He hated hotels.
He hated the way even the largest, most exquisite hotel suite had the power to unearth claustrophobia, despised the way the walls closed in on his motionless form as he sat, alone and apathetic long into the witching hour.
The clock was ticking in the silence, a steady beat, a never ending pulse of monotony.
Shadows blanketed the room; the only source of light from the humming strip above the mirror. His outline dim in the glass, his flesh bright against a black background.
He could stare at himself for hours and never tire. Vanity wasn't the appeal; more curiosity. A burning desire to understand himself. A yearning to figure what everyone else saw when they looked in his eyes.
All he saw was cobalt, cobalt rimmed mauve with lack of sleep. Eyes so swollen and bruised, sunk against taut skin.
Lips chafed and broken, moving wordlessly in the glass, a soundless monologue in the midnight hour.
Speech wasn't needed. If he wanted noise he'd rummage for his walkman.
If he wanted to he could gorge himself on tapes.
Tapes crammed to bursting point with drums and guitars, with screeching vocals that roared and hissed amongst the thrashing instrumentals of heartbreak and torture.
He could feast upon them all and more, could crank the volume so high that the headphones leaked and he was held captive by music so incomprehensible through aching eardrums that he no longer tasted his tears.
He could do all that and then some.
If he wanted to.
Except that involved moving and moving required effort.
And all he wanted to do was sit here and stare; to muse and ponder why his festering soul wasn't apparent in the glass when it was blatantly viewable to the rest of the world.
He wanted to know why he could still feel the cotton of Hunter's shirt scratch against his chest when he was positive he'd thrown it deep in the back of some closet in Colorado.
He could remember the rip of fabric as he vented his frustration; could see the way the red flapped in the breeze, torn from his frame as Hunter stood with the door swinging back and forth behind him.
"Don't go, please don't go"
He could see himself on his knees, fingers digging into the wretched shirt, Hunter's flesh exposed by the way he'd yanked at him as he tried to leave.
" Please Hunter"
He wanted to know why Hunter's tapes were still buried in the bottom of his suitcase, hidden amongst socks and underwear; smothered in clothes so that he didn't have to read his fine handwriting printed neatly across the cases when he specifically remembered flinging them far and wide across his bedroom in San Antonio.
"I hate you"
He could still hear the cracks of the cases as they met the wall. The tense silence as Hunter had stood seething, letting him do it.
Most of all he wanted to know why he still had the photographs splayed across his lap, black canvasses strayed around his knees, claiming the bed as their weathered storyboard.
He didn't have to see them to pinpoint each snapshot.
He knew if he reached to his left he could lightly brush his thumb over their first kiss.
He could caress and claim a summer sunset, could run his fingers over two intertwined bodies blurred against a golden backdrop. The calm before the storm.
A hug.
" I love you"
A kiss.
"I love you too"
He couldn't remember the specifics. The picture too dark to share the secret.
He just knew it had been warm there in his arms and now he was cold.
The splatter of rain claimed his attention, the pelt of water hard against the panes as he turned. Photographs shifted, spilling to the carpet in a whirlwind of memories.
A gasp of dread, a breath of exasperation as he landed on his knees salvaging the last sources of happiness he could lay claim to.
He shuffled the pictures together, stacking and savouring them, polaroids piled haphazardly in trembling hands.
Hunter's sleeping face right at the top, an image frozen in time captured when he was unaware. Hair fanned across the pillow; face half buried in the bolster, a content smile crooked on his features.
It was the one he could whisper to.
The one picture where there was no guard, where vulnerability was permitted to shine through.
The one picture that was just Hunter.
His Hunter.
Not the current Hunter who wouldn't speak to him unless he had to. The current Hunter bled cordiality as opposed to closeness.
The rain thickened, ricocheting persistently against the glass, as if enticing him out to play. A consistent melody pulsated through the night, willing him to his feet, stirring another memory, one where photographs were not needed for recollection.
A memory steeped in impulse and romance.
He stood beside the window, looking through the fogged up pane, seeing nothing but the dimmed lights blinking invitingly outside.
He yanked cast-off jeans over boxers hurriedly, shoving the picture in his back pocket, treasuring it as a lucky charm.
He didn't lock his room, he had everything worth value pocketed.
He followed winding stairwells, knowing the twists and turns of Hilton Hotels like the back of his hand. The countries changed but the layout within each hotel did not.
Barefoot he arrived on the roof, staring upwards to the blackened sky, stars obscured amongst the heavy clouds drenching him in rain.
A chill wrapped itself around him, throbbing through damp skin with the thrill of adrenaline.
Arms outstretched, golden mane slick and frizzled against wet flesh he stood, offering himself to the thunderstorm on the brink of breaking.
He thrived up here, the night air billowing around him, rain running rivulets against his chest as he remained motionless. The bitter sting as it sliced through the wet fabric welcome, almost cleansing.
