This was actually written a while ago, but I forgot to post it here. There's some minor spoilers, but nothing earth-shattering.
Disclaimer: I own zip, zilch, nada.
The Painted Elf
It is a very, very silly Grey Warden for keeping the Painted Elf around.
I do not understand why it should continue to do this. Never mind that the Elf tried to kill it, but it is just plain annoying: it never shuts up, it recites awful poetry, and it keeps staring at the Warden's backside. Why has the Warden not squished it yet? Or better yet, asked me to squish it? It is useful, the Warden says. It has nimble fingers to get into locked doors and chests – never mind that I could quite easily break open any lock, but does it ask me? No, it doesn't.
It must have another use for the Painted Elf, surely. It keeps sneaking into the Elf's tent at night-time, and they make icky noises that keep everyone else awake. Of course, I do not sleep. But I do have to listen to the others complaining the next day. It is most tiresome.
And if they are not going to each other's tents, they stay awake all night talking, when I am trying to keep an eye out for evil birds. The Painted Elf keeps complimenting the Warden like it is the most important person in the world – but it still spends all day bragging to everyone about its conquests. I do know know why the Warden puts up with it.
And besides, the Warden is not the most important person in the world. I can withstand far more without snapping like a twig or leaking bodily fluids everywhere. I do not need to eat or sleep or breathe or defecate like those disgusting birds. I can walk underwater, through fire, unharmed by poison or lyrium. Clearly I am a far superior being, and yet do I get complimented? Hmph, never.
The silly Elf even gave the silly Warden a silly piece of metal to put in its silly ear. The way these squishy creatures go on, I thought having a bit of metal stuck in you was a bad thing. I don't understand why the Warden hasn't seen a healer about getting it removed yet. Even if it is a very sparkly bit of metal, with those shiny...glittering...gems...sparkly... but it still looks ridiculous! I would never wear something like that, even though I don't actually have ears.
Anyway, my original point is that the Warden should not keep the Painted Elf around. Because what purpose does it serve, other than being talkative and irritating? It cannot even deflect arrows like I can. The Warden should have me in its group more often instead of dragging that stupid Elf everywhere. I could give it bits of shiny metal, even though shiny things are better off in my care. I could even stay up all night making those odd noises with it if it wished. Though I would still not press my mouth against it; I would get covered in horrid saliva, and I would probably end up breaking its fragile little nose anyway. See, I don't do it out of concern for its well-being. I should get more shiny gems for my thoughtfulness.
But I don't get any gems, or any more attention – always directed at that Elf instead. They keep smiling at each other. Why are they smiling? What is there to smile about? I thought a Blight was supposed to be a time of misery and despair; not that the Blight affects me in any way, but I'm still here fighting it. That should get me another few gems, at least.
They smile at each other, and they whisper things when they think no-one is listening in – which I'm not, I just happen to have good hearing, even without the ears. They keep brushing against each other, and the noises they make at night – squawking! Like birds! All manner of shrieks and gasps and groans, like they're trying to kill each other in there.
I don't understand. Not at all.