Piloting Prowess or Lack Thereof
Disclaimer: I do not own Community.
Note: Inspired by Donald Glover's cut ad-libbed line "Jeff said he knew how to land a plane!" from the clip episode.
Pierce strolled proudly into the study room decked out in full pilot regalia.
"Pierce, you realize that Halloween was last week, right?" Jeff asked him.
"Yes I do so you can stop pretending to be straight," Pierce said before cracking up at his own wit.
"Are we doing a costume change?" Abed inquired. "Because if we are then I was thinking that Annie and Britta should go as sexy super-spies. It would really help with ratings."
"I want to be a sexy super-spy!" Troy complained.
"There's enough spandex for all of us," Abed promised. "Though for us I was thinking something a little more caped."
Troy's jaw dropped. "Now that is brilliant."
"So Pierce," Annie said, trying to be polite. "Why did you show up in a pilot's uniform?"
"I just got my pilot's license yesterday," Pierce said proudly.
"Remind me never to go flying again," Britta muttered.
"I hear that," Shirley agreed.
"Do you have a plane?" Abed asked.
Pierce nodded. "I just picked her up this morning."
"Cool," Abed said, nodding.
"So how would you all like a ride in my plane?" Pierce asked them.
Annie looked down. "Well…we do have to study. We have an anthropology test tomorrow."
"And half the test is an in-class diorama," Troy said, groaning.
"If I didn't know that that professor was crazy after she attacked Jeff then all these dioramas would have convinced me," Shirley said firmly.
"It might not be her fault," Jeff, surprisingly, came to her defense. "After all, Duncan took over her class and he's just lazy enough to make us do a bunch of dioramas he doesn't really grade. I heard that Starburns hasn't even done his last three and he's still passing."
"Why are we still making them?" Britta wondered.
Everyone turned to look at Annie.
"While I'm sure that Professor Duncan is, in fact, grading them because to do otherwise is too irresponsible for words," Annie began, "even if he were not then it would be important for us to do them anyway because the main purpose of this is to learn."
Everyone groaned.
"Why do we listen to you about this kind of stuff?" Jeff demanded.
"Because without me you'd probably be failing all your classes," Annie said primly. "None of you ever learned to study and you, Jeff Winger, refuse to do any more work than I make you."
"My real friends understand me," Jeff claimed.
"Your 'real friends' won't help you graduate in four years," Annie returned. "Remember that dinner reservation."
"So is that a yes or not?" Pierce demanded.
"I'm not missing a test just so you can get us all killed," Shirley informed him flatly. "In fact, I wouldn't miss a chance for that stripper my husband ran off with to run it in my face so you can get us killed. I really don't want to get anywhere near a plane with you in the cockpit."
Pierce started cracking up again. "You said cockpit!"
"I'd say 'grow up, Pierce' but at this point I'm afraid that it might be a lost cause," Britta said, shaking her head in annoyance.
"I don't know," Troy said hesitantly. "He did get his pilot license and they wouldn't give that to him if he didn't know what he was doing, right?"
"By that logic, Duncan should never have been allowed anywhere near a car," Jeff said dryly. "Come to think of it…Duncan should never have been allowed anywhere near a car."
"I think that it's a good idea," Abed spoke up.
"Why, so you can hijack it?" Pierce asked suspiciously.
"No," Abed replied calmly. "I just think that this is the perfect chance for us to have a breather episode."
"A breather episode?" Britta repeated.
Abed nodded. "Yeah, a breather episode is used after a particularly grueling and emotional story arc or episode, and serves to lighten the mood to contrast with the 'dark' mood of the previous episode."
"We didn't really do anything dark lately," Annie argued.
"Last week we were all roofied," Abed pointed out. "Either that or it's a giant government conspiracy. Either way, pretty dark."
Troy sent a nervous glance Shirley's way.
"I think we should go for it," Jeff declared. "I mean, flying can be fun as long as you're not crammed in with a bunch of strangers and it would be just us, right?"
Pierce nodded. "It's my own private plane."
"Excellent," Jeff said, clapping his hands together. "And if all else fails, I do actually know how to land a plane."
Two days later, the study group found themselves in Pierce's private plane miles above the ground.
Everything was going smoothly for the first hour or so before suddenly the plane started jerking.
"I knew that nothing good would come from getting into this plane," Shirley said, clutching at her seat.
"I'm starting to wonder just how close he came to failing," Jeff said, rolling his eyes. "I'm going to go check on him."
