Title: Loosing it All

Rating: T

Characters: Fred and George Weasley

Warning: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows spoilers

Summary: George reflects.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter in any way shape or form

I had felt it.

Somewhere deep inside of me I had felt it. I had felt your warm, reassuring presence just vanish, and I must admit it left me disoriented. Like one moment I was fine, and then with a sudden jolt the world just dropped out from under me, dragging me down with the little flakes of plaster that rained down from the ceiling.

I should have known then, what had happened. I should have stopped fighting, stopped laughing enough to find you. Remember that time when we were three? Dad took us to his work and we got lost, remember? But somehow we managed to find each other after traveling three floors. I remember how all the panic we had felt had disappeared as soon as I saw that other redhead bumbling towards me. I remember how we had just smiled at each other and sat down, waiting for dad to find us. He did, because we knew that as long as we were together, he would.

To think that I'm never gonna feel that again…

They said you were gone, just like that. Didn't know if it was a spell that got you or the rubble. Your body wasn't really crushed, but there were a few broken bones. Personally, I'd like to say it was a spell that took you… at least then I know it wasn't painful.

When Percy, Bill, and Ron came up to me… oh God Fred… I was laughing, I still had a huge smile on my face… I realized they were crying, instantly got worried for one of our friends… I never thought for a minute that it could have been you. But then they started talking. They went slow, letting me take it in slowly as they went along, unable to hold back their tears and unable to look me in the eye. It took forever for Percy to manage to say those two condemning words, but I knew they were coming, I knew from the moment they had given me such a pitying look.

I had known since I felt myself suddenly cut off from you. Somewhere, deep down, I had known.

I know you. I know you well enough that you would have slapped me for what happened next… or mocked me about it forever… but there were so many promises between us. So many unpranked pranks, so many inside jokes no one else would get.

There was no swapping identities, no finishing each other's sentences… no mirror image to turn to for comfort after a particularly bad nightmare.

I was missing half of my soul Fred… I still am.

After my body started working that night, I ran. I ran like a man possessed until I got to McGonagall, who was levitating your body down the stairs with a pale face and a shaky arm, seeming like she was trying to hold back her own tears. I had to grab onto the wall, so disoriented from seeing a face so like my own paled with death… to see a body the mirror image of mine floating through the air to take its place with the others in the hall.

For a minute I wanted to scream out for her to stop, to let me be with you… to just let me cradle you in my arms… trying to feel that spark of excitement and energy we always got whenever we were near each other… to feel like the other half of my soul was still within my grasp.

I couldn't.

I heard mom's screaming sobs as you were carried into the room, heard the muffled 'Oh god! Fred! God no! No… NO!'

I don't know when I curled in on myself on the ground, nor when I started screaming… but the next thing I knew was that I was curled in on myself, hands behind my head and knees drawn up to my chest as I just screamed and screamed, letting my lips shape random words and letting the tears run down my face. It took a while. Hell, it took forever for me to realize that Charlie was there, sitting next to me and stroking my back while tears ran silent down his face.

It took even longer to realize that in my rage, in my anguish, I was cursing you… and Charlie was just sitting there and letting me do so. He didn't' stop… because he knew it was useless… I needed to vent just as much as the war needed to go on.

I don't really remember what I said, and Charlie would only shake his head and smile sadly at me when I calmed down enough to huddle against him, shivering and trying to find comfort in his embrace. It was so different, having him to comfort me rather than you. We fit together, you and I, and as much as I fit with the others of our family… you were special. We were made for each other.

I managed to walk in then, Charlie helping me whenever I stumbled, and I found everyone else hovering over you and the two other people I didn't want to see laying there. Tonks and Remus… deathly still… just like you were…

I nearly fell on top of you, but Bill and Charlie helped until I could collapse on my knees in front of you, pulling your head slightly onto my lap, running my fingers through the front of your hair as my tears began to fall on your pale, freckled face. It wasn't until then that I realized just how much you were starting to change. In death I no longer saw my twin… my equal… my other half. I just saw the dead brother I was closest to. It wasn't our looks that made us twins, Fred… it was our souls.

That night was hard.

I think I may have killed someone. I'm not too sure. All I know is that I was reckless. I didn't care for my own life, because it didn't seem complete without you. All I wanted was to kill and hope that I managed to hit the one that took you from me.

In the long run, it didn't make me feel any better.

The knowledge that the person responsible for your death was either in Azkaban or dead did little to ease the gaping hole left in my chest.

I managed to fill it each and every day afterwards with helping customers, taking interviews for someone to help around the shop. I even started talking to the rest of the family almost normally after a couple of days. However, there were still a few moments where I kept expecting you to pop up and help me deliver a witty joke or insult… however… you never came.

It gets bad at closing time, you know.

Every time I close the store, watching the lights flicker off around me, I'm struck with a sense of loneliness that just won't go away.

Every time I walk past a mirror I have to stop and walk past it again, just to make sure it was me I was seeing, and not you.

Remember my ear? Yeah… I know… how couldn't you, right? Sorry.

I'm covering it up now. It kinda… scares the younger customers. But its all right. I'm dealing with it just like I'm dealing with…

Without you.

Fred… I'm okay, really. Its been three long years… but… I'm okay. I miss you every single minute of the day, and I still flip out over seeing my own shadow… but… its getting better. I can poke fun at Ron dancing with McGonagall without breaking down now. I'm… getting better.

You don't have to worry about me. You don't have to fret over how I'm doing.

Its not the best I've been… but it won't ever be like that without you.

I've lost a part of my soul, remember? But even if I can't get that part back… I'm slowly filling it… patching it… I'm healing, Fred.

There'll always be a part of me that's reserved only for you, my twin… the person who's been with me from before conception. We were floating egg and sperm, you and me, and look what's become of us. We went from twins of a poor blood traitor family to founders of the most successful jokes shop in England… and to two heroes of the war… one of which has a marble tomb next to Tonks, Remus, Snape, Dumbledore, and all the others.

Honestly, I hope you're at least proud of the fact that you get a marble tomb and I'm probably going to have to deal with a moldy old box.

But maybe they'll take my sainthood into consideration and give me a nice gold tomb, eh?