" This is us. Right here. This is how I'm going to remember us."
He remembered Hunter's hands in his hair, winding sodden locks around his fingers as he pulled him closer for a kiss.
Lips sealed together in the rain as he leant against him, warm and encased, secure in his arms.
A goodbye in a rainfall.
The farewell that tainted thunderstorms bitter sweet.
The pelt of water against his face roused him from the past, drew clarity to him.
He had never been more aware of his own company.
He didn't have to stare into mirrors to see his soul up here, the walls weren't towering and threatening to tumble atop him. There was merely a stretch of sky, an infinity of possibility.
" Shawn?"
He rounded, heart lurching with fright at the sound of his name, so shrill in the shadows.
He narrowed his gaze, the dim outline of another coming into focus. Hunter perched on the edge of the roof, one foot on the ledge, the other dangling precariously into the blackness.
He blinked the droplets from his face, expecting Hunter to disappear with the rain, like a cruel mirage.
He was still there.
Shrouded by his leather jacket, hair tussled and soaked around his face as he stared patiently awaiting acknowledgement.
" What are you doing here?" Shawn questioned finally, tone flat, the rain no longer thrilling, no longer a detour for his problems.
" The rain woke me"
" So you just decided to come out here?"
The question hung in the air between them, lost amongst the downpour.
"You hate storms" Shawn commented quietly failing to understand why the man he'd had to soothe during rolls of thunder would willingly venture onto the roof as the lightening began to crack .
" You don't"
The reply was sullen, almost wistful.
A flash of comprehension quickly soured to rage.
" Since when did you give a damn about me?"
" I always gave a damn about you" cried Hunter defensively, swinging his body forward so that he was on solid ground.
" Even when you walked out on me?" spat Shawn
Hunter's gaze fell, averted to the ground to seek the puddles gathering amongst the concrete. He concentrated on the water pooling around his boots, watched as the droplets landed, sending ripples through the liquid.
" Yeah even then" he answered finally raising hazel orbs to meet shades of sapphire.
" Bullshit." Shawn growled furiously
" No!" snapped Hunter brusquely, " I cared for you, I loved you Shawn and all you cared about was pissing everything away-"
"Liar."
" Stop it."
" Why? Does it hurt? Sting just a little bit?" mocked Shawn eyes alight with sneering amusement, " I never pissed anything away. You're the one who packed your bags and left. You're the one who burnt all the bridges. That was all you, not me."
" Oh you want to play the blame game Shawn? Ok let's play. I wasn't the one taking somas, I wasn't the one drinking myself into oblivion and I sure as hell wasn't the one keeping other people's beds warm"
" I never went to anyone else's bed" Shawn spat through clenched teeth.
" No you just brought them all back to ours"
The retort was harsh, words torn with vehemence.
"It's not what it looks like"
Shawn could hear his protest even now, the feeble denial cowardly even to his own ears. It wasn't what it looked like though, he didn't love them like he loved Hunter. It was Hunter who tormented him, belittled any love he held, demeaning it as nothing more than a passing fancy on his part.
Holding him at fault.
He had constantly acted as if his feelings for Shawn were far superior to the ones Shawn felt for Hunter. Had always told Shawn that he'd get bored and leave, that he'd be the one to destroy their relationship.
" You pushed me away" whispered Shawn finally, " Always telling me I'd screw it up, that I would ruin us-"
" Well you sure proved me wrong" interjected Hunter sarcastically.
Bitter silence surrounded them, the rain harsh and unrelenting in such quiet.
" Screw you"
The retort was petulant, a reply dredged in defeat.
" No thanks I don't know who you've been-"
" Don't!"
Shawn's cry split the air, overpowering the torrent of water cascading around them. The wounded cry of upset high pitched against the beat of rain.
" Don't say it" he pleaded, " I haven't been with anyone"
The denial rough and coarse, a fractured breath as he stood, fists clenched to his sides. Cotton sticking to his skin with the weight of the water it had absorbed as he trembled in the dark, vibrating with vehemence.
Hunter stared at him, a pang of guilt pierced him at the sight of Shawn so tortured.
" Ok" he concurred finally, the syllable soft and barely audible.
" I haven't" reiterated Shawn weakly.
Hunter remained transfixed, Shawn blurred amongst the raindrops, hair wet and stringy, strands lone and twisted with the water.
He swallowed deeply, trying to overcome the tight knot building in his chest. He hated seeing Shawn so vulnerable, it wasn't endearing. It maddened him that no matter what Shawn did it seemed to be he that ended up bearing the guilt.
He cast his gaze from Shawn's face, eyes lingering on the shirt as they travelled.
His shirt.
The shirt he'd been wearing the first time he'd stormed from the hotel, the shirt Shawn had then ripped trying to drag him back into their floundering relationship that spring night in Colorado.