"Well, jerking the plane while in the air isn't too much of a problem as far as these things go," Annie said, determined to stay optimistic. "It's not likely that he'll encounter another plane and crash into them and it's certainly better than not being able to land."
"Guys?" Jeff said, sounding a bit alarmed. "Could you come in here for a second?"
The group obligingly followed Jeff into the cockpit. He was sitting at the controls and keeping the plane steady while Pierce was…not.
"Oh my God, Pierce is dead!" Troy cried out upon seeing Pierce's prone form slumped on the floor.
"Lord, I regret everything I ever said about him. Try not to judge him too harshly, he was old," Shirley said, her eyes on the ceiling as she made the sign of the cross.
"There are worse ways to die, I guess," Britta said awkwardly. "He was flying his very own plane at the time! He could have wasted away in a hospital room or something."
"Pierce!" Annie cried out, her eyes filling with tears.
Abed tilted his head thoughtfully. "Perhaps this is more of a WHAM episode? We'll need a breather episode after this for sure but I'm not sure I'd trust it."
"Oh, calm down everybody," Jeff told them. "He's not dead."
"He's not?" Abed asked. "Cool."
"If he's not dead then why is he on the floor like that?" Annie asked sensibly.
"He's passed out," Jeff explained. "And he'd be pissed if he found out that you thought he was dead again."
"Hey, this time he's not just late he's actually unconscious!" Troy exclaimed.
"That could still be really serious," Shirley informed them. "We really should get him to a hospital."
"We have bigger problems than that," Jeff said grimly.
"How can we have bigger problems than an old man who mysteriously collapses nowhere near a hospital?" Britta demanded, whacking his arm.
"Perhaps if the old man in question were the only pilot and we were forty thousand feet up in the air," Jeff deadpanned.
Everyone froze.
"That…might be a slightly more pressing issue," Britta admitted reluctantly.
"Jeff said that he can land a plane," Abed reminded them.
Troy's eyes shone with relief. "That's right! He did! And flying can't be much harder than the landing. We're saved!"
"I…might have overstated that a little," Jeff said, wincing.
"What do you mean that you 'overstated it a little'?" Shirley asked dangerously. "What do you mean 'a little'?"
"I downloaded a free version of Microsoft Flight Simulator and did pretty decent on that, okay?" Jeff said, running a hand through his hair.
"Then why did you lead us to believe that you'd be able to land a plane the other day?" Annie pressed.
"You guys were nervous about Pierce's piloting and I figured that it would probably be fine so I was trying to be supportive," Jeff replied. "I mean, really, what were the odds of something like this happening?"
"You should never ask that question after something does happen," Abed informed him. "Because the answer will always be one hundred percent."
"Noted but before we knew that it would happen, it seemed very unlikely," Jeff insisted.
"Pierce is practically a hundred and not in the best shape!" Britta snapped.
"He's probably more in his seventies," Jeff disagreed. "And he can outrun Leonard who's on the track team."
"The Greendale track team sucks," Troy confided. "If Pierce can beat Leonard, we really need him there."
"Focus, Troy! Pierce just collapsed," Annie cried out.
"Oh, right," Troy said sheepishly. "Pierce should join the track team after we take him to the hospital."
"How could this even happen?" Jeff demanded. His eyes fell upon an opened bottle of champagne in a cup-holder. "Was he drinking while flying? I'm no plane expert but I'm nearly positive that that is illegal."
Shirley moved closer and took the bottle. "There's barely any gone. There's no way he could have passed out from drunkenness on this."
"He wasn't supposed to drink that," Abed said quietly.
That caught Jeff's attention. "Pierce wasn't supposed to drink what? Any alcohol while flying or are you referring to this bottle in particular?"
"Guys! I keep telling you! Abed is our innocence," Britta reminded them. "We really should stop accusing him of-"
"Gum in hair," Jeff cut in, not taking his eyes off of Abed.
"Shutting up now," Britta muttered.
"What did you do, Abed?" Jeff asked him.
"Do you remember the Hangover?" Abed asked rhetorically.
Troy laughed. "I do! I loved the tiger!"
"Abed, please tell me that you didn't drug Pierce's champagne," Shirley said, sounding like she was struggling to maintain her kind voice.
"Pierce wasn't supposed to drink that," Abed said again. "He's the pilot."
"Then who was supposed to drink it?" Annie inquired.
"We were," Abed answered her. "Except for Troy because he's a Jehovah's Witness. I also don't think Annie's old enough."
