot water to flow, and then hopped in after removing all of his clothing. He hadn't cut himself for a few days, but. He was guaranteeing it that today he would do it again. Until Axel got home.

He picked up the sharp, hunting knife that seemed to call to him to cut his body, sacrifice his blood, and everything would be better. As Sora pressed the blade to his skin he held his breath remembering the phone call with his foster mother and Foster father. Now, more then, then did he was to carve up his body. He just wanted to wretch it into his navel cutting it open only to have the intestines fall out. As he remember the phone call, recalling what was said.

Sora shifted from one foot to the other as his mother answered the phone in a soft intimidating voice of "hello?" After the second time she spoke hello he brought up his courage of what he could and answered her back

"Hey, mom."

"Sora is that you?" No, not anymore mom. He took a sigh and answered her again.

"Yeah, it is." Her voice sounded happy, yet strained at the same time.

"Sora, where'd you go? The school says you haven't been in school and that you don't need to go to school. Did you get kicked out sweetie?" Oh the joys of being able to feel guilt, the joys of feeling repulsion. Sora felt none of it as he answered easily like most of them.

"No mom, I graduated early. I just kept going to school because Ri-Ri-Kairi kept bugging me to." He had caught himself saying Riku. Riku didn't matter anymore. They weren't friends. For all he knew his only old friend was Kairi, and that's all he needed from his old life.

"oh, Well Why didn't you tell us, we would've underst-"

"Don't say you understand, Dad would've made me get a job when I want to go to college, he would've made me pay for it myself."

"So you moved out?! Sora, what's happened to you? You used to be a sweet boy."

Sora clenched his teeth slightly, an old habit he had when his Foster parents would harp on him. "I have changed. It's for the better. By the way. I'm moving out. I'm living with Axel."

"That friend you met from the party? Honey I don't think…"

"Good then, Don't think. I'll do it myself."

"Honey-"

"No. Bye mom." He had hung up on her before she could even get another word in to make him change his mind. Which wouldn't have happened. Sora liked this life he had now a little too much. He stared at the phone slightly, as if wondering did he call. But that's when the phone rang again proving that it wasn't just a daydream. It was real fact and his dad was calling him right back. So, he pulled out the phone cord. Don't try to change my mind, your better off leaving me alone.

So back to where we left off. Sora sighed pulling the blade to him dragging it across him body. Making a sharp tingling sensation fill his body making his mind blank, and unruly, that made it run rampant. It was easy to get carried away.

He traced scar after scar making him grin with a slight satisfaction. Who would want someone who hurt them selves and possibly hurt them in return. This is what Sora aimed for. His eyes turned a dark color when he was concentrating, his tongue darted out and he ran it up his thigh making a river run down with the shower water, into the drain.

He hissed in pleasure. He could feel now. If only for a little while. His lips opened slightly as he gasped in pleasure making him twitch in the only sensation that he hadn't felt in a long time, while off drugs. This was a feeling he could have while being sober. And He loved it. He honestly could say that this was the best thing to hold on to if anything.

His head arched hitting the tile his naked flesh heating up by the beads. He could feel like a normal person. Like he used to. His chest rose and dropped. His face flustering for the first time in years. All emotion ran through him his body filling up, being drunk off of the emotions he received that were locked away, and only released from the cutting, and drugs.

His breath hitched and he crumbled down on the floor crying. He had lost his best friend. And His best friend left him for Kairi. It was everything he hated to admit. He Didn't want anything to push him too far. But it was too late. His emotions were out. He choked back a sob tears mingling with the shower water and blood. His lips trembling. His body shaking from choked sobs. He had lost, he had lost anything but this.

Sora laid on the floor tile of the shower not aware of anything anymore but his body feeling warm and yet cold from the tile, the pain. The pain of the knife that ran through his body. It was intense and he knew he would only close up again like the wound once it stopped hurting, and making him feel like a human being.

To be honest, that's all he was, Human for a short time. Before everything was bottled up forever in his mind. Never to be released except when drawn from this hunters knife. No other knife seemed to work. He had tried. There was something special about this knife. He thought a couple of time that Roxas had used it. But only Axel or Roxas would know that.

Axel. Axel. His eyes closed as he smiled whispering that name. He had helped him more then anyone in the world had. His life was complete with Axel, He didn't need to date him to feel complete. Axel was the perfect friend. He would listen. And He always knew what you were going through. And most of the time, he was always correct. Axel was a good friend. A very good friend indeed. His eyes slipped shut as he turned off the water only to grab a black towel that hid his blood. Dried up and dressed. At least he would be in a better mood when everyone got here.

And when everyone did. Sora acted exactly like Riku had never existed. He smiled truly, because as much as he was living it up. He emotions would be locked away by tomorrow, or the next day. So He lived it up like there was no tomorrow, and he was half-correct. There was no tomorrow for Sora. There was just a here and now.

He had pressed up against another male. His body now fully pierced and sore. But he had been enjoying every minute of it. He watched the other couples as he sipped on his Black Cherry Vodka. His eyes wandering to everyone else grinning. Only wishing if someone else might help him. His eyes closing.

