The Sacrificial Chicken
By Rhiana Larsen
Summary: Boromir, Legolas, and the hobbits devise a way to get Galadriel to fall in love with Gimli. Warning: This story is completely random...AND it's AU. Modern times and all. So, my bad.
A/N: More random inspiration. I can't help it! When it comes to you, go with it! Lol.
MOVING ALONG...
"The Sacrificial Chicken"
"Boromir?" Merry asked, settling down beside the fire and the tall man. "Are we sure that Gimli is going to stay in that room?"
"Positive," Boromir smirked. "Legolas promised him a picture of Galadriel if he stayed there for three hours."
"What kind of picture?" Pippin piped up, chewing on a bacon cheeseburger.
"A very naughty one."
Pippin's jaw dropped. "Oh."
"Okay, okay, I've got everything," Legolas said, trotting up to them. He sat down cross-legged before the fire and produced a paper sack.
"Great!" Boromir said, looking evil. "Let's begin, then."
"This will be fun," Frodo said. "Poor Gimli! Without us, he wouldn't have a chance with Galadriel!"
"Yeah, she is kind of a snow queen, eh?" Pippin snickered, and finished off his burger. Sam sat nearby, silent and disapproving. His feelings were clear on the subject: they shouldn't be doing anything to 'interrupt the natural flow of things,' to which Merry answered by telling Sam to get stuffed.
And so here they were, sitting around a campfire, about to perform a spell that would make Galadriel and Gimli fall in love. Good Lord, what next?
"Right," Boromir said. "Do you have the blood of a newly slaughtered lamb?"
Legolas looked sheepish. "Well, um...see, I kind of got sidetracked. See, Aragorn and Arwen were meeting in the woods, and they were REALLY glad to see each other. REALLY glad. And I just happened to be passing by, so--" They were all looking at him like he was gross. "Anyway, the butcher was closed, so I went to the store..."
"What did you get instead?!" Merry demanded. He was very serious about this spell working.
"Stage blood," Legolas said, producing a small cardboard and paper package. Inside was a small vial of red substance.
Boromir huffed. "Right, throw it on, then."
Legolas ripped open the packaging and opened the vial, dumping the red liquid onto the flames. They sputtered and hissed, then flared even higher than before.
Frodo gulped. "Flammable?" he managed, looking a little afraid.
"Who knows. Anyways, let's get on with it." Boromir looked down at the list in his hands. "Do we have the sacrificial chicken?"
Again, Legolas blushed. "Well..."
"What THIS time?"
"I couldn't find any LIVE chickens, so while I was at the store..." He produced a yellow plastic-wrapped Styrofoam package. "I bought this."
"BREASTS AND THIGHS!?" Merry yelled, jumping up. "How in the bloody hell is this supposed to work with...with...BONELESS BREASTS AND THIGHS!?"
"Calm down, Merry!" Pippin said, looking interested. "If it doesn't work we'll all have fried chicken!"
"Oh. Right, then," his cousin said, plopping back down on the grass beside Boromir.
Legolas took the chicken out of its styrofoam package and set it gingerly on the logs of the fire. After a few seconds it began to hiss and spit, and again the flames leapt high.
The rest of the ingredients went in just fine, although Eye of Newt took a bit of doing to find. In any case, they came without blunder to the final addition.
Gravely, Boromir looked up from his list. "Did you manage to acquire that which is most needed?" Pippin made a screwed up face at Boromir's mock- seriousness, for which Merry promptly cuffed him on the head. He was, again, very serious about making this work.
"I got it," Legolas said eagerly, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out two separate small baggies. One contained three long strands of golden hair, the other a long bit of Gimli's red, bushy hair. "It was easy enough to get Gimli's. I just snuck up while he wasn't looking and chopped it off. Told him there was a bug in it. Anyway, I don't think he believe me. He just stood there, giving me that suspicious look. Finally, I backed away very slowly, and ran."
"But how did you get Galadriel's hair?" Pippin cried. "She'd have known, surely, that some game was up!"
