Galactic Apocalypse: A Message to Shepard

[the following correspondece was pilfered from the abyssmal depths of Shepard's email]

Dear Commander JERK,

You think you're sooooo clever, don't you? What with your N7 armor and your shiny ship and your special genes. We're onto you, like fire on kerosene (hint: you're the one who gets burned). You're in for it now, boy! Harbinger and Sovereign were nothing! They were throw-aways. They were tests. And you failed. We're coming out of dark space in the sequel and you're gonna be sorry, sonny-jim.

-With loathing,
Your Worst Enemies, The Reapers

P.S. We got that thing you sent us, and we most certainly do not look like lobsters. It isn't our fault that the only Reapers you've ever seen up close were hyper-grown from a race of spiny arthropods! At this rate, we may change our minds and not send you an invite to our Christmas party after all. (Hint: the party is of apocalyptic proportions.)

P.P.S. We know it was your pet grasshopper that stole our Thanix, and if it wasn't him than it was some other turian. Either way, we're holding Vakarian accountable, so let him know that he's officially on the List. His name's going right under yours. Just a friendly head's up.

Your deaths will be painful, and your end is imminent. The galactic extinction is nigh! Spread the good word!

[likewise pilfered]

Dear Asshole Space Lobsters,

Just a couple of things:

1. I'd ask who gave you this email but I know it was the Illusive Man – this brand of treachery is right up his alley. The sad part is that I'm not even surprised by this anymore, and since I know both he and Miranda are screening this letter (don't even bother denying it), I feel secure in admitting that the only reason I'm saving the galaxy right now is because I hate Cerberus slightly less than I hate you all.

2. You like my shiny ship too? Thanks, it's new. I'm not fond of all the Cerberus logos (hint, hint), since they seem, I don't know, RIDICULOUS for a terrorist organization that prides itself on not being noticed. As Kasumi helpfully pointed out, "it's kind of the polar opposite of stealthy," and since she's my resident stealth expert I'm trusting her opinion on the matter. Then again, this is from the same bipolar organization that brought us the psychotic Thorian's preserved plant-zombies, and the senseless slaughter of marines at the acidic jaws of Thresher Maws on Akuze, so their COMPLETE INCOMPETENCE isn't shocking to anyone anymore.

3. I really enjoyed killing Sovereign. Twice. As for Harbinger, well … I'm sure you're embarrassed enough about him for all of us.

4. We just received some video footage of your descent on our galaxy. I'm sure we're all very impressed.

5. I don't know if you've heard, but I'm Commander Fucking Shepard. Now, if you somehow got out of that the impression that you were going to succeed, let alone survive the coming onslaught, I'm sorry for misleading you. I wasn't trying to. Honest.

6. You look like goddamn lobsters and nothing you say will EVER change that.

-With more loathing,
Commander John Shepard

P.S. I can't attend your Christmas party anyway – I have plans. (Hint: they involve thwarting you dicks.)

P.P.S. Garrus would like me to tell you that he's both humbled and honored you put him on the List, and would like me to add that the Thanix cannon, which was indeed developed by the turians and based off of Sovereign's main gun, is what single-handled ended that whole Harbinger mess. We hope you're proud of it, because you're the inspiration after all. It's also what is going to destroy the unliving hell out of you.

Since as a living, sentient creature I'm inherently opposed to our extinction, I think you'll understand if I don't get right on that. Now do me a favor: don't ever contact me again.

R&R!