When Tenzin left me, I was angry. I still am. Even with a few weeks to soften the blow, it hurts to see him walking arm in arm with that girl. But what hurts the most is how he did it. I can understand a couple drifting apart. I've seen enough friends heartsick over a completely indifferent person to know that the object of their desire has no obligation to be with them. But Tenzin shared years of happiness with me. I thought we still shared it. He said that we were headed for this anyways, and I would never have thought so, but I would have respected his decision to leave. If it hadn't happened like this.
I would have thought he respected me enough to give me the courtesy of a real explanation. To let me say my part. To face me and honestly own up to his actions. To maybe give me an apology, one real apology for what he was doing to me. I know him. I loved his serenity, the way he would bend around an obstacle where I would just stand firm and face it down. But that nature has its own faults too. He hates giving anyone pain, he'd rather turn tail and run than face opposition. He didn't want to cause me pain, but he must have known it would happen no matter what he did.
Why couldn't he just let me face him and talk to him? When he started dancing toward the topic I already had a sick feeling in my gut about what was coming. But instead he tried to put me off with platitudes and empty excuses. It kills me because I would have accepted his decision, and I would have tried to do it with some dignity and grace. No matter how much I loved him, he clearly didn't love me anymore. However much he hurt me, I knew he'd still hold a special place in my heart. I just wanted to tell him what I felt and hold myself together as best I could until he was gone. But he wouldn't listen, wouldn't explain, wouldn't let me say what I needed to until finally the talk exploded into a one-sided screaming match where he sat with a martyred expression and stared at his folded hands. While the bottom was falling out from my world, he wouldn't even look me in the eye.