She can deny it, up to become voiceless and purple, but I know it... she is depressed. It sometimes happens to her, it sometimes happens to all of us.
We live our life normally, as normal as the life of hundreds of people lost on the other side of the galaxy can be.
We live our days as if this was a normal assignment, but sometimes we just have to look at a picture, or to smell something familiar or a sudden sound which remind us of home ...and everything goes ...ok, you know the drill...
Let's say that there are days in which we are quite screwed up
On these days, it is difficult to crawl out from our beds, wearing these uniforms which, by the way, are always difficult to wear, and working.
The sorrow, the emptiness is so strong that it leaves us breathless... how many people still cry themselves to sleep?
How many husbands, wives, children, wait for the return of their loved ones?
Everyone knows, that the decision taken by the captain has been correct...
...generally...
Let's say that today it is not one of those days...
Today Kathryn Janeway is a cross among a Cardassian, a Borg and a Vidian for some people.
Today she's the enemy.
And she knows it.
The thing which is really driving me crazy is that not only does she know about it...but she agrees with...how the hell does Paris call them?
Pricks...
Yeah...right...
Pricks
Her look is extinguished, even her body, her beautiful body, expresses this feeling of defeat, of resentment toward herself today.
"Commander, I'll be in my ready room" She suddenly says. Her voice has slightly cracked. She quickly heads, toward her ready room.
I knew that this was a hell of a day...
May I say it?
Shit!
Ensign Kim looks at me.
I know what he's trying to tell me, "Let's go to her, she will listen to you..."
I nod and while I get up I say, "Lieutenant Tuvok, you have the bridge..."
I knock to the chime and for some instant she doesn't answer, then, with a still cracked voice she says, "Come in"
I enter her ready room, noticing how dark it is.
Kathryn has sat on the couch, she looks at the stars through the porthole...
She's crying.
Ok, enough with this bullshit!
I move toward her and I ask, "Captain?"
Kathryn doesn't respond, why suddenly do I desire to shake her for her shoulders?
"Kathryn?" I ask again
I roll my eyes and I take a seat close to her, this seems to cause a reaction in her, in fact she wipes the tears away from her cheeks, she turns toward me and asks, "What do you want Chakotay?"
"I just wanted to..."
"I'm fine" she tells me smiling weakly
Yeah, right...
"Kathryn..."
My beloved captain, the same woman who, at times, I desire so desperately that I almost go crazy, lifts a hand to stop my words and she says, in an angry voice, "I've said I'm fine!"
Who knows why, right now, I'm torn between the desire to kill her and that to kiss her... I think I'm going to kill her, for now...yeah, I'm a fine first officer...didn't you know that?
I take a deep breath before saying, "No you're not"
She looks at me, I've seen phasers less piercing than this glare...but I don't care, she needs an energetic shoulder's shake and someone who says a few things to her...
It's all in my job description...didn't you know that?
"How dare..." She begins
"How dare I...you ask me how dare I? Well, Kathryn I could ask you the same question!"
"What do you mean?" She asks surprised
"Don't listen to them" I simply tell her, I stretch a hand to graze her hair, but I let it fall. I don't want her to misread my gestures.
"I don't know what you are talking about…"
"I'm talking about that gentleness' example which has taken place in the mess hall…this morning"
Perhaps another woman would have lowered her head, but not Kathryn…she keeps gazing at me, with a glare of steel…
This thing frightens me..
What I succeed in reading in her look frightens me even more
"You are not the enemy, Kathryn…"
This affirmation makes her smile, but her smile is bitter, she stands up and starts pacing the room.
I'm almost tempted to tell her she's going to draw a hole in the carpet, but luckily I shut up, because she whispers, "It's so hard for me….at times I wish I hadn't made that choice…you know what Chakotay?
They think they're the only ones who have left someone back in the alpha quadrant….but guess what?
I had a life too!
They don't know how hard it's been for me to make that choice, I was going to marry Mark, at the end of that mission, you know?
I was going to build a family, to have a normal life, but they don't see this, they just see the witch who has destroyed the erray!"
"That's no true and you know that" I say
"Which part is no true?" She asks. She looks so tired, she's the strongest person I know, but in this moment she seems so frail, and I hate those bastards…that part of our crew, who made this to her.
I take a deep breath before saying, "Kathryn they know it hasn't been simple for you…..they know you had a life back on the alpha quadrant...they know you acted following your principles...it's just that sometimes they need a scapegoat for their sorrow…don't listen to their comments…they don't mean them!"
She smiles and again her smile is bitter, she shakes her head and whispers, "They're right Chakotay…I've made a decision for all of them…they're right to hate me!"
"Oh, please Kathryn!" I exclaim
"Oh, please Kathryn…what?" She asks
"Don't do this to yourself…it's not who you are!"
"How do you know, Chakotay…have you any idea, of how I feel, knowing what I've done to my crew? I'm their captain….I'm supposed to protect them!"
She's standing now, her hands on her hips, she's fuming with anger…
That's my girl…I can't hide a smile, she notices it, in fact she asks, "Why are you smiling?"
"I missed you" I simply say
"I've always been here" She whispers
I shake my head, she sits on the couch and whispers, "You're right …I haven' t been here for a long time, actually I don't know where I've been lately"
I caress the smooth skin of her cheeks and I ask, "Did you find your way home Kathryn?"
"You…showed me the way Chakotay…you always do…" She says, taking my hand between hers.