The shirt he'd abandoned when fleeing self-destruction.
" Why are you wearing my shirt?"
The question dry and reedy, words cracked in the blackness.
The enquiry providing the distraction he so sorely needed from Shawn's dismal stare.
" You want it back?"
The words threaded in insolence, frustration fracturing the night.
" No I just-"
" Here take it! Take everything!" Shawn's voice rose with anguish as he rived it over his head, hair crackling with static as he pulled it roughly, exposing his flesh to the rain.
" Shawn no, don't be stupid-"
" Take it!" commanded Shawn heatedly, gripping the cotton viciously as he offered it towards Hunter.
" I don't want it"
" Then fuck it to hell" spat Shawn vilely, flinging the shirt to the ground. Hunter watched as it landed amongst the water, droplets pooling amongst the folds as the rain spattered the torn and discarded clothing.
Looking up he saw Shawn, sluiced in water, goosebumps dotting his naked skin as he shivered.
Rain ice cold against his frame.
Night air billowing around them, Shawn's wet hair caught in a gust of cold as it surged around him, whipping his bare skin.
Sighing Hunter shimmied the jacket from his shoulders, held it out imploringly.
Shawn shook his head defiantly. He wouldn't take it. He didn't want Hunter's pity.
" You're freezing" observed Hunter impatiently, " Just take the fucking jacket Shawn"
" I don't want it" Shawn replied pointedly, a bite to his words.
Disregarding his spite Hunter moved forward and wrapped the leather around trembling shoulders.
A gasp of surprise escaped him as Shawn's fist struck his chest, awash amongst a flare of panic at Hunter being so close and he lashed out.
" Get off me" he cried pummelling Hunter furiously, " I said I didn't want it!"
Hunter grabbed for him, swiping for flailing fists in an attempt to prevent his blows from landing on their chosen target.
Shawn thrashed frantically in his hold, a desperate bid for freedom and he slipped and stumbled dragging Hunter crashing to the ground with him.
A low moan as his body hit the concrete, a whimper as Hunter landed atop him winding him momentarily.
" Why are you always so damn stubborn?" Hunter snapped still pinning the elder man by the wrists.
He could feel the rain seeping through the shirt he was wearing, could see the droplets leaking from his hair to land on Shawn's contorted frame below him.
" I...don't...want... your fucking coat!" choked Shawn struggling to be released, " Let me up!"
" Not until you calm down"
" You let me up now or I swear to God I'm gonna kick you so hard in the-"
" You're being ridiculous"
" And you're being a shit" swore Shawn heatedly, " I want you to let go of me right now"
" I promise as soon as you calm down I'll let you up"
" I'm calm"
" Nice try"
" Just let me up"
A quiver to the demand, petulance no longer embedded, features frightened in the shadows as Hunter stared down.
" Please"
A beg and a plea wrapped in a stricken tone as he lay, eyes beseeching.
" I'm not hurting you."
" I w-want you t-to let go!" moaned Shawn, teeth a chatter. Be it with cold or panic Hunter wasn't sure.
He stared down at Shawn's face, pale and damp, beads working their path across his features. His stomach jolted with the cold familiar ache of guilt as he realised there were tears amongst the rain;that Shawn's lips weren't trembling with the bite of the wind but with the effort of silent crying.
Hunter shifted, suddenly releasing Shawn, the flicker of fault too nauseating to bear as he stared into stricken sapphire.
He regretted it immediately as Shawn kneed him viciously, making good on his earlier threat.
He remained on the ground, hunched over in pain as Shawn scrabbled to his feet, a manic look of rage clouding his face.
" Bastard" he seethed, " I told you to let go"
" I let go" spluttered Hunter, lower torso aflame with agony.
Shawn stood, shivering, the leather jacket lay in the gutter and Hunter didn't even care.
Just like he didn't care that Shawn had loved him unconditionally even in the wake of infidelity.
He didn't care that Shawn had wanted them to work. That us had meant so much more to him than I.
He didn't care that it was all his fault Shawn had splintered and caved under the weight of loneliness and mistrust.
All Hunter cared about was leaving. Throwing in the towel and wrecking even the hope of friendship in the wake of the destruction of their romance.
And it hurt.
It hurt that he could allow them to touch so intimately with no emotion wrapped behind it.
It hurt that the last time they'd been that close they'd been lovers.
He watched as Hunter dragged himself upwards, using the wall as support. His features flushed, the pain ebbing slightly as he heaved, breathing deep and broken.
" You're insane."
Shawn shrugged, not disputing the accusation. No sane person relished the rain as much as he. No sane person ran to the roof to drown their memories when the Heavens opened as he did.
" And you're not?"
He threw the statement back, the question low and concrete until it sounded more like a fact.