Legolas smiled, nodding. "Yes, that is certainly true, Pippin. But I did not take this hair from Galadriel."
"But for the spell to work--!" Merry started, but Legolas shushed him. "I got it from Gimli."
Boromir's mouth dropped. "You stole the gift of Galadriel?!"
"No, Boromir, I did not steal it. I borrowed it, with his knowledge. I told him I was going to have it bronzed and set in stone."
"And he believed you?!" Frodo shrieked.
"He certainly did," Legolas said smugly. "I am, after all, a very convincing actor."
Boromir huffed. "Alright, alright, now you have to...twist the strands together and throw them on the fire!"
Quickly Legolas did this, but as he prepared to let them fall Merry cried out. "Wait! Has anyone else thought about the fact that Celeborn will seriously come and kick some Hobbit, Man, and Elf ASS if we do this and it works?!"
All were too stunned at first to formulate a reply. Never in their presence had the young hobbit used such words, so apparently he was quite distraught.
"He won't find out," Boromir said gravely. "We won't tell him we did this. Not one of us," he said, looking at each of them in turn with a critical eye. Everyone got the picture.
"Right," he continued, as Legolas tossed the locks of hair on the fire. "Now we have to recite what we want them to say to each other. Legolas, you'll be Galadriel, and I'll be Gimli."
"Why do I have to be the She-elf?" Legolas demanded, standing up. Boromir sighed, put the list down, and stood up as well. All around them the night crackled and birds called.
"It's your birth-rite. Now come on. I'm Gimli, got it?" he said to the fire. "And he's Galadriel. Right?" The fire gleamed brighter, then was dim again.
"Whoa," Frodo said, scooting back a bit from the flames, followed closely by Merry and Pippin.
"Okay, here we go." Boromir cleared his throat. "Galadriel, oh beautiful Lady of Light, who is far more beautiful than all the Glittering Caves of Aglarond, will you..." He struggled for words to say. "Will you be my love? My one true reason for breathing, will you forsake your Lord and come to me? I would give you all that you asked for if you would but breathe the words." So saying, and blushing ferociously at such a feminine display, Boromir stood back and waited for Legolas- Galadriel's- answer.
"Oh, dearest Gimli son of Gloin, I would! Alas for Celeborn, for I would follow you over the earth, to wherever you will! I will love you only, Gimli son of Gloin, for all eternity until the End of Days."
Finished, Legolas shook his head, and jumped when suddenly the flames grew ever brighter, and climbed tall in the sky. The hobbits jumped back, and Legolas and Boromir stepped a bit closer to them. But it was over as quickly as it began. The flames died and were calm again.
"Well, that's it then," Merry said, putting his hands in his pockets. "All we do now is wait."
"But first, let's get back to them." Legolas checked in his bag for a printed photo of a woman, Galadriel, who was portrayed as a scantily clad mermaid, long flowing locks and all. "Oh, the wonders of modern technology," he snickered to himself, knowing he'd have hell to pay to Haldir for making him do that. Not that the March Guard hadn't enjoyed making the photo, he added silently, laughing.
"Can we see the picture, Legolas?" Pippin asked, eager to see how 'naughty' it was. "No, my friends. Twould shame a Lady so great, and it is only for Gimli's eyes." And Haldir's, he added. And mine. A mischievous glint came into his bright blue eyes, and he laughed. "Come, let us go!"
They sped off in Boromir's deep maroon Forerunner, buckling their seatbelts tightly, as he was one to drive in great spurts of rage at the 'crazy maniacs' on the road. The short drive was quite a terrifying experience for all concerned, and they fair leaped out of the vehicle when it pulled to a halt outside Legolas' residence.
"Ah!" Gimli exclaimed, when they entered the room. "So you're all here. Wonderful! The Lady Galadriel has just paid me an unexpected visit! Come in, come in!"