Cloud and Leon were living it up at the dance floor at the club they were at now. Their bodies holding close. Hips pressing closer to each other his hands tightening as his emotions flooded. Reminding him of what he lost. He adverted his gaze only to see another couple. More, more couples. Until his eyes landed on a Soft blond haired girl looking very shy her eyes met his. Her lips moved into a half smile as she came walking up to him.

She was wearing delicate clothes, that showed enough but not enough for boys. Her eyes glittered when the light hit it perfectly. He held his breath. He was gay. But he still could admit when someone was looking good. She was wearing a techno style of clothing lots of bright yellows and blue. She reminded him a lot of him his eyes wandered to her as she came and sat down next to him making him a little edgy his eyes watching her intently. What did she want from him?

She giggled sitting next to him her hair up in pony tails and braids in a wild perfect crescendo. His eyes wandered all over her until she spoke up in a soft sweet voice. "Like what you see?"

Her voice seemed to send shivers down his spine until he found the right words. "I do. But, sorry sweetheart. I'm gay."

She laughed slightly her hair glowing in the blue aquatic light that suddenly hit her. "Well who isn't in this bar, lots of good looking people, But it doesn't mean I can't be eye candy."

He laughed along with her his hands sweating. He didn't know why. But meeting her felt like absolute fate. he grinned. "Too True, so what makes you a clubber at this lovely Club."

"Well…" She started off a little embarrassed. She reminded him a lot of the old him. And for some reason he was missing that more and more he looked at her. "I like to dance, plus my friend is the sister to Terra the Dj."

Sora grinned slightly. "is that so?"

She nodded. "Yep, Want to dance? Don't worry it doesn't have to mean anything." And with that Sora grinned grabbing her hand and led her to the dance floor.

Sora's Body ground into hers his hands gripping her waist as she danced with him. At least I can do this… Sora grinned actually feeling happy, she gave off a good vibe to him. His eyes watched her intently as her little figure danced, twirled and got low to the beat. His eyes filled with happiness.

Axel stopped dancing pulling Roxas to the bar only to stop mid footstep at watching Sora with a little Blondie that seemed to make him look almost childlike to her. He grinned watching them have the times of their lives he put a hand on Roxas' shoulder getting a really quick 'what?' from his lover only to point at Sora and the blond.

"Finally." Roxas said in a soft voice making Axel grin stupidly.

"Ain't it though?" Axel spoke just a softly pulling his lover to the bar grinning. Tonight was a night of celebration. Sora was finally realizing what partying really meant.

Sora had so many round of dancing he was breathing and sweating hard now sitting at the bar with a now named 'Namine' . And boy was she a lot to handle. Her little quirks reminded him of what he had left for the price of no feelings, and he knew what it now meant to be happy even though they would stay on enough terms to keep away from the boyfriend, girlfriend, lovers thing. Because unlike Riku he was willing to have fun with girls, and not use them for his own pleasure. He smiled at her. He could surely get used to her.

"So what'll it be Nam?" Sora hard already given her a nickname and she didn't seem to have a problem with that. She Laughed slightly pulling him into a hug and smirked slightly.

"Anything you want honey." Sora was taken back by that comment only to look shocked at her. Was she an angel or something? He couldn't make up his mind whether she was or not.

She snorted. Laughing hysterically. "Kidding Sor, kidding!" She threw her hands up then quickly used them to pick up her shot. Her eyes glowing even more as she gulped it down and slammed it. Making a clashing sound of glass and wood mixing together.

And then it was on. The shot contest was now on. "Oh you think you can do shots can you?" Sora smirked slightly. His face showing a competition that he had only with Riku. And with that Riku had entirely left his thoughts, mind, he didn't even know a Riku Mitamono existed. His eyes closing slightly.

"Yeah, I can. Want to bet."

"Oh yeah, it's on."

The next thing anyone knew there were shots covering the entire counter. Sora staring Namine in the face smirking, as she smirked back. Oh yeah, it's on. They listened to Axel explain the rules and what the looser had to do, the entire time everyone was laughing at the little comments that Sora would say.

Then Axel said the special word Go. And then it was on, Oh yeah it was on. Namine was going to loose, He would make sure of it….

To Be continued………

A/N: Hello all, your Favorite Author here! I'd just like to say. I'm Not abandoning Burning in the Ashes like most of you might think with a new fan fiction coming out. In fact this one is a bit more realistic in certain forms in more then one. I'm just taking a little break from it, after all I finally have a betaish thing, and each chapter needs to be rewritten and less jumpy. So give a thanks to .Schizophrenic.Artlessness.13. If you would D. So anyways. This is a little more complex of a story then Burning in the Ashes. Both me and Schizo have lots of time on our hands even though I have school rofl. Anyways this is a Riku/Sora fan fiction, but it has to build up to it. SO please be patient with me like I've asked on my other fan fiction. By the way this took me three entire weeks to write so you'll have to be paitent for more chapters….

So Reasons why you should Review-

-You should review if you hated it. And Tell my why you hated it.

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Thanks for reading Pathos,

Faux Kae