Obvious disclaimer: I do not own Potterverse. Side note: This idea came to me whilst mindlessly doodling in my English Lit class, it gave me a fit of giggles. I hope it does the same to you. Enjoy!
It was the middle of July when the Ministry of Magic finally sorted through all the paperwork it took to declare Sirius Black innocent of the betrayal of Lily and James Potter and the massacre of twelve Muggles and that good-for-nothing rat Peter Pettigrew. There wasn't a cloud in the vast blue sky and the sun shone down lighting up the world in a way that just screamed freedom. Sirius was dressed to the nines in a black blazer casually thrown over a charcoal grey t-shirt and a pair of dark pants. Hidden up his right sleeve was his wand – just in case.
His black hair was freshly cut and groomed to perfection and his grey eyes were alive with the aspect of being liberated from his sordid past and a hidden twinkle of insanity one could only gain from spending twelve years in Azkaban. Taking his first step out of the house a smile broke out across his face as he breathed in the summer air. Not caring where his destination was as long as it wasn't being confined to a building Sirius walked letting the sun warm his paled skin regaining his old strut he hadn't used since the thirty-first of October the year Lily and James were murdered.
On his journey he walked by a Muggle appliance store that had six different televisions in the window displaying the special news report that was being read by a man with a horridly obvious toupee and picture of Sirius in the upper right hand corner with the word 'INNOCENT!' stamped across it in big bold letters. His smile widened as he continued down the pavement getting glances from passersby recognizing him from the news report. A couple of turns later Sirius found himself in a park that was littered with people, not one of them pointing at him screaming that he was a mass murderer and to hurry and call the cops. It was bliss.
Almost.
As Sirius walked the path through the park he came to the decision that he needed to celebrate his freedom the right way. A smirk appeared on his lips. It had definitely been a lonely twelve years and women did like a bad boy. He knew this from experience. So seeing as he was an ex-convict who was actually innocent and great in bed if he was so bold to say – and he was – he figured he wouldn't have any trouble finding a girl for the night.
With this new thought Sirius' casual stroll through London as a free man turned into a quest. His grey eyes scanned every woman he passed. That had one had a nice set of legs. This one was getting frenched by her dog. That one had shiny hair. This one….might actually be a man. That one had a nice pair of breasts. This one had a lazy eye that reminded him of Alastor Moody. That one was married.
Sirius had passed many women all had nice features or not-so-nice ones that put him off in a heartbeat. Like that woman he just passed that looked so eerily like Snape that Sirius had to do a double take just to make sure that the Hogwarts Potions Master wasn't actually taking a nice jaunt in a hot pink leopard print leotard. Sirius was just about to give up on the park as a place to successfully pick up women when he spotted one – not just any one but a very attractive one.
Her hair was like liquid chocolate that fell in large loose curls half pulled back by a clip in the shape of a butterfly and her soft looking skin had a sun-kissed glow to it. She was wearing a black skirt that showed just enough leg to keep him staring and her top was a deep ocean blue with a v-shaped neckline that gave a good glimpse of her perky chest. The way she walked in her black high heels made her bum move nicely – like Jell-O on springs. Her face was done in a light amount of makeup that highlighted her natural beauty, her pale pink lips were glossed and her big, expressive eyes matched the color of her top.
Sirius and his pants knew she was it. Without breaking his casual stride he changed directions and quickly mapped out a route that would make them 'casually' bump into each other. It took a long seven minutes but Sirius managed to successfully bump into her and accidentally knock her bag off her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry." Sirius apologized with a charming smile on his face that almost completely erased the damage Azkaban did.
"No, no, it's my fault I wasn't watching where I was going." She said taking the blame as she picked up the few items that fell out of her bag. The woman had a nice melodic voice that he bet would sound wonderful screaming his name in pleasure. Sirius bent down and picked up the last couple of objects she dropped and handed them to her. "Thank you." She said shooting a quick smile in Sirius' direction. There was no doubt in his mind, he had her. Otherwise she would've walked away already instead of lingering like she was doing. Point one for Sirius.
"It's not a problem. Though I was wondering, to make it up to me, maybe I could take you out to lunch?" He propositioned laying on the charm just enough so he wasn't over doing it. Finally she stopped looking through her bag and stared at Sirius; her deep ocean blue eyes scanned his face as if she knew him from somewhere but couldn't place the face. "I'm Sirius Black, by the way." Sirius held out his hand.
It happened so fast that Sirius didn't even have a chance to defend himself. Her eyes doubled in size and her hand plunged into her bag before pulling out some sort of small canister. Sirius barely had time to wonder what the canister did before the woman was screaming bloody murder and pressing down on the canister spraying a powerfully stinging liquid into his eyes.
"BLOODY HELL!" Sirius bellowed trying to shield his face from the onslaught of burning liquid. He dropped to his knees in pain yelling out curses as best as he could. At some point the woman had run away though he couldn't see her do this since his eyes were closed tightly in pain, tears streaming down his face giving him the effect that he was crying like a little girl. Unattractively his nose was running heavily with snot, his face was a bright red and stinging and he couldn't stop coughing though he found it hard to breathe. What was this devilry? It had to be worse and far more degrading than the Cruciatus Curse.
It wouldn't be until two hours later when he was sitting back at his house face still beet-red, eyes bloodshot to the point that Sirius wasn't sure they'd ever return to normal and a trail of dried snot on his cheek that his good friend Remus Lupin would stop laughing at him long enough to tell him about this self-defense weapon Muggle women carry called pepper spray. And that Sirius should've waited at least a week – not a few hours – after his name was cleared before courting a girl because news in the Muggle world just didn't travel as fast as that in the Wizarding world. Sniffing and wiping his nose on his sleeve Sirius told Remus to shove it where the sun refused to shine and that he was going to take a shower. Sirius picked up the shattered remains of his dignity and marched out of the room with the sound of Remus' laughter following him all the way.