He ushered them all inside the house, and found Lady Galadriel seated on a brown leather sofa. She acknowledged them all in turn, but her eyes rested mainly on Boromir who, this time, managed to look completely innocent. Nay, almost child-like save the glint in his eye.
"Well, we'd best be off," he said, standing up. The rest of the company jumped up as well. Gimli began to sputter.
"No, no, we've got pressing business," Pippin said, hurrying Merry out the door. "Gimli, we shall discuss our arrangement at another time, perhaps!" Legolas called before he was pushed outside. They shut the door firmly and all save Legolas and Merry stayed, putting their ears to the door.
"So, uhm..huff..ahem..my Lady...would you like to...you are..ho!" He shook his beard with his frustration, and Galadriel laughed.
"Perhaps, my dear Gimli, you should say what it is you're trying so hard not to." "Yes, yes, of course."
He became somber and serious, and for a moment Galadriel feared he would tell her someone died. But not to worry.
"Would you like to go to a movie with me?"
Legolas and Merry looked at each other. That wasn't supposed to happen. But then they heard Galadriel's child-like laugh.
"Yes, my good Gimli. I think I should like that very much."
"Wonderful!" he exclaimed, his beard bristling with happiness. "I know this great action flick..."
"Let's leave them to that," Legolas whispered to Merry, who nodded.
"Oh well," the young Hobbit said as they climbed back into the car. "Some is better than none."
"Yes, at least he'll get her into a dark theater. That ought to have his beard bristling good and straight before the end!" Pippin howled with laughter and his whole body shook from the effort not to wet himself right there. In the car.
"Right, well, since we've had such success, I vote we turn our talents toward other hopeless causes!" Boromir said happily, flipping off a car that cut him off in traffic.
"But who..."
And all eyes fell on Sam.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Heehee, hope you enjoyed that little piece of randomness! I had fun writing it! There is some promise of a sequel, so if you like, review, and I'll write another one. *thought pops into head* "The Fellowship of the Matchmaking Hobbits...plus one man and an Elf." No, that'll never do! ANYWAYS! Hope you liked!
~Rhiana~
By Rhiana Larsen
Summary: Boromir, Legolas, and the hobbits devise a way to get Galadriel to fall in love with Gimli. Warning: This story is completely random...AND it's AU. Modern times and all. So, my bad.
A/N: More random inspiration. I can't help it! When it comes to you, go with it! Lol.
MOVING ALONG...
"The Sacrificial Chicken"
"Boromir?" Merry asked, settling down beside the fire and the tall man. "Are we sure that Gimli is going to stay in that room?"
"Positive," Boromir smirked. "Legolas promised him a picture of Galadriel if he stayed there for three hours."
"What kind of picture?" Pippin piped up, chewing on a bacon cheeseburger.
"A very naughty one."
Pippin's jaw dropped. "Oh."
"Okay, okay, I've got everything," Legolas said, trotting up to them. He sat down cross-legged before the fire and produced a paper sack.
"Great!" Boromir said, looking evil. "Let's begin, then."
"This will be fun," Frodo said. "Poor Gimli! Without us, he wouldn't have a chance with Galadriel!"
"Yeah, she is kind of a snow queen, eh?" Pippin snickered, and finished off his burger. Sam sat nearby, silent and disapproving. His feelings were clear on the subject: they shouldn't be doing anything to 'interrupt the natural flow of things,' to which Merry answered by telling Sam to get stuffed.
And so here they were, sitting around a campfire, about to perform a spell that would make Galadriel and Gimli fall in love. Good Lord, what next?
"Right," Boromir said. "Do you have the blood of a newly slaughtered lamb?"
Legolas looked sheepish. "Well, um...see, I kind of got sidetracked. See, Aragorn and Arwen were meeting in the woods, and they were REALLY glad to see each other. REALLY glad. And I just happened to be passing by, so--" They were all looking at him like he was gross. "Anyway, the butcher was closed, so I went to the store..."
"What did you get instead?!" Merry demanded. He was very serious about this spell working.
