He walked into his apartment and placed his ready bag at the door. Clooney had run up to him as he always did when he returned, to greet him. Derek knelt down to pet him and acknowledged his presence. It had been a long week. The team had flown back from NY but he had volunteered to drive Hotch home. It gave them a chance to talk things over. He and Hotch didn't agree on all points, but they had ironed things out and had finally agreed to disagree. He had made it clear to Hotch that he'd do it all over again if he had to, and given the results, Hotch conceited.
Penelope was another story. He'd put her through hell and he regretted that decision, but ultimately he trusted her and knew she'd do all she could to get him out. He hadn't realized just how many times she was his life line. But those were decisions he'd made and situations he'd force her into. Every time he'd turn to her, she was always there. He shared everything with her, the happy times, the hard times even the nightmares that no one knew he was still having. It was hard not being able to share with her the news about NY. She still wasn't talking to him and he understood he needed to give her some time.
He went to the kitchen to get a beer but changed his mind halfway there and opted for a shower first. On a night like this he needed to relax and let the thoughts in his mind clear. He had to make a decision about NY and he had to make it quick.
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Penelope had cleaned her apartment and organized her things when she arrived. She needed to keep herself busy. JJ had told her about the job offering in NY that Derek had received and the thought of him taking the job was killing her. She knew he'd want to talk it over with her, they were best friends, and they talked about everything. She didn't know what she'd say to him. Part of her wanted to scream out "don't go, please stay with me" but the other part, the more reasonable side of her told her she had to let him go if this is what he wanted. It was a great opportunity for him and he should be proud of his accomplishments. She needed him to know that she was proud of him too.
She had showered and had put on a t-shirt of Derek's that he had left behind when he practically moved in with her after she was shot. It was comforting to her. It still smelled like him. She grabbed a glass of wine and sat on the couch. She debated whether or not to call him. She had told him she was mad and he accepted it. She hadn't spoken to him since. The fact that he hadn't called her yet meant two things. One, he and Hotch still hadn't arrived or two, he took her words to heart and was giving her time. "I can wait." Those three words kept repeating in her head.
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Derek sat in the dark drinking a beer. He went over all the pros and cons of accepting the job in NY. He started to chuckle as he realized he was making an actual list. This is something that Penelope did. He had been with the team now for well over 4 years. They all knew each other well. They could anticipate each other's moves and thoughts. They could even finish each other's sentences. This isn't something that just happened; it was something that developed over years of working together. This was his family and he felt comfortable with them; he trusted them. Then there was the politics that came with the job. He'd seen Hotch dance the political game and it really wasn't something he would enjoy. But then it was a great opportunity for him. He'd be running his own office. At his age, that was remarkable. He put the list down and leaned back against the couch closing his eyes. He knew this list was useless. No matter how many things he'd put on the pro side, he could list just as many on the con. Besides, there was one thing that NY couldn't offer that Quantico could; Penelope. That was the first thing written on the list and everything written after was pointless because that was the only thing that mattered.
He sat up and reached for his phone. He needed to talk to her. He needed to tell her how he felt. How he really felt. For years he'd kept her at arm's length. He'd always been commitment shy so one night stands worked well for him. Penelope wasn't a one night stand. She was different and he knew it. She scared him. He knew his feelings ran deep for her and once he allowed himself to vocalize it, there would be no turning back. He looked at the cell in his hand and shook his head. "I need to do this in person" he thought to himself.
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Penelope heard a knock and went to door. She looked through the peephole and smiled. "My God he looks good" she thought to herself. She opened the door for Derek and invited him in. "Is everything ok?" She asked.
"Yea, everything is fine." he said. Derek noticed she was wearing his T-shirt and this brought a smile to his face.
"Do you want something to drink?" she asked.
He looked at her and grinned. "What are you offering?" he asked.
Penelope blushed. "I have wine, beer, soda, water" she said trying to hide the blush.
"Not what I was jonesing for but I'll take a beer." He said smiling.
Penelope smiled at him and went to get the beer. She let out a deep breath when she got to the kitchen. They had flirted for years. In fact, everyone talked about it. It was their way of releasing stress. It didn't mean anything, at least it didn't mean anything to him and she had to keep reminding herself of that.
She handed him the beer and sat down on the couch next to him. "Baby, what brings you here?" She asked.
He looked at her and hesitated before answering. He put down the beer and turned to her. "You, you bring me here" he said.
Penelope tilted her head and looked at him. "I don't understand" she said.
He grabbed her hands with his and looked deeply into her eyes. "Penelope, I need to know something before I say anything further and you need to promise me that you'll be completely honest." He said.
"Derek I've never lied to you of course I'll be honest. What's going on?" She said getting a little nervous.
"I need to know where you stand with Kevin. Do you love him? Is he THE one?" Derek asked.
"Derek you never want to talk about Kevin. Why now?" She asked.
"I need to know. I can't explain why just yet, but I need to know." He responded.
Penelope looked down. She hadn't told anyone that she and Kevin had broken up. She didn't want them feeling sorry for her. She especially didn't want Derek to know. He was always so protective of her and she knew he'd assume the worst. She didn't want to have to explain why she couldn't love Kevin.
"Penelope, look at me." He pleaded.
She looked up and into his eyes. She swallowed hard and fought to hold back the tears. "He doesn't have to know, he's leaving to NY" she thought to herself. But she wouldn't lie to him. She couldn't lie to him. "Kevin and I broke up a month ago." She said softly.
"Do you love him?" Derek persisted.
Penelope shook her head no. "Why is this so important Derek?" She asked.
Derek got up from the couch. He was relieved by her answer but scared to death of what she'd say next. He turned to her and swallowed hard.
"I made a list of pros and cons." He said.
"You made a list of Kevin's pros and cons? Why?" She asked puzzled.
"No, listen." He bit the inside of his lip and let out a deep sigh. "I got an offer for a job in NY and I made a list. One side had all the things that NY had to offer and the other side, all the things it couldn't give me." He said is so quickly that she was still confused by what was going on.
"Derek, you're not making any sense." She said.
"Don't you understand? I've been making a list! I DON'T MAKE LISTS. That's something you do!" He said walking towards her as he said it.
"Derek, this isn't making any sense to me. What does this have to do with Kevin and me? Baby, I'm trying to follow you but you're all over the place." She said.
"This was coming out all wrong" he thought to himself. "Ok let me start from the beginning. I've been offered a job in NY to run my own office. I wanted to tell you but I thought you were still mad at me so I figured I'd tell you after you had some time to cool off. Usually you and I sit down and we go over things. We make lists or I should say YOU make lists, I just humor you." He said.
Penelope rolled her eyes. "Making a list is the only way to make a good decision" she insisted.
"Well that's what I did. I made a list. I put down every pro and con I could think of. I did this for a while and then I realized it was useless." He said.
"Derek, where's the list? Let me see it." She said standing up from the couch and holding out her hand.
Derek reached into his jacket and pulled out the list. It was all crumpled and he tried to straighten it out before handing it to her.
Penelope stared at it trying to analyze what he had written down. The list had so many more pros on it than cons. Now she understood what was going on. He had made his decision. "You need to support him on this. You need to let him go." She thought to herself. Looking at Derek her eyes began to fill with tears. "Did you make your decision?" She asked her voice cracking.
"I'm not going." He said.
"Derek, you have more pros than cons. I don't understand." She said.
"There's one thing NY can't offer me." He said as he walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him.
Penelope took a look at the list one more time. She hadn't noticed her name was on the top of the list. She looked back at Derek and was speechless.
Derek looked into her eyes. My god how he loved this woman. "Baby, NY doesn't you and I don't want to be anywhere you aren't." He said.
"Is that why you asked about Kevin?" She asked.
Derek nodded. "Baby, everything I need and want in right here in this room. It took me a long time to admit to myself what my feelings are. I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. It was easier to keep you at arm's length. I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to tell you but I needed to make sure that you didn't love Kevin. I wasn't going to get in the way of your happiness." He explained.
"Derek, I couldn't love Kevin or anyone else for that matter. I've been in love with you for a very long time. I just never thought that it could ever happen." She said.
Derek leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was tender at first. They invited each other's tongues to play and deepened the kiss. They held each other tight not wanting to let go. When they finally came up for air, he looked into her eyes and said "I love you baby girl."
She placed her hand on his cheek and gently caressed it. "I love you too angel." She said. Then grabbed his hand as she walked towards her bedroom. Stopping right before the door she turned to him and said "You still remember what you were jonesing for?"
Derek grinned. "Baby, I've been jonesing for years!" he said chuckling.
"We'll take care of that tonight." She said and led him right into the bedroom.