My heart begins to pump furiously in my chest. I've got to go now…I know she will break my heart, again, if I stay here, if I let her speak, but I can't help staring at her, I can't help drowning in her eyes.
I can't move, I don't want to move.
If I move, I'll kiss her.
If I kiss her, she'll back off.
If she backs off, my heart will break…and frankly, I don't know if I'm able to put the pieces together.
It's a simple equation
Simple…
Then….why are we so close now?
Why can I feel her breath against my lips?
Why can I taste her mouth's flavour now?
Why are my hands all over her body while we kiss each other?
Why are my eyes full of tears?
Because I love her.
surprise, surprise
I've to break this kiss, to end this madness before it's too late, but I can't.
I'm kissing Kathryn Marie Janeway, and I'm damn happy.
So happy that I could howl to the moon .
Yes I know that's something which mad people do.
But I can promise you, after six years of waiting, longing, loving Kathryn Janeway I'm mad.
Who in his sane mind would kiss the person who breaks and puts together your heart on almost daily basis, if not a mad man?
Who in his sane mind, would look at the said person like I'm looking at her right now, with love and longing, if not a mad man?
Who in his sane mind would tenderly trace the said person's lips, and feeling his own heart squeezing at the sight of her smile, if not a mad man?
I'm not only a mad man, I'm a fucking lunatic, because I think I've just heard her say, "I love you, Chakotay"
"You love me?"
She nods, her eyes are twinkling.
"No kidding? You. Love. Me?"
She nods again, smiling.
"You love me, as in: 'you're my best friend, my first officer'?"
She shakes her head.
I'm at loss for word, I've got to admit it…Kathryn Janeway has this power over me, among the others.
"You love me" I repeat, shaking my head. I repeat this phrase for a while, like a mantra. I like its sound, I could get used to it…I'm already getting used to it…I'd say I like it!
"Chakotay?" She asks
I look at her, she's so beautiful…and I'm so afraid of what she's gonna say now.
Something like, "I love you but we can't do anything about it, because of the crew, the protocols, the delta quadrant's psychos who cross our trip home" Or: "Gee…Chakotay, I love you so much, but forget everything I've said or done, it's too dangerous for us to express our feelings…"
As always she surprises me asking, in a shy voice, "Do you love me?"
Huh?
Do I love her?
Jesus, where has this woman lived for the past six years? Under a rock?
I love her so much that I'm breathless when we are together.
Lifeless when we are apart.
I love her so much, that after hours spent with her, when I'm alone my heart squeezes in a vice, and I feel empty, so empty and I have to force myself to stay still, to ignore the voice in my head which begs me to call her, just to listen to her voice.
I can't live with her, because it's too painful
I love her so much, that I've forced myself to forget her, in order to survive.
I can't live without her, I love her so much that I stay by her side, always, because the mere thought of my life without her, it's unbearable
Do I love her?
"I always have and I always will" I say to her.
Her eyes fills with tears
I realize now that my eyes are filled with tears as well.
She caresses my cheeks, she traces the lines of my tattoo.
I need to know now, I know my timing sucks, but I really need to know what we are gonna do now.
I don't want it to be a secret.
I don't want to hide what I feel for her, not anymore.
I want to feel it everyday in my life.
I want it all.
All the love of the world.
All for us.
I want the magic.
The magic we can create with our looks, with our smiles, with our touches.
I want to feel, taste, smell, the love we share, like a tangible thing.
I want to wake up every morning with her in my arms.
I want to watch her sleeping, like I've done on New Earth.
I want to keep drinking Kathryn's beauty, honesty, gentleness, love, like I'm doing now, while, we are looking at each other.
I fall in love with her every day. When we look at each other, when our lives are at stake, when we disagree.
I can't help it…I keep falling in love.
I've tried for so long to fight these feelings, to keep them at bay…but I've failed.
She has conquered me.
Piece after piece, tear after tear, smile after smile.
She's just said she loves me.
So, I lightly grab her wrist and force her to look at me when I ask, "What about the crew?"
"They'll survive, they're gonna accept it, they'll get past this" She says, planting soft kisses on my neck
"W…what about the protocols?" I ask, this conversation is getting weirder and weirder.
"We're quite far from the alpha quadrant, didn't you notice it?" She says before she starts kissing my cheeks bones.
"What…hmmm… about…hmmm….the delta quadrant's psychos who cross our trip home?"
She stops and look at me in the eyes, with that half smile, which I know so well
"Delta Quadrant's psychos?" She asks, grazing my chest with her fingers, tickling, my nipples through the uniform.
I nod, I don't trust my voice right now.
She does the same, then she takes a deep breath and says, "It won't be easy. I can't promise you easiness Chakotay; I'll be scared out of my mind…I am scared out of my mind…but I promise you, I'm gonna try…I'm gonna love you! Our crew, protocols and delta quadrant's psychos notwithstanding"
"I…"
She places a finger on my lips and she says, "Chakotay, will you do me a favor?"
I nod, again. I'm speechless.
"Will you shut up and kiss me?" She asks.
"Aye, m'am" I manage to say.
And Gods help me, I kiss her.
I kiss her on the couch of her ready room, while our senior officers are on the bridge.
I kiss her, I drown in her flesh, in her perfume, in her soul.
I kiss her.
Who, in his sane mind would kiss the enemy?
A mad man…or a man mad about her
That would be me.
But as I said to her she's not the enemy, not at all
THE END.