Broken Rules

Book: This Lullaby

He broke my rules. Most of them, that is. I vowed not to date musicians, but the fact that he was one didn't exactly stop me. I mean, sure, I thought about the fact that he was a guy in a band, but it never really caused me to break up with him. It was a factor in our relationship, yet it didn't sop me from liking him. Plus, he was messy and disorganized. He couldn't even keep his shoes tied. Now that really annoyed me sometimes. But I put up with it. And it wasn't because I had to -because I could've just walked away whenever I wanted to, but because I chose to. It was my decision to go for someone who didn't even meet my standards, and that itself was a risk for me. I even bought him plastic ware, for God's sake. Now that means I really like him.

My mother's been married five times. Her last husband was a cheating scumbag and didn't even deserve her. All of the times I've watched the marriages of my mother form and fall, I noted that no such thing as true love really exists. Love is always developing, but then it breaks. That's why it sucks -because someone in the end gets hurt. So I've chosen when I was a little girl, never to fall in love. It's pretty simple to, really. I'm able to have complete control over my feelings. But then thoughts trail back to him. He broke my rules; normally that wouldn't even happen. Once I discovered he was a musician like my father who didn't get the chance to know me, I should've just let go of the thought of being with him. But I didn't. I still went ahead and took the chance.

His name is Dexter. Now that has got to be the stupidest name you've ever heard. He wasn't perfect, but I still fell for him to my surprise. My mother, who was like me in some ways, broke her rules, too, for my father. I once asked her why and she gave me her answer. "I was in love," she said. So if Dexter managed to break my rules and steal my heart, does that mean that I might be in love with him? Does that mean we're really meant to be together like he claims we are? Yech. I need to brush off that last thought.

-

"Whatcha doing?" Dexter asked, resting his head on my shoulder as I was finishing wiping the rest of the dishes that were just washed. Being on tour with Truth Squad was fun if you liked constant burping and Dexter's cheesy challenges.

"What does it look like?" I replied. "I'm cleaning up after you guys."

I turned to face Dexter. He was cute if you liked tall guys (which I did). His hair was black and curly, sort of like a mad scientist kind of style. It sort of suited him. Not that he was a mad scientist, but still. He looked good.

Dexter looked like he was in deep thought, so I asked him, "What's up?"

Slowly, he said, "I think that you'd make a great mom one day, Remy."

I'm no where close to becoming a mother and there he goes, telling me that I'd make a good one. I don't even like kids that much. Dogs I could handle. But a baby was a real human being that actually needed proper care. I doubt I'd make a good mother. Besides, there's not even a guy that I'd think would make a good father. I do think that Dexter could handle kids, but come on: we're still freaking teenagers that don't know any better.

"And where exactly did you come up with that?" I responded.

He shrugged, heading toward a chair. He invited me over to his lap and I accepted the invitation. I played with the curls of his hair, twirling some around my finger. Dexter and I weren't exactly the type of couple that touch each other and make out with one another all the time. That's why he was different. As much as I hate to say it, with most guys, I ended up having sex. And I didn't like it, either. So it was new to my friends when they discovered I had yet to sleep with Dexter. It caught them off guard -and me too- that I was with someone who wasn't planned out.

"Well, one: you're always taking care of me and the guys, and two: you always clean up after us," Dexter said. "That's real mom potential."

"You're crazy," I said, laughing.

"And you love me."

I shook my head defiantly. Feelings for Dexter were strong, but love? I don't know. I've been exposed to broken relationships too much to actually experience and believe in love. But then I thought about my brother, Chris. He and Jennifer Anne are happily engaged and their wedding's soon. He told me about falling in love with Jennifer Anne. He didn't choose or decide to. It just happened and when he realized it, it was already done. There was nothing that he could've done to prevent that from happening.

I could be in love with Dexter. I could. I won't say that it's highly unlikely, because I've seen what love does. It changes you completely. And frankly, I've changed too. Love causes you to tolerate the things that bug you, and I have. Love makes people break their rules. And I did. Just for Dexter. So this is it, this is love. I am totally infatuated and in love with Dexter. And it scares me because I never thought it would happen so soon. Oh God.