"So that settles it," Troy said, nodding. "It was just an honest mistake."
"The bottle was out here so I thought that Pierce wouldn't take it," Abed explained.
"Abed, in what universe did drugging our champagne seem like a good idea?" Britta demanded. "I mean, it's better than drugging the pilot but still."
"In a universe where the Hangover made forty-five million dollars opening weekend," Abed replied matter-of-factly.
"So you decided to turn us into the Hangover?" Jeff couldn't believe it. "Whatever happened to you being the TV guy?"
"I can appreciate movies, too, and on occasion graphic novels. I'm currently in the middle of the Scott Pilgrim novels," he informed them.
"That's great but right now I really don't care," Jeff snapped. "If you had to be someone from the Hangover, why did it have to be Alan?"
"Because if I weren't the Alan then no one else would have been and we wouldn't have been able to do the Hangover," Abed replied.
"But everybody hates Alan," Britta pointed out.
"And yet they're making a sequel where they apparently all agree to hang out with Alan again," Abed pointed out.
"That just makes them idiots," Jeff said flatly. "And why would we even want to forget everything that we did? We were already roofied once."
"It was just the reference I was feeling," Abed said unapologetically. "I thought of doing Airplane or Snakes on a Plane but they just weren't doing it."
"Would you have really unleashed dozens of poisonous snakes on us if you were trying to do Snakes on a Plane?" Annie asked hesitantly.
"I'm almost certain that I couldn't manage that in two days so they'd probably just be more mundane types," Abed replied.
"I don't even know what to say to you," Jeff said, shaking his head. "Besides 'never EVER do that again.'"
"I hate repeats," Abed said agreeably.
"Are any of the other bottles okay?" Annie wanted to know.
"I wouldn't risk it," Abed told her.
"Now that that mystery is solved, we still need a pilot," Shirley pointed out.
"I say we have Jeff do it," Troy suggested. "Microsoft Flight Simulator or not, that's more experience than most of us have."
"What about you?" Jeff challenged. "You did that space simulation."
"First of all, space flight and normal flight are two completely different things," Troy informed him. "And secondly, that was a KFC promotional. Unless you see something measure the tastiness of chicken, I don't think I'm your man."
"Oh come on, Winger. Step up," Britta ordered.
Jeff rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine but if we all die horribly then I want to remind you that this was all your idea and to sue Abed."
"How could we sue him if we're dead?" Troy wondered.
"You know what I mean," Jeff said, waving a hand. "Now could you guys take Pierce out of here? He's kind of unnerving."
Abed, Troy, Annie, and Shirley picked up Pierce and started to take him away while Britta sat down in the co-pilot's seat.
"You can't take a hint, can you?" Jeff asked rhetorically.
"What, is the Great Jeff Winger going to get stage fright?" Britta asked, lightly mocking. "What kind of lawyer are you?"
"The disbarred kind," Jeff responded dryly.
"How you ever got to a point where someone thought you were enough of a threat to tattle on if you can't even handle an audience is beyond me," Britta said, shaking her head.
"I can handle an audience just fine," Jeff insisted.
"Really, because I can go if you think you need some alone time for a private panic attack," Britta offered.
"You know what, stay," Jeff decided. "Stay and watch me be absolutely amazing."
"Are you sure?" Britta asked, faux-concern in her voice. "Because just a minute ago you were saying something quite different."
"I was just trying not to overwhelm you with my mad skills," Jeff claimed. "I know how you get insecure."
"Oh, how I get insecure?" Britta asked, laughing. "How many times did you ask me how your body held up to that male model I dated?"
"It's a valid question!" Jeff insisted. "But, for the record-"
"Yes, yes, you were much buffer than he could ever hope to be," Britta interrupted, rolling her eyes. "But he was far less insecure about it."
"It's not insecure if you come out on top," Jeff said smugly.
"So…" Britta said slowly.
"So what?" Jeff asked her.
"I highly doubt that the others will be back anytime soon since, as you said, they can take a hint," Britta said suggestively.
Jeff turned to stare at her. "Here? Are you serious? What happened to flying the plane?"
"It's called autopilot, Jeff. As in, it's definitely going to be available for planes," Britta pointed out. "We can just coast for awhile and then come in for a landing when we're done. It's not like they expect us to land immediately and we've made do in less time before."
"I don't know…" Jeff said, looking very much like he wanted to be convinced.
