The Adventures of Super-Glue Man

Chapter One

"I'm rubber you're glue; wait a minute I'm glue"

Hi my name is Dexter Bond but you probably know me better as "Super-Glue Man".

Well, I haven't always been a semi-super hero, I used to be normal, well normal is stretching it, to tell you the truth I was a DORK. I wasn't very popular, or liked very much.

It all started about two years ago, I had just gotten off of work and I got home, checked the messages and "Big Surprise" no messages. But, I did get something in the mail, it was an invitation to a bachelor party of some guy I'd never heard of, I was so desperate for human contact that I went, not exactly knowing just what to expect.

All I remember is walking into the bar and getting caught up in a congo line, the party was mainly a blur, drinks, dancing, three or four cakes popping open to reveal naked girls. But, I do remember drinking a lot, and I must have drunken some wierd stuff because everyone started to laugh at me.

I somehow got home (probably got a cab) and went to bed. That's when things got interesting.

The next morning my alarm went off and I slapped feebly at it, I must have knocked it off of the counter, somehow. Well, anyways I was awake. I tried to open my eyes but they wouldn't open, Duh my face was slammed into the pillow, I pulled my head up and tried opening my eyes again, no luck. I then grabbed at the pillow hanging from my face and pulled with all my strength, (being hung-over I thought that was what it needed) RRRRRIIIIPPPPP!!!! the pillow got off of my face, well , most of it anyway. I tried opening my eyes but everytime I did they opened kind of funny, I felt my eyelids and there was cloth from the pillow stuck to them, I pulled as hard as I could and finally ripped the cloth off leaving terrible searing pain. AAAAAUUUUGGGHH!!! along with the cloth I ripped off most of my eyelashes.

"Oh man that's gonna leave dexter."

I got up and tried to wander to the bathroom only problem was my blanket had attached itself to my feet and most of my legs. When I got up, I fell on the hard wood floor; which of course I got stuck to. After tearing my blanket to tiny bits of cloth and finally standing up I once again tried to walk to the bathroom ( by now I was completely confused but totally awake and sober ) my feet wouldn't move. The bathroom seemed a thousand miles away, I strained extremely hard and tore at the floor with amazing strength, I only lost a couple layers of skin on the floor.

Finally I was in the bathroom ( the final frontier, "not"). I shut the door and accidentally ripped the doorknob from the socket. I threw it down with amazing ease, "Yes I'm normal again!!" I screamed excitedly and jumped into the air to touch the ceiling, worst mistake I've ever made. I stuck to the ceiling and not only that, I really had to go to the bathroom and I'm afraid of hieghts, Long story short I peed my pants. After releiving myself, I somehow managed to fall, ripping big chunks out of the ceiling, (my landlord is going to roast me alive). I knew I had to get ready for work, I picked up my razor and got agonizingly close to my face when I decided I'd use the electric razor today. Too late I was stuck to the handle of the straight razor. Lucky for me it has interchangable heads, I popped the head off the razor and to my surprise it didn't stick to me. (whew)

I shaved as best I could with a handle stuck to my hand and tried to brush my teeth, and... you guessed it, I now had the tooth brush stuck to my hand. Let's look at the scene, a grown man wearing his boxers, standing in a puddle of his own pee with ceiling chunks on the gorund, a razor handle in one hand, and a toothbrush in the other with toothpaste all over his face. I pulled the objects from my hands as best I could and they came free with only a minimal amount of pain. I walked downstairs to call in sick for work, (I'd had it) I was ready to call my psychologist to tell him I needed some medication.

I picked up the phone and heard the usual voice."This is Syntax Unlimited, how may I direct your call?" "Uh, yeah this is Dexter Bond, My ID number is 4583I work on the 5th floor in programming and I'd like to talk to Mr. Glick ( we all called him "Glitch") " Hold on jeeust a moment and I'll put yeeeoo through." she had an amazingly annoying voice.

"Hello this is Harold Glick How may I help you?" "This is, um, Dexter I'm not going to be able to come into work today I'm feeling sort of strange, I'm going to see my doctor and have a check-up." "WHAT!!! Bond if you're not in this office in one half-hour you can kiss your cubicle goodbye!" "Well, since you put it that way, sir, I'll come in, okay." "Click" After hearing about twenty seconds of dial-tone I tried to hang up and walk away but the the receiver had somehow got attached to the back of my hand as adversely rather than the palm which was actually touching the phone. I decided not to mess with it I unplugged the phone cord and went to put on some clothes. Everything thing went pretty smooth except for getting my shirt on which hung onto the phone receiver and upon further inspection hung on the desk lamp that was stuck to my back. I managed to get the lamp off and the receiver fell off in the kitchen. "wierd" I said but thought nothing of it. I was elated that I wasn't sticking to stuff but still wary. ( remember the bathroom ceiling? I do.) Driving to work went fine, didn't stick to much, you know the stereo button, the doorhandle, but they came off pretty easily, that is until i got into the parking lot, someone took my personal parking space, and I got mad at them. I turned around to get another space but was cut off by a truck, I was stuck between a truck and a wall, I just pushed the brake pedal and put it into park and tried to get out. BOTH HANDS were stuck to the steering wheel," aw Dangitt" I pulled as hard as I could and ripped the wheel from its home and tried to open the door with it on my hands, I broke the window, handle, interior fake leather, and a button of my sleeve, but finally I was out of the car, still with the steering column, but I was walking.

I kicked at the column with my foot and it fell to the ground, I walked into the store with confidence, that is until I was dragged back out by the momentum of the revolving door to which I was attached. I walked with the door and I tried to jump when it was pointing inside, I jumped but my hands were still stuck, I got stuck in between the door and the wall," AAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH" A security guard noticed my distress, and turned his back, then his partner came and tried to pull me out. I got stuck to him but since he was pulling harder than the door, I got unstuck from the door, but still attached to the rent-a-cop, he tried to pull free but instead pulled my shirt off.

After an hour of explaining that I hadn't purposefully tried to get my shirt off, they let me into my cubicle( I had gotten my shirt back) I walked into the office and was confronted my "Glitch" my boss, " Bond You're late!!" " Sorry, sir. Ask the security guards they'll tell you why." "All right but don't let it happen again." Under his breath I heard him say, "Useless Dweeb" It really hurt, but I shrugged it off without minding much. I sat down in my cubicle and turned on my computer, I immediately began typing, (I'm a killer typist, 120 wpm) When I started really cutting loose my fingers stopped suddenly and I remembered all the problems I had that morning, my fingers were stuck to the keys, " Aw Crap!" I pulled as hard as I could and I got the letters A-S-D-F & J-K-L-P stuck to various fingers and the space bar stuck to my thumbs.

I wiggled my fingers and the space bar fell off but all of the other buttons stayed in place, I picked up the phone to call my boss, but when I pushed the buttons the keyboard keys got in the way, I accidentally called a multi-species phone-sex corporation. "MOOO!! a sensual voice came on and said, " What species would you like to hear?" I hung the phone up and tried calling it again, I finally pushed the right buttons (a half-hour later and a few hairs shorter). A familiar voice picked up, "How may I direct your call?" "Hi, this is Dexter, may I talk to Mr. Glick?" "Seeorry, sir, but Mr. Glick is out to lunch.""Oh well when he gets back in tell him that Dexter Bond is going to see his psychologist and that he can't really fire me because I have a personal disability at the current time and that is considered discrimination."