The night had darkened, the rain impenetrable as it fell casting a sheet of water between them, the growl of the thunder overpowering.
" I came up here didn't I?" Hunter yelled, words swept away in the torrent of water.
Shawn blinked, no longer able to focus. All he could see were fat droplets of water, dark and dank against his skin, tears filmed his eyes making the world around him even more distorted.
Hunter reduced to nothing more than a dim shadow, lost amongst the water. He didn't care he was numb, that the rain was needling his skin, the beads of water cutting into him with an icy vengeance.
He shivered in the cold.
He still didn't want the damn coat.
Hunter had rescued the leather jacket from the water, shaking the excess droplets from the heavy material he breached the distance between them, enclosing Shawn in a hug.
The jacket draped his shoulders loosely,tucked against his collarbone as Hunter held it captive with his own body.
He leaned against the elder man, lips meshed against the Texans ear, sticky with water and hair slick against his mouth as he allowed his words to creep in the crevice of Shawn's ear.
" I came up here because I knew you would," he said,
Shawn closed his eyes, body taut in his hold. A stoic form, frozen in the rain encircled by strong arms.
The memories were smothering him.
" I wanted you to" Hunter continued,
Shawn remembered the photos stacked upon his bed, a jolt of sickening worry as he recalled the polaroid tucked in his back pocket, the denim of his jeans already waterlogged.
" Why?" whispered Shawn, throat tight.
" Because, like you said, I'm insane" Hunter shrugged, " And no matter how much I want to I can't hate you."
" I don't hate you"
" I never cheated on you"
The bitter edge was back, the harsh condemnation torn from Hunter's lips.
" I'm sorry"
A whimper so broken the rain almost swallowed it whole. Hunter strained to hear the apology he had craved for so long.
The apology drenched in sincerity. A crushed cry for forgiveness seeped in water and heartache.
" I always loved you"
Hunter stared, Shawn's eyes were still closed, beads caught amongst the lashes. He didn't want him to cry again. He couldn't comfort tonight, it wasn't his responsibility.
" I loved you, but you...damn it Shawn"
The name faded to a whisper, a breathless murmur that spoke volumes of what could have been.
Of what should have been if only they'd garnered trust and belief.
Hunter pulled him closer, crushing Shawn against his chest, he sighed as the elder man sought him, pressing wet cheeks to damp and bristled cotton, yearning consolation.
The rain sheathed them, the hectic pound of water buzzing in their ears as they stood, the throb of Hunter's heartbeat overpowering it all for Shawn.
" Just because I don't love you doesn't mean I don't care."
The words washed over him as he stood, nestled against Hunter, the night lightening to a smoky grey, the clouds still heavy with the water that continued to barrage them both.
Shawn could feel Hunter's hand reassuring on the small of his back, he melted against it, the leather from the jacket crisp against his spine, as Hunter's palm ran up and down soothingly.
Released all too soon, he stared up, features lost in the rain. A yearning for contact shivering through his person.
He wanted Hunter to keep him safe.
" I just wanted you to know that, it doesn't matter what happened between us. I'll always be there if you need me," Hunter said, raising his voice to be heard.
Shawn nodded, weakly smiling through his tears.
" I just thought you needed to know that." repeated Hunter, gently squeezing Shawn's quivering hand.
Shawn held on a beat too long, the tenderness turning uncomfortable as Hunter made to leave.
" Just give me my jacket at the taping Monday ok?"
Another nod, a blink and Hunter was gone, slipping back through the fire escape into the warmth of the Hotel.
Shawn watched, the roof empty and vacant before him.
He walked slowly to the centre, the rain easing as he wandered.
He stopped, stared down at the abandoned shirt laying at his feet, boots scuffed and watermarked. Reflecting his hangdog expression in the puddles lapping against his toes he crouched for the fabric, hugging it tightly to his chest he inhaled.
If he closed his eyes and dredged through the memories he could still imagine it smelled of Hunter.
The shirt hung limply from his fingers, as he waited, head bowed to the storm.
Somehow the picture worked its way from his pocket into his hand. Shawn remained motionless, entranced by the sleeping face before him, now puckered and stained with rain and wet denim he stood.
His Hunter was ruined.
His Hunter was gone.
The Hunter who had held him as he cried was merely a friend, a loose one at that. They couldn't love then merely like.
He let the picture slip from his fingers, watched as it splattered against the puddle, drowning in murky water.
He didn't need to keep the photograph to keep the memories.
Shawn turned, tugging the jacket around his form, heading towards the doorway, the night weaning around him.
The wind claimed the picture, a gust of goodbye as it whipped the photo into the air, a spray of water blazed behind it as it kissed the sky.
Hunter watched it go, a sense of closure as he slunk from the shadows to return to his room.
Shawn never saw it leave.
For him, Hunter had already gone.