"Don't you want to join the mile high club?" Britta said enticingly.
Jeff snorted. "I've been a proud member for years."
"You know what, that's strange," Britta remarked. "I have been, too. And as proud members, there are certain membership duties we need to deal with."
"I don't even know why I'm fighting you on this," Jeff said, shaking his head. He switched on the autopilot with one hand and deftly removed his shirt with the other.
The plane lurched again just as Jeff and Britta were finishing.
"What's that?" Britta demanded.
"I don't know!" Jeff said, standing up to check what had happened. "This was supposed to be on autopilot!"
"Maybe your accidentally hit something," Britta suggested.
"Me? How do we know that you didn't hit something?" Jeff asked, turning to her.
"It doesn't really matter!" Britta shouted. "But, for the record, I didn't because I would have noticed."
"And I wouldn't have?" Jeff challenged, crossing his arms.
Britta shot him a look that suggested that he was stupid for even asking. "Clearly not."
There was a knock on the door.
"What are you two doing in there?" Annie demanded.
Britta and Jeff exchanged anxious glances.
"Nothing," Britta lied. "Why do you ask?"
"Clearly you're doing nothing because the plane is falling," Annie informed them.
"We'll get right on that," Jeff promised, quickly pulling on his clothes.
"On it after what?" Annie demanded. "What could possibly be more pressing?"
"If I'm going to die or they're going to come in here, I'm not going to do it naked," Jeff said grimly. He pulled his arms through his shirt and then sat back in the pilot's chair.
"What was that?" Annie asked him. "I didn't quite hear you."
"I said not to worry because everything is under control," Jeff told her.
"I'd find that a lot more comforting if we weren't still falling," Annie said, sounding almost hysterical.
"Listen, we've lost too much altitude and we're running dangerously low on fuel to boot. We're going to have to land," Jeff informed her, steeling himself.
"I-I'll go tell the others," Annie replied, moving away from the door.
"How can it be dangerously on fuel?" Britta wondered. "We haven't been up here all that long."
"Would it really surprise you if Pierce didn't put enough in?" Jeff asked rhetorically.
"He did say it was a new plane," Britta mused.
"Brace yourself," Jeff said as he prepared to use his knowledge of a virtual flight simulator to really save them.
When it was over, they verified that they had all survived and the crash managed to shake Pierce awake though he still seemed really out of it.
Shaken, the seven of them exited the plane.
"Jeff said he knew how to land a plane!" Troy moaned, holding his head and shooting Jeff a betrayed look.
"Under the circumstances, I'd say that it could have turned out a lot worse," Jeff said defensively. "And remember, Pierce is the one who was supposed to be flying and Abed's the one who drugged him. Besides, you're the one who refused to do it instead."
"It was certainly a memorable experience," Abed pointed out.
"What just happened?" the Dean demanded.
The seven of them drew back, surprised, and saw a very unhappy Dean Pelton standing there with his hands on his hips glaring at them.
"Plane crash," Annie said shortly, smiling nervously.
"All of you, follow me," the Dean ordered, leading them a few hundred yards away where they saw a house that looked brand new…before the top half was utterly demolished, likely by their plane on the way down. "Line up."
The seven of them reluctantly did as they were told and stared expectantly at the Dean.
"This habitat was for humanity," the Dean said, looking very seriously at all of them as he walked down their line. "Whoever did it, step forward."
Jeff and Britta exchanged a look. For all that Pierce and Abed and Troy had played a part, it was likely the sex that was what had turned auto-pilot off in the first place and prevented them from noticing the depleted gas. They moved to step forward and, picking up on that, the other five did as well. Unlike the other five, however, they didn't actually step forward all the way.
"You five are in big trouble," the Dean said threateningly as the ones who stepped forward stared at Jeff and Britta in shock and betrayal. "Jeff and Britta, you're free to go because you didn't step forward and are therefore innocent."
Britta and Jeff quietly began walking away.
"I don't think we're that far from Greendale so we can probably catch a ride with someone," Jeff said at last.
"Good plan," Britta agreed. "They are going to kill us."
"Hey, it's not our fault that they have an actual sense of civic responsibility," Jeff argued.
Britta groaned. "Don't put it that way, you're making me look like a terrible person."
"My apologies," Jeff told her. "So what do you want to do after this?"
"Let's go back to my place," Britta suggested brightly. "We can watch Glee!"
Jeff narrowed his eyes at her. "I hate you."
Britta laughed. "Yeah, yeah…"
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