"Stage blood," Legolas said, producing a small cardboard and paper package. Inside was a small vial of red substance.
Boromir huffed. "Right, throw it on, then."
Legolas ripped open the packaging and opened the vial, dumping the red liquid onto the flames. They sputtered and hissed, then flared even higher than before.
Frodo gulped. "Flammable?" he managed, looking a little afraid.
"Who knows. Anyways, let's get on with it." Boromir looked down at the list in his hands. "Do we have the sacrificial chicken?"
Again, Legolas blushed. "Well..."
"What THIS time?"
"I couldn't find any LIVE chickens, so while I was at the store..." He produced a yellow plastic-wrapped Styrofoam package. "I bought this."
"BREASTS AND THIGHS!?" Merry yelled, jumping up. "How in the bloody hell is this supposed to work with...with...BONELESS BREASTS AND THIGHS!?"
"Calm down, Merry!" Pippin said, looking interested. "If it doesn't work we'll all have fried chicken!"
"Oh. Right, then," his cousin said, plopping back down on the grass beside Boromir.
Legolas took the chicken out of its styrofoam package and set it gingerly on the logs of the fire. After a few seconds it began to hiss and spit, and again the flames leapt high.
The rest of the ingredients went in just fine, although Eye of Newt took a bit of doing to find. In any case, they came without blunder to the final addition.
Gravely, Boromir looked up from his list. "Did you manage to acquire that which is most needed?" Pippin made a screwed up face at Boromir's mock- seriousness, for which Merry promptly cuffed him on the head. He was, again, very serious about making this work.
"I got it," Legolas said eagerly, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out two separate small baggies. One contained three long strands of golden hair, the other a long bit of Gimli's red, bushy hair. "It was easy enough to get Gimli's. I just snuck up while he wasn't looking and chopped it off. Told him there was a bug in it. Anyway, I don't think he believe me. He just stood there, giving me that suspicious look. Finally, I backed away very slowly, and ran."
"But how did you get Galadriel's hair?" Pippin cried. "She'd have known, surely, that some game was up!"
Legolas smiled, nodding. "Yes, that is certainly true, Pippin. But I did not take this hair from Galadriel."
"But for the spell to work--!" Merry started, but Legolas shushed him. "I got it from Gimli."
Boromir's mouth dropped. "You stole the gift of Galadriel?!"
"No, Boromir, I did not steal it. I borrowed it, with his knowledge. I told him I was going to have it bronzed and set in stone."
"And he believed you?!" Frodo shrieked.
"He certainly did," Legolas said smugly. "I am, after all, a very convincing actor."
Boromir huffed. "Alright, alright, now you have to...twist the strands together and throw them on the fire!"
Quickly Legolas did this, but as he prepared to let them fall Merry cried out. "Wait! Has anyone else thought about the fact that Celeborn will seriously come and kick some Hobbit, Man, and Elf ASS if we do this and it works?!"
All were too stunned at first to formulate a reply. Never in their presence had the young hobbit used such words, so apparently he was quite distraught.
"He won't find out," Boromir said gravely. "We won't tell him we did this. Not one of us," he said, looking at each of them in turn with a critical eye. Everyone got the picture.
"Right," he continued, as Legolas tossed the locks of hair on the fire. "Now we have to recite what we want them to say to each other. Legolas, you'll be Galadriel, and I'll be Gimli."
"Why do I have to be the She-elf?" Legolas demanded, standing up. Boromir sighed, put the list down, and stood up as well. All around them the night crackled and birds called.
"It's your birth-rite. Now come on. I'm Gimli, got it?" he said to the fire. "And he's Galadriel. Right?" The fire gleamed brighter, then was dim again.
"Whoa," Frodo said, scooting back a bit from the flames, followed closely by Merry and Pippin.
"Okay, here we go." Boromir cleared his throat. "Galadriel, oh beautiful Lady of Light, who is far more beautiful than all the Glittering Caves of Aglarond, will you..." He struggled for words to say. "Will you be my love? My one true reason for breathing, will you forsake your Lord and come to me? I would give you all that you asked for if you would but breathe the words." So saying, and blushing ferociously at such a feminine display, Boromir stood back and waited for Legolas- Galadriel's- answer.
"Oh, dearest Gimli son of Gloin, I would! Alas for Celeborn, for I would follow you over the earth, to wherever you will! I will love you only, Gimli son of Gloin, for all eternity until the End of Days."
Finished, Legolas shook his head, and jumped when suddenly the flames grew ever brighter, and climbed tall in the sky. The hobbits jumped back, and Legolas and Boromir stepped a bit closer to them. But it was over as quickly as it began. The flames died and were calm again.
"Well, that's it then," Merry said, putting his hands in his pockets. "All we do now is wait."
"But first, let's get back to them." Legolas checked in his bag for a printed photo of a woman, Galadriel, who was portrayed as a scantily clad mermaid, long flowing locks and all. "Oh, the wonders of modern technology," he snickered to himself, knowing he'd have hell to pay to Haldir for making him do that. Not that the March Guard hadn't enjoyed making the photo, he added silently, laughing.
"Can we see the picture, Legolas?" Pippin asked, eager to see how 'naughty' it was. "No, my friends. Twould shame a Lady so great, and it is only for Gimli's eyes." And Haldir's, he added. And mine. A mischievous glint came into his bright blue eyes, and he laughed. "Come, let us go!"
They sped off in Boromir's deep maroon Forerunner, buckling their seatbelts tightly, as he was one to drive in great spurts of rage at the 'crazy maniacs' on the road. The short drive was quite a terrifying experience for all concerned, and they fair leaped out of the vehicle when it pulled to a halt outside Legolas' residence.
"Ah!" Gimli exclaimed, when they entered the room. "So you're all here. Wonderful! The Lady Galadriel has just paid me an unexpected visit! Come in, come in!"
He ushered them all inside the house, and found Lady Galadriel seated on a brown leather sofa. She acknowledged them all in turn, but her eyes rested mainly on Boromir who, this time, managed to look completely innocent. Nay, almost child-like save the glint in his eye.
"Well, we'd best be off," he said, standing up. The rest of the company jumped up as well. Gimli began to sputter.
"No, no, we've got pressing business," Pippin said, hurrying Merry out the door. "Gimli, we shall discuss our arrangement at another time, perhaps!" Legolas called before he was pushed outside. They shut the door firmly and all save Legolas and Merry stayed, putting their ears to the door.
"So, uhm..huff..ahem..my Lady...would you like to...you are..ho!" He shook his beard with his frustration, and Galadriel laughed.
"Perhaps, my dear Gimli, you should say what it is you're trying so hard not to." "Yes, yes, of course."
He became somber and serious, and for a moment Galadriel feared he would tell her someone died. But not to worry.
"Would you like to go to a movie with me?"
Legolas and Merry looked at each other. That wasn't supposed to happen. But then they heard Galadriel's child-like laugh.
"Yes, my good Gimli. I think I should like that very much."
"Wonderful!" he exclaimed, his beard bristling with happiness. "I know this great action flick..."
"Let's leave them to that," Legolas whispered to Merry, who nodded.
"Oh well," the young Hobbit said as they climbed back into the car. "Some is better than none."
"Yes, at least he'll get her into a dark theater. That ought to have his beard bristling good and straight before the end!" Pippin howled with laughter and his whole body shook from the effort not to wet himself right there. In the car.
"Right, well, since we've had such success, I vote we turn our talents toward other hopeless causes!" Boromir said happily, flipping off a car that cut him off in traffic.
"But who..."
And all eyes fell on Sam.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N: Heehee, hope you enjoyed that little piece of randomness! I had fun writing it! There is some promise of a sequel, so if you like, review, and I'll write another one. *thought pops into head* "The Fellowship of the Matchmaking Hobbits...plus one man and an Elf." No, that'll never do! ANYWAYS! Hope you liked!
~Rhiana~