"What's wrong?" Dexter asked.

I shook him off, getting off his lap. I couldn't believe it -I just realized I was in love with Dexter. He was right -I loved him. Cleaning Monkey, his dog, and buying him plastic ware, cleaning his room, watching him practice playing, and going on tour for him; that was all out of love. For the first time I realize how love feels like. And it's scary.

"Nothing," I said, panicked. It was so strange that something that used to be so meaningless to me had suddenly and finally gotten to me. There isn't even anything that I can do to take it away. I, someone who's always been able to handle and control my feelings, have no idea what to do anymore.

"Are you sure?" Dexter asked. "You seem a little jumpy."

By this time, Dexter got up from his seat and made his way over to me (clumsily, I must say) and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked away; I was too shocked by myself. This wasn't happening, I wasn't in love. No, I'm just being delusional, I'm sure. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, so it can't happen now. Then again, why not? Why can't it happen now? I'm with the one person who managed to make me break all of my rules for him and my rules don't even apply to him anymore. I made an exception with him and all because I love him. Wow. I actually love him.

"Dexter?" I said, looking him straight in the eye. "You once said we were meant to be together. How? I mean, you barely knew me, so how'd you come up with the idea that we were supposed to be together?"

Dexter shrugged. "It was an instinct. Didn't you feel it?"

No, I didn't feel it then, but I do feel it now. Dexter and I were together because it was destiny. It all came down to timing; if I hadn't been there, at the car dealership, I wouldn't have been with Dexter. So fate made it so that Dexter and I would stumble upon each other and bring this day. For once, the idea of me being in love with Dexter made sense. Our fates entwined with one another -we were meant to be together and I know for a fact right now that I love him.

"I feel it now," I said as I tip-toed to kiss him. He smiled as I pulled back. "Dexter, there's something I want to know ..."

Dexter perked up. "What is it?"

"Well," I had no idea how to ask him. What was I supposed to ask, anyway? Do you love me, Dexter? It sounded so cliché, I couldn't do it. But it seemed so simple, too.

"Well what?" Dexter pushed. It seemed like he knew where I was getting at, because he seemed more eager to know what I was saying. "Remy, what is it?"

"Um, well you see," God, I was speechless. I had never in my life been at a loss of words. This was so new to me. I couldn't even believe it was happening. If my friends back home knew what was going on, they'd probably jump off a cliff. "I broke my rules for you."

"Ah," Dexter said. "The strict no musician rule, right?"

"Yeah," I said, sheepishly.

"So what are you getting at?"

"No one's ever done that before," I started to explain. "No one's ever been able to cross that borderline for me. Except you. You were like, the only guy that's been so determined to get me to loosen up. You made me break my rules and that scared me." Never had I been so open with a guy before, either. Man, this is serious love.

Dexter smiled gently. "Well, the only reason you broke your rules, honey, was because you love me."

I nodded. "That's true."

Dexter's expression looked surprised for a moment and then regained its regular composure. I went back to talking, "Yeah, it's completely true. I do love you."

I kissed him again, wrapping my arms around his neck, bringing every memory he and I shared together back into a full circle, breathing in his sweet essence. I remember being jealous of Monkey because he was able to love Dexter so easily. I guess loving someone does come easily, but realizing it takes some time. Like Chris said, once you realize it, it's done. You can't do anything to take it back. This is life; love takes up a lot of it, and being too scared to live it is just going to be a waste. So when Dexter picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his narrow waist, I let everything flow, because that's how life is supposed to be. And I intend to be with Dexter. If it doesn't last forever, then I'll know that it wasn't a big waste like my mother would say. Instead of it being a waste, it was a time where I know I loved someone and that person loved me.

Just before Dexter's recently stained T-shirt was about to be pulled off, he whispered in my ear, "I love you, my fair Remy."

Love. It's